Towtom Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 (edited) As a newly married woman, I have a relationship with a married man for 6 six months. We started 2 weeks before my marriage... We are in touch every minute of the day and we are in love. I know my emotions and I want to trust his words and actions. I believe he loves too. We talk to eachother about everything that happens in our lives, we share great moments and we start talking when we wake up and end at sleep time. He honestly says that he has no willpower to start allover again and most probably he will never get divorced. He has a child and everything he has even his firm belongs to his wife but I don't think this is a financial choice. I believe he wants to keep his family and wife. But he says things like I dreamed of us living together, I had many wishes about you, If only I met you earlier etc. I believe in him but again I am realistic. He is honest and sincere with me and he says he can only talk to me about some issues. He once cried while talking about his personal issues. My marriage is problematic but I never promised him about a divorce and he never wanted that. But lately we were talking about my considering boob plastic surgery which he is opposed to, I randomly asked whether surgery effects breastfeeding if I have a baby. Since that random question first he got annoyed and said that he didnt want to listen to me making babies with my husband. Then in the morning, he said that he felt guilty for f***ing up my life and assumed that I had a dream of being a mother and he ruined it. He said that this idea of his is not a decision and he will never break up but he said that he feels very said and guilty, figuring out how to beat that feeling. Then later on the phone he said that he was aware that he had no word in it if I wanted to have a baby with my husband. So he lived these phases and I just tried to figure out what happened. We are good, we still love. But I am confused about this incident. What is going through his mind? Is our relationship sustainable. Can we carry this out for years? Edited January 12, 2020 by Towtom Wording Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 Hi. You do not come across as a deliberately cruel person but, if you think about it, what you are doing to your husband is incredibly cruel. If he finds out about it (and it's likely he will) it will be like a knife through his heart. His entire marriage will seem, to him, like a lie. If he is like many men he will probably truly hate you. So, that is the risk you are taking. Honestly I do not think you are psychologically ready for marriage. You probably enjoyed it and had fun and like your husband at some level. But, you don't really have a marriage and if you continue the affair, you'll never really have one. I'm not trying to be mean in saying this, I think I'm just stating facts. I'm not going to tell you what to do with your life. If it were me, I'd end the marriage (divorce or possibly annulment) and give up the other man (OM) and go back to dating to find someone I can actually be married (loyal) to, at least at the start. Affairs often get discovered, it's called a discovery day (Dday). From what I understand they are awful, awful experiences to go through for all parties involved and particularly for the betrayed spouse. Given that you are only 6 months in, I think you should try to think very seriously about how all this would feel from your husband's perspective and act according to your best sense of what's in both of your best interests. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 Towtom, you need to get your priorities straight or you will have a very unhappy life 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Towtom Posted January 13, 2020 Author Share Posted January 13, 2020 My husband knows it and we are thinking about divorcing. He hates me one day and wants a divorce and he begs me to stay the next day. According to the laws we cannot get divorced until we complete one year together. So we are waiting for it. Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 If my wife came home with a new set of breasts id have some questions lmfao. Can you carry this out for years? Really? Most people dont allow these things to carry on for years because they have a conscience, but you seem completely devoid of one. I think you should reach out for therapy and eventually marital counselling to fix your marriage. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 TomTom.... Best Case scenario... you'll be the OW for years until it becomes too unbearable for you... the OM wants you on the side, b/c he won't leave his marriage. You are a fantasy to him, instead of the reality that is his marriage. Fantasies have great highs and very few lows b/c your relationship isn't reality. He may believe he's in love with you and you with him, but let's be real... if he truly was, he'd leave his marriage to be with you. As Harry once said to Sally... when you realize the person you wanna be with, you don't want to wait... not even a second to start your life with them.... you want to tell them immediately so that you can start your life ASAP... i'm paraphasing, but you get the idea. I'm sure he wants to believe he is... it's a great way to justify the lying, the cheating, the betrayal, the sheer selfishness of the affair.. b/c if it's love, it justifies