My guy and I had a few drinks before dinner last night and he had too much and was being a jerk

[Ruby Slippers]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Some men seem to think that showing her he could have anyone he wants and making her jealous over other "hotter" women and making her feel "less than" is somehow a turn on and shows her how much of a man he is...
It may work with the desperate, but for any woman with a degree of self esteem it is a complete turn OFF and often a dealbreaker.

Yes. The thing is, I could intuit from the beginning that while he's highly accomplished, attractive, and all that jazz, he has some unresolved insecurities. At first it didn't concern me too much, because I've made tremendous progress in recent years in resolving my own confidence issues and thought maybe I could be a good influence.

As I've been analyzing the situation and the trail of events leading up to this, I realize that he has pretty serious ego issues. He says he's never cheated on anyone, and I don't get the impression he would. Here are a few things I wrote in my analysis, for my own reflection: 

Your fixation on attention from other women reveals unresolved insecurities. Until you resolve this by finding your own confidence from within, the need for validation will never go away and will continuously threaten any romantic relationship.

Your fixation on past dates, ex-girlfriends, and your ex-wife, and your fixation on making your ex-wife jealous, reveals unresolved emotions. If you were over it and had healed, you’d let it go. Before you can love any woman, you need to resolve those emotions and let them go.

I know that men tend to struggle more with ego issues, especially high-profile men who have accomplished a lot and want to protect it. So maybe it's just part of the deal. All the highly accomplished men I know have ego issues of one variety of another. "Nobody's perfect," as a friend told me. But I can only put up with so much s***.

[Artdeco]

Ruby, I don’t know why, but this was actually funny to read. It’s probably due to your good writing style – I had to laugh out loud a few times. I could actually totally visualize the situation. I’ve been in similar situations myself, on a few rare occasions. Honestly what this does to you (not you-you, but the general “you”) is that you actually lose respect for the guy. The same applies to men who brag, or get very angry (like punching walls or yelling angry, etc.). You just can’t respect that! I think for me it’s a question of self-control. I’m drawn to men with self control who have their s*** together. Acting stupid bc he can’t hold his liquor ——-> turnoff ...... And trying to make you jealous with other women and old pictures of ex-wives? 😆😆 .... I find this funny actually ...... how sad for him 

[Ruby Slippers]

lol thanks. It IS funny.

Once I put aside my indignation, it just seems pathetic and I kinda feel sorry for him. From the outside, he seems so together and in charge. Normally he is the very picture of rigid, cool, collected self-control. This guy runs the entire North American team of analysts for a huge multinational energy company with $80 billion in assets, fixes all the mistakes of their deal-making with laser precision, is the one guy to yay or nay million-dollar+ stock futures trading deals, has built up his own little empire from basically nothing.

Yet with a woman, he acts like THIS, like a complete and total amateur?! Just boggles the mind. 

Edited January 16, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Artdeco]

Does he usually drink, or not? Maybe he’s just not used to it. 

[Happy Lemming]

Ruby... I don't know why, but I just hope the two of you can fix this and get back together. From your writings/posts you two seem good together, I would hate to see you throw away a really great guy (for the most part). 

Men make mistakes... period.  Sometimes we do stupid things and say stupid things.  I'm the king of saying the wrong thing, I've tried to learn sometimes it is better to just keep my mouth shut and say nothing. 

 

[Piddy]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

This guy runs the entire North American team of analysts for a huge multinational energy company with $80 billion in assets, fixes all the mistakes of their deal-making with laser precision, is the one guy to yay or nay million-dollar+ stock futures trading deals, has built up his own little empire from basically nothing.

Yet with a woman, he acts like THIS, like a complete and total amateur?! Just boggles the mind. 

Unfortunately intelligence isn't universal in all aspects of life and can be finely nuanced even in the same subject matter. Worked with many very intelligent engineers who could do high level electronic engineering, yet I had to explain how a 401k worked. 

Knew nothing about how to invest their finances.  Some of these guys may have two different color socks on also.

My uncle was an engineer and a high level executive at AT&T.   He even picked where to live based on having his back to the sun when driving to work and the sun at his back driving home. Who the hell does that?

But he married an uneducated woman with a 6th grade education and later divorced her and married his secretary only to go back to his wife.  You can be very intelligent in academics and have no common sense.

So it sounds like your boyfriend had a PHD type brain in finance, but was a struggling high school student when it came to relationships with women.

Edited January 17, 2020 by Piddy

[Ruby Slippers]

2 hours ago, Artdeco said:

Does he usually drink, or not? Maybe he’s just not used to it. 

