Trying to break away from abusive relationship for good

[quirky86]

I am a 33 year old female, self-diagnosed with BPD. I know how I ended up here and I take full responsibility for that. I'll start with some background so you'll understand my situation a bit better. I grew up in a very emotionally abusive, neglectful environment. Much like a lot of people, I was not taught how to have self-esteem or self-love. I was bullied from a young age, my father was an absentee alcoholic, and my mother struggled to get out of bed most days. The only thing that seemed to revive her after my parents divorce, was a relationship with a man who smoked crack cocaine. Basically, there have been a series of micro-traumas which have led me to where I am today.

My own history is such that I have never felt "okay" being on my own. I have a horrific fear of abandonment and I can barely stand to be alone for much longer than 5 mins. My first abusive relationship began in high school and my abuser was a drug-dealing narcissist. Between then and now, I have been in and out of a series of emotionally abusive relationships, discarded by men who only wanted me for sex (which was fine with me because that's the only way I felt validated), and toxic friendships. I sought therapy over the years, even tried DBT (individual and group). Nothing has helped me fill that big gaping hole in my heart.

I have just ended my current relationship, which I have been in for two years. My ex partner was extremely possessive and controlling. That might sound alarming to some people, but I took comfort in it at first. Because that meant he REALLY loved me. The fact that I was not allowed to have a single male friend, not allowed to keep old letters from ex boyfriends, criticized for my clothing, told not to "think so much", isolated from my friends...all of this meant that he really wanted to love and protect me. My rational self knew that it was emotional abuse but I didn't care. I just wanted to be loved and he was always there for me. He made me call him before bed each night, and if I didn't text him the minute I woke up he would be furious. He needed to know my whereabouts at all times. I believe that his behaviour allowed me to feel more comfortable displaying my own insecurities. I didn't want him hanging out with female friends (mainly because I thought his misogynistic views on women meant that he probably wanted to f*** all of them), and I also wanted to be with 24/7. I didn't mind that he was monopolizing my time because he gave me a sense of identity. He promised me marriage and a family. He had a big extended family which welcomed me as their own. I never had that so it made me feel safe. Looking back, there were the obvious red flags since day 1. But what really made me take a step back from the relationship was the fact that I got so angry one night that I threw a cell phone at him, and ended up getting charged with assault with a weapon. The courts issued a no-contact order which meant that I couldn't contact him unless he signed a contract stating that he was okay with it. He didn't sign it until 1 month and a half later. So I essentially went through the drama of dealing with assault charges on my own, and for the first few weeks all he did was post videos of himself on Instagram having fun with his friends. He didn't break the no-contact order until he realized that I wasn't going to contact him ever again. But those initial weeks after my arrest were absolute hell. It was the worst abandonment I had ever experienced.

No one ever asked me what he did to get me to that point. That night I was beyond drunk (self medicating) and we had an argument. He basically ignored me the whole night, and told me to "go f*** myself". He said a bunch of other horrible a things which triggered my fear of abandonment, and I reacted very badly. And I became the "crazy one", as usual. He managed to weasel his way back into my life shortly after that by promising never to abandon me again, promising to go to therapy with me..and a bunch of other BS. Therapy was interesting, he basically explained his behaviour as nothing but a reaction or a retaliation to my behaviour. He is completely incapable of accepting responsibilty, or taking ownership of his own issues. Anyway, he didn't keep any of the promises he made and I stayed with him for another 6 months.

We had a similar experience recently which led me to end things. A male friend messaged me and he EXPLODED. I reassured him that this person was an old family friend, and he was like "you probably f***ed him. You f***ed all of your male friends..." and that's when I exploded. Only this time, I packed up my stuff and left. Something hit me...I thought "if you don't get out of this relationship, it will end in disaster."

I know I made the right decision. I have anger issues which are unresolved from childhood. But I know that staying with him is not going to make them any better. I feel that he pushes me and preys on my insecurities. I also believe that he is an undiagnosed Narcissist. He fits the profile perfectly.

I guess I am looking for some hope. I need to get better. I am going back to therapy and I pray every day. I meditate as well. I just don't want to be weak when he hoovers me back in. He has already attempted to contact me and it has only been 2 weeks. I need STRENGTH and also compassion for myself. But the fear of abandonment is so overwhelming. Why does this hurt so bad???????

[LivingWaterPlease]

quirky, I don't know why it hurts so bad other than it seems to me you base your identity on what others think of you or say to you or about you. You wrote about how you've been abused and neglected all your life.

Put a plant in a pot of soil, don't water it, set it in a closet where it gets no sunlight, open the door and throw something at it every once-in-awhile and what would happen to it? We all know it would wilt and die.

Well, you're like that plant in the way you've been treated. And you have wilted but you haven't died! Yay for you! You can come out of this and with some healing and care you can survive and thrive!

Put that dying plant in the middle of the room somewhere with a sunny window not far away and it may very well begin to grow turning toward the sunshine flooding through the window if someone begins to water and fertilize it. And if no one abuses it or throws it in the closet again.  If it's nursed back to health you could even put the plant in the closet for a short time, pull it out, and it would be fine.

You, like the plant, need the sunshine of love and care, and healing water of life to grow and survive. 

You do not need another relationship right now because chances are strong you'll choose someone who treats you as you're accustomed to being treated, abusively, and end up worse off than ever.

Do you live on your own or with family or friends?

Many time counseling is recommended in situations like yours. And that would be great for you! But, imo, you need even more than counseling, which is great but you need an outside power to administer healing to you. That would be God, who alone heals and restores. Many hundreds of thousands of people, including myself, have been healed and restored to a place of strength and well being through getting to know God through the Bible. There is a text that says the word of God is living and active. That it gets into you and works like a surgeon's scalpel to remove toxins thereby restoring you.

Get a New International Version of the Bible and read the book of John in the New Testament (basically second half of the Bible) first to get to know who Jesus Christ is, and if He's someone you'd like to have in your life. Then read the three books that precede it, Matthew, Mark and Luke.  Then read the Psalms and Isaiah Chapters 35-51 in the Old Testament.  If you read these things each day for even five minutes with a prayer first for guidance I guarantee you that you'll begin to be healed and restored. I've seen it happen many times in worst case scenarios.

Healing is there for you. You don't have to feel abandoned, because you're not. God will never leave you or forsake you. But, the journey in healing with God takes time. Don't be discouraged. Just be consistent no matter what happens. Just give it ten minutes a day to begin and watch your life change.

 

[quirky86]

Thank you LivingWaterPlease, I appreciate your reply. It's messages like yours that will keep me from giving in when he attempts to contact me again. I have a feeling that he is not finished with me yet. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

You can do this, quirky! But you need God's strength because you've been abused and beaten down! You're going to heal and be strong one day if you invite God to take your journey with you!