adoption bombshell

[d0nnivain]

I thought I made peace with never being a parent.  

Yesterday DH announces that he wants to try adoption again & wants a kid up to 14 years old.  I'm stunned.  When we looked at this 10 years ago he wanted an infant & wasn't willing to make the lifestyle changes to have a kid.  Now he's getting my hopes up again but I had made peace with being childless.  I had been working toward early retirement & a future that doesn't include kids.  

Now I don't know what to think.   Is mid 50s too late to start?  A I ready for this?   

[FMW]

Wow, d0nnivain, that is a bombshell!

I never had children, and have never really felt a loss because of it, so I'm not the best person to address this probably.  But in general, I think if you and your husband have talked this through and understand (as much as is possible) what to expect, it could be a wonderful thing.  Older children might have some issues related to how they came to this place in their young lives, so I would certainly make sure I felt equipped to deal with that.

Good luck!

[major_merrick]

Mid-50's is definitely late, but I suppose if you end up with an older child around 10 it wouldn't be that bad.  Have you asked him why the sudden change?  Perhaps you could foster instead of adopt? 

[preraph]

Kids are exhausting, even for young parents, so this is going to exhaust you.  Have you considered fostering older children instead of adopting?  I really like teens, but these that have been in the foster system awhile are bitter and incapable of trust and can be very difficult.  You'd have to change your expectations from them being like "your child" to you being like their mentor and financier who could try to lift them up.  Do not get overly confident and agree, with no experience, to any special needs kids.  And you should get one who has normal or above intelligence because that's who you can most benefit since that is the best match to you and your husband.  I know some people will skewer me for that, but adopting low IQ or specially challenged kids isn't for amateurs and you and your man are amateurs.  

In the distant past, I worked a little with emotionally disturbed adolescents.  Most of them were doable, but not all by any means.  You can't let a problem teen be alone at home for any time.  You have to be right on top of them just like if they were toddlers.  And most kids from the foster system are going to have issues either from why they are in the foster system or if they had good parents lost in a tragedy, then the foster system itself jades them.  And remember that teen years are when all kids tend to experiment and get in a lot of trouble anyway.  

So I just suggest you try fostering.  I suggest if you foster with intent to adopt, you try a kid maybe 11 or 12 so you have a year or so of childhood, though that is younger every generation.  My friend's 12 year old girl looks and acts 16 and has all the problems of 16.  

I would suggest before even fostering, you join Big Sisters or Big Brothers or some community mentoring (ask the police because they have groups they mentor) and just get your feet wet mentoring.   A lot of community mentoring is trying to keep the kids busy after school lets out and before their parents come home, as well as working with those without parent or parents.  

 

Keep us informed.  Start small.  Get your feet wet before deciding.  

[Mr. Lucky]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Now I don't know what to think.   Is mid 50s too late to start?  A I ready for this?   

Well, I have two sets of friends your age who are raising grandkids, long story in each case.   And both are up front about the sacrifice involved, worthwhile in each case, but a huge adjustment and realignment of priorities nonetheless.   It’s basically a complete left turn to your life plan, not easy for most folks. 
 

It would seem we should ask you - are you ready for this?

Mr. Lucky 

[submart]

Wow, this is a huge bombshell. I have two friends who are 48 and adopted a nine year old with physical disabilities a year ago. It was a HUGE adjustment as this is their only child as they traveled and lived a relaxing life previously. The wife said she would 100% have regret if she never got to become a mother. The husband could have gone either way with having kids or not. Frrom talking with them it sounds like the younger the kid the better off you will be. There can be a lot of psychological trauma from a kid in the system. If you can get a kid between 3-5 years of age you'd probably be better off. I also recommend having lots of support as it takes a village to raise a child. Good luck with whatever you two decide. 

[major_merrick]

One thing that crossed my mind today is that there's going to be a big generation gap if you get kids that are really young.  I was born to a teen mom.  My husband's parents waited until later in life to have kids.  So, his parents are a whole generation farther back than mine.  When we were younger, he got asked a lot if his dad was his grandpa.  It creates a different environment, and if you're set in your ways or not caught up with the times, the kids you have might feel somewhat isolated from their peers.  Just a thought - it'll depend entirely on your situation. 

