Am I Damaged Beyond Repair?

[Preciousredd]

When I was younger 10-12yo  I was sexually abused by my grandmother's husband for two years. Throughout the ordeal I suffered a lot of emotional abuse as well that has kinda been burned into my subconscious. I was told that I was worthless, no one cared about me not even my parents. I was unworthy of love and only good for sex, that he was the only person who could love me. Being that I was so young I guess I believed it. When the abuse stopped...instead of feeling relieved I felt oddly devastated. 12yo me felt heart broken that he didn't want me anymore. Now that I am older. I know that it wasn't love it was abuse but..... I still feel like I will never be loved. I have been with men who have treated me like a queen but I could never believe that they loved me. I don't value myself. I think I use sex as replacement for love. Sex for me is a way to regain control but when it's done I feel used.... I don't know what I'm doing but I have a daughter that I want to set a better example for. I cannot afford a therapist to talk to though. I don't want to be insecure or only have long term casual sexual relationships...I  want companionship but I don't want to tell a man about my past because I believe it will turn them away. 

Should I give up on love?

[preraph]

You were groomed.  He told you your parents didn't care so you wouldn't tell them.   Did you know that 80-some percent of sex workers were abused?  And they too use sex as a power, but it's  more to convince themselves it wasn't that bad than anything else.  It's to justify it because they have feelings about it and feel bad about it even though it wasn't their own fault.  They try to fix it by using it.  

 

But what you need and you should do it now is therapy with a rape counselor.  You can start by getting recommendations from a women's shelter or sex abuse hotline.  Just google that stuff.  See what's in your area.  You need therapy to get past this because you have already internalized it and misinterpreted it.  

 

I'm so sorry it happened to you.  Not your fault.  Please put yourself first here and seek help or yes, it will affect you the rest of your days.  

[Ellener]

preraph is right.

Find yourelf a good counsellor, don't worry if you have to go through a few to find the best one for you, it's a process.

[Ellener]

And no to answer your original question, you are not damaged beyond repair, just somewhat changed by your experiiences.

[Preciousredd]

I cannot afford counseling right now.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 1/12/2020 at 10:08 AM, Preciousredd said:

When I was younger 10-12yo  I was sexually abused by my grandmother's husband for two years. Throughout the ordeal I suffered a lot of emotional abuse as well that has kinda been burned into my subconscious. I was told that I was worthless, no one cared about me not even my parents. I was unworthy of love and only good for sex, that he was the only person who could love me. Being that I was so young I guess I believed it. When the abuse stopped...instead of feeling relieved I felt oddly devastated. 12yo me felt heart broken that he didn't want me anymore. Now that I am older. I know that it wasn't love it was abuse but..... I still feel like I will never be loved. I have been with men who have treated me like a queen but I could never believe that they loved me. I don't value myself. I think I use sex as replacement for love. Sex for me is a way to regain control but when it's done I feel used.... I don't know what I'm doing but I have a daughter that I want to set a better example for. I cannot afford a therapist to talk to though. I don't want to be insecure or only have long term casual sexual relationships...I  want companionship but I don't want to tell a man about my past because I believe it will turn them away. 

Should I give up on love?

 

Wow  (I just answered one of your other posts...   but this one... is so personal )

KNOW FIRST that human psychology IS SUCH that you were completely (within the range of normalcy)  when at 12 years old you felt heartbroken  that your abuser didn't (seem to) want you anymore.

 

It IS also normal  for you to be (comfortable, it is) in just the sort of a self-centered, all-for-his-pleasure scenario which was exactly that fostered by your abuser long ago.

 

AND it is normal  that you have known feelings of being undeserving of the complete package of sincere and deep love.

It also matches an odd-seeming-to-me experience I once knew where a woman sensed my authenticity and was able to recognize in herself a reflexive dis-interest based on her own history of having been abused (and surely seeking the at-first-disguised persona of another abuser).  It sounded confusing and counterintuitive at first, but it was later explained to me, first by another person online, and then by behavioral science.

 

Your candor just lights up the internet, and it is unique to get the chance to connect the dots between a beautiful woman  and some of the many additional traps which lie in their paths through life.

I think you should be able to look around any larger community and find at least SOMEone to talk to, along the lines of therapy, for a cost you can handle.

 

I believe it is encouraging that so many of your dots connect in ways that are very common in the areas of causes and effects.  That should make therapy more productive for you than for most.

