Sad realisation

[spiderowl]

I have come to the conclusion I will never find a partner. I am so disillusioned with online dating because guys on there cannot behave like decent human beings. They want to chat on the phone to get to know me, then I find out they just want to j—k off to my voice. As soon as I realise what’s happening, obviously I shut them off.

All guys seem to want to know about me is whether I am willing to talk about sex with them. If I hardly know the guy, def not! 

These are supposedly intelligent, decent guys. 

If I do meet someone nice, then there is always a problem. He’s an avid conservationist, vegan, or some other thing that means we have to spend every outing looking at labels or quizzing the cafe owners before we can relax. 

If not the above, he has poor personal hygiene or is hopeless at being supportive. If I’m lucky, he is not guarded with money as if he thinks I am about to rip him off.

If I had a partner, he would need to be kind, empathic and not too inflexible in thought and deed. I realise now that this is asking the impossible. I wish it were different but that is the sad reality. It’s a depressing thought. 

Life seems to be about working to pay bills.  Our rubbish government does nothing to make things better for people and we are stuck with them for another four years now.

Sorry, I guess this is more of a rant than anything. Having a nice partner helps to cushion you from the stress of life generally and it’s disappointing to see how warped so many men seem to have become. I guess himans were only ever partially civilised!

Edited January 13, 2020 by spiderowl

[chillii]

Sounds like your lookin for me haha, sorry couldn't resist.

l'd take it your in the US , sounds so bad there for anyone tbh his or hers. My ex is over there and l truly feel bad for such a very special lady that's for cert gonna go to waste. l only say that because it sounds already hard enough if your mainstream but she's very very different and very very special and just not shallow enough to even want let alone deal with the sorta stuff l read n hear . lt really saddens me she might be ex but l'd truly love for her to meet someone worthy.

Sorry your having the run you are , would seductiveness help much there. What a lot can't understand is that if your being truly selective then you may not go out with anyone for a yr , 2, 3 who knows. but no pain no glory.  At least your together in a good place and available when they do come along and not all minced up like so many seem to be.

Anyway , good luck , chin up , stay of the court for awhile to eh.

 

 

 

 

[Foxhall]

8 hours ago, spiderowl said:

If I had a partner, he would need to be kind, empathic and not too inflexible in thought and deed. I realise now that this is asking the impossible. I wish it were different but that is the sad reality. It’s a depressing thought. 

Yes and there are surely a lot of guys who would fit your criteria and who also would be glad of a woman like you,

not sure why it not happening- what you mention there about the vegan- does that really matter,

you could easily show enthusiasm and support for your vegan date, enjoy enquiring in the restaurant are there vegan friendly dishes etc, get into an upbeat spirit rather than viewing it as an inconvenience.

perhaps you have to  tolerate a few more imperfections widen the pool a bit.

Edited January 13, 2020 by Foxhall

[chillii]

Sorry, this is the second time a spell checkers done that to me and l didn't realize. And it was a similar thread to , l came back next day and the lady who's thread it was is like huhhh, seductiveness ??????

Ahhh, sorry  ,   would  " selectiveness "   , help. ?

[Ellener]

I'm English, emigrated to America 20 years ago. Americans can be so crass compared to other cultures, including me now...we just got obsessed with the material world is how I see it.

10 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Having a nice partner helps to cushion you from the stress of life generally and it’s disappointing to see how warped so many men seem to have become. I guess himans were only ever partially civilised!

We are just so mixed up in America right now, it's a young country. We have all this sexual freedom combined with this puritanical history. Still working ourselves out. 

Hang in there, always darkest before the dawn.

((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))

[alphamale]

things will get better spiderowl

[Happy Lemming]

11 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I am so disillusioned with online dating because guys on there cannot behave like decent human beings.

So stop utilizing "on-line" dating to meet guys. 

Go out into the real world, put yourself in social situations and meet people in real life.

[d0nnivain]

You need to change your hunting ground.  

