adoption bombshell

[elaine567]

My worry is also your husband.
From what you have shared he isn't easy, emotionally closed off and rigid,  you have had to put a lot of work into him to achieve any sort of normality.
How will he fare when scrutinised by the adoption process?
Is your marriage actually strong enough to bear the brunt of this, in light of your more recent troubles?

[d0nnivain]

DH'll fare just fine in the adoption process.  I'm the one who can't withstand scrutiny.  He comes across as quiet but intense, maybe a little stoic but not off putting.  

Last time we tried this, 10 years ago, I were told that we were "unsuitable".  I was over 40 then & was told that the domestic birth mothers would never pick me because I was too old.  We were told that the international agencies would not consider us for a child because I had been in & out of therapy throughout my lifetime & many countries considered me too damaged to entrust to a healthy child.  We were told that internationally we might have been eligible for an older special needs child.  I knew I didn't have the skill set for that nor could I afford to not work to take care of a special needs kid with high medical needs.  All the private agencies discouraged us because I had gotten a DWI in 2000.  

Over the last 10 years since we last looked, DH's base salary has tripled.  I have also made & saved a lot more money so some concerns dissipated.  It's now also been 20 years since my DWI with no repeats. 

Finally, this time DH wants to inquire of the state agencies.  This came about because a single dad in his office has recently been approved as an adopted parent & that guy has a prior felony drug conviction.  DH is  now open to a child not an infant.  It's really hard to adopt infants. I also didn't want an infant.  I didn't think I could handle a crying baby.   DH is now also open to a cross racial adoption which he previously refused to consider.  There are simply more children of color available.  

 

[preraph]

Oh, hell no to an infant.  

 

I think it's really hypocritical of that agency to think you are not qualified for a child but maybe a special needs child!  What????

How nuts is that?  You need experience and to be a really special temperament for that.  That's just crazy. I guess they're willing to gamble with them.  Arghh.  

 

And good lord, you'd think having had therapy would be a PLUS!  Jeez, still with the stigma.  I'd expect more from adoption agencies, that they would be better informed.  Grr.  That's really frightening.  

 

There are NO qualifications for someone to just have a baby.  Any felon or moron can just go do it as much as they want.  Any untreated mentally ill person or psychopath can just go have as many kids as they want.  Any drug addict or alcoholic.  So I really don't know where this agency gets off.  Horrendous. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes, you need a license to go fishing or own a dog but anyone at all can birth a baby!  Maddening.

[d0nnivain]

It wasn't just one agency -- it was all of them.  The whole process was incredibly disheartening.  One of the sickest parts was if a woman had therapy do deal with her infertility issues, the couple was disqualified from most of the international agencies.  

[Gaeta]

I was 53 when my foster daughter of 14 moved in with me. She's been with me for 18 months  now. Even if she is a quiet teen with no trouble I find it exhausting at my age to run around. It's a lot of time devoted to homework, driving her around to her friends, sometimes late cause at 15 now she doesn't want to be back at home a 9h pm eh. If she was a tiny bit rebellous I wouldn't want to spend my time arguing with a teen at my age. It also changed a lot my relationship with my boyfriend. At 54 we were looking forward to travel but all that is put on hold till she turns 18. When I was younger I could not afford to travel, now that I can having a kid holds me home. You have to think about it really good. Sure, all this hard work is worth it to have someone to love, to love you back, and having someone to care for you when you're old. Nothing precious in life comes without hard work. 

[pepperbird]

I know adoption has kind of gone out of fashion these days, but as an adoptee, I do think it can be one way of building a happy family.

The only caveat I would have is that the boy or girl, if they are an older child, may have already experienced. a lot of trauma, maybe even been bounced around from home to home. They will need a lot of love and support to feel secure. They may also have a lot of questions about their bio-family, especially if they know little about them.
If you can provide a lot of love and understanding and navigate the system, there is e very chance you'll be wonderful parents and give a child who may have been through some really tough times a stable and loving home.
That is truly a wonderful thing 😀

Edited February 1, 2020 by pepperbird

[LivingWaterPlease]

My sister reared two sons with her first husband, divorced, then remarried a few years later to a man who'd never had children. She was around 54 and he was around 48. She's had a lot of therapy, is bipolar, and not an easy person to get along with. They've been able to adopt four toddler girls from China, one at a time. He is a very quiet person but very responsible and has done very well financially. She is very charming. But, with all of her psychiatric and psychological problems if she can get children, I would think most anyone could.

My nephew and his wife adopted six children from a Ugandan orphanage.

[Ellener]

On 1/12/2020 at 12:40 PM, d0nnivain said:

'm torn.  I know I have love to give but I really fear that I'm going to be furious at my husband if he doesn't step up.  That is not going to be an easy conversation to start or have.  

Leave it to him to do the investigating, leave it to him to find out what it all entails. Likely it's just him expressing some vague unfulfilled needs but not a serious quest to have a child. Leave it to him and you'll find out.

