Affair ended but I miss him still!

[Alice81]

Im sure loads of people will judge me but I need some advise,I hadnt told any friends or family,I guess I'm ashamed of what I've done and no one hates me more then I hate myself!! 

I've been with my husband for 15 years,we have 2 boys. I've never looked at another man & never thought I'd cheat,ever!! It all started summer 2018,I started talking to one of the Dads at the school,we live near each other & would walk home together. I never fancied him at first but I noticed I was looking forward to seeing him & chatting to him. He was so easy to get on with & we spoke about anything & everything. He is married with 2 kids,been with his wife 10 years.

One evening he messaged me on Facebook just chit chat,the messages were few & far between but in January 2019 he started messaging more & it all started from there,we were messaging every day,not flirting just chatting. I was so excited when he would message. After a month of just chatting he messaged me one Friday evening to say his wife & kids were away for the weekend & could he pop in for a cuppa. My husband works nights Thursday-Sunday & I stupidly said yes. We chatted as normal but when he left he messaged & said he wished he kissed me. Our affair began from there.

We would txt every morning,all day & last thing at night. At the school gates we would just chat as normal,we would wait for each other so we could walk together. Months passed and we slept together,the next day he messaged & said we taken it 2 far & said we had to end it & we did. 2 weeks later he messaged saying he missed me & I missed him so much so we started things up again. The guilt was killing me but I couldn't stop myself seeing this other man. He became abit distant with me & in July ended it.

We agreed to stay friends as we would see each other at school. A week later his wife found photos & messages on his phone from me,she then contacted my husband on Facebook & came knocking on my door. It was awful, the truth was out but it's weird as all I kept thinking was the affair is over,I'll never see him again & I was devastated. My husband has been amazing,he has been so understanding & knows he neglected the relationship years ago.

A few days later I got a message from the wife saying I'd ruined their relationship & he had left her & their kids were devastated,I felt awful. Me & my husband booked a last minute weekend away & agreed to work on our marriage but I couldn't stop thinking about this other man,I missed him so much. He left home for a week but then went back to his wife. I was so nervous for the start of school but was shocked to see only the wife at the school gate.

I kept my head down but she informed me her husband had left again. This time for good.I know I shouldn't of but I messaged my affair lover on Facebook & he said that he didn't love his wife anymore & had known it for ages,he had tried so many times to make it work but couldn't. He said it was nothing to do with me & that he should of left her ages ago,he had fallen out of love with her. He said he was sorry for everything & hoped I was ok.

I cant get him out of my mind,I think about him all the time & miss him so much. I haven't seen him in 5months,why cant I get over him?!?

I still see his wife all the time at the school,its awful. I've apologised to her so many times,I just feel so much guilt all the time. I feel terrible to my husband,awful for his wife & sad because I still miss this other man!!

His wife told me he started seeing another woman from his work in October,she is 11 years younger then him but he has put all over Facebook how this new girl is the love of his life!! I feel so jealous. Why? I would never leave my husband,this other guy deserves to be happy!! 

My husband has got over it,things with him are back to normal,he never mentions it now. I'm still stuck in the same place & when I'm alone I just cry all the time! I've lost over a stone in weight,i put on a happy face to my friends & family & husband. Why cant I move on,why do I still feel so much guilt!? Why do I think about this other man all the time?!?

Edited January 11, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Add paragraphs

[carhill]

Welcome to LS...

If you feel stuck,  IMO engage a counselor to assist you with tools of processing the affair end. Sounds like your husband is willing to move forward and put this in the past. One step you can take is guarding against incidental contact. Cut off the social media and avoid known locations and/or times of past contact with his family.

[schlumpy]

The one interesting feature to your story that your husband should be concerned about its the high probability that a few years from now you will cheat on him with someone else. That he took you back with no consequences for your actions is the reason I say that. In the back of your mind, you've learned that he will put up with your affairs. That may not be your direct line of thought but it's there none-the-less.

That's his choice and I'm sure you appreciate his forbearance.

[DKT3]

The odds are your husband isnt "over it" rather he just isnt talking to you about it. 

 

From the sounds of it, you haven't faced any real consequences which has allowed you to stay focused on your affair and this other guy.

