Barbs Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 I've been married for 10 years and have two children from a previous marriage. My husband works hard and always asks if I'm tired when I'm quiet and sad. He falls asleep in ths sofa most nights or spends most of his time on his phone watching videos. Weekends he fixes his car or goes to the football. I'm self employed and work from home. My life is solitary so I look forward to everyone coming home. But the person I want time with ..talk too.. be interested .. is not there anymore. I could be anyone..what's the point! I feel so low, tearful and very lonely and sad...help Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 Have you made an attempt to initiate activities that both of you would enjoy? It could be something as elaborate as dinner and dancing or as simple as playing Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 (edited) I tried the 'doing activities together' thing when my previous marriage was dying. I found that the activities weren't fun because of the missing emotional connection. Barbs, does he know how you feel? And if activities were to be done, would he give up time on his car or football to do them? Edited January 13, 2020 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 Is he fixing his car and going to the football alone or does he have friends or your kids maybe to keep him company or is he wandering about on his own too? Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 you could try a guided activity holiday or something, just reading one myself earlier, 6 nights between Hungary, Austria and Slovakia, be a nice trip, get out of your normal routine and give you some reconnecting time. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 I was never so alone as in the last stages of my marriage (divorced now). You can be quite alone in a crowd. Tell your husband you are lonely. Be with him when you can. If he continues to act distant and 'be on his own path' you have a decision to make. If you aren't growing together you are growing apart. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 My dear you're in a bad marriage. It may not be his fault but if this is how you feel, well... Get him to spend more time with you. Working on cars and going to football games are optional activities. Insist if necessary. Bond with him and don't forget to have regular sex if that's fallen off. The prospect of a Saturday afternoon screw can be a good motivator for many men. If you do hobby clubs, interest groups, meetups or similar to meet more folks, that's all wonderful. Just strongly suggest you resist any temptation to have an affair. Then often tend to be a "garden path" solution that makes you feel better for a while, but then ends up causing lots of problems, sometimes VERY MAJOR ones. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 Welcome to LS... How old are you, generally? I noted this is second M with prior children. Been to the doctor lately? Any interaction with female friends? When would you say this feeling of sadness and loneliness and H seemingly going off and doing his own thing began? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 You have to make your own fun, and I believe anything can be fun. I just ended a new relationship. He told me that before me, his life was very routine, pretty much the same things day in and out, but it was a lot more fun with me. I made a little party out of almost everything we did. Cooking dinner? We'd try a new recipe and make it fun, jazz up the presentation a little. Watching a movie? We'd cuddle up, laugh, pause it sometimes to talk about it. We'd go on walks together, work out, take a shower or bath together, play some music in the house, sing and dance. Anything can be fun with the right attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 As someone who works at home most of the time, I can tell you that this is more about you working at home than anything. I'm not married and am easily amused on my own most of the time, but I HAVE to get out of the house and go to a nice restaurant and treat myself and have an occasional lunch or visit with girlfriends and a trip to the casino once in awhile for a change of scenery, where I like to swim in the summer too. So you just need to make yourself get out more. Get some little hobby, hiking or go to a museum and go out to lunch by yourself without the kids for some adult time. It's not always possible to get the husband out with you, so just go on your own. Do a trip to Sephora or MAC and schedule a makeup makeover or go to the salon or spa once in a while for a massage or facial and use their steam room or hot tub. I like the casino (it's an hour and a half away) for a complete change of scenery even though I always lose! It's still entertainment. If you have a dog, go to the dog park. It is impossible not to mingle there because the dogs will force it on you! You talk to whoever they go up to. Or rent a cabin at a state park and take the kids and husband, or camp out if you're up to it. You just need a break in routine. Having new experiences with or without family will stimulate you and them both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 If you want a conversation, why not go out to the shop and start handing him the wrenches? Even if you aren't mechanically inclined, I'm sure he'd love to have you around. Or go to the football game with him. Insist. Whine if you have to. He probably has ZERO idea that you are missing him. He's asking if you are tired because that's how he's feeling, and he's at least making an inquiry. You aren't in a bad marriage, so don't even start contemplating a split. You might get some advice in that direction on this forum, and it is rarely right. I'm betting that he's probably too tired (or will make excuses) about doing some kind of new activity with you. Guys don't like change. Don't insist on it, at least not at first. If he's not the kind of guy who wants a lot of company, he'll have to slowly get used to having you around more. Like I said, start with going out to the shop when he's fixing stuff. Hang out. Talk. Bring some cookies or a cold beer. Maybe take up some kind of hobby that makes you need some garage space...giving you an excuse to be in there. Carve out a little corner for yourself. Do you have any hobbies or activities currently? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 You need to build your social / business circle & then reconnect with him. When you fix the side you can, you will feel & be more vibrant & interesting. That should cause him to want to come around. Right now he's your only outlet & when he lets you down it hurts worse. So 1st step -- join a group to invigorate your business: the local chamber of commerce, the WPO, NAWBO, Women who Launch, BNI, LeTip. . . .what you join doesn't matter just get involved. Second, volunteer somewhere doing something. If you are active in the community serving on a board somewhere, that will also increase your visibility & your bottom line. Plus it will give you purpose & feed your soul. Now talk to him about how you feel & how lonely you are. Have a solution about what you want from him. Don't just vaguely whine. I suggest that you get him to agree to dinner conversation & at least once a week date night plus a monthly weekend day activity. If you can get back to both of you putting in the effort to date each other, you will feel closer. It sounds dumb but sometimes I drive my husband to the train station in the morning. It gives us a few minutes in the car in the morning & at night to talk. It helps keep things fresh. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 On 1/13/2020 at 2:45 PM, Barbs said: My life is solitary so I look forward to everyone coming home. While I certainly look forward to everyone coming home, my life is certainly less than solitary. Same with my wife, we both have friends and outside interests and activities, just as it seems your husband has also. As has been pointed out, you need to expand your social circle and build your network. This isn't your husbands problem to fix... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 On 1/13/2020 at 5:45 PM, Barbs said: I feel so low, tearful and very lonely and sad...help Barbs... I highly recommend that you and your hub take something called the "5 love languages" test. there's simple and complex versions of it, but it basically informs you and your partner, how you interpret/express love... quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service. Those are the 5 traits. it helps couples understand how their partners PERCEIVE love and SHOW love... for example, my partner and I did the test and found out that whereas "Act of Service" was a 10 on her perceives and shows "love" ... for me Acts of service was "0"... meaning, that when she does things like cook for me or take out the trash... i don't really see it as love from her to me... and i also don't naturally do things for her, to show her i love her... for me Quality time was on top of my perceptions/showing love... and so i'd spend time with her to show her i loved her, or expect time from her for her to show love for me... what the test helped us to do is... understand how our partners perceive love and how they show love... so though, it isn't natural for me to show love by giving my partner acts of service... i recognize that she needs this to feel that i love her and feel loved... and vice versa, she's not a person who naturally gives time to show love.. but b/c she realizes that by giving me quality time, i feel that she loves me... she does it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 On 1/13/2020 at 10:45 PM, Barbs said: But the person I want time with ..talk too.. be interested .. is not there anymore. I could be anyone.. The problem here will not be solved by the OP taking up hobbies and interests and surrounding herself with new "friends" if she can find them. She will still be lonely and sad as the person who she needs attention from ie her husband has effectively closed himself off from her. Whose "fault" that is, is open to question, but IMO the answer lies within the marriage, not outside it. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: The problem here will not be solved by the OP taking up hobbies and interests and surrounding herself with new "friends" if she can find them. She will still be lonely and sad as the person who she needs attention from ie her husband has effectively closed himself off from her. Whose "fault" that is, is open to question, but IMO the answer lies within the marriage, not outside it. Elaine's right! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 She can't change him. She can only change herself. If she goes out & does things to feel her soul & ease her loneliness, he should take notice & want to be a part of what she has going on. She does also need to talk to him but her being busy & active will help diminish the sting. What is her other option, divorce? That is hardly a solution. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 Just now, d0nnivain said: She can't change him. She can only change herself. If she goes out & does things to feel her soul & ease her loneliness, he should take notice & want to be a part of what she has going on. She does also need to talk to him but her being busy & active will help diminish the sting. What is her other option, divorce? That is hardly a solution. you're right that she can't change him.. but she can give him the opportunity for him to find it within him to adjust a little, so they can connect again... people aren't mind readers... even if they know something is off, they may not have the right tools to allow such a change. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 8 hours ago, elaine567 said: the person who she needs attention from ie her husband has effectively closed himself off from her I'm going to gently suggest she may not be the most fulfilling person to come home to. She needs to proactively hold up her end of the relationship rather than waiting for her spouse to fix things... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 4 minutes ago, Mr. Lucky said: I'm going to gently suggest she may not be the most fulfilling person to come home to. She needs to proactively hold up her end of the relationship rather than waiting for her spouse to fix things... Mr. Lucky As i said, we don't actually know the full story in order to assign "blame". If he is at heart a closed off, football/fixing cars kind of a guy then it wont matter what she does, he is probably not going to change. Seems to me many men are not really all that interested in what a woman gets up.to as long as she is not cheating. They are rarely impressed with women's hobbies and interests unless they happen to share them... Some men will actively stifle their wives' interests too. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 10 hours ago, elaine567 said: As i said, we don't actually know the full story in order to assign "blame". Very true. But since she can't fix him, she can only address her role and take responsibility for making her own life better. Regardless of the marital outcome, that's a net gain... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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