Cookiesandough Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 (edited) Hi, so I was wondering what you guys think of the ethics of a person dating within the same social group. Meaning, basically, their ex’s friends or acquaintances? There is something called “bro code” and I probably wouldn’t date a guy my friend was into. Just not worth it to me. But what about if you aren’t the friend but the ex? Tacky? Flat out wrong? Also have you done this and what happened ? ——/— I have now dated 3(about to date 4) of my ex bf’s friends semi seriously since we broke up 5 months ago. Didn’t plan it, it’s just they were the first to show interest in me after I broke up My ex flipped his sh*t when I got into a serious relationship with someone in his social circle with a month later. Some divisiveness among our shared friends. Some said it’s wrong and some said NBD. Edited January 13, 2020 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 don't stay friends with your ex or his/her friends unless you have children together 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 I try to be open about this kind of thing, but for me it would depend on how the break up went. If someone broke up with me and then decided to date my friend, I'd be pretty miffed about it. But if I could see why they would be a better fit for each other than I would be, then I'd get over it. If it was me that initiated the breakup, then I'd say to my friend: Your problem now 😉 I'd be more OK with it. If my ex was using it to get back at me... sorry, that won't work! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 I suppose its common enough a girl dating a guy but it is really his buddy who she has her eye on. some guys will play on this- they will observe what their mate is doing wrong and make a move themselves once they feel things are on a slippery slope- not the most ethical but all is fair in love and war as the saying goes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 Homie hopping? I learn new terms everyday. In my view it is wrong to knowingly date an ex's friend. I've always held that view, it's happened to me, and it was a pretty sh*tty feeling. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 I wouldn't "homey hop" and never have. Lol. I dont care if my exs friend shows me interest. It is a solid no, just like it would be if one of my friends exs were to hit on me. Nope. Nope. Nope... and more nope. Just not worth the drama or the fall out 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 (edited) It can really make things uncomfortable, and the ex (or friend) may loose a friend because of it and have a low opinion of you. I was very hurt when an old friend of mine slept with the guy I was in love with even though we were having problems at the time. I kicked her out and him, of course, but it was more her onus because she'd known me and been good friends forever. Not nice. The crowd I ran with, everyone knew everyone, so you did cross-pollinate, but you tried not to get too close to home. Like their best friend or something like that. It's unethical and people do notice and will judge you for it. I know, because the old friend who did it to me, all my friends, ESPECIALLY the male ones, thought she was a POS and wanted nothing to do with her. They were fiercely loyal to me. Edited January 13, 2020 by preraph 1 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Where I grew up, sometimes your ex would end up dating a friend. The common courtesy was for your ex or your friend to ask you if it was OK before proceeding. That's if you're in a small, fairly closed area with limited population or a limited social circle. I think the same goes for small-town dating in a place where everybody knows everybody. The concept is that you have to disclose what you're up to so that nobody in your community gets surprised. And then you're also obligated to keep the details of your previous relationships to yourself. No secret-swapping, no gossip. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 No, because it would create a potentially ever-lasting bitterness and no friendship is worth that kind of hassle. Friendships usually end abruptly when homie hopping is in full play. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 (edited) Dating one friend of an ex after a lot of time has passed and everyone has moved and not carting baggage around is probably acceptable. Kind of like what MM said. But you're processing your way though his friends, each semi-serious relationship after another, only 5 months ago. It's really poor form on your part. The rumour mill in your friend group must be working overtime trying to keep up with all the gossip. Even dating any 3-4 guys semi seriously in the space of five months just does my head in. Anyway, I think your ex had every right to flip his lid. Edited January 13, 2020 by basil67 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 homie hopping or clout chasing? Hmmmm..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 It happened to me and then they later actually got married (and later than that got divorced). I had broken up with her and wasn't around them much anymore so it was more awkward than anything else. Not a big deal to me. IF I had strong feelings for her or anything I can see how it could be quite painful emotionally, so there's that to consider. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 I think in remarkable circumstances it's acceptable, but dating 4 of your ex's friends just because "they're the first to show interest" in you? Creepy. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 Certainly convenient... 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 (edited) Quite frankly I am surprised that these guys want to participate in this round Robin...Most guys don't do it... Its a big world and while I know good guys are hard to find, you shouldn't be worried about getting one outside of the circle.. TFY Edited January 15, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 Back in my younger, more callous days, we used to call it "sloppy seconds." In this case, thirds and fourths. Not generally appealing. I would not date my friends exes and I have not had a friend date my exes. If it were "meant to be" I get it. Good couples meet in all kinds of ways and "I was dating her friend" is not that uncommon. Just going down the line is ... yep. Trashy. Sorry. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted January 14, 2020 Author Share Posted January 14, 2020 8 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Dunno. How about she's a grown up and can screw who she pleases? It may hurt a former lover's feelings (or not) and/or disrupt or even end some/all of the friendships (or not), but they are grown men and can decide whether to accept any overtures. If you break up with one person, aren't you allowed to go find another. Perhaps it shows a lack of consideration for others' possible feelings. Would that work for YOU, DD? 🙂 To answer your question though, I suppose what was (a tiny bit) triggering for me was the implication of no morals at all, just based on what was described, from a complete stranger on the internet. What's the morality of judging others? BTW, are you a free, independent, educated woman? Highly immoral in some parts of the world. If you go there, they will be happy to throw you in a burka, put you under control of a male, and beat you until you comply. Yay morality! Ty. Yes I agree. It wouldn’t bother me, personally, because I am not a person who thinks I own other people, especially after we have broken up. What they do after is not my business. They owe me nothing It may bother me if my friend did it knowing it would hurt me, as mentioned in OP. That is where most of the problems have occurred in my situation. My ex made a huge post about his friend on social media, calling him out, he’s “canceled” etc. He said I dated him because he knew it would hurt him the most. That’s incredibly narcissistic to believe that my motives still have anything to do with him. My ex was a semi popular musician in a local scene in my city, so I met a lot of people that way, so when we broke up, it makes sense that you start dating people who you kind of know and have hung out with. Now I broke up with that guy and I’m dating another friend who that guy now hates. I definitely see a pattern and don’t feel good about it. The guy I’m seeing now that my last thread was about I dialed it back to casual and treading carefully Ima keep doing me. I guess one thing going through my mind is that if you lived in a very small city (I don’t) the likelihood of this happening would be very high. I suppose they wouldn’t be faced with as much disdain Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Ima keep doing me. I guess one thing going through my mind is that if you lived in a very small city (I don’t) the likelihood of this happening would be very high. I suppose they wouldn’t be faced with as much disdain MM and I both remarked on this. Dating an ex's after the dust has settled and wounds are healed wouldn't face much disdain. But processing you way through all the friends wouldn't be a good look. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 38 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Ty. Yes I agree. It wouldn’t bother me, personally, because I am not a person who thinks I own other people, especially after we have broken up. What they do after is not my business. They owe me nothing Nobody has suggested that your ex owns you. Thing is, after breaking up with someone, our friend group is where we go for comfort and support and fun. For you to still be hanging around, upsetting the dynamic between mates, turning into someone who turns up at events even though he'd rather not see you again......this is what is upsetting for your ex. He can't be rid of you. For me, it's not so much about morals on your part....it's more about dignity. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted January 15, 2020 Author Share Posted January 15, 2020 (edited) Sorry but with all due respect , I have every right to have been to those events with my new bf as he does, He doesn’t get to monopolize places or people and a lot of his own friends told him that. Other people’s lives don’t revolve around him. Not gonna miss out on good times and a connection with someone cuz he chooses to be butthurt, basil. & it’s not like we intentionally threw it in his face either Edited January 15, 2020 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 Of course you have every right to do it. Doesn't make it a nice thing to do though. You really couldn't give him space to heal? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted January 15, 2020 Author Share Posted January 15, 2020 Yes I did. I did not intentionally come around to where he was. If I knew he was going to be there I stayed back. It was a month after the BU the first friend(now other ex) and I connected and he even said he didn’t know we were going to click as much as we did at the time or he would have talked to him about it. It wasn’t intentional Link to post Share on other sites
Tristian Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 After some clean up I'm going to remind everyone to keep your replies polite, helpful, and on topic. Thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: Sorry but with all due respect , I have every right to have been to those events with my new bf as he does, He doesn’t get to monopolize places or people Ok, you've lost me. You asked what we think about somebody going through their ex's friends one after the other. You've received input. It has nothing to do with your ex, what events or people you frequent. Frankly, Cookies, I'm suspicious that you are just trying to be outrageous by coming here with this. You already know what people think about it. That's why there are so many purgative terms for what you're describing. Anyway, of course, you do you. It seems to be working out great. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted January 15, 2020 Author Share Posted January 15, 2020 (edited) yes ty, I know that I asked for input and I appreciate everyone’s opinion, even if I don’t agree.I was simply putting forth my own opinion and opening general discussion. Not everyone agrees. Sorry for confusion. Edited January 15, 2020 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
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