My ex is going to contact me after 5 months...

[ediefy]

I've been doing NC for about 5 months now. The ex has never tried to contact me in all of that time and we've never run into each other (I stay away from his part of town and our old friends).

 

I heard a few weeks ago from the only person I still talk to once in a great while that the ex was thinking of "calling me for dinner" because he found something of mine that he wants to return. The person who told me this said that he told the ex he thought it would be cruel to call me like that--did he want to get back together with me, he asked, or was it just to alleviate the ex's guilt for breaking up with me as he did (without any warning, in email, after 2 years together)? The ex said he'd think about it some more. (Interesting to me that he doesn't just mail whatever it is back to me and be done with it.)

 

So, the ex (who is back online dating again, which is how we met) has not called yet, but I have that "the other shoe drops" feeling that he might, and I'm not sure how I'll respond if I answer the phone and he's on the line. Someone suggested saying, "Oh, you found your spine!" I have played out various possibilities in my head, knowing that I could never go back with the guy at this point, but wanting to handle whatever the interaction is with class.

 

I've been pretty classy all along, called him once two weeks after we broke up to see if we could break up better (like, go talk in front of a therapist or counselor, just to get some closure, since there was none at all). He wasn't interested, and managed to make the phone call be all about him--not even an apology or a "how are you doing?" or anything like that. Mostly the call was about him being angry at me for asking him to come get his stuff from my house immediately, and for telling a few people that he broke up with me in email. Seems I took control of the breakup and the spin about the breakup away from him.

 

After that, I sent him one short closure letter (for my own edification) and the lyrics to a song I wrote about the whole thing, and that's it--no stalking, no calling, no begging to get back together, no checking up on him by seeing old friends or keeping in touch with his family.

 

So. Any advice here? Has anyone else had to deal with this situation? He may never call, of course, but my guess is that he will, eventually. How he'd start such a phone call, I don't know, after 5 or 6 or 9 months of being completely incommunicado. But I'm more concerned about how I am going to respond--I want to stay centered, balanced, strong, and clear. I loved the guy. I still don't know why he broke up with me, since we never got to talk about it at all (and really, there was nothing in his behavior up until the day I got the email that would have made me think there was something wrong--he was affectionate, calling me "my love," insisting on holding my hand in the car, etc. a few days before I got that email).

 

Thanks in advance for any advice/suggestions/ideas/comments/experiences anyone might have to share.

[In Sync]

You know it never ever fails. Someone will inform us about how many days they are on NC and they feel great! But read a bit further and you realize there is no such commitment to NC.

 

You begin to understand that there are significant leaks in the NC covenant, leaks that will ALLOW contact to flow in. This is NOT NC and should NOT be presented as such. Its about being honest with yourself as well as fellow Love Shacker's. Don't talk the NC talk without Trying to walk it. Call it something else but don't call it NC!

 

In this case, it was very clear that the poster was not really ready for real NC and alas it was proven by the complete breakdown of NC at the drop of a hat. The poster was simply in wait and see mode and entirely ready to answer contact. She was, however, not going to INITIATE contact.

 

Answering an ex lover who is no longer interested in a relationship, but wanting contact, is accepting degrading manipulation.

 

We have to view these incidents as a lesson for all coping Love Shackers. A breakdown of NC will lead to a major set back in the recovery process.

 

Mostly, I wish to ask coping posters to be completely honest with themselves and admit when they are not really practicing NC, especially when the title of the posts trumpets to the community how many days they are "ON" it.

 

I feel for you. And I am sorry you gave in this time. Its not the end of the world but it should be viewed as educational to all here who are coping. However, with the leaks set up in the NC foundation, it was very obvious something like this was Bound to happen.

 

That's because unless you are 100% committed to really going on NC, then your attempt to HEAL YOUR LIFE will be further delayed. What do you want? Do you want to heal your life or continue to swim in the MUCK of this back and forth drama? Its up to you, AND NOT the person who had the audacity to try and suck you back in by contacting you. They are going to do what they will do and you can't control that. You can control your responses, however.

 

Lets be honest about when we are ready to go NC and when we are simply paying lip service to it. Its OK if you aren't ready for NC but lets try not to frame it any other way than that.