 

I'm also encouraged by your bold move to try this anonymous forum to help you gain the most basic sense of unburdening for which therapy is very good.

 

Good luck in your challenges.

 

 

[Ellener]

On 1/12/2020 at 2:39 PM, Preciousredd said:

I cannot afford counseling right now.

I don't know where you are situated but many places around the world there are non-profit women centres for rape and crisis counselling, start there and find out what's in your area. 

Here in Texas where there is a fee for most things it is sometimes on a sliding scale basis dependent on income.

But I did find out quite by accident after the Harvey floods that one of the best counselling centres in town was offering free services to anyone affected by the storm, I had two or three sessions there which determined I needed medical care too, so I didn't stay with those ladies, but it set me on the path to recovery, helped me make some decisions and move forward.

 

 

 

[JTSW]

On 1/12/2020 at 8:39 PM, Preciousredd said:

I cannot afford counseling right now.

Visit your GP and they can refer you to someone.

Take care preciousredd. I hope you are ok x

[Preciousredd]

@SincereOnlineGuy thanks for your comments on both posts. I did indeed begin counseling as of Monday and it's been rough but venting is good. The hardest part now is convincing myself that I deserve or can have the true love I crave and yearn for but love has not been kind to me so I fear it'll take a while. I don't know...... Can you turn a whore into a housewife. Do I have to disclose my past abuse as well as promiscuous behavior to a man in the future? Don't see that going over too well. Also when I said I am beautiful I didn't mean that in a shallow way because that has never mattered to me. My point in saying that was to say in a round about way (because as you can see I ramble lol) I have been approached by what I consider decent men but I always have a hard time believing that a man can love me. Anywho.... Counseling is the first step. I just wanted to let you know that I very much appreciate and value your input. Best wishes!

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

17 hours ago, Preciousredd said:

@SincereOnlineGuy thanks for your comments on both posts. I did indeed begin counseling as of Monday and it's been rough but venting is good. The hardest part now is convincing myself that I deserve or can have the true love I crave and yearn for but love has not been kind to me so I fear it'll take a while. I don't know...... Can you turn a whore into a housewife. Do I have to disclose my past abuse as well as promiscuous behavior to a man in the future? Don't see that going over too well. Also when I said I am beautiful I didn't mean that in a shallow way because that has never mattered to me. My point in saying that was to say in a round about way (because as you can see I ramble lol) I have been approached by what I consider decent men but I always have a hard time believing that a man can love me. Anywho.... Counseling is the first step. I just wanted to let you know that I very much appreciate and value your input. Best wishes!

 

 

What a remarkable... disclosure...  merely that you were inspired  (perhaps by venturing near to such subjects in your thoughts and expression here) to seek a way to avail yourself of counseling.

 

And I don't think the actual whore into a housewife  part matches in your case.     (and I know you don't think I sense that describes you in literal  terms)

 

For you were groomed in the direction from an age young enough that you aren't to blame for your trajectory.

 

I think some amount of the counseling is going to seem opposite to what your intuitive mind expects.  And I can't guess how that is going to hit you.

 

FOR example...   envision the social advice that says:     "whenever you see a guy to whom you are reeeeeeeeally attracted... THAT'S the time to RUN in the opposite direction".

(imagine hearing)   "go for the guys to whom you are only mildly attracted... and really make yourself get to know them...  and see if shared feelings brew from that"    (It'll seem BORING and unappealing at first... perhaps for lacking the parallel vibes you were made to know while too young... BUT that will be the setting in which YOU can learn SO much about yourSELF...  that you'll kinda want things to move at a slow pace just so you can read the mental notes along the way there)

 

 

There may be talk of a "broken picker"  (which is most typically just people reacting to bad social luck )...      and whatever you do...  recognize that it IS just your norm  to be attracted to  just the sorts of guys who want to use you in the present without offering you much in return.

 

(now that can {probably?}  be great if both sides really ARE unburdened either physically or emotionally BY such an arrangement,  but it has to be taxing somehow...   or everyone who could partake, would be partaking)

 

 

***  I never sensed any shallow-seeming vibe to your matter-of-fact reference to your social appeal...

 

and, man...   with regard to "should you tell... {future lovers} ? "   

 

I'm confident that:    "The better the man, the more likely it is that you SHOULD tell him".

so in that light...  What sorts of men do you want to date in the future????

 

Obviously it is far easier said than done, but IF you always tell them, then the poor prospects will weed themselves out quickly.

 

Hope this makes sense.