Author UCanCallMeCrazy Posted January 22, 2020 Author Share Posted January 22, 2020 11 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said: actually, what i meant was... and this isn't something you have to answer me.. lol. i meant, ask yourself... what physically attracts her? what mentally attracts her? OK, Understood Link to post Share on other sites
Author UCanCallMeCrazy Posted January 24, 2020 Author Share Posted January 24, 2020 Quick update - No discussion yet because we have been traveling on a short vacation to see some relatives, and I did not want to get into it then/there. I have been trying to be more overtly attentive so that I’m not coming at the discussion from a feeling of hostility. I got thrown another ‘cracker’ the other night, which was nice in some regards and confusing in others. Not sure . . . why then and not another time ??? Anyway, hopefully we will have the discussion soon. . . (Yes, it is easier to give advice than it is to take/follow advice) Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 24, 2020 Share Posted January 24, 2020 1 hour ago, UCanCallMeCrazy said: I got thrown another ‘cracker’ the other night, which was nice in some regards and confusing in others. Not sure . . . why then and not another time ??? I have been trying to be more overtly attentive so that I’m not coming at the discussion from a feeling of hostility. Reordered your words to show a possible hypothesis. Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 On 1/17/2020 at 1:57 PM, Mr. Lucky said: So you have a 30-yr history of 'tolerating' a sexless marriage, and failing to change or even consider the issue would have no impact on her life? Why would she take you seriously? Mr. Lucky Mr. Lucky hits the nail on the head here, she has ZERO respect for you, you are a safe option and she feels she doesn't have to "fight" for you or even try any longer. Now, change that perspective, it's never too late, take back your dignity, in this situation, you have very little. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted January 29, 2020 Share Posted January 29, 2020 On 1/17/2020 at 2:48 PM, 2BGoodAgain said: quick question: what turns her on? her body, but more importantly, her mind.... ? answer me this. This!! Do you even know what turns her on? God help me for asking this, I know guys can get really touchy about it -- but are you good in bed? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 29, 2020 Share Posted January 29, 2020 Sexless or low sex marriages are often not about what the wanting spouse is or isn't doing and more about the other not really wanting or needing sex. Far too often the advice here is that something is not being done or can be done better. I actually shared that opinion when I first started here years ago, but having read thread after thread on this topic it because obvious that it's not always the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Kyra Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 On 1/14/2020 at 7:50 AM, UCanCallMeCrazy said: Would a low desire for sex be something that is normal for my wife? 🙄 Is it normal for some women? 🤔 Or would there be issues that I am not seeing (like affairs or something else)? What could my wife be feeling? 🤔 Women can have low desire for a number of reasons. My husband and I used to have a similar problem, though much less extreme. I was horny when dating and first married but it didn't last long. For me I think there were a few contributing factors: (in no particular order!) 1) My husband and I were just friends for years because I did not find him physically/sexually attractive at all. But I grew to love him and wanted to marry him so I kind of talked myself into finding him sexually attractive. Once the "in-love" flame died down the attraction died off too. I still loved him but didn't feel any passion or desire. 2) I've read that husbands should keep the spark alight by frequently touching their wife throughout the day - eg. pat on the bottom etc. This is supposed to keep their relationship sexual. I guess it could work with some. For me I felt it had the opposite effect. He was always "allowed" to touch me and frequently did so for me there was no thrill in this, touching became mundane. There was no sexual tension like when you're starting to date. 3) I'm sexually kinky. With my husband and previous boyfriends the excitement of a new relationship was exciting enough, but within a few years vanilla sex could not excite me once I was not excited just to be with him. I had to resort to my fantasies to make myself aroused enough for sex - before and during, which stopped sex being truly intimate and bonding with each other. 4) The only way I can orgasm is with a vibrator. He bought me one in our first year of marriage and we used it during sex which made sex more enjoyable but with all the other factors in play, even when I would say sex was good because I enjoyed it & came, it was never great (after the first year). With all these factors sex became less desirable for me. Yes I could enjoy it but it was such an effort to do so and felt pointless much of the time except to keep the husband happy. Then because most of the time I was only doing it for his sake, I came to see sex as even more of a chore. Even though he was loving and did whatever it took to make me happy - during sex and at other times - (except for not having sex) - it didn't feel like we were making love, it felt he wanted sex and I had to provide it as a wifely duty. This all just made me want sex less and made it harder to get aroused. (I was going to write "in the mood" but I was never really in the mood. I just had to try force myself to get aroused when I had no interest.) I commend you for your forbearance of not putting your needs first, but I believe it's also true that having sex more frequently tends to keep one's sex drive up - as long as it's very good sex! If you have great sex on Saturday, you're still thinking about it a few days later and you want more and look forward to the next. When my interest has been low so I don't think about it or have sex for some time, I just stop thinking about it or wanting it at all. I kind of forget how good it can feel. So low interest with no sex becomes zero interest. I would recommend the two of you go to a sexual therapist. I think to change this pattern you have with wife is going to take much more than a conversation. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 13 hours ago, Kyra said: My husband and I used to have a similar problem Used to have? What's happened then? Have you fixed it? Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 Quote I know guys joke about there being a sex drought after marriage, and that is probably true in a lot of cases. I was just surprised at how rapid the roll-back was for us. It's not a joke, it's sometimes true, unfortunately. It happens because either: 1) the woman was an actress and just had sex to hook you. 2) or, the woman's love level is down, she's starting to fall out of love with you. But if she's tired of chasing the kids around all day, that's a legitimate complaint - people often don't want sex when stressed/exhausted. Get a baby sitter and start having a weekly date night again, and see if there is an improvement. Or, her love level may have dropped because you neglected her in the one of the following areas: romance, respect, trust, or affection. You could try to find out what's lacking and if you have Changed since your dating days. Never stop dating your wife if you want things to last. Link to post Share on other sites
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