One of two things are possible at this point. 1 you stay stuck, we had a poster here a while back who was in you situation for two decades because she never actually stopped trying to be friends.  2 your husband will just walk away. While you're so focused on your other guy you are likely missing your husband distancing himself.  You stated that he wasnt so involved before now you say it's back to normal,  I'm assuming that means he is uninvolved again and you focus on the other guy is blinding you. Since he isnt talking to you that gives you time and mind space to stay focused on the affair.  

At this pace you are just waiting for the end of your marriage. 

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, Alice81 said:

My husband has got over it,things with him are back to normal,he never mentions it now.

I very much doubt that.
He has just internalised it.
It can take 3-5 year to "get over" a cheating event.
Men tend not to tolerate cheating wives very well.
He is probably staying for his sons.

One guy on here stayed 8 years, after his wife cheated on him, for his son, then when he felt his son could take it, he announced he was leaving and divorcing.
She was blindsided, she thought they were fine.and that he had got over it.
He hadn't, he just bided his time.
Be careful.

Edited January 11, 2020 by elaine567

[oldtruck]

you cannot get over the OM without going NC. Even checking OM's social media is breaking NC.

[Alice81]

There isn't a high probability that I will cheat again!! I've learned the hard way how much pain an affair causes!! Not only to my family but to his,I have to see his wife most days so I'll always be reminded of that & carry the guilt!! 

Maybe my husband is only staying for our sons,I dont really know!! 

His wife told me about the girlfriend & how he has put it on social media,we r blocked from each other!! 

 

[Mr. Lucky]

1 hour ago, Alice81 said:

 

His wife told me about the girlfriend & how he has put it on social media,we r blocked from each other!! 

 

I’d tell the ex-wife to quit talking to you about him, can’t be good for either of you.  Though I can see why she enjoys rubbing his happiness in your face...

Mr. Lucky 

[Alice81]

I'm sure u r right,I bet she does!! 

She was honest and said she is pissed off my husband has stayed while her husband has left!! 

[mark clemson]

Hi there Alice.

On 1/11/2020 at 9:17 AM, Alice81 said:

I cant get him out of my mind,I think about him all the time & miss him so much. I haven't seen him in 5months,why cant I get over him?!?

 I'm still stuck in the same place & when I'm alone I just cry all the time! I've lost over a stone in weight,i put on a happy face to my friends & family & husband. Why cant I move on,why do I still feel so much guilt!? Why do I think about this other man all the time?!?

It sounds like you have limerence for the other man. Being apart sometimes intensifies it. You can research this topic, e.g. on Wikipedia if you wish to.

If that is correct you'll just have to wait for it to slowly subside. Every so often I post suggestions for steps to take the edge off, so look for those if you've been doing some reading around here, but mostly you have to wait (at least several months 🙄 ).

 

On 1/11/2020 at 9:17 AM, Alice81 said:

I still see his wife all the time at the school,its awful. I've apologised to her so many times,I just feel so much guilt all the time. I feel terrible to my husband,awful for his wife & sad because I still miss this other man!!

This result is what all too often happens in affairs.

I do think seeing her may be keeping your limerence re-triggered. However it will still probably fade eventually so don't worry too much.

If you could make it completely impossible to have anything to do with him (which would include contact with his ex-wife or kids) the distress might subside early. As long as your brain thinks there's a chance of somehow being with him, it will go on activating. If it's impossible it may stop.

Edited January 13, 2020 by mark clemson

[Alice81]

Maybe ur right!! At he moment I'm not really sure what/how I feel. I think I miss him mostly as a friend,we spoke every day & I actually miss our chats more then anything!!

And guilt is an awful feeling,I know I brought this all on myself,I knew what I was getting into.

We actually spoke about what would happen if we got caught, we both said we would never leave our families. He said it more then I did. That's why I'm so shocked he left!! Not just his wife but his kids!! I worry that he will regret his decision a few months down the line but then it's too late to fix!! At the moment he is running around with a 21 year old when he should be with his family trying to fix things!!  When I spoke to his ex-wife (too apologise again,not that it makes things better) she was honest and said she was willing to make the marriage work!! It sounds weird but I think about them all,all the time,I even thought about them on xmas day not spending the day together as a family!! More then anything I wish I just never got involved with him. Maybe they would still be together.

I hate that I miss this other man,I hate that I broke up a family,I hate that I hurt my husband & broke this trust. I'm just stuck in the same place I was 5months ago,none of these feelings have gone away!! 

