SparklingandBroken Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 We are officially in the divorce process. I left in May, never intending for us to end up here, but here we are. We went to counseling this summer, but he didn't want to go back after she told him he had a drinking problem and that it was affecting our marriage. We went on a few "dates" after that, but he continued to prioritize everyone and everything over me and our marriage. I know that this is for the better, but it is so painful. I know that I can't change him and that I can no longer accept the way I have been treated. I think because there was no big incident like infidelity, it makes the emotional process so much more difficult because I don't hate him. I think the holidays really brought a lot of emotions to the surface and I am very nostalgic for all that could have been. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie472 Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 (edited) My STBX sounds similar, always worried about entertaining and impressing everyone... but me. I am so looking forward to not being disappointed/hurt/last priority/hidden. To maybe one day finding someone who will be proud to show me off. The interim will hurt, but oh, the possibilities..... Edited January 12, 2020 by Lizzie472 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SparklingandBroken Posted January 12, 2020 Author Share Posted January 12, 2020 14 minutes ago, Lizzie472 said: My STBX sounds similar, always worried about entertaining and impressing everyone... but me. I am so looking forward to not being disappointed/hurt/last priority/hidden. To maybe one day finding someone who will be proud to show me off. The interim will hurt, but oh, the possibilities..... Yes, there are SO many layers to our situation. I ignored red flags, but things DEFINITELY got worse after we got married and even moreso in 2019. We were planning to start a family this year, which I think is why I drew a line in the sand. I can't imagine bringing an innocent bystander into a situation like this. It's just heartbreaking because we have known eachother for 20 years. He was my first kiss, we reunited as adults. I think my emotional attachment is why I ignored red flags. Also, because my prior ex was a cheater so he was a huge improvement from that. I am very nervous about my future. I clearly do not have the skills in selecting an appropriate mate. My first exH was a blatant narcissist, but I was very young. This time, it took me by surprise. I really truly believe that he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He used gaslighting just as much, if not more, than my previous ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie472 Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 What does he give you that you can’t give yourself? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SparklingandBroken Posted January 12, 2020 Author Share Posted January 12, 2020 11 minutes ago, Lizzie472 said: What does he give you that you can’t give yourself? ...you’re good! 😂 I can’t think of anything. Happy moments were fleeting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie472 Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 Not good, just going through the same thing. Feel free to message me if you need to talk. The more support we have, the better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 In your first post, the part of being nostalgic for what could be, is the hardest part. There is no easy way to get past that. You just have to accept that your new path will be different. I'm sorry for what you are going though, but it's best to make a clean break, and just be done. In my situation, things didn't really start to get better until the ex left the house. At that point, I had the space needed to find myself. You will find happiness again. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 19 hours ago, SparklingandBroken said: it makes the emotional process so much more difficult because I don't hate him My xH of 23 years was unfaithful, but I still didn't hate him, I just didn't want to live the rest of my life like we had been living for several years. It does add an extra layer of things to deal with, still caring about their well-being, but knowing they can't be part of your life anymore for your own sake. Your new normal can be great, just give yourself time to adjust and come to terms with what happened. Be positive and curious about things and you might find new interests and hobbies that you didn't know you enjoyed and make new friends along the way. And don't feel any pressure to have another romantic relationship anytime soon. Your past relationships have taught you lessons, so carry those forward and don't doubt that eventually when you're ready you can have a healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Midlife with Sweet T Posted February 2, 2020 Share Posted February 2, 2020 I'm so sorry you are going through this but thankfully you have reached out and found a great group to help you! I think you are lucky to be realizing these issues now instead of letting the relationship deteriorate further....maybe even an affair because most of them start out as a partner who is not prioritizing their marriage. Lucky does not equate easy though! Endings are never good or they would not end. I'd be willing to bet everyone on here at some point had second thoughts and the woulda coulda dreams. Life would be easier if things would work out but don't daydream. Look at facts and past behavior. If he/she is not working on themselves and the marriage, they are not likely to change. In that case, it is better for you as a whole person to walk away and save your heart from further torture. My best advice would be listen to your own advice: if this was your daughter in this relationship, what would you tell her to do? If you would not put your child through it, you should not put yourself through it (if you don't have a daughter you still know what I'm saying). No one has the answers for your life but you (and God-I believe He is the way, the truth, and the light but if you do not please do not be offended). Once you are committed to ending it, get and keep a good support system, give yourself a minute to grieve the loss of your best friend (spouse), and then everyday try to put one step in front of the other to take you toward your new future. I found new ideas on YouTube and it helped me when I felt alone. There is so much out there for you! This is the time to reflect on who you wanted to be, what did you dream of doing before you became attached? I always wanted to travel but my ex didn't fly. Now I try to travel someplace new every yr or so and I am far happier to explore with friends and family than daydreaming of it from my couch like before. After all, this is your life to mold into the one that brings you the most fullfillment! You can do this! Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 On 1/12/2020 at 3:45 PM, SparklingandBroken said: Yes, there are SO many layers to our situation. I ignored red flags, but things DEFINITELY got worse after we got married and even moreso in 2019. We were planning to start a family this year, which I think is why I drew a line in the sand. I can't imagine bringing an innocent bystander into a situation like this. I applaud you for ending this before you started a family with him. So many of us out here ignored the red flags, and then (some years later) found ourselves out here looking for help to navigate the situation not only for ourselves, but for our children whose homes and dreams we broke with a divorce and/or staying in a bad marriage. You might feel broken right now, but you're still sparkling!! It will get better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pastypop Posted February 26, 2020 Share Posted February 26, 2020 I am going through the grieving process now. We have been separated for 7 months and the anxiety and nausea it just terrible. Most days, it’s all I can do to get out of bed. I wake up sick, get the kids up and go lay back down in bed until I make myself get up, get partially ready for work, lay back down, then finally get out the door. It is terrible. I don’t focus at work, go through the motions with my kids and just go back to bed. Can not wait for this phase to end. On the weekends, I go home to my house, away from the kids and feel much better. He comes down to where I currently live and takes care of the kids. I can’t wait to finally get past all of this and get my energy, drive and happiness back. Link to post Share on other sites
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