He said he doesn't, but I seriously doubt that. On our first date, we had brunch, then movies, then 2 margaritas each, and this was his idea. He got a little too touchy after that and blamed it on the alcohol and my "weak defenses." The second part is fair. I was definitely too soft on him all along. Lesson learned. After that first date, I nexted him and blocked him. He came back around 2 weeks later, very apologetic, asked for another chance. Then he was a perfect gentleman on subsequent dates, avoided alcohol, told me later he was scared the whole time he'd mess up again. 

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Ruby... I don't know why, but I just hope the two of you can fix this and get back together. From your writings/posts you two seem good together, I would hate to see you throw away a really great guy (for the most part). 

Men make mistakes... period.  Sometimes we do stupid things and say stupid things.  I'm the king of saying the wrong thing, I've tried to learn sometimes it is better to just keep my mouth shut and say nothing. 

Thanks. I felt the same way this morning and most of the day. Then he texted this evening to say he was stuck in a client meeting and couldn't get out, could we push it by 15 minutes. I said no, I'm not waiting around, let's do the handoff during the day tomorrow. He said he was so looking forward to seeing me blah blah, asked me to have lunch at 12 tomorrow. I said coffee is fine. Then he offered to drive out to my area this evening and meet at a coffee shop. I said no, I'm done for the day. He ended with more pet names and hearts as if all is well. I'm not impressed, now planning to just meet him at the location, get my stuff, and leave.

59 minutes ago, Piddy said:

Some of these guys may have two different color socks on also.

My uncle was an engineer and a high level executive at AT&T.   He even picked where to live based on having his back to the sun when driving to work and the sun at his back driving home. Who the hell does that?

So it sounds like your boyfriend had a PHD type brain in finance, but was a struggling high school student when it came to relationships with women.

Yes, he told me he's done the different colored socks thing before. I used to call him my absent-minded mathematician. He has 3 different phones, one for personal, one for U.S. work, one for international work. Almost every single time we leave to go somewhere, he forgets one of them. I learned to always ask and remind him if he has like 5 essential things before we leave. 

He has a PhD in math, studied physics and engineering as well, crazy smart in those ways which I loved, but clueless in some other ways. He expressed a million times how glad he was to have me there to help him with the stuff he's not good at, like simply organizing and running a household. His place was purely dry and functional till I got there. Very bare bones, with pages of calculations lying here and there. I admit I found that very hot. He thanked me a million times for all the "wifey" things I do for him. And he did all the man stuff. He bought some basic furniture once I got there. His quirks were mostly endearing till he acted like a big jerk. I don't think he's a malicious guy, just clueless in some ways. 

Thing is, I'm a nerd, too. I've totally considered the angle of the sun for my commute as well. But the west side of town is almost always the prime real estate, since global winds blow exhaust fumes eastward - this is why ghettos are usually on the east side. Sad but true. I even researched this with him at my side driving the car, when one day we wondered why the nice neighborhoods are usually on the west side of any town. I bought a house on the west side. His house out of town is also on the west side. Anyway... he always said I'm a nerd, too, but I have better soft/people skills, which is true.

Part of me wants to try to forgive because his quirks are just part of his nature. But part of me feels like it's setting myself up for too much struggle and the dynamic isn't working. 

I have a feeling some time apart will help clarify matters and feelings, in any case.

I made a list of my grievances and things that would have to change for me to consider him again. 

This whole experience is really testing me, and I'm pleased with how strong I'm being in the difficult circumstances. 

Edited January 17, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Art_Critic]

Ruby,

If he is a man worth his salt then the play he will make for you MUST be exceptional and nothing else must do.

The prize is essentially you and from what I gather you ARE an exceptional woman and one who deserves their equal, so don't settle for anything you don't feel comfortable with and don't take anything that is half assed.

 

 

[Artdeco]

6 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I have a feeling some time apart will help clarify matters and feelings, in any case.

I made a list of my grievances and things that would have to change for me to consider him again. 

This whole experience is really testing me, and I'm pleased with how strong I'm being in the difficult circumstances. 

I’m sure some time apart will help both of you. And just a word of caution: the reason you’re feeling strong might be because he’s still trying. As soon as he stops reaching out and making an effort you’ll feel the pain (should it get that far). That’s how breakups are. They hurt, no matter what. 

[Ruby Slippers]

Thank you!

I'm already VERY let down by how he's handled all this. Before this, in my mind, I'd already tried on the idea of forever with him. After last week, I've tried on the idea of never seeing him again. Ive now played out both scenarios in great detail, have a general plan for a great life either way. I already had a good, big cry about it, just cried like a baby - so important for acceptance and healing. 

Honestly, I want to just run away. It's so easy for me to do that. I'm damn good at it by now. But the grownup part of me questions whether it's the right answer. 