[d0nnivain]

My parents were in their 40s when I was born.  Older parents are more the norm where I am. 

I'm excited but I'm still scared that DH isn't all in.  

[Mr. Lucky]

I’ve told this story before, but I was late 30’s when I got married, my wife almost a decade younger. We had two kids pretty quickly, boy and a girl, we were done.  But life had other plans.

Ten years later, we were somehow pregnant again. I did the math, at 47 I’d be 65 when our kid graduated high school.  Regardless, the cosmos had spoken and our son was born. 

Looking back, best thing that could have happened at that point in our lives.  Not only were we guaranteed we’d have someone to keep the WiFi working in our old age, but having a young child keeps you young also.  Instead of yelling at kids to stay off my lawn, I ended up with the whole neighborhood playing on mine. And well into my 60’s, I can talk video games, rap music and reddit with the best of them.

If you adopt a 10-yr old, you’d be on a similar journey. Lace up your sneakers, can be a bumpy ride...

Mr. Lucky 
 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

My parents were in their 40s when I was born.  Older parents are more the norm where I am. 

I'm excited but I'm still scared that DH isn't all in.  

Do you mean you're afraid he might not be as all in as he said (since your first post said he was the one who suggested it)?  

[FMW]

Since your husband brought the issue up again out of the blue, I think that means it's at least weighing heavy on his mind.  I'd just want to make sure and talk it through thoroughly before taking the plunge.  Give it a few months to percolate.  

[d0nnivain]

27 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Do you mean you're afraid he might not be as all in as he said (since your first post said he was the one who suggested it)?  

I think he wants to be a father but he has no idea what that really means.  I asked him if he was willing to go to soccer games & scout meetings.  He hesitated before saying that is part of it.  Previously he said no.  We went to the movies last night.  One of the previews was for a Pixar animated film.  He made a disparaging comment about it.  I reminded him that type of movie was our future if we had kids.  He seemed surprised.    

Kids are a commitment & they have to come 1st.  I fear he's not ready for that & never will be.  I don't want to fight & I don't want it to rip my marriage apart.  We're both pretty lazy & we don't bring out the best in each other in terms of motivating each other to achieve.  I worry that is not a good place from which to raise kids.  

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Oh, I see.  Yes, I'd be concerned, too.  Is someone who really likes kids in general?

There are sooo many kids, here and abroad, who are about to age out of the foster care system, thrown into adulthood with no family support. Maybe that age group would be more appropriate? I've pondered the idea of adopting a child like this in the future when my nest is completely empty.  I have a good friend who adopted 2 teenagers from another country.  The plan was 1, but then they found out about another child in the orphanage about to age out, so they settled one two.  Aside from normal teenage problems ("Your rules are too strict!") it's been a good experience (and they have 3 bio kids that aren't even teens yet).  

[preraph]

Yeah, sounds like he has no idea.  He'll no longer be on his schedule.  He'll be on theirs.  He'll no longer get to go off and watch a movie or hide out doing something solitary because kids won't leave you alone and have to be watched.  He'll expect you to do all that like a whole lot of men do.  He won't want to take off and go to the school about once every two weeks to talk to teachers or participate in whatever activity.  My boss has a child and he's always having to leave to go do something, plus you are expected to volunteer for something like coaching or refreshments, running the concession, bringing snacks to everything they do now.  And it's not like when we were in school when none of that was really even done.  Parents were not expected to get that involved.  He just has no idea.  He needs to go stay with someone who has kids for a few days, seriously.  

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I used to say I never realized how selfish I was until I became a parent!  (I also said the same thing as a newlywed).  It's a HUGE shift going from only having yourself to care for/worry about/schedule around to parenthood.  

[d0nnivain]

sigh . . . 

I'm torn.  I know I have love to give but I really fear that I'm going to be furious at my husband if he doesn't step up.  That is not going to be an easy conversation to start or have.  

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

sigh . . . 

I'm torn.  I know I have love to give but I really fear that I'm going to be furious at my husband if he doesn't step up.  That is not going to be an easy conversation to start or have.  

Yes, you will be.  My friend's boyfriend moved in with her 8 days ago (he's in his fifties, never married, no kids) and she's already irate with him for not stepping up.  (She has two kids)  At the risk of sounding like a feminist, the world is set up for men to be comfortable, and for women to make it so.  Many (especially at that age, never having had to care for the needs of others) want to keep it that way and don't want to change.  