 

This quote is from another thread from someone else called benditThought it might help you. To thy ownself be true. If you are honest with yourself things will fall into place..granted hearing fro an ex is an ego boost but beware that you will only start your downfall by replaying what they said over and over and feeling confused and hurt again. If you are doing fine without them move away. But you are responsible for what you allow in your life. Good luck, the decision is always yours to make.

[ediefy]

All I wanted to know was if I should hang up the phone the minute I hear his voice or let him say whatever it is he has to say. I've said everything I have to say about things (months ago, in the one letter I sent him shortly after the breakup). I have no interest in getting back together with the guy, but I do have some apprehension about how I'll handle the event. If I have a plan in mind, I think it'll help. And I'd like to try to handle it all with some grace, for my own peace of mind.

 

I don't have caller ID on all of my phones, so I won't necessarily know who's calling when I answer the phone. If I did, I wouldn't answer the call from him, and would certainly not return his call.

 

I am dating someone new, and I'm happy with the relationship, which looks like it may be headed towards a more serious connection as time goes on. So, this is definitely NOT about any attraction to the ex at all. I honestly don't want anything to do with him now or in the future. I am, and continue to be, completely committed to NC. Forever.

[Art_Critic]

You don't need a plan.. He may never call ..

 

Cross that bridge when/if it happens.

 

You could tell your mutual friend to pass along that it would be a call that is not wanted by you .

[brittanyjean259]

hey edifey! i have a question in regardess to what im about to go through, i just got out of a serious relationship....and he just rebounded....i know i have to move and it hurts so bad...

 

 

how were those 6 months? were they hard?

[ediefy]

The past 5 months have been hard, on and off. The first two months were the worst--I cried constantly. Cried when I mowed the lawn, cried when I was driving home from anywhere I went. Cried when I got up in the morning, and when I lay in my bed at night, unable to sleep. Luckily, I work at home, so I didn't have to maintain my composure in an office. I screamed at the universe--a lot--for putting me through this.

 

I got through it because I had a few friends (about 5) and my family to call whenever it just got too intense/painful. I'd call someone up and cry and talk and cry some more until I calmed down. Once or twice, I took some Benadryl to just help me calm down and help me sleep. I lost a ton of weight (and I'm a pretty thin person anyway).

 

But somewhere in month 3, things started to shift a bit. I was still sad, but not completely incapacitated by my situation. I didn't need to call my friends so often, and when I did, we didn't just talk about my problems. I had relapses, with some crying, but they didn't last for days. I started sleeping again, and started to eat better.

 

I did read a number of books that helped--The Girl's Guide to a Breakup was one of the best, just because the author really understands all of the feelings and impulses you'll have as you go through the process of letting go.

 

I still have kind of a dull ache in my heart, but it doesn't prevent me from living my life. I truly loved the guy, and I think he also loved me, but he got scared (another very handy book for me was "Men Who Can't Love" and also "He's Scared, She's Scared"--they really helped me understand his issues, and my own). Turns out he's a classic narcisscist, and now I know what the warning signs are, I'll be able to steer away from that type of partner.

 

So, you'll make it through this. His quick rebound relationship says way more about him than it does about anything having to do with your relationship with him.

 

Best of luck to you. It's the hardest thing you may ever have to do (and I certainly didn't expect to have to do it at age 50!), but you'll get through it.

And there is light at the end of this particular tunnel.

[bendit]

If you want to go back to the way it was the first two months of non stop hurt then take the call. Isn't it funny how you Assume that you are going to answer the call and are simply asking what to do? Have you ever thought of not answering the call? Cuz that's what you HAVE to do to really get beyond this and move on. Here you've gone five months of NC and you threaten to jeopardize this great achievement by taking a call from the EX? For WHAT PURPOSE? You think you can go back in time and recapture your old relationship? That just doesn't happen. Its a fantasy. So you should have caller ID and you should know his numbers and you should never NEVER in a million years even pick up a call from an EX classic NPD person. If you don't have caller ID get it. If he blocks his number then don't answer ANY number that you can't identify. You have five months in the bag. Its NO TIME to get weak and give back all the gains. No Contact is NO CONTACT. Don't talk to this person again until much more time has past.

 

regards

 

Mike