[Happy Lemming]

27 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Honestly, I want to just run away.

Based on your last couple of posts, maybe saying "good-bye" would be the best choice.

Everyone is going to make mistakes in a relationships, everyone is going to put "foot in mouth" from time to time and everyone is going to have shortcomings.  Some are minor and some are egregious. It appears you find his offense "egregious" in nature and you can't get past it.  No matter what he says or does, he'll never be able fix this (in your eyes), you'll never forgive him and you'll never move past this infraction, so best to stop wasting any more time on this endeavor. 

Ask him to ship your stuff to you, tell him to drop it in a Fed-Ex box and you'll have it the next day. 

[FMW]

Put your time and energy on yourself.  It's natural to analyze why he did what he did, but the most important thing is to analyze and understand why you looked past several other red flags that you mentioned in your post-analysis and saw him as such a great match.  It looks like you ARE doing that, so that's good.  It seems to me that the juvenile offensive things he said that night were the final straw, you just hadn't allowed yourself to consciously process the earlier flags.  You didn't go from full blast to a screeching halt just because of that one night is my guess, it had been building.  

It's wonderful to have stars in your eyes for each other, but keep yourself grounded and don't plan on the happily ever after until you get past the initial starstruck stage. 

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

 After that first date, I nexted him and blocked him. He came back around 2 weeks later, very apologetic, asked for another chance. Then he was a perfect gentleman on subsequent dates, avoided alcohol, told me later he was scared the whole time he'd mess up again.

Clearly he's NOT the perfect gentleman. I think you're probably right about his unresolved insecurities. Who talks about some other woman's breasts on a date? I suspect I'd pass out before I was drunk enough to do that.

How did this meeting go?

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

I think you're probably right about his unresolved insecurities. Who talks about some other woman's breasts on a date? I suspect I'd pass out before I was drunk enough to do that.

How did this meeting go?

He doesn't just talk about other women's parts - he's also seemed overly concerned about the parts/qualities of other men in my past and how they measure up to his, like he needs me to tell him he's the best in all ways. So his insecurities are equal opportunity at least. Ego, ego, ego.

@Happy Lemming, I thought about asking him to just mail me my phone, but it's a $1,000 device, so even though I'd rather not see him, I don't want to risk anything going wrong with the mail - as it does often enough not to take the risk.

We're meeting in an hour at a coffee shop. My plan is to meet him at the door, get my stuff and go, unless he gives me a very good reason to sit down for a cup of coffee with him. He'd have to make an earth-shaking effort to bounce back from this, and I don't think he has it in him. So my expectations are low.

I'm finding the humor in it all, revisited this cute video that a boyfriend from years ago showed me, had a good laugh: Relations***

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

We're meeting in an hour at a coffee shop. My plan is to meet him at the door, get my stuff and go...

Best of Luck.

 

[FMW]

Cute video 😛

[Ruby Slippers]

14 hours ago, Finding my way said:

the most important thing is to analyze and understand why you looked past several other red flags that you mentioned in your post-analysis and saw him as such a great match.  It looks like you ARE doing that, so that's good.  It seems to me that the juvenile offensive things he said that night were the final straw, you just hadn't allowed yourself to consciously process the earlier flags.  You didn't go from full blast to a screeching halt just because of that one night is my guess, it had been building.

Yes, very insightful, and spot on!

I take forever to decide on a new love interest, and once I do, I just dive right in. I think my twisted logic behind it is that I have great judgment and can survive anything, so why hold back? Well, obviously, my judgment of character isn't as great as I thought it was. I can survive almost anything, but now I'm learning that it's wiser to use my energy for productive ventures, rather than get bogged down in struggle.

This is woo woo stuff, but my personality type is "soul of a teenager." In many ways this is a good thing - I have this forever young vibe about me, tons of energy and optimism, just like a teenager. Every man I get involved with tells me I reawaken all his teenage dreams and idealistic visions, inspire him like he never has been inspired. But the soul needs to evolve. My soul is maturing, learning to be more grownup in my approach toward romance.

Edited January 17, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Miss Spider]

Good luck, ruby. I hope you guys can work it out 

[Ruby Slippers]

It's over. He gave me flowers. I sat outside, far away from him. His apology was brief and lame. He said it wasn't his intention to compare me to other women, is "sorry I thought that." I screwed up my face, said thanks, cast my eyes down. I was getting ready to go. He tried to restate it. I set him straight that I didn't THINK he did it. He did it. He corrected his apology. I said thanks, asked if he has my stuff.

He weakly goes, "Is there any chance we can get back together?"

"Based on what I've seen so far, I don't think so."