 

[Ellener]

On 1/12/2020 at 4:44 PM, d0nnivain said:

We were told that the international agencies would not consider us for a child because I had been in & out of therapy throughout my lifetime & many countries considered me too damaged to entrust to a healthy child. 

People may have to lie to adopt internationally, for example my gay friends here who adopted two Chinese babies could not be open about their relationship because it was illegal for gay people to adopt from China then ( maybe still is )

[princessaurora]

We started fostering 2 children back in 2017, They were 12 months and 3yrs old at the time. Having been 17 years since I had  my daughter it was very hard at first, We were ready to pull our hair out those first few nights with the crying and the lack of sleep. I'm in my 40's so was much younger the first time around, but we decided to give it more time and eventually found our niche. Initially, my  husband only wanted to foster because starting over again after our daughter was almost an adult wasnt something he was sure he wanted. But after about a month, we knew these children were meant to be a part of our family permanently. Eventually they were freed for adoption and now we have a 3 yr old and a 6 yr old at 45 and 47. It's exhausting yes, and my daughter helps out some, but she's in college and has a serious boyfriend so she spends most of her spare time with him. My parents actually moved closer to us recently so they could be there when the kids are sick or need to go to doc appts as me and my husband both work, and kids gets sick alot, especially the young ones.  Still, i feel like this was meant to be and I have no regrets on expanding my family even at this advanced age. I actually know alot of people around our age that have young chidren so they are not without playmates and I'm very much into modern culture so me and my 6 yr old have alot of fun dancing to the current hits around the house and watching the latest disney movies. But i'm also mixing it in with some of my favorite things from the 80's/90's and she absolutely loves it. My 3 yr old loves when i put on my newest outfits and have a "fashion parade" We also do alot of outside activties like walking trails and going to the zoo/park. It definitely keeps us active. I don't believe that you have to be young to be a good parent, just young at heart.

I recommend you foster. That way you can see what it's like to be a parent but you don't have to make the commitment to do it permanently. Just know if you do get attached and you probably will it is a grueling process and they may very well go back home. There is alot of back and forth with court hearings, trials, parental visits and it is emotionally draining, but also very rewarding to give a child the love and safety they deserve. I have a friend who is 45 and her husband is 57. They have never had kids but are considering it. They keep asking me what I think since we recently became parents again. I just tell them it's a different kind of life and they need to decide if they want that change as they are always travelling and doing adult things. As for me, I have no regrets on becoming a party of 5. 

[Els]

On 1/13/2020 at 12:05 AM, d0nnivain said:

My parents were in their 40s when I was born.  Older parents are more the norm where I am. 

I'm excited but I'm still scared that DH isn't all in.  

If this is something you're up for, perhaps you could suggest fostering to him. It's a nice way for both of you to figure out how you would REALLY cope with a kid, and also help kids who need a temporary home.

[Els]

On 1/13/2020 at 8:44 AM, d0nnivain said:

DH'll fare just fine in the adoption process.  I'm the one who can't withstand scrutiny.  He comes across as quiet but intense, maybe a little stoic but not off putting.  

Last time we tried this, 10 years ago, I were told that we were "unsuitable".  I was over 40 then & was told that the domestic birth mothers would never pick me because I was too old.  We were told that the international agencies would not consider us for a child because I had been in & out of therapy throughout my lifetime & many countries considered me too damaged to entrust to a healthy child.  We were told that internationally we might have been eligible for an older special needs child. 

This is really sad and bizarre, especially considering that (1) these kids are going to do so much worse being ping-ponged around the general social care system, and (2) we have literally ZERO restrictions on who is allowed to have bio kids - a convicted pedophile or a drug addict could easily spawn 10 kids with no restrictions, yet people who want to help kids in need are put under this gigantic microscope. It's asinine.

That being said, I can understand how it could happen. I mean, when I was looking into adopting a cat, I found out that some KILL shelters will inspect your house, require you to jump through hoops and wait months and turn you down if you don't fit certain requirements - they will literally rather kill the cat than relax their process. But again, once someone buys a cat that isn't desexed it isn't illegal for them to breed dozens of kittens that they are unable to care for. So same process, just with human lives at stake. Awful.

Edited February 1, 2020 by Elswyth

[Els]

On 1/19/2020 at 10:01 AM, Gaeta said:

I was 53 when my foster daughter of 14 moved in with me. She's been with me for 18 months  now. Even if she is a quiet teen with no trouble I find it exhausting at my age to run around. It's a lot of time devoted to homework, driving her around to her friends, sometimes late cause at 15 now she doesn't want to be back at home a 9h pm eh. If she was a tiny bit rebellous I wouldn't want to spend my time arguing with a teen at my age. It also changed a lot my relationship with my boyfriend. At 54 we were looking forward to travel but all that is put on hold till she turns 18. When I was younger I could not afford to travel, now that I can having a kid holds me home. You have to think about it really good. Sure, all this hard work is worth it to have someone to love, to love you back, and having someone to care for you when you're old. Nothing precious in life comes without hard work. 