Edited January 13, 2020 by Alice81

[DKT3]

Judging from your posting pattern,  you're stuck because you are more focused on this other guy, his wife and girlfriend then you are about your own husband and family.  Ultimately,  this is what will lead you to joining om soon in being/getting divorced. 

Once you change your focus you will start to make progress.  

[Buffer]

Hi Alice,

Sorry you are here, but I am sure your BS is more sorry about your actions and decisions to cheat on him and your children. You really do miss your AP, you say this all the time, is your husband and children still part of your family. As they don’t rate much of a mention. Have you and your BS started communicating and undertaken any IC after your A?

Can you reverse this and instead of having concerns about your POS AP, have the same worries about your marriage and if Hubby is pulling away so to take the children and set a home with them? Please look after him and the children, why care about AP and his actions? He is still in your marriage and your BS knows this.

the truth will set you free.

Buffer

[AriesMan83]

Hello Alice81,

Sorry you are here.

A real life is full of stress and issues.You didnt have to think or worry about real life problems during your time spent with your MM or talking to him or messaging him or thinking about him.You actually don't miss him.You miss the affair high.You miss the fantasy.You miss the affair bubble where you didn't have to worry about the mortgage payments or laundry or bills 

NC means no meetings,no phone calls or text or email or online messaging.NC also means deleting and blocking him in your phone,social media profiles,messaging app,email I'd. NC means blocking him in every possible manner from contacting you.NC means you cannot contact him or check his profile on social media or stay in touch with him.NC also means emotional NC.Whenever he comes in your thoughts,think about something else not related to your affair.Think about the household work left for you to complete.Get yourself busy with some work.Think about how much your husband was hurt when he got to know about your affair.Do not give him space in your head.The more the memories will fade,the more will you develop empathy for your husband.

Pls read the books mentioned below-

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.It will help you understand more about affairs.

"How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald.

"5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.It will help you and your husband know your own as well as each other's love language.It can help you help you a lot.

Pls get into IC to find out why you thought it was OK to have an affair.Pls take the help of IC to develop better boundaries and coping mechanisms.

Pls also get your husband into IC to help him heal.

You cannot be friends with him.Stop thinking about him as a friend.Friends don't help each other destroy each other's families..It's time to stop worrying about him or his family and to start focusing on your family

 

Edited January 13, 2020 by AriesMan83

[2BGoodAgain]

hi.

1) he's not in love... he's in love with how the girl makes him feel, but it isn't the girl. It could be any girl; she's just a place holder.

2) I don't know if you're in love either; but it could just be how he made you feel and not the actual person. But your brain knows what feels good, and conversations/intimacy with him, creates good feelings/ a chemical addiction and your brain misses it.. it makes your whole being miss it, you seek him out and can't get him out of your head... yeah, a lot of us have been there, as you can read above.

3) you need to dissect his intent. his actions, what he's done, what he wanted from you... not what he said, his actions. They will speak louder. b/c basically, he was using you, like he's using his current girl to feel good about himself and his life. It isn't about the women he's with.

Most affairs, if not all affairs, is about escaping from the reality that is too rough, tough to deal with... fantasy is always prettier and more intense and more alive... much like chemical addiction. So if you really want an explanation from folks who's been where you are... it's that. B/c mentally, you know what you and your hub has, is real.... but fantasy will always have a pull on you, b/c it's larger than life... and the feelings, both emotional and physical, are more intense...

if you haven't already, seek marriage counseling...or just counseling for yourself to get objective advice/perception for what you're going thru... you'd be surprised what you find out about yourself. b/c this affair wasn't about the other man; it's about you.

no recriminations from me, and i believe, most folks here... we sympathize and hope you find again what brought you and your hub together... reality is hard work; fantasy is always easier b/c it isn't real...

good luck to you.

[2BGoodAgain]

On 1/11/2020 at 5:59 PM, elaine567 said:

I very much doubt that.
He has just internalised it.
It can take 3-5 year to "get over" a cheating event.
Men tend not to tolerate cheating wives very well.
He is probably staying for his sons.

One guy on here stayed 8 years, after his wife cheated on him, for his son, then when he felt his son could take it, he announced he was leaving and divorcing.
She was blindsided, she thought they were fine.and that he had got over it.
He hadn't, he just bided his time.
Be careful.