He went to get my stuff, then came back and with that great big sad ego tried to crap on me again: "Two great months and it's over after 1 hour of bad behavior."

I said, "No. A pattern of behavior from the first date," walked away, and left those s***tyass breakup flowers on a sidewalk.

I also blocked his numbers. 

His ego is stronger than his love. Until he masters his own ego, he'll remain in chains, unable to truly love or be loved.

It's sad, but I feel strong and good about how I handled myself. There was a monsoon of emotions inside me but I was calm and composed as a ninja. 

Edited January 17, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Interstellar]

On 1/13/2020 at 11:38 AM, Ruby Slippers said:

 

I talked to my wise older mom-like friend at work, and she said the only reason most women put up with this crap - and so many women do - is for the material/financial benefits, often because kids are involved. In fact, it's exactly what my mom has done her whole marriage to my dad. But I'm free of all that. I can support myself and am a free agent.

Walt Whitman said: "Dismiss whatever insults your soul" and that has been ringing in my mind.

No amount of surface or material benefits can ever compensate for insults against my soul. It's a devil's bargain that I could never accept.

You know I’ve always wondered about the kind of women who put up with this. Clearly, this type of guy’s behavior would show up while they were dating, and the woman could’ve walked away  but is it because some women misinterpret this dominance as a male strength quality? do they think that he’ll change? brainwashed? or maybe they’re intelligent women but dumb when it comes to relationships,  and women are nesters so there’s that to consider.

I’m very, very  sorry this happened to you. It’s extremely disappointing to say the least.

Edited January 17, 2020 by Interstellar

[Miss Spider]

Ruby Ive always respect you for how you much respect yourself and this is no exception. Glad you didn’t take his sht. Perhaps he will think on this and realized how he messed up 

[Ruby Slippers]

16 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

You know I’ve always wondered about the kind of women who put up with this. Clearly, this type of guy’s behavior would show up while they were dating, and the woman could’ve walked away  but is it because some women misinterpret this dominance as a male strength quality? do they think that he’ll change? brainwashed? or maybe they’re intelligent women but dumb when it comes to relationships,  and women are nesters so there’s that to consider.

I’m very, very  sorry this happened to you. It’s extremely disappointing to say the least.

I think the core issue is that most women (most PEOPLE) think they're not good enough for one reason or another, this is the best they can do, there are no better options, "nobody's perfect."

It's simple biology that women are attracted to materially successful men. And the sad fact is that those men don't get to the top by being "nice". There's a strong correlation between level on the career hierarchy and psychopathic / sadistic traits. Psychopaths and abusers are disproportionately at the very top of the dominance hierarchy. These people are also experts at masking negative qualities upfront. 

The simple answer is that many women endure it for the cash and prizes at the end.

Why did I put up with his s*** as long as I did? Well, he wasn't all bad. He had many sterling qualities. These little mean fits only flared up from time to time. At some other times he was downright servile, waiting on me hand and foot. We can both move easily between serving and being served. For a while this was an interesting and exciting dynamic. But gradually, slowly but surely, he was getting meaner and less thoughtful, I suppose because the way I was treating him so well was going to his head. I don't know if he's ever had that.

[Ruby Slippers]

10 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Ruby Ive always respect you for how you much respect yourself and this is no exception. Glad you didn’t take his sht. Perhaps he will think on this and realized how he messed up 

Thank you! Though I blocked his numbers, he could still reach me via email, and I have a feeling that eventually he might.

I know a lot of people think a woman should just walk away from a guy like this and cut him off for good. But if he does eventually come back around looking for a better sense of closure, from a distant, friendly position I will communicate to him the issues that I spotted.

I think it's a strength of mine that in spite of how things turned out, I still care about him as a person, I genuinely loved him and in some non-romantic universal way still do, and I hope he finds love and happiness eventually. If he can learn to overcome that big ego, he could be a wonderful man for some woman. If my feedback can help him accomplish that, great. I'm a big ole hippie at heart, really just want everybody to be happy and in love - whomever it's with.

[Piddy]

40 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

IWhy did I put up with his s*** as long as I did?

Well Rubes the sex was good,  but that's not enough for a quality relationship to last as you've found out.  You sound like a good catch.  You'll find someone who is successful,  good in bed and a great gentlemen.  We do exist.  😉

[mark clemson]

Yeah some serious issues there comparing sizes of everything and all - who really cares?

Some people try to take dominance out of the bedroom - often (not always) a huge mistake. And some simply have a manipulative/***hole side to them. Clearly this guy turned out to be not as advertised.

The song you linked was cute at least. What was that Indian girl even doing in there? Anyhow, it occurred to me it could be a good alternative name for LS. 😄