I agree with the rest of this post except the bolded - it's not a guarantee, IMO, and also not a fair expectation to have of the kid. I served at an old folks' home for some time and almost all of the people living there had kids. The adult that that child grows up to be will have their own life, perhaps be living in a different place, their own family/obligations. They will visit or call if they have a good relationship with you, but they will most likely not (and SHOULD not, in my opinion) be your full-time carer. If anyone chooses to have kids primarily for this reason, I think there is a high chance that they will be disappointed.

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

If this is something you're up for, perhaps you could suggest fostering to him. It's a nice way for both of you to figure out how you would REALLY cope with a kid, and also help kids who need a temporary home.

There's a whole lot of kids in the foster care system who are in desperate need of a loving home. They may come to the table with a set of issues, but if they are shown lots of love and support, they can often blossom.

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

This is really sad and bizarre, especially considering that (1) these kids are going to do so much worse being ping-ponged around the general social care system, and (2) we have literally ZERO restrictions on who is allowed to have bio kids - a convicted pedophile or a drug addict could easily spawn 10 kids with no restrictions, yet people who want to help kids in need are put under this gigantic microscope. It's asinine.

That being said, I can understand how it could happen. I mean, when I was looking into adopting a cat, I found out that some KILL shelters will inspect your house, require you to jump through hoops and wait months and turn you down if you don't fit certain requirements - they will literally rather kill the cat than relax their process. But again, once someone buys a cat that isn't desexed it isn't illegal for them to breed dozens of kittens that they are unable to care for. So same process, just with human lives at stake. Awful.

I see this a lot. Adoptees who had a crappy home life lamenting that they would have been happier at home with their bio-family.

I always wonder why. There's no guarantee that it would have been any better. I was adopted as a baby by a really loving family. They are my mom/dad/ brother/ aunts/ uncles/ etc.. My biological mother has said herself that she never wanted me to end up back in her family. Back then, closed adoptions were the order of the day, falsified records and all. Hopefully, if the OP chooses to adopt,. it will be a positive experience.

Op, if you do decide to adopt, be prepared for the child to grieve the loss, and for god;s sake, please, please PLEASE don't keep the information that they were adopted a secret. I always knew, and it didn't bother me. ( except the record tampering- that pisses me off)Those who found pout later seem to have a much tougher time.

[Els]

2 hours ago, pepperbird said:

I see this a lot. Adoptees who had a crappy home life lamenting that they would have been happier at home with their bio-family.

I always wonder why. There's no guarantee that it would have been any better. I was adopted as a baby by a really loving family. They are my mom/dad/ brother/ aunts/ uncles/ etc.. My biological mother has said herself that she never wanted me to end up back in her family. Back then, closed adoptions were the order of the day, falsified records and all. Hopefully, if the OP chooses to adopt,. it will be a positive experience.

Op, if you do decide to adopt, be prepared for the child to grieve the loss, and for god;s sake, please, please PLEASE don't keep the information that they were adopted a secret. I always knew, and it didn't bother me. ( except the record tampering- that pisses me off)Those who found pout later seem to have a much tougher time.

I'm sorry to hear about the record tampering. I agree that that should never happen, but I do wonder why it does. Do some people really think the kid might be better off not knowing, or that they might love their adopted family less?

I'm certainly not anywhere near as qualified to speak on the topic as you are, as my bio parents have always been my parents. But my thoughts are that if I was adopted, it wouldn't lessen the family bonds for me to know. In fact, my guess would be that I would feel more grateful to them, knowing that they loved me so much that they wanted to give me a home even though I was never their responsibility. With my bio parents, my thoughts are that yes, you did take care of me and I love you because of that, but you created that responsibility for yourself because you wanted to reproduce.

Could you elaborate on the thought processes involved based on your experience?

Edited February 1, 2020 by Elswyth

[Ruby Slippers]

On 2/1/2020 at 9:50 AM, Elswyth said:

I agree with the rest of this post except the bolded - it's not a guarantee, IMO, and also not a fair expectation to have of the kid. I served at an old folks' home for some time and almost all of the people living there had kids. The adult that that child grows up to be will have their own life, perhaps be living in a different place, their own family/obligations. They will visit or call if they have a good relationship with you, but they will most likely not (and SHOULD not, in my opinion) be your full-time carer. If anyone chooses to have kids primarily for this reason, I think there is a high chance that they will be disappointed.

I agree. The vast majority of people these days do not "take care of" even their bio parents, not even close. I think all adults need to make their own plans for financial and logistical support during old age so they're never a burden on society or their kids. Whatever grown children do to help their elderly parents is icing on the cake. 

I think fostering or adoption is a wonderful idea. I'll consider it myself if I can't have bio kids. Fostering for a relatively short time period sounds like a good way to see how you handle it.