How Important to You Are Names in Relationships

[GingerGal]

I was raised names = building rapport (even respect) & that to purposely not use a name is a sign of disregard (even disrespect). The exception of course is if you don't know someone's name or if you prefer some given nickname (some people I know I actually prefer being dubbed hun as example rather than my name we've just got that sort of close/causal rapport). I am just curious how important names are to you as I've worked in some places (and known people) who rarely go and use your name even in conversation despite actually knowing it. 

If willing breakdown by:

Friends

Causal acquaintances 

Work associates 

Romantic partners (potential & current). 

[The Outlaw]

With the exception of a romantic relationship, it's nearly equally important to be on a first name basis if you want to have any type of other relationship with them. 

[major_merrick]

I'm used to using names with others.  For friends, casual acquaintances, and colleagues....just use my preferred first name.  Sometimes a nickname with really close friends. 

There's also some social rules that apply here in the South. For example, if a stranger addresses me without knowing my name, it is good manners to use "Miss" or "Ma'am."  With a person who knows my name but doesn't know me well, or perhaps is subordinate (like an employee or a child) it is more polite to address me with title and last name.  My husband's other children address me as "Ma'am" or sometimes as "Mother."  Or if needing to refer to me in particular instead of my husband's other partners, will identify me as "Miss Merrick" when pointing me out, because it is assumed that we all have the same last name. 

With a romantic partner, there is usually a pet name or term of endearment reserved only for within the relationship.  To my husband, I'm the "snow fox" in 3rd person, or "foxy" or "sweetie" when I'm being called.  This doesn't really happen in front of others. 

[basil67]

My best friend uses names when talking with people.  Although it's nice, I wasn't raised with this habit and it feels odd when I do it.   Because I wasn't raised with it, I don't see it as a lack of respect.   

Also, my memory for names is very poor and I often remember the name of the acquaintance I just spoke to about 5 minutes after I said goodbye.

[GingerGal]

1 hour ago, The Outlaw said:

With the exception of a romantic relationship, it's nearly equally important to be on a first name basis if you want to have any type of other relationship with them. 

Why, out of cursorily, would you say with the exception of a romantic relationship? Due to the tendency of pet names being used? 

[LivingWaterPlease]

To me, using the names of people I'm interacting with is a thing of beauty. I do it whenever I can with whomever I can. I also have nicknames for my children and grandchildren. And one of my children has a nickname for me. The spouse of that child has a different nickname for me. I love nicknames! 

I was once many years ago dating a psychologist who had a daughter who was a little slow in school and small for her age.  At the time I had nicknames for my kids (they weren't yet married). I read an article I shared with him that claimed kids with nicknames thrived more than if they didn't have them. Within a week he was calling his small, slow daughter a nickname and did thereafter!

All that said, to me, using a person's name or a nickname for them is a form of recognition that says, "You're special enough for me to enjoy using your name!" To me, it says many other positive things.  Start noticing how you feel when someone uses your name. 

[The Outlaw]

14 minutes ago, GingerGal said:

Why, out of cursorily, would you say with the exception of a romantic relationship? Due to the tendency of pet names being used? 

Because they're the most important by far in a romantic setting. I just think I'd rather be called my actual name and not a pet name. 

[K.K.]

I like nicknames and pet names and use them often. It’s special - just for me and them. Plus, they just fall out of my mouth and I can’t help it... and sometimes I forget their real name because I’m just bad at it. 

 

[Art_Critic]

my exW used to call me a dic*head or a MF as***ole, do those count as pet names ? 🤣

I used to call my wife "Sexy" but after 12+ years of marriage it has gotten old, I guess it didn't have staying power..

Edited January 14, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[K.K.]

^ ^ 

I used to call my ex the pillsbury dough boy. Then I’d poke him in the stomach and he’d go wooOO hoo

Good times. 

Edited January 14, 2020 by K.K.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I have met so many people, like, you really gotta set yourself apart for me to give a flying f*** what your name is... Might sound cold, but I'm just not a name guy for the most part. I've slept with many women and played that game where I am asking obtuse questions because I don't remember her name but don't want to let her know that I do not remember it... I used to default to "Chief" in these situations, but now I try to at least personalize a nick name.

[Mrin]

I worked with a woman named Julie for maybe 12 years. She is one of my best friends. Always will be .  

There is one thing you never ever do when talking her - use her name. Seriously. I could say, "you really did a bad job in that meeting" and she would take it as constructive criticism. But if I said, "Julie, you did a bad job in that meeting" - BOOM! She'd lose her marbles. I even found that if worked with compliments. "Julie, you are truly one of the greatest people I know" and she'd still get triggered. 

I'm sure there is a childhood or relationship story behind this. I just never use her name. Easier that way.