Elaine's right...

your affair destroyed whatever relationship you had with ur hub. You can't go back to the way things were... you two have to rebuild the trust/relationship that you destroyed and build a new, hopefully stronger relationship... in order to do that, he needs to process this. For him not to, it just means he's buried it, and to be honest, it'll bear its ugly head at a later time and it'll be worse.... highly recommend you two seek marriage counseling.

 

[2BGoodAgain]

10 hours ago, Alice81 said:

Maybe ur right!! At he moment I'm not really sure what/how I feel. I think I miss him mostly as a friend,we spoke every day & I actually miss our chats more then anything!!

And guilt is an awful feeling,I know I brought this all on myself,I knew what I was getting into.

We actually spoke about what would happen if we got caught, we both said we would never leave our families. He said it more then I did. That's why I'm so shocked he left!! Not just his wife but his kids!! I worry that he will regret his decision a few months down the line but then it's too late to fix!! At the moment he is running around with a 21 year old when he should be with his family trying to fix things!!  When I spoke to his ex-wife (too apologise again,not that it makes things better) she was honest and said she was willing to make the marriage work!! It sounds weird but I think about them all,all the time,I even thought about them on xmas day not spending the day together as a family!! More then anything I wish I just never got involved with him. Maybe they would still be together.

I hate that I miss this other man,I hate that I broke up a family,I hate that I hurt my husband & broke this trust. I'm just stuck in the same place I was 5months ago,none of these feelings have gone away!! 

it's obvious his words means nothing. it also means whatever he told you, means nothing.

he was using you to make himself feel better than his marriage.  

you need to block all things related to him. facebook, friendship, etc.. or else, you'll destroy whatever is left of your marriage.

Also... he's not your friend...  it's just the lure he uses to put your guard down. 

[AriesMan83]

Alice81,

If there were issues in your marriage,you could have discussed it with your husband.You could have asked for marriage counselling or ended the marriage..Why did you chose to have an affair?

Affairs are like an addiction.You agreed to restart the affair and were sad when the affair ended not because you missed him.You missed the high that you felt during your affair.You missed the stress free fantasy.You missed the feeling of being special.That is the reason why you didnt say no when he restarted the affair.The reason why you didnt go for NC when the affair ended the first time and second time and decided to stay friends with him is because you thought that you could control the outcome of the situation by staying friends with him.What you didnt realize that although the phtsical affair had ended but the emotional affair continued by staying friends with him.That is why the affair restarted after it ended the first time because you were missing your affair high.The affair could have restarted again after July if his wife had not found out.

Addicts know how much their addiction hurt them.They know that it is detrimental to their health and it affects their family.Yet they can't stop because of the high they feel during their consumption.That is the reas on why you went back to MM instead of the guilt.

Going to IC and understanding why you had an affair and developing better boundaries and coping mechanisms will help you avoid future occurrences. It will help you lead an authentic life in the future..

 

 

 

[Bittersweetie]

Alice, I was a married woman who had an affair with a married man. I had a d-day ten years ago and my H and I are reconciled.

My suggestion is to turn your focus away from MM and whatever he is doing with a 21 year old etc and turn it on yourself. Take a good, hard look at WHY you thought cheating on your marriage was a good idea. Why did you think it was okay to do what you did? And when you have an answer...keep going to find more. Having an affair is not something that "just happens" no matter how much one wants to think that. It is a choice, and please examine why you made that choice.

Also, you say you will never have an affair again. Okay, but you realize that right now, your words are meaningless? After my d-day, I told my husband I'd never do it again too, but on what basis did he have to actually believe me? I'd lied and cheated and so my words meant nothing. So, what actions are you taking to insure that you won't choose this path again? For example, examine your boundaries. Read about relationships and marriages ("Not Just Friends" is an excellent book about affairs). Maybe try seeing a counselor to work through your feelings and acceptance of your choices.

Please take a look inward and forget about whatever MM is doing. He is not your problem. If you want to move forward toward healing and growth, you have to choose to do so. Good luck.

Edited January 13, 2020 by Bittersweetie

[AriesMan83]

Alice81,

People in happy as well as unhappy relationships/marriages cheat.Affairs have nothing to do with the state of the relationship/marriage.Betrayed partner or spouse have no role or part to play in an affair.Cheating partners are solely responsible for an affair.

Some of the reasons for cheating are low self esteem,low self worth,childhood trauma,FOO issues etc.

