My guy and I had a few drinks before dinner last night and he had too much and was being a jerk

[Ruby Slippers]

My guy and I had a few drinks before dinner last night and he had too much and was being a jerk. We had our first real fight and I took my cat, left his place, and came back to my house. It took a full 24 hours for him to soften and say anything remotely sweet. 

I went to the store and in my nice big kitchen made myself sauteed spinach and seared scallops, got salmon to grill tomorrow. I liked the shorter commute from his place to work, but my kitchen is way better. Bathtub, too. I'll try out the toll roads this week to make the commute less harsh. 

Edited January 12, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[K.K.]

What about the make up sex though, right? Almost worth the arguing.  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

2 hours ago, K.K. said:

So I finally got it on with Jamal today! 😮 I had a little problem with my oven

 

 

It didn't seem real, as soon as you passed up the reference to your oven, without so much as a pause.

[Ruby Slippers]

6 hours ago, K.K. said:

What about the make up sex though, right? Almost worth the arguing.  

Potentially, if he makes it to that point. Though his behavior that night and since has really turned me off. Ultimately it could go either way.

[greymatter]

4 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Potentially, if he makes it to that point. Though his behavior that night and since has really turned me off. Ultimately it could go either way.

Sorry to hear that. Sounds very upsetting.

[Artdeco]

2 minutes ago, greymatter said:

Sorry to hear that. Sounds very upsetting.

Indeed. I wonder what he did. He sounded so promising. 

[The Outlaw]

5 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Potentially, if he makes it to that point. Though his behavior that night and since has really turned me off. Ultimately it could go either way.

Sorry to hear that, Ruby. Hopefully, things will pan out. 

[alphamale]

^what outlaw said

[preraph]

So do you think, Ruby, he's one of those guys who shouldn't be drinking or have you drank together before?  Some people get really ugly on alcohol.  And they're always the ones who don't want to stop drinking....

[Ruby Slippers]

Thanks, y'all. I think the deal here is that, having been raised in the Middle East until his 20s, he's fairly emotionally unevolved. He's yet to say, "I was wrong. I'm sorry." The most he did when I explained what really drove me away was text: "Sorry about that." 🙄 In my world, this does not constitute a real apology, not even close. While this all would have blown over if he'd simply been kind and sincerely apologized and discussed the matter, maybe it's part of his programming that the man isn't supposed to admit he's wrong or he thinks he'll lose face.

He showed up at my house early the morning after I left, hugged me and said "I love you," tried to kiss me, said, "Let's go to bed." I said I had no desire to sleep next him at that point, so he could sleep on the couch. We both slept for a few more hours, then we I got up, he initiated a talk, which was essentially an argument. Then he left, texted a lot of argumentative BS attacking me for piddly things he thinks I did wrong, like not sufficiently cleaning up the area where the Christmas tree was after I left his house out of town last month.

Yes, he texted that he hardly drank before we met, and I think it's pretty clear he doesn't know his limits. We don't drink that often, but a few now and then, almost always initiated by him. And yes, preraph, he's the one who kept wanting to drink more. He had the nerve to text me: "You got me drunk." WTbleepingF! I put him right back in his place on that nonsense. 

I just got home from picking up my stuff from his apartment and bringing it all back home. He made a few lame attempts to talk while I was there. I left my little shot glass that I had bought in the mountain town, and he said, "This is your shot glass. Take it with you. You paid for it." I said, "I don't want it. You can keep it or do whatever you want with it." He said, "Oh, so, it was that bad?" He texted after I got home asking me to confirm I took my passport, another BS reason to "connect". Then he sent a photo of our names around a heart in the snow from last month on vacation. I guess I'm supposed to infer everything from that and let it all blow over, even though he acted like a complete a**h*** the other night?

The most gracious part of me thinks I could always tell he had great qualities but wasn't the most emotionally evolved guy on the planet, so maybe I should deal with that. The hurt, mad part of me wants to continue relishing the f*** Off feelings I have toward him.

[preraph]

Sorry.  At least you had a good time for awhile.  He just wasn't someone you could go the distance with.  Frustrating that he thinks so little will solve it.  I guess that is partly cultural and partly he's a guy.  

[Ruby Slippers]

Thanks. I'm actually fine. I had this huge upwelling of strength and self-determination to do the right thing when he insulted me and I left. Mostly I'm disappointed that I obviously overestimated him. Lugging all my crap out of his apartment, I was like, "What in the hell was I thinking bringing all this crap here?!" Lesson learned for sure.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Wow, sorry Ruby.  You are to be commended for being a strong woman.  You seemed really head over heels for him so it's good to see you are not blinded by that and are using your head.

 

To keep this on thread topic, I'm snacking on some pretzels. 

[Ruby Slippers]

Thank you!