I never had trouble meeting men.  I was a serial monogamist all my life.  When I found myself unattached at 37 with no prospects on the horizon & few single friends, I listened to conventional wisdom & turned to OLD.  What a horrible demoralizing experience.  Rejection, after rejection.  Men I didn't find attractive.  Men who were unsuitable. Men who didn't respond.  (It took a while until I figured out that e-harmony kept profiles active even after the person stopped paying & couldn't respond.  I learned that because for almost 6 months they sent me messages saying I had new matches if I would just renew then I could see them so there were men out there who thought I was the awful person who didn't respond)   Of the few men met, the lack of social skills & attraction was just ridiculous.  After 90 days I gave up & went back to conventional ways of meeting people.  It was so much easier & I met a better class of men.  It took about 6 months of actively looking . . . going out at least once per week . . . to meet DH.  I did meet some decent guys along the way. 

OLD however was awful.   It's but a single tool.  Do not rely solely on it or you will remain single & disappointed. 

[spiderowl]

13 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Yes and there are surely a lot of guys who would fit your criteria and who also would be glad of a woman like you,

not sure why it not happening- what you mention there about the vegan- does that really matter,

you could easily show enthusiasm and support for your vegan date, enjoy enquiring in the restaurant are there vegan friendly dishes etc, get into an upbeat spirit rather than viewing it as an inconvenience.

perhaps you have to  tolerate a few more imperfections widen the pool a bit.

Thanks, I do understand what you mean but I am trying to avoid extremes. For reasons which I can’t go into here, my life has been dominated by problem eaters for years. I was veggie for years myself but veganism is going too far for me. 

[spiderowl]

20 hours ago, chillii said:

Sounds like your lookin for me haha, sorry couldn't resist.

l'd take it your in the US , sounds so bad there for anyone tbh his or hers. My ex is over there and l truly feel bad for such a very special lady that's for cert gonna go to waste. l only say that because it sounds already hard enough if your mainstream but she's very very different and very very special and just not shallow enough to even want let alone deal with the sorta stuff l read n hear . lt really saddens me she might be ex but l'd truly love for her to meet someone worthy.

Sorry your having the run you are , would seductiveness help much there. What a lot can't understand is that if your being truly selective then you may not go out with anyone for a yr , 2, 3 who knows. but no pain no glory.  At least your together in a good place and available when they do come along and not all minced up like so many seem to be.

Anyway , good luck , chin up , stay of the court for awhile to eh.

 

 

 

 

Thanks, I’m in England actually but I appreciate the govt in the US does not appear to be the most caring either 

[spiderowl]

9 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

So stop utilizing "on-line" dating to meet guys. 

Go out into the real world, put yourself in social situations and meet people in real life.

I appreciate what you say but health probs and work mean I am too tired to go out much. Online does not seem to work though so this is why I’m giving up.

[spiderowl]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You need to change your hunting ground.  

I never had trouble meeting men.  I was a serial monogamist all my life.  When I found myself unattached at 37 with no prospects on the horizon & few single friends, I listened to conventional wisdom & turned to OLD.  What a horrible demoralizing experience.  Rejection, after rejection.  Men I didn't find attractive.  Men who were unsuitable. Men who didn't respond.  (It took a while until I figured out that e-harmony kept profiles active even after the person stopped paying & couldn't respond.  I learned that because for almost 6 months they sent me messages saying I had new matches if I would just renew then I could see them so there were men out there who thought I was the awful person who didn't respond)   Of the few men met, the lack of social skills & attraction was just ridiculous.  After 90 days I gave up & went back to conventional ways of meeting people.  It was so much easier & I met a better class of men.  It took about 6 months of actively looking . . . going out at least once per week . . . to meet DH.  I did meet some decent guys along the way. 

OLD however was awful.   It's but a single tool.  Do not rely solely on it or you will remain single & disappointed. 

I’m glad you managed to find a better way donnivain. I have realised the same things about online sites too. It’s a shame for the decent guys on there. I won’t speak to guys online on the phone now if they ask too soon. 

Edited January 14, 2020 by spiderowl

[Ellener]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

OLD however was awful

honestly, I only went on one date with a really special guy and immediately came to that conclusion.

It's not mentally healthy to construct a self like that, or to say things like 'it's just a numbers game', what the hell, the more serious about a relationship the more caring and loving you should be. 

Play nice!

[mark clemson]

I hear ya gotta kiss a LOT of frogs...

[Ellener]

35 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I hear ya gotta kiss a LOT of frogs...

Well you see my profile tag-

Kissing the frog to get the prince is a waste of a perfectly good frog...comedian Jim Benton.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Why are you talking with strange men on the phone? A phone is used to set dates, that is all... Anything outside of setting a date with your phone and you are probably look for a pen pal.

It kills me how the same women that want to meet a nice guy are also the women that chase after a pen pal relationship... If you are gonna treat a dude like your pen pal, he is gonna treat you like his... This is how we treat our pen pals.

Use your phone to schedule dates, nothing else. Go have a coffee with them for 20 minutes, make it known you only want to meet for 20 minutes and go from there.

[Ellener]

well maybe a penpal is all women need from some of you!

But yes, 

'Use your phone to schedule dates, nothing else. Go have a coffee with them for 20 minutes, make it known you only want to meet for 20 minutes and go from there.'

Totally agree. If you are going to do OLD make it real quickly.

[chillii]

21 hours ago, Ellener said:

honestly, I only went on one date with a really special guy and immediately came to that conclusion.

It's not mentally healthy to construct a self like that, or to say things like 'it's just a numbers game', what the hell, the more serious about a relationship the more caring and loving you should be. 

Play nice!

Yeah l agree.  For me during my little old date site stint , you see things you've said there , is  a lot like some of the thinking and attitude l looked for in old , and in what she'd say on her page.

Negatives l might talk about in other threads were just things l saw a lot of , but l didn't really bother with anyone like those , l looked for special words and attitudes , and faces of character , things and feelings that meant a lot to me and would show she was like wise and different from the rest.

There are some good people on date sites too, but you've really gotta be selective about who you bother with imo and look for that thing that hits your same chords whatever they may be. Anyone l did meet , were exactly as they seemed and in the same place as me in life and wanting the same things and felt the same way about things, it was all in what the'd said on their page , even if it was only one line like my gf. l could see from that one line exactly what she was about , a bit like in those few little things you've said there.

So for me there weren't really any surprises l met a few great women and it was a pleasure to meet them and we  had nice times even if we weren't really right for each other in a relationship sense. Although there was one that used old pics from yrs ago . But then l met gf and it was obvious in seconds we were, it was obvious on the phone and messages before too.

l think for sure online stuff can be all the things people complain about but if you just don't bother with any of those and they're usually very obvious in things on their page , usually even if they talk all nice right through there's still a line in there somewhere that gives them away , just skip them all , look for the real and like minded and they're the only ones you even bother with .  So that's the way l did things , and l'd be exactly the same in RL too , and there is some real among all the crap.

Anyway , sorry you've had the run you've had spidy , would've thought the UK was still ok . One things for sure though , the internet and media is like a virus that's just spreading so much of the common mentality all over it , through the rest of the world these days . Bloody sad really

Edited January 14, 2020 by chillii

[Cookiesandough]

Ah man. Sorry you’re frustrated, but hang in there. Guys are dogs, seriously; but there are really great ones out there, just have to find one with good temperament that’s been properly socialized. 

[elaine567]

I think many women go for penpals as they want to suss out what the guy is like before agreeing to go on a date.
Guys can be scary.  
Some guys are very pushy and need sex almost upfront, any woman who wants to slow that train down wants to get to know a guy a bit before agreeing to anything..
 One can learn a whole lot from a phone call, without putting oneself at risk...

[chillii]

Yep fully agree on the calls.

l read people saying it means nothing , don't waste time on calls blah blah, but l found the exact opposite and you can feel right there especially with calls and hear things that tell you a helluva lot.

Edited January 15, 2020 by chillii

[spiderowl]

It is good to talk to someone to find out more about their personality, I agree. Problem is, every time a guy wants to talk to me now, I am worrying that he is secretly j—king off! Who wants to be free chat porn for a guy? It makes me feel used and abused.