Pls start mental NC or you will continue missing the affair high and in order to get a fix you may restart the affair or have another affair which will be extremely hurtful to you and your family.Pls also don't check him on social media or look at photos or emails or msgs because that is breaking NC.

Pls find for yourself an IC with an experience in handling infidelity issues.Pls start IC as soon as possible.

Pls find an IC for your husband who can help him heal and cope with your affair in a healthy manner.

You both will also need MC to discuss issues you and your husband had pre-affair.

Maybe your husband has accepted the fact that you cheated and has moved on from it.Maybe your husband is detaching from you as he doesnt want to be vulnerable with you who has hurt him.

Maybe your husband is still trying to understand that you cheated.Maybe your husband is still in denial.So there is a possibility that he may get angry in the future.It may make you feel desperate to escape the stress which can lead you MM or another affair.Pls start IC and find ways to understand and validate his pain.

Pls educate yourself as much as you can on the effects of Infidelity on people involved in it as well as on the families of the cheaters.

 

[AriesMan83]

Alice81,

MM left his family is because he doesn't want to face the havoc caused by him in his family due to his afair. He is a coward who doesn't want to face the problems caused by him.He left his family because looking at his wife makes him realize his selfish choice of having an affair and he doesnt want to face the guilt and shame of having an affair.Him saying that he doesnt love his wife is the reason he gave himself earlier to have an affair and is giving himself now to avoid facing his inner demons and to run away.Not loving his wife is an excuse/justification he gave himself to rationalize his affair.People normally end a relationship,grieve about the end of a relationship and then start a new relationship with a person who is single.Why didnt he do that?Why he had an affair with you,a married woman instead of ending his marriage amd then starting a relationship with a person who is single.This kind of people love playing the role of a victim and always blame others for their unhappiness.What they don't realize that every individual  is responsible for his/her own happiness or sadness.

[Confused48]

If your husband truly is giving you a second chance, he is one in a million and you are a very lucky woman. 

I don't think 5 months is all that long to be still in limerance. Don't beat yourself up too much for that. Do take action to get out of it.

Can you not generate those feelings for your husband? Can he not become your best friend and confidant? If you can achieve this you will miss the OM less and less and eventually not at all.  

That being said, no one can maintain limerance long term, as a constant condition in a relationship. You can and should feel it for your husband often though. If you cultivate it.  

If not you should consider leaving him. For his benefit as well as yours. 

[AriesMan83]

Alice81,

You should stop being concerned about MM and his family.It shows that their well being is more important to you than your husband's pain and well being.

You can feel bad about hurting his family but your immediate concern is your family.I dont mean it in a condascending manner but pls stop wallowing in self pity and start facing the problems of your affair heads on.Start working on the reasons as to why you had an affair with a therapist.Start peeling the layers of your affair.You will learn more amd more about yourself and your thought process.You may see that your feelings towards MM will change to anger.Pls remember that any emotion spent on MM is a wastage.You have to reach the stage of emotional indifference as far as MM is concerned.Your words won't matter much now to your husband.It will be your actions which will show your husband that you can be trusted.Be proactive instead of reactive.Your changes and inward growth will help you lead an authentic life for your own self as well as ur family.

Edited January 13, 2020 by AriesMan83

[carhill]

24 minutes ago, Confused48 said:

That being said, no one can maintain limerance long term, as a constant condition in a relationship. You can and should feel it for your husband often though. If you cultivate it.  

Yep, that's where using IC to process out the affair to a neutral state leaves the marriage as what it is, whatever it is. H appears to be on-board and willing to go. If the OP isn't feeling it once distractions end and both refocus on the M in MC, that's valid. Then, as our MC so wisely opined, she has a decision to make. I found it incredibly freeing to get to that point, a place of clarity regarding the health of the M. If it's there, it is. If not, not. Accept the real. Then make choices. OP can choose to stay for the reasons many do, the love there is enough, lifestyle, social status, family, etc, are valued sufficiently. Or she can go. The beauty and gift of free will.

[stillafool]

Your poor husband thinks things are back to normal but not aware that you are in love with another man. At least this MM did the right thing by his wife and left (even though he hurt her) because now she has an opportunity to grieve and then move on to someone who loves her.  The MMs wife is in a better position now than your husband.  I don't see you getting over this MM no matter how much you pretend to your husband that you have.  You are probably obsessing over his social media and thinking about him all the time.