I'm grilling some salmon right now, smells delicious.

[alphamale]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

So do you think, Ruby, he's one of those guys who shouldn't be drinking or have you drank together before?  Some people get really ugly on alcohol.  And they're always the ones who don't want to stop drinking....

yes preraph, they are called alcoholics

[Artdeco]

3 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Thank you!

I'm grilling some salmon right now, smells delicious.

I love salmon! Enjoy!

So what was the original argument about, though? Just about the drinking? I can’t believe this has happened. Ugh.

 

Edited January 12, 2020 by Artdeco

[alphamale]

7 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Thanks. I'm actually fine. I had this huge upwelling of strength and self-determination to do the right thing when he insulted me and I left. Mostly I'm disappointed that I obviously overestimated him. Lugging all my crap out of his apartment, I was like, "What in the hell was I thinking bringing all this crap here?!" Lesson learned for sure.

I never leave my shyt over at any girls house

[Ruby Slippers]

Just now, Artdeco said:

I love salmon! Enjoy!

So what was the original argument about, though? Just about the drinking? I can’t believe this has happened. Ugh.

There was a long wait at the restaurant, so we went to get a table on the patio and wait. As we stepped onto the patio, this woman in a couple very enthusiastically invited us to join them at their table. He said, "Thanks, but we don't want to disturb you," and we found our own table. She goes, "Oh, I didn't know other tables were open!"... though there were like a dozen tables clearly wide open in her line of sight.

He made some joking comment about them, and I said something like, "Do you think they were swingers?" We both totally got that vibe from them, immediately. I mean, this woman practically leapt out of her chair and pounced on him. Her guy, no offense, seemed very beta male, I guess you would say, going along with whatever the woman wanted. 

In short, he started making jokes about how the woman was checking him out, maybe he should walk by and check her out, all this crap. I said, "Go ahead, have fun, and don't come back."

The entire evening was a riff on this theme. He's always enjoyed joking in all kinds of ways and teasing, and normally I don't mind it because I tease him right back. I know this is a quality of dominant men, which is generally my preference. My two older brothers were handsome, buff guys who constantly teased me in a very similar way. But this was next level, insulting and disrespectful. Toward the end, I was tempted to walk out on him. I waited till he drove us home to grab my stuff and go.

[Ruby Slippers]

Also, he did say one nice thing - that he's never gotten so much attention from other women as he does with me as his date. Obviously it's going to his head. Let's see if that continues now that I'm gone. a**h*** 🙄

Edited January 12, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[The Outlaw]

I'm sorry that it didn't work out. As much as it hurts, it's just best overall that you know now. Amazing that a drink of all things can show you the true face of a person. 

Edited January 12, 2020 by The Outlaw

[elaine567]

In vino veritas.
Many will forgive drunken behaviour as it was "the drink talking", but many would be better to listen.
Alcohol let's many say what they are really thinking, or do what they really want to do...
So whilst for our ego we fool ourselves into thinking "He/she didn't really mean that, surely not?...". 
They often do mean exactly that...
Of course in the cold light of day they deny it all...

[Piddy]

So sorry for you Ruby.  That's why they call it the Velcro stage.  Once that stage ends you start to see the real person and it starts to get 'real'.  You seem like a very strong woman.  You'll be OK.  

[Artdeco]

Sorry. While I think the actual argument and the events surrounding it weren’t all that bad (Or at least they don’t sound as bad), the lack of a decent apology and an honest explanation IS a dealbreaker. 

[preraph]

I have to say that drinking is certainly no excuse for it and no one should say, Well, it's because he drank too much, because for him to say those things, they are in his head and he's just been filtering them out, but they're there.  I knew plenty of drunks who never got drunk and said a harsh hurtful word to anybody, because they were nice people.  

[Ruby Slippers]

Thanks, everybody! Y'all are awesome.

elaine, yes, exactly. Even while he was clowning on our date and trying to soften his stupid comments with the alcohol excuse, I said, "Alcohol is a truth serum."

The next day, he tried to use the same excuse. I said yeah, people use that excuse when they cheat on their partner, too - "but I was drunk!" And it's no excuse.

Now that his true nature has come out, I realize there were hints before. I kick myself that I wasn't more discriminating and self-protective. On the other hand, he had more of what I've been looking for my whole life than anybody I've met in I don't know how long. So you try to let the little things slide.

There's a part of my mind that's trying to understand him. I was listening to a breakup song playlist on the way home, and Journey's "Separate Ways" line "True love won't desert you" is still ringing in my head. That is essentially his argument so far - if you really loved me like you said, you'd try to understand my point of view and forgive me.

The problem is I've never done anything anywhere near as disrespectful and insulting as this. So it's very easy for him to play that card, and maybe it's not valid. I don't know.