[preraph]

I have only met one woman with kids who was fully happy with their man's amount of involvement in taking care of the kids and the 10 times more chores kids create.  (She was a doctor who worked full time and her husband was a stay-at-home dad who did everything while she was gone.  Nonetheless, their living room looked like a tornado hit it because they had four) Kids strew crap about the house every minute they're awake, plus fluid messes and accidents.  Whatever chores you have to do now, multiply it by at least three times as much and often and be ready for your home to look like a nursery, and you won't be able to have nice things or unmarred floors because kids will invariably throw a Hot Wheels around as hard as they can.   

 

One of the things I hate most is that nearly all toys come in only primary colors, which just makes your home look worse and your front and back yards.  There must be some company somewhere that does natural tones, but that won't matter because every gift someone gives your kid will be bright red or blue or green and look unsightly.

Edited January 12, 2020 by preraph

[Blind-Sided]

Well, congrats.

Mid 50's is a late start... but not impossible. IF... that's truly what you want.  Since you are looking at retirement, and wanting to explore some... a kid will stop that instantly. (unless you are wealthy)  The only other side of that is something I have thought about recently, since I'm single, and may find a girl a little younger who still wants kids.  The ex was an accident.  Her mother wasn't supposed to be able to have any kids, and... well... there she came.   Over the years, she told me that she would sometimes be embarrassed because people would think it was her grandparents coming to school events.   I know with adopting an older kid... that may not play into it... but it's just something to think about.

Sorry I couldn't be any real help, but I think this is a subject only you can answer.

[SummerDreams]

To be honest the idea of adopting and more so a teen kid terrifies me. I have a 14-15 years old half sister and I find it exhausting to talk to her for a couple of hours. She has her own way of thinking, she seems to think that all adults are stupid and we can't understand her mindset, I mean I feel this way and she is my sister, imagine how I would feel about a stranger. I don't know why the concept of being childless scares you that much. I was someone I thought I wanted a child but health reasons made me delay it and when I was ready physically I realized I don't have the patience or the social talent of raising a kid and all the socializing it requires. Now when I hear people have kids I cringe; why do they want to raise a person who will probably abandon them in 20-30 years and who will appreciate nothing of the sacrifices? I find it baffling.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

5 minutes ago, preraph said:

One of the things I hate most is that nearly all toys come in only primary colors

Haha!  When my kids were toddlers I described my home design aesthetic as "early childhood."

2 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

 Now when I hear people have kids I cringe; why do they want to raise a person who will probably abandon them in 20-30 years and who will appreciate nothing of the sacrifices? I find it baffling.

Not all kids are demons who become ungrateful adults.  True, I'm taking advantage of today's temps in the 60s to air out my teenagers' bedrooms that smell like socks, and having to stay "on them" for things constantly (these days it's job applications and school registration, etc.) can be aggravating, but the joy they bring to my life outweighs that in spades.  My kids are actually very grateful for me and for what I do for them. Especially my son.

[preraph]

Oh, you love them because you invested so much in them.  I mean, I have a dog who was a real problem and I love her even more because we got through the bad times.  

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Just now, preraph said:

Oh, you love them because you invested so much in them.  I mean, I have a dog who was a real problem and I love her even more because we got through the bad times.  

Lots of truth to that.  Years ago I described the love I had for my daughter, who was always super easy, and the love I had for my son, who was super hard, as very different, although it was equal.  The love for my daughter was easy and joyful.  The love for my son was more.....triumphant and fierce because of all we'd been through to "get there" (because he was such a difficult baby/young child).  

[Foxhall]

Id imagine you would be a good mentor and so on for a child or young teenager perhaps,

seems a good idea.

[Mr. Lucky]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

We're both pretty lazy 

I’d guess you’re more self-indulgent than lazy, true of most childless adults.  And, as you’d imagine, that changes quickly. Kids have no filters, schedules or boundaries.

If you know deep down he’s not all in, you might consider saying you don’t think, at this point, it’s best for you.  No sense in damaging your marriage over something that’s not going to happen...

Mr. Lucky