Wife regretting not having kids

[Els]

Just now, Woggle said:

Honestly I am perfectly fine with not having kids or fostering or any of that. I love her niece like she was my own blood but I admit I enjoy her visits more since she is an adult now and we don't have to look after her. I do love my wife dealy though so I will do whatever to make her happy but I am hoping that this will pass or she is just getting nostalgic because her niece is now all grown up.

Well, if your wife is doing some mentoring at a volunteer service, surely that wouldn't really affect you? You wouldn't need to participate. For fostering or adoption, I could understand your concerns.

[Daisydooks]

2 minutes ago, Woggle said:

 

I know my wife is not being selfish by not having kids. She admits that she loves spoiling them after they turn 8 but she would not be good with a baby. I joked that maybe we could adopt a 12 year old which looking back was sort of insensitive but she laughed. She did ask if her 14 year old nephew could come over for the weekend though so maybe the pull is strong with her. 

Walk through this with her, keep the lines of communication open, and try to just be sensitive to what she is feeling. That's all you can do through this. How old is she, Woggle? More out of curiosity than anything.  Knowing she can be open and honest with you as she struggles her way through these feelings has to feel really nice to her. 

My brother has never wanted kids. When he met his wife, she didnt either. They were 30 when they wed, and often had people say "you'll change your mind, so never say never." They always took it with a grain of salt and now at 44, they have no children and to my knowledge, nothing has changed with their desires. They never gave reason to believe it wasnt physically possible, but that could have played a part. I never asked because I have had my own struggles with infertility and it's not my business why others dont have kids. I find it rude to ask so I never did. I listened, but never asked anything they werent willing to share on their own.  It was never my business so I've never pushed or asked why. They just simply didnt want them. That was a great answer for me. 

They often "borrow" kids they can send home.  They absolutely adore their friends kids and love children. They also love sending them home to mom and dad! It was just never something either of them wanted and they were very open about it early on. Despite people telling them they would change their mind, I am sure they're relieved to be of an age now where they hear that less and less. I cant imagine being told "you'll change your mind" all the time. No one ever says that to people with kids. Lol. No one ever looks a pregnant woman in the eyes and says "you're going to regret having that child."

I do often wonder how many people wonder what life would be like had they decided not to have kids. I wonder if they have regrets, but doubt they would ever openly admit that because it would sound awful. "I regret having children and hate being a mother" is something no one warns you about. They only warn you you'll regret not being a mother. My mother always said it was up to me, and I was free to change my mind at any time, but that I needed to make aure I could feed myself, take care of myself and be stable before making any big decisions like having a baby. That is all she asked of me. 

17 minutes ago, RecentChange said:

My counter - tell me one selfless reason to have children.

I honestly cannot think of one, but I am agreeable on all fronts with you, so I would naturally have nothing to combat this with. I am of the mindset it is selfish to have them so I have zero ability to debate your point as I agree with ya. Hahahaha

[RecentChange]

Fostering is HARD so I totally understand Wiggle.

Maybe you should talk to her more and find out why she regrets. If it's "I want someone to take care of me when I am old" - well not much can be done about that (and let me tell you - I recently spent 6 weeks going to a hospice center every day, having children is no guarantee you won't die alone).

But if it's because she enjoys mentoring etc - Big Sisters is a great organization. Or like my examples, where my husband and I do things connected to our hobbies - maybe she can do something like that.

I had almost forgot years ago I taught dog training at 4H. There are so many organizations that need people with time and skills. 

[alphamale]

Just now, RecentChange said:

Fostering is HARD so I totally understand Wiggle.

 

it's Woggle, with an "O"

[RecentChange]

1 minute ago, alphamale said:

it's Woggle, with an "O"

Thanks, tell my spell check that

[Woggle]

4 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Well, if your wife is doing some mentoring at a volunteer service, surely that wouldn't really affect you? You wouldn't need to participate. For fostering or adoption, I could understand your concerns.

This is true and I will support whatever she decides. After more conversations I think it is just her thinking out loud. Today she was talking about our passports updated so we can take a nice vacation next summer. She likes going on trips just as much as I do and being able to just do whatever we want on a day off.

[fishlips]

That's fine if she doesn't want kids, but traveling seems like a strange reason. I have kids, and they've been traveling with us since they were little. Are there more compelling reasons? If so, you could remind her of those.

[Robert]

Let's get this back on topic please, thanks

[Ruby Slippers]

Sone of my reasons for wanting kids are selfish. In all its disgusting glory, I want the experience of being a mother. Birth, breastfeeding, messy art on the fridge, and all.