anything... that's just rationalizing the selfish act, that deep inside, he knows he is committing. And it isn't just being selfish against his wife/family/marriage... he's being selfish with you, b/c he has no intention of following thru with being with you, even IF he was single, b/c if he can't leave his situation to be with you when his life is miserable, do you really think he will when he's happily single? you know this already.... You divorcing your hub is prob the best thing for you both. You've already betrayed him on a level to a commitment that's suppose to be one of the most sacred between two people... so regardless if he wants to be with you, in reality, the marriage is over. But don't fall for the highs and mistaken it for love... fantasies are always bigger than life, more dramatic and much more intensely pleasurable than ordinary reality.... but the high is never enough... eventually like any high... you'll reach a low and wonder where the "love" has gone... b/c it isn't love, it's just a high... and you'll keep looking for the high in another person who can trigger this within you. on a personal level, my AP and I kept it for 12 years... and during that time, she begged me to leave my partner for her... I used to tell her the same thing... if only we had met earlier... i realize now, it was just an excuse... and i also realize, even if i had left my partner(s)... our affair lasted two different relationships... reality would have burst our fantasy, b/c no matter how many hours and how well we connected and how strong our chemistry... it was just fantasy, not the realities of arguments, hard compromises, disappointments, etc.. So I'm saying this and i believe many above are saying the same... figure yourself out... not just for this relationship, which i think is already a lost cause... but for any future happiness you may get in future relationships... you're an adult, you have choices to make, and a future to decide on... happiness or jumping from high to high... good luck to you! good luck to you. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AriesMan83 Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 (edited) Hi Towtom, Pls stop before its too late.. Pls read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.It will give you a fair idea of what affairs are. Affairs are not true love.You and MM are not two star crosses lovers.Affairs are a fantasy and an addiction.You and MM are people who are using each other to get your selfish needs met. Why do you feel that it's OK to have an affair?Do you realize that he is stringing his wife along without her knowing it while he is getting selfish needs met by having an affair with you?Why didn't you stop your marriage from hapoening if you started an affair before it? What you feel is love for MM is actually addiction to the ego stroke that you receive from him.Affairs allow you to escape from the realities of daily life.You don't turn to MM because you love him.You turn to him to escape from the tensions you feel at home. Pls google and read about "Limerence". Your MM has no right to decide what you want to do in your life.You should discuss it with your husband. Your MM won't break up with you is not because he loves you.He has wife to take care of his needs at home and he is getting his validation needs met by you.That is classic cake eating. What you have with your husband is a relationship based on honesty. Pls get into IC with an infidelity expert to find out why you thought its OK to cheat?You need to develop better boubdaries and strong cpping skills.Pls read about infidelity and how it's affect the families of the people involved in Infidelity. Why do you think that you don't deserve a honest relationship but an affair? Your husband is going through a lot of emotions every single day.It's heartbreaking and extremely painful to him.Pls stop your affair if you respect him. Breaking an affordable is hard.You will go through withdrawal like an addict.But if you can continue on that path and get counselling,you can become a safe and reliable partner for your husband.If your husband still decides to divorce you,you can become a safe and authentic partner in your next relationship. Edited January 17, 2020 by AriesMan83 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Harry2020 Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 So your MM will not only divorce his wife but also his job? Then will have to get a real job. Not a fake do nothing bosses husband job. This man may really love you, and want to be with you. But he’s never going to leave his really nice life. Made possible by his DW. She may even be letting him play with you. To actually have to do something. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AriesMan83 Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 (edited) Towtom, Have you stopped your affair? Have you gone NC with your affair partner?? Edited January 18, 2020 by AriesMan83 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 If you are "newly" married why not get it annulled? If you are in love with another man there is absolutely no good reason to waste anymore of your current husband's time. Hopefully your MM will leave his wife, stop wasting her time and go with you since you're the one he's in love with. What are you guys waiting for? Link to post Share on other sites
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