Domestic Violence and Children

[NYDame]

Hello, looking for direction from someone who has had to deal with raising small children with an ex partner who is suddenly violent. My current situation is this: I divorced May 2019 and have an active order of protection on my ex husband for abuse. He lives with his father who he sometimes can’t get along with. This didn’t use to be the case in our past but recently my ex is having trouble trusting everyone and getting along with anyone. My ex can only contact me regarding the kids by email and text. Our divorce order states his parenting time as Sun through Tuesdays and he has to pay child support. Since the decree was written he has not once complied with being with his kids Sun through Tuesday. He came up with some excuses and frankly I don’t argue about it anymore because I’m uncomfortable with the thought of my kids being around him when he’s fighting with his dad. So our current verbal agreement is that he has them Saturday’s only for a couple hours. I told him that I will arrange pick ups and drops off with his father to avoid hostility between him and I. I get no child support either. He hasn’t had a job in over a year. He recently told me he started a job last week and then told me he quit it on the third day. We have court coming up for enforcement of child support. 
 
So that’s a bit of background. If anyone is interested in knowing more information just ask. 
 

Last night I get a text asking what time the kids will be at his house. I responded 11. He said sure. So today his father picks them up and takes them to my ex for the visit. I immediately get a text from our 11 year old that the men are fighting verbally and my ex threw a box speaker onto the floor. She was afraid and wanted to leave. Apparently what happened is that when the kids walked through the door my ex started yelling at his dad that the kids needed to be picked up ASAP. I’m not sure why he was suddenly triggered. My suspicion is that he wasn’t aware that the father had left to pick them up? He may not like the idea of the father and I coordinating without him maybe? 
 

My concerns are my kids overall health in this hostile situation. I don’t know what to do. I spoke to a lawyer who says I can’t change our parenting plan until a year has passed. Or at least she made it sound like it would be almost impossible. I want supervised visits. It scares me that my ex behaves this way. Has anyone been through this? What do I need to request a change in the parenting plan? Witnesses of the violence? I can’t even afford a lawyer I’m scared and lost. 

[Angelflower]

I am so sorry your having to deal with such AH. You can check into legal aid and see if you can get some help or direction for how to get your parenting plan changed. I would do it on the sly though and not let your kids or ex know. It could be as simple as setting up some sort of mediation to renegotiate. I would avoid court at all cost. What would happen if you just stopped taking the kids over there? Would he take you to court? That is also an option... My daughter had the worst custody battle I've ever seen. We all lost our jobs and savings accounts fighting that AH... and in the end when he got his 50/50 custody so he wouldn't have to pay child support never showed up for visits. My daughter didn't bother to enforce it either and he just disappeared for years which ended up being better for my grandson anyway. Hope that helps. Good luck.

Edited January 12, 2020 by Angelflower

[NYDame]

On 1/11/2020 at 5:00 PM, Angelflower said:

I am so sorry your having to deal with such AH. You can check into legal aid and see if you can get some help or direction for how to get your parenting plan changed. I would do it on the sly though and not let your kids or ex know. It could be as simple as setting up some sort of mediation to renegotiate. I would avoid court at all cost. What would happen if you just stopped taking the kids over there? Would he take you to court? That is also an option... My daughter had the worst custody battle I've ever seen. We all lost our jobs and savings accounts fighting that AH... and in the end when he got his 50/50 custody so he wouldn't have to pay child support never showed up for visits. My daughter didn't bother to enforce it either and he just disappeared for years which ended up being better for my grandson anyway. Hope that helps. Good luck.

Hi Angelflower, 

I hate doing things through the court as well and want to find alternatives to that. All I want is for the father of my kids to seek help. A priest, counselor, psychologist, ANYTHING so that he’s healthy and stable again. He wasn’t this way. Lately, he’s paranoid about everything and everyone and throws tantrums out of the blue. One minute he agrees he’s going to see his kids and then the next minute he’s contacting me to pick them up almost immediately and throwing things and screaming at his dad. I don’t know if this is enough reason to get some supervised visits. I’m just nervous about it. I don’t want to let fear drive my choices but at the same time I’m playing with my kids mental health here if I do nothing. 

[Angelflower]

Sounds like a very hard situation. Unfortunately you can't make someone else change their behavior. You have to do what you feel is best for your kids. It sounds like he has already broken the custody agreement so really your not bound to it. You could get stubborn in your own position… stand firm and just refuse to subject your kids to visit with him unless they are supervised. Document everything and your reasons! Let him force you into court if he is so inclined and since he doesn't have a job I really doubt he would go that route. Good luck.