For me, some if it is selfless. I have gifts. I want to amplify them in a tribe of my own. One of my most unique gifts is unusual generosity of spirit. I didn't get much as a kid, but when I got a little money as a gift, i always used every penny of it to buy gifts for family and friends. I think the world needs more of this spirit. 

While there's no guarantee my offspring would inherit this quality, combined with good parenting, I think they would. 

Woggle, I have married friends who met while teaching scuba diving in Thailand, lifelong globetrotters both of them. They have 3 beautiful kids they take all over the world on their adventures, have been starting around age 2. This is one of the coolest, happiest families you could imagine. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 1/14/2020 at 11:38 AM, DKT3 said:

 

We could have 1000 women come on this thread and say they never wanted children and I wouldn't believe one of them. Rather,  they suppressed their desire for other interests. 

Mansplaining exemplified.  

I vote for believing at least one or two of the thousand women who claim they know what they want out of their lives.

[Mr. Lucky]

14 hours ago, fishlips said:

I have kids, and they've been traveling with us since they were little.

Agreed, a puppy is a bigger barrier to travel than a child.  Woggle, I'd simply be a good listener when she brought up the subject and note whether she does so with increasing frequency...

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

On 1/15/2020 at 9:04 AM, RecentChange said:

So tell – what reasons are there to have a child that do not start with fulfilling your own needs and desires?

I'll just point out those who have kids have had both experiences - childless and childful (new word!)

If you don't have kids, you're missing out on one of life's great pleasures - grandkids!  Love 'em up, spoil 'em up, sugar 'em up - and then send them home...

Mr. Lucky

[RecentChange]

Why do parents (I will say, far from all, many I know completely respect and understand my decision) feel the need to harp on people who don't want to procreate?

GOOD FOR YOU glad you enjoyed parenting and were blessed with children that didn't make your life a living hell.

I watched one of my coworkers go through years of turmoil and heart break with their mentally ill daughter - spent her life savings on the very best treatments and rehabs, her own health greatly deteriorated due to the immenseness stress in her life, years spent in sorrow, before all her efforts - lead to, her daughter OD'ing.

Perhaps she would have done it all over again. Perhaps it was her "greatest joy in life" to go through that, but something tells me that is not the case.

Bottom line - people that do not want children should not have children.

Why is that so hard to understand?

I see so many people that are "parents" that clearly are not fit for the great responsibility that it is.

Does that matter? Or should we simply encourage everyone to procreate because otherwise they wouldn't get that experience? 

[Woggle]

One reason I am leery of having kids is that I come from a long line of abuse, misery and dysfunction and I don't want to continue the cycle. I know I am nothing like my parents and the grandparents on my mother's side but it is a concern. 

I think that both of us are happy being part time aunts and uncles to our friend's kids. It's all the good parts without the tough and she admitted the same thing to me as well. She likes them when they are old enough to be somewhat independent but she is not built for changing diapers, giving baths and all that stuff. I think the reason she and our niece get along so well is because my niece is pretty much a 22 year old version of my wife.  She said this herself and not me. It is better that people admit they are not cut out for parenthood than to have kids and be terrible parents. 

[alphamale]

34 minutes ago, RecentChange said:

I see so many people that are "parents" that clearly are not fit for the great responsibility that it is.

 

and yet our world population is getting larger and larger every year 🤪

[RecentChange]

Just now, alphamale said:

and yet our world population is getting larger and larger every year 🤪

Right? Well many people don't put much thought into it. "whoops I am pregnant"! And there ya go, population keeps barrelling ahead.

There are twice as many people living in America in 2010 than there were in 1950.  TWICE AS MANY. Kinda mind boggling isn't it? So wonder traffic is so bad 😂 The numbers are even more staggering for the world population.

With rising rates of mental illness and drug addiction, for the first time life expectancy is decreasing due to poor health - I don't know that it's all proof that American parents are doing a better job these days. 

But eh' who cares. Let's encourage the unfit or those who do not desire children to keep popping them out - apparently we have some sort of shortage. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm all for reducing traffic. My life is now pretty great, but that one part still sucks

[schlumpy]

11 hours ago, RecentChange said:

But eh' who cares. Let's encourage the unfit or those who do not desire children to keep popping them out - apparently we have some sort of shortage. 

Looks like Thomas Malthus was on your reading list.

[BettyDraper]

On 1/15/2020 at 11:00 AM, Woggle said:

Some women want kids and some don't and it's the same for men. Generalizations are just stupid. Now that we have that out of the way can we not turn this thread into some back and forth gender war?

I know my wife is not being selfish by not having kids. She admits that she loves spoiling them after they turn 8 but she would not be good with a baby. I joked that maybe we could adopt a 12 year old which looking back was sort of insensitive but she laughed. She did ask if her 14 year old nephew could come over for the weekend though so maybe the pull is strong with her. 

