My guy and I had a few drinks before dinner last night and he had too much and was being a jerk

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't think he's below my league at all. My dad suggested that I'm better looking than him, said he thinks he's intimidated. But I don't see it that way. I think he's gorgeous and have told him that plainly. My dad is 83 years old, was very good-looking in his day, and is very egoic, wrapped up in image far more than I've ever been.  

My ex admitted himself at the end of his drunken night that now that he has (had) a good woman, he was constantly scared of losing me. 

He said some odd things at the end, like he worried I was getting bored with him. The only thing I was getting tired of was the little demeaning digs. I enjoyed our routines and thrived within them. 

I took my dad's advice to put him on ice, told him let's consider talking once he's back from his trip in 3 weeks. 

Here's what I said when he asked me to get together today:

"I'm sad about what happened. You weren't perfect before, but I never expected you to treat me so badly. Everyone I've talked to about it says you're not likely to change, and that sounds right. But I simply cannot accept this treatment, so I don't see how it could work. 

I suggest we both think it over and consider talking again once you're back from your trip."

You know what his answer was? 

"With all due respect every one you have talked to has no idea what they are talking about. They just say things that, in their mind, you want to hear."

So EVERYBODY, all my friends, family, and all of you, with all our decades of experience in life and love, are wrong? But he's right? 

Yeah, ok, dude. Everyone in the world except you is wrong. 

Edited January 20, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[LivingWaterPlease]

9 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

 

"With all due respect every one you have talked to has no idea what they are talking about. They just say things that, in their mind, you want to hear."

So EVERYBODY, all my friends, family, and all of you, with all our decades of experience in life and love, are wrong? But he's right? 

Yeah, ok, dude. Everyone in the world except you is wrong. 

He's telling the truth as he knows it. He's very motivated to change and has accomplished a lot in his life so believes if he tries very hard he can be who you want him to be. And he may be able to, on the surface, make great strides. But, unless his heart changes he'll always be who he is now.

You haven't mentioned his spirituality. Is that part of the equation? Do the two of you share similar spiritual beliefs?

You have some big decisions to think about, RS! If you're a spiritual woman I encourage you to really pray about it. God will show you the pathway forward. 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

4 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

He's telling the truth as he knows it. He's very motivated to change and has accomplished a lot in his life so believes if he tries very hard he can be who you want him to be. And he may be able to, on the surface, make great strides. But, unless his heart changes he'll always be who he is now.

I'm not so sure about this. Yes, he clearly wants me back, but I haven't seen a whole lot from him about changing for the better. In response to my post-game analysis, he summarized all his mistakes to "lack of attention," which is vague, and things he "can avoid or at least minimize in the future."

Some people here seem to be saying he'll have to change if this is going to work. Others suggest I can't expect him to change. So... I don't know.

Quote

You haven't mentioned his spirituality. Is that part of the equation? Do the two of you share similar spiritual beliefs?

You have some big decisions to think about, RS! If you're a spiritual woman I encourage you to really pray about it. God will show you the pathway forward. 

Great insight and suggestion. He emphasized our high compatibility in the areas of "intellect, 
work ethic, finance, fun, and physical attraction." I replied and brought up the additional area of spirituality. Neither of us is religious. He's seen first-hand the atrocities of the Iranian revolution, which he described as "a revolution to impose God's rules on the earth." I believe that religion is man's attempt to organize the understanding of spirituality and build practices around it, and any organized system tends to become corrupted with human power struggles, the main problem with organized religion.

If I believe in any religion, it's one that emerges from within, incorporating some of the rites and rituals of other religions. Count your blessings to elevate your thinking to a state of appreciation and positive focus, be generous and gracious because that energy spreads, practice the golden rule, focus on / pray for what you want to come to be, and so on.

My spirituality is very open, you could say new age. I don't expect my man to be just like me, but it is important that he have a strong ethical code, as I strive to have - positive, loving, considerate, gracious, generous, thankful, honorable, honest, upstanding. If I'm perfectly honest, he's not all that. But does he have it in him? Like attracts like. He's drawn to me with all my high ideals for a reason. At times I've wondered of him: what is your ethical code? What's your purpose in life? 

For example, I asked him around Christmas if he does any charitable giving. Though he makes very good money, he told me sometimes at Christmas he gives $50 through work. So... not so big on generosity. I know he has kids he's concerned about, real estate to manage, and wants to retire early. I also know that MANY people who are very financially comfortable are unevolved about generosity. But that concerns me.

[elaine567]

16 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Some people here seem to be saying he'll have to change if this is going to work. Others suggest I can't expect him to change. So... I don't know.

I think most feel he needs to change if it is going to work, as what woman wants to put up with that level of disrespect  or have to walk on eggshells every time he reaches for a bottle.
Not good