[major_merrick]

I just noticed tonight that sometimes pet names or nicknames are almost the result of an inside joke, or some personal quirk.  And it often depends on whether you're talking in 2nd person or 3rd person.  Like, my husband will use my given name in 3rd person, but not when talking to me directly.  My GFs will do the same.  To Wife #1 and Wife #2, I'm simply "The Blonde" in 3rd person, as in "go talk to The Blonde and see if she borrowed it." 

When talking to Wife #4, my husband calls her either by her rank (security position) or calls her "Number One."  Those two are more work-related, which makes sense I guess since their friendship and work relationship predated their romantic connection.  Stories to everything....

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

. I've slept with many women and played that game where I am asking obtuse questions because I don't remember her name  I used to default to "Chief" in these situations, but now I try to at least personalize a nick name.

In my younger years, my default was "Sunshine".  Like you, I slept with a lot of women and using the wrong name (especially during sex) was the "kiss of death", so I adopted using "Sunshine" for every woman.

And if a woman asked me why I was calling her "Sunshine" I would start singing that Johnny Cash song... "You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey..."  give her a smile and all was good.

 

[Prudence V]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

Because I wasn't raised with it, I don't see it as a lack of respect.   

In my home country, it’s often used as a sign of disrespect. To you, I must be Dr So-and-so, but I can emphasise the social distance between us by calling you by your first name. Or, in a meeting, the Deputy Vice-Chancellor insists that the student addresses him by his first name rather than as “Professor”, to maintain a veneer that all members in the committee are equal, but everyone knows that’s not the case, so calling him “Professor” blows that masquerade out of the water. 
 

Names are also a very personal matter, back home. You have different names for different categories of people. Your family call you one name, your friends another; there is another name used by people from outside the culture, one used by strangers, one used in official situations, etc. It gets complex when people assume they belong in one category and use a name that causes offence because the person addressed has assigned them to another category. Easier just to use more general terms of respect. 
 

For me, also, I don’t like my first name. It jars in my ears, and I don’t really identify with it. Luckily people seldom use it, which I prefer. 

[balin]

Dale Carnegie (who wrote How to Win Friends and Influence People) said, “A person's name is to that person, the sweetest, most important sound in any language.” Remembering names of customers, prospects, networking contacts, and colleagues is critical to your ongoing professional success.

So I have always made a point of remembering and using names as often as possible without exception.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I find that using a person's name while in conversation WITH that person (aside from at the beginning, to get their attention or whatnot) usually feels forced and awkward to me, unless there are other people around and addressing the person by name is necessary to clear up any potential ambiguity. I ALWAYS notice when people do this with me, and I find it strange. If we're the only two people around and we're already talking about something, and then they start dropping my name, like instead of "so, what did you think of XYZ?" it's "What did you think of XYZ, Kitty?" It makes my ears perk up a little bit; if they do it more than once, it kinda makes me suspicious. I find that many people do this in an almost ingratiating or manipulative way. Like they've read about the "power" of using a person's name in conversation and are finding ways to work it in there for whatever effect.

Maybe it's extra obvious to me because my given name is uncommon and most people have a hard time remembering/pronouncing it unless they make a concerted effort. 

Maybe also because of that, I like it when people give me nicknames. I've had many of them, including several that are humorously based on institutional botchings of my actual name (thanks for nothing, Department of Licensing...). I also like it when people just refer to me as "hey, you!"

My husband often calls me "sugar" (a common nickname in the South where he's from, and he started calling me that one day after seeing me pretty much covered in powdered sugar), though these days he sometimes also calls me "saddlebags." 🤣

Edited January 14, 2020 by Kitty Tantrum

[balin]

20 minutes ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

If we're the only two people around and we're already talking about something, and then they start dropping my name, like instead of "so, what did you think of XYZ?" it's "What did you think of XYZ, Kitty?" It makes my ears perk up a little bit; if they do it more than once, it kinda makes me suspicious.

Oh God yeah that would be odd. I just try to make a point of remembering names without having to be reminded. Not repeat as I may have indicated in my 1st post.

Edited January 14, 2020 by balin

[Miss Spider]

I try to call them by the right name. Doesn’t always work 

 

kidding 

Edited January 14, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[GingerGal]

It's interesting to see the responses. When I asked how important I meant just as general acknowledgement not "needing" it per say. I am pretty passive myself about names (I only go by a shortened nick as to me, my full name = I'm in trouble) & have a variety of nicknames (some run of the mills, on some trait, or others on a personality quirk). 

[LuckyM]

Most people like to hear their first name spoken--this is well known.

I do not like when salespeople and strangers call me by my first name

because they think the friendly approach gets more sales. Not to me!!

It sounds presumptuous.   One good question is:--- does someone's name

encourage you to like or dislike them? I once put an online ad out asking for SF

with names I like: Crystal, Robin, Renee, Tracy, etc. Did not work.