It's sad how many men still believe that women cannot make up their own minds. It shows how what respect they have for us. 

Being a parent is not the only way to give of ourselves. There is charity work as well as being a cherished adult in a child's life in a non parental capacity.

My husband and I are a devoted aunt and uncle. Our nephew adores us. If we were so selfish, then we would not spoil him the way we do. 

Whenever I seriously contemplated becoming a mother, the drive to have a child was a visceral yearning which defied all reason. My rational mind always wins out because I start thinking of everything that comes with being a mother and I don't want it anymore. If I truly wanted to have children, none of the downsides would matter to me and I would have a child. I am old to be a first time parent and so is my husband. However,  many couples no longer allow age to deter them from parenthood either. The idea of motherhood is beautiful to me. It's just that the reality is not palatable and seems like a whole lot of stress that I simply cannot be bothered with. I'm glad that I had a chance to speak to a therapist about this issue so that I could make sense of my indecision. My therapist has two children in case anyone was thinking that she was pressuring me to stay childfree. 

It's easy for men to say that they want children. Compared to women, men barely go through anything with respect to being parents. Men do not endure pregnancy, childbirth, or breastfeeding. Men do not do the amount of childcare that women do. The societal burden of raising a well adjusted child does not fall to fathers.  Parenting just isn't the same for men so they can't accurately speak on motherhood. 

Parents who are happy with their decision to reproduce do not get defensive when childfree adults talk about our choice. They are secure in the knowledge that they enjoy raising kids and they know that childfree adults do not affect them. It's only the regretful and insecure parents who feel the need to preach and judge others just because we made a different decision. I don't understand this because I don't look down on parents unless they are abusive or neglectful. 

Humans are built to create life. It's just that we are not slaves to our biological imperatives. 

Woggle, I'm glad that your wife has resolved this conflict. It's natural to wonder "What if?" regardless of the paths we choose in life. 

[Mr. Lucky]

9 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

It's easy for men to say that they want children. Compared to women, men barely go through anything with respect to being parents. Men do not endure pregnancy, childbirth, or breastfeeding. Men do not do the amount of childcare that women do. The societal burden of raising a well adjusted child does not fall to fathers.  Parenting just isn't the same for men so they can't accurately speak on motherhood. 

Seems a pretty narrow view.  Would you say a SAHM "can't accurately speak" on financial matters because she's not earning money?  While the biological aspect of child bearing is obvious, many dads aren't as removed from parenting as you make them out to be ...

Mr. Lucky

[BettyDraper]

5 hours ago, Mr. Lucky said:

Seems a pretty narrow view.  Would you say a SAHM "can't accurately speak" on financial matters because she's not earning money?  While the biological aspect of child bearing is obvious, many dads aren't as removed from parenting as you make them out to be ...

Mr. Lucky

No because most SAHMs were earning money before they were SAHMs. 
 

It’s actually been proven that men still don’t do nearly as much as women do when it comes to parenting. Today’s fathers are more involved in parenting than previous generations. However,  women still do more even when they are working outside the home. 
 

I agree that men can and do take an active role in parenting. They just aren’t affected by parenting duties the way women are. 

[mrs rubble]

One of my friends chose to never have children, she's a huge animal lover who is vegan because of her love for animals. She recently said to me that she felt so alone. She's estranged from her parents, her sister lives on the other side of the world and she has no partner, she voiced regrets over never having children, and wondered what will happen to her in old age (she's 53 now) Her dogs are both old and their health has declined drastically over the last wee while. I know she's going to absolutely fall to pieces when they pass.

That was her choice though, she had 4 abortions over the years. I could never understand her casual attitude towards these terminations, it was like nothing to her to end the life of her own foetus yet she won't eat an egg, because it's cruel? I've never questioned her about any of her decisions though, that's her business.

I kind of wish she had children, because I'll be the one comforting her when the dogs go, and I'll be the one feeding her animals when she goes to Hospital. 

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

I agree that men can and do take an active role in parenting. They just aren’t affected by parenting duties the way women are. 

So - single fathers?

[Woggle]

I fully support women in whatever choice they want to make in life but I am not with the father bashing either.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

So - single fathers?

What Betty I am sure is meaning that when two people parent, the mother is usually left with the lion's share of the responsibility and the work.
I know two fairly new mothers, in their late twenties, their husbands although supposedly of the new enlightened generation are no more hands on with their kids than my father/grandfather was. Before marriage these new fathers were "Oh so domesticated" now they do almost nothing to help in the home or with the kids... both women work part-time too...