503503 Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 Hey group, This is my first post here and I am looking for a little insight. Backstory: Ten years ago, she and I dated. To give you an idea of our relationship, we were the type of love that was attached literally at the hip for everything and I gave her all of my free time when I wasn't working. In the end, I called it off mostly out of cowardice and a poor sense of self worth, largely influenced by a previous relationship that went pretty nuclear. All in all, I hurt her pretty bad. Leading Up: We both date other people, and in between we randomly would hook up every now and then before slowly losing contact then connecting again. The flame between us at these times was always still there though it seemed like. She dated a number of abusive dudes, ended up married and endured a physically and emotionally abusive marriage. Had a son with him, then they separated and she saw someone who ended up leading her on pretty bad (I know him, hardcore womanizer). I dated and experienced infidelity however never married, and had two daughters with two different women. Situation: She lives only a couple minute drive from me at the moment and we connected again. She had me over on last Sunday to hang out and catch up. She did some playful wrestling with me, we had some good talks but she also scolded me for leaving her all those years ago. Its clear that the breakup back then still bugs her to this day, and truth be told I consider it to be one of my greatest mistakes. We were going to head out, play some pool and such, but opted to just stay at her place and have a few drinks then I was going to walk home. I get pretty buzzed, she tries to wrestle me again but I overpower her again. She opts to have me spend the night rather than having me head back home nearby and walks me to her bed where she joins me shortly after and immediately cuddles up with me. I ended up telling her that I still love her (which I do) and she said that she doesn't see why, or what makes her so special, after all these years. She also said she doesn't really believe anyone when they try to get mushy with her these days after everything shes been through, but after we talked for about an hour she said she thinks she believes me. She also indicated that she wants me to meet her son, and that she wants to meet my parents at some point. My Confusion: I still have very strong and deep feelings for her, after the break up she took a piece of me with her and never let go. I've been doing the single life for six years now, purely focused on growing myself, my business and being a father. As a result I have been rather emotionally subdued and mainly interested in hook ups rather than anything deep and meaningful. Then she comes along and flares up my emotions again. Given my emotional bias, I don't trust myself to accurately judge the situation at hand. So I am hoping that those in the group can provide some insight or opinions, as you all stand to be a neutral third party essentially. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 Hi 503, This poor girl has been through hell and she does not need anyone else to mess her around. You have professed your love for her and you will hurt her all over again if you take that back. You both have a connection that has never fizzled out. Maybe you are both meant to be together. Do you see a future with her? Do you WANT a future with her? It seems like you freak out when things start looking serious. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 It sounds like you have the basis to date again. Just don't push the ILYs. Take it one day at a time like you don't have history. Ask her on a date. Romance her. Give her reasons to believe that this can work. Skip the sleepovers if there won't be sex . You don't need a cuddle buddy. That is teenaged BS, not the behavior of grown adults. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 making yourself vulnerable is a given, if you want to have a deep meaningful relationship. though you both made mistakes and hurts, i think you've both grown alot since the first time... who knows, mebbe you two are in a better place... but only you two can determine that. just take it one step at a time... don't lump everything on her, as if your life depended on it... that's just too much pressure... no one is perfect, obviously... and take it one step at a time.... date, learn about each other again... and see where it goes. and yes, she definitely likes you... obvious signs everywhere, but she has her doubts, from past relationships, obviously... and you weren't so hot yourself... giving up on her b/c of your own insecurities and fear... but like i said... that's the past, and now you may have a chance to undo a mistake you made many years ago.... just take it one step at a time... and communicate with her your feelings/thoughts... so she doesn't have to guess where you're at... Link to post Share on other sites
Author 503503 Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 Hey JTSW, I don't really freak out when things to start looking serious. My issue more so stemmed from the nuclear ending with my first girlfriend and it that self doubt carried over into the relationship with the ex I am discussing here in the thread. Although as a person I was pretty confident, I did feel unworthy of ones love and was paranoid i'd get cheated on. The term young and dumb definitely applies here regarding my judgement. She has been through a considerable amount of things over the years and I do carry a sense of guilt because me leaving her is what set her on that path. Though we both wouldn't take that back either, as she has gained a pretty cool son who she wants me to meet (she said he asked about me apparently), and I gained two wonderful daughters who both made me grow up much faster than most. Truth be told, I do see a future with her and I want a future with her, if she allows it. I've never been married before but I do know that shes that one person i'd never get tired of waking up next to. Although I have avoided a relationship the last six years, I have enjoyed the occasional date night out with someone here and there. At this point I have made myself unavailable to others while we try to figure this out. Hey d0nnivian, She ended up having me over last night and we had sex actually. She made her intentions known from the get go on the phone call and how she wanted to see me as well. She was playing some love songs on Youtube and pretty much said she didn't care what we did as long as I am kissing her because she has missed kissing me. She left two hickeys on my neck. That was something we did alot of when we were younger. To many the hickeys are about 'ownership', not sure what her idea behind them was but that was one of the main reasons why she did it back then, to make other women know I am 'claimed' so to speak. Hey 2BGoodAgain, I guess the whole vulnerable thing is a somewhat foreign aspect for me. I've stayed single since my last ex and I broke up six years ago to focus on growing my business (legal industry), being a good father to my two daughters and just avoiding drama in life. All in all, I have been somewhat emotionally suppressed over the years then suddenly she comes along and breaks down those walls like they were never there to begin with. Its a bit of a 'shock to the system' if that makes sense. We have both grown quite a bit over the years. After spending the night she was sending some mixed signals again in the morning, but she played some of her songs on my stereo when we went out to lunch before I had to head home. She talked about wanting to get back into the gym, I told her if she gave me a dates and times I could take her with me to where I workout. She might be available for a day trip to the beach this week if weather works out. Regardless of what happens here, we are definitely going at the pace she sets. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 503503 Posted January 30, 2020 Author Share Posted January 30, 2020 Well its been interesting since the last update. We've hung out a couple more times and the other night she called me at 330 AM. We ended up going out and grabbing a bite to eat, during the drive back to her place she held my hand a little bit. Got back to her place and we just hung out and watched Hulu for a few hours, she cuddled up into me a few times for short periods of time. I'm leaning towards her having feelings for me still at this point, her mixed signals are frequent though, jumping between having walls up and not touchy to being more affectionate feeling and hands on. Whatever happens between us will be happening at her pace though. I'm going to stay steady and consistent with her and see where this leads me. But this was the first time shes held hands with me since we started talking and hanging out again, so that feels like some progress atleast in a positive way. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 Let us know how things progress eh. But of cause she's giving mixed signals . she's scared and been through a lot , and she'll need to know if this is real and whether you'll be sticking round before she lets go first, give it time , give her time , yourself , see how it goes and if this is what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 (edited) Hmmmmmm......... often, when people split up for a long time like you two have, the loves dies. Unlike what you see in Hollywood movies, you usually get one chance at love per-person. It's interesting that you still seem to feel the spark again. I suspect the reason you broke up with her is because you were on the rebound and she was the rebound girl. But be warned, her feelings are not yours - she may or may not feel the spark again. Be careful and make sure she starts falling for you again if you continue to date her.....otherwise, you might get rejected, and it might sting. Her acting flaky is a warning sign that she may not be falling for you. Trying to get back together with an ex is a big gamble, I would not try it myself. But if you continue on this path, I wish you the best. Edited February 9, 2020 by Fletch Lives Link to post Share on other sites
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