Maturest Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 I posted earlier but have a different question (problem). Hubby asked for divorce on Dec 19th. He filed and started the process. I’m ok with it at this time, still hard at 64 years old, but looking forward to independence after 45 years. OK, the question is whether to stay with him in the house till divorce is done or move to daughters house. He won’t leave, supposedly his lawyer told him not to leave, but he could leave for a 2 week vacation to see FRIENDS, probably his EA partner. I stayed in a hotel until he left for his trip and then moved in when he left. My problem is I can’t stand to look or listen to him, makes my skin crawl. He also has guns in the house , in a gun safe, but found a pistol in nightstand false drawer and made him remove it. There were bullets on the work bench in the basement. This divorce is going to get messy because of the discrepancy in monthly money coming in mine under $1000 and his $2500. There will be proceeds from selling house and the IRA. Worried about firearms being in the house waiting for divorce process. Just wondering if anyone has any ideas how to handle this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 If you are saying that he will kill you with a gun then yes you should leave the house, and fast.. but honestly that seems like it's emotions talking.. have you consulted your attorney ? I would say that if cannot afford to leave that you don't unless you feel your life is in danger Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 I'm afraid I don't get the significance of weapons in the house. If he wanted to kill you a Kitchen Knife, tire iron or hammer would serve the same purpose. If you feel physically threatened then I would expect you to act in your own best interests but it would be much better to stay in a home you are familiar with and have access to all the resources most people have at home until the home is sold. It's saves you money and keeps your daughter from being inconvenienced. I'm so sorry to see you starting life again at 64. I hope you find your footing again quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, schlumpy said: I'm afraid I don't get the significance of weapons in the house. If he wanted to kill you a Kitchen Knife, tire iron or hammer would serve the same purpose. If you feel physically threatened then I would expect you to act in your own best interests but it would be much better to stay in a home you are familiar with and have access to all the resources most people have at home until the home is sold. It's saves you money and keeps your daughter from being inconvenienced. I'm so sorry to see you starting life again at 64. I hope you find your footing again quickly. I totally get the significance of weapons (plural!) in the house!! If it’s that contentious she should definitely be worried about her safety. And kitchen knife versus a gun? You’re not serious, are you? I’d definitely leave if I were the OP. Edited January 12, 2020 by Artdeco Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 21 hours ago, schlumpy said: I'm afraid I don't get the significance of weapons in the house. If he wanted to kill you a Kitchen Knife, tire iron or hammer would serve the same purpose. ......... BINGO !!!!!!!!!!!! you have been with this man for 45 years, and the guns didn't bother you prior to this... Right? Then they shouldn't bother you now. my case was the same way. I owned guns since I was 16. There were guns in the house, the day the wife and I found our house we would move into after the wedding... but when the $hit hit the fan... I saw the txt's that the neighborhood gossip crew was passing around how I had 15 GUNS IN THE HOUSE !!!!!! Never, in the 20 year I was with her did I threaten her in any way. But... it was something that her crazy friends, and the local abuse center wanted to use against me. And, as above... there are WAY more ways to kill someone than a firearm. I'm sorry for that, but I'm still bitter about what happened to me. With that said... I'm sorry that you are in this situation. It's not an easy thing to go through. My first thought would be for you to NOT leave the house. Just like his lawyer said... it shows abandonment. Right or wrong... that's the way the courts will see it. BUT... since it sounds like you are going to sell the house regardless... then if you have a family member you can move in with... then just do it. Honestly, being away from someone who cheated on you will help you cope. BUT... I would set a firm time line NOW !!! Just because the divorce is pending, I would get something in writing saying the house will get put on the market in xxx days/months. There is no reason for him to live there, and hold up your $$$ if he was the one who had an affair and broke the marriage. Unfortunately, you will need a lawyer to get that ball rolling. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 8 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: you have been with this man for 45 years, and the guns didn't bother you prior to this... Right? Then they shouldn't bother you now. Ok but he didn't ask for a divorce before, did he? Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Ok but he didn't ask for a divorce before, did he? He's asking for a divorce. He's not asking to sit on death row. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 He is in his sixties, maybe seventies/eighties asking for a divorce after 45 years. Is he of sound mind? That is the worry Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 OP does your lawyer have any thoughts about the ramifications of leaving the house? From what I understand local laws vary widely for something like that in a divorce situation. As for the guns, is he delusional or crazy-angry at you or just divorcing? Sure emotions can run high in a divorce, but if he's owned them for years and hasn't made any threats, well... Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 He will likely pay you Alimony for the rest of his life. He will likely have to split the proceeds of the house with you. You are definitely thinking in the right way if you believe this man has a motive to ensure you expire... That means he does not pay you Alimony, does not split the house or potentially even sell it. I would definitely write a will, definitely explain the situation to a lawyer and go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maturest Posted January 16, 2020 Author Share Posted January 16, 2020 He isn’t the same person he was Even 6 months ago. when he told me he wanted a divorce, he of course said that nothing was going on and he was just not happy or in love with me anymore. He got upset when I told him my lawyer said we would have to produce 3 years of stmts from banks, credit cards and the IRA. Said I would have to pay my lawyer to get that stuff, he would rather give it to the courts than me. I am going to call my lawyer tomorrow and ask for an injunction to have him not return or remove all firearms from premises. That way I will feel safer if I decide to stay at the house till it sells, it is on market now. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 If you believe your husband to be violent and mentally unstable then it should be him you are removing from the house. An inanimate object is not a threat to you. It's the person using it that is. Get a dead bolt for your bedroom and make sure you have a plan for escape in case of fire. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) I would think if your husband is the one who said he is no longer in love with you and wanted the divorce you probably don't have anything to worry about. I've seen husbands get violent because they didn't want their wife to leave but that isn't your problem. If you just want him to leave because you can't stand looking at a cheater I don't think that is going to cut it. It's not your fault that the attorney wants 3 months of documents so are you sure the anger was directed at you or the process? Edited January 16, 2020 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 8 hours ago, Maturest said: He isn’t the same person he was Even 6 months ago. ......... I am going to call my lawyer tomorrow and ask for an injunction to have him not return or remove all firearms from premises. That way I will feel safer if I decide to stay at the house till it sells, it is on market now. No. If you truly feel unsafe... then you should leave! Don't tell him... just do it. The reality is... if he honestly wants you dead... and you are in the same house... it will happen. A dead bolt on the bedroom door wont stop a good kick most of the time. This is reminding me of what happened to me. The ex went to the abuse center, and made sure that everyone we knew heard that she "Feared for her life" around me. So, when I told my lawyer that... she asked me "When was the first time you hard that from your wife?" My answer was... " at least 4 months ago". She then asked if she had a way of leaving (Her own car, some money) I said yes. At that point my lawyer looked at me and said... "Then she can't use that as a defense anymore, and if she was truly in fear she should have left." I eventually removed my guns on my own accord, and took them to my folks house, so her lawyer couldn't use it. At that point I said to the ex... "I hope you feel safe now, because I don't." Her response was... "Well, I wasn't worried for me, I was worried for you." At that point, she was trying to turn it into that I was suicidal !!!!!!! (WTF) She was just pissed off that she wasn't getting her way, and she was trying to use any legal angle she could. (my buddy from CYS said that her abuse center was to blame) So... like I said... if you are in danger... LEAVE !!!!!!! I'm sorry for sounding rough... but that the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 Yes you should go ahead and get out, but you need to have your own attorney or you're going to get the raw end of this deal. Once you start fighting him back and wanting what you're due out of the divorce, that's when it could get dangerous. Their story after story on the news about husbands who killed the wives they were divorcing to keep them from taking half the worth of their belongings and property. You have a place to go. But do not go through this without having your own attorney. It will be paid for out of your mutual worth. It sounds like he will totally take advantage of you and you cannot use the same attorney as him. Call a family attorney and get them on it and take their advice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maturest Posted January 17, 2020 Author Share Posted January 17, 2020 Oh, I have my own attorney, that is when he started getting angry. He wanted me to use the same lawyer he was using and I said that wouldn’t work as she wouldn’t be able to advise me. He said so you don’t trust me after 45 years, I said I’m not sure what I believe at this point. The reason I don’t trust him at this point is he is acting out of character. He left for a 2 week vacation in beginning of divorce, does that make sense to you. If you were that unhappy don’t you think you would take care of business first. My mind wanders and not sure how he will react to things anymore. I will find out hopefully from my lawyer tomorrow, I told her either the guns leave the house or he does, I’m under enough stress without that added to it. I should feel safe in our home. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 You wouldn't believe how common it is for men to try to get you to just use their attorney. Whoever hires them is who they are representing. Glad you got your own. Just go ahead and ask her, but just getting the guns out of the house probably wouldn't prevent a disaster if he got that worked up and would go to those lengths. I mean he could always retrieve the guns or use something else. Ask the attorney and make sure it's okay if you move out. Better safe than sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maturest Posted January 17, 2020 Author Share Posted January 17, 2020 Thanks for all the advice, I think I will go to daughters house if lawyer says alright. I think I would worry a lot less. Link to post Share on other sites
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