Spousal Support

[PJ12]

Hello all, new to this forum, but been lurking here for a few days and I am hoping that I can get some positive feedback. We lost our son just over a year ago, stillborn at 38 weeks. A year prior to that we had a miscarriage. On the eve of our son's birthday the wife and I had a long talk, really about everything in our relationship. As I feel we have been on cruise control the last 7-8 years and our emotional and physical intimacy has really taken a back seat with raising our other 2 children. We do have a tough time communicating on any real issues and it can turn into a defensive battle; instead of a constructive conversation sometimes. Anyway, come to find out in the midst of that conversation my wife point blankly said that she didn't need me for any emotional support or in her grief. I was taken aback and honestly hurt by that comment. My wife is a strong women, and when her father passed away about 6 years ago she really didn't grieve much; at least in front of me. I understand that grieving is a private process and I respect that we all grieve differently, but in a marriage we should at least be able to come back to each other once in a while to lean on each other; especially in this situation since no one else really knows what we are going through. I personally don't have anyone else to count on in terms of support. I have my mother and one other close friend, but they both offer limited help; as much as I appreciate it. I am currently in counseling and that has helped somewhat. I am curious, though if anyone has had any experience with their significant other being so emotionally withdrawn from them given the situation. I understand that bringing things up can be upsetting, but my wife pushes to be happy and has been trying to get life back to "normal" I understand the desire to get things back to "normal" but my thought is that things have changed and that our "normal" is now different. I assume she may be in denial. She has agreed to go to counseling, but only in support of me; not for herself or for us as a couple. As she feels she does not need it. Please any advice to help hurdle this wall. I feel so distant, more than ever, from my wife and I feel like if we can't weather this storm together, that it may cause a permanent rift in our relationship. The last thing I want is divorce or separation, mainly for our kids, but I feel like I am at my wits end here. Thanks for any and all who read this.

[Ruby Slippers]

Some people prefer to handle emotional situations in a stoic way. My mom is like this. Even though she likes sappy, sentimental movies, she's very uncomfortable discussing emotions and changes the subject if the conversation goes that way. 

[Mr. Lucky]

On 1/13/2020 at 11:13 AM, PJ12 said:

I understand that bringing things up can be upsetting, but my wife pushes to be happy and has been trying to get life back to "normal" I understand the desire to get things back to "normal" but my thought is that things have changed and that our "normal" is now different. I assume she may be in denial.

First off, my condolences on your loss.

But I wonder how you've decided your way of grieving is the right way and hers wrong?  And if she's not on the same page as you, then she must be in denial?

The journey forward from tragedy is intensely personal, no "one size fits all".  So her stoic manner no more indicates a lack of support for you or the relationship than your desire to process at your own speed means you don'y care about her.

I agree counseling would be valuable, especially for you.  I think you're sublimating some very natural feelings in a somewhat dangerous way....

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

Very sorry to hear about your son.

I think the best way to offer your support is by responding to her requests. If she says she needs "help" then help, but if she says she doesn't wish for support then help by letting her process this on her own and only giving support when requested. People can deal with grief in different ways - so suggest you accept hers.

[pepperbird]

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your little ones. I can't begin to imagine how hard that may have bene for you both.

I guess I could say I am in your wife's position due to my spouse having a mental health issue. He's working through combat related PTSD, and that eats up so much of his mental energy he has none for me. I know that sounds awful, and it won't always be tat way, but for now, it is what it is.

I am not one to talk very much about my emotions at the best of times, but I simply don't much at all now, at least in real life. I can't count on my husband to be there for me emotionally right now, and I have at least four people who are depending on me. I have to be there for myself.
If your wife is anything like me, she can take on only so much at a time. She pushes the rest down, and puts on a mask of stoicism. She may say she doesn't want to talk, and she's probably telling the truth.

You want to talk, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. It's wonderful that you do.You might try suggesting to her that you are worried about her, and it would help you to keep in touch emotionally. You understand that may not be what she needs right now, but it would really help you, even if she just writes to you in a "couple's journal". That can be kind of a soft introduction to her in expressing her feelings to you without pressure, and it can give you a view into her emotions. Over time, it may get easier for her, and she might even find she can be more verbal.

Sorry I can't be more helpful. I do hope you two can navigate through all of this.

[schlumpy]

I think individual counseling with the goal of focusing your thoughts and legitimizing your concerns is a good first step. I don't know why your wife has put up emotional barriers, but I can see your concern about it and read how it's driving you in the wrong direction. Get your thoughts focused and confront her about it or consign yourself to a emotionally unsatisfying relationship or future divorce. Don't allow the emotional distance to grow between you one more centimeter. 

[PJ12]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and expressing your condolences. I really appreciate all of your comments.

I understand that everyone grieves differently and I appreciate and understand that. I also understand that we all have our own journey to take in moving forward with a tragedy. I think the thing that makes me the most frustrated is that she has totally shut me out. I lost my father 15 years ago and my wife lost hers about 6 years ago, so I/we understand what it's like to lose someone close. But this, this is different. This was our child and although grief may be very private, I feel we should be leaning on each other at times to help ourselves through. No one else knows what it was like to lose our son, so it's only fitting that we help each other. Marriage is supposed to be the partnership on where we are supposed to be able to lean on and count on that person when we are at our weakest. Maybe I ask too much, but it just gets so lonely and it's just so very hard without your partner to help move forward; especially as something as shared as a child. I mean it was expected that both of us worked together on raising and caring for our other children, why would this be any different? As a man, part of my healing was to be there for her, to help protect her. Her shutting me out has really hindered my healing, which is what I guess hurts the most. It's almost feels like she doesn't trust me enough to be open with me.

The other support people I have help and are great, but they struggle to really understand. Everything I have read about others loosing a child say they couldn't have made it through with out their spouse and I understand why; it's a shared tragedy and we should be able to heal together; as well as apart. Thanks for all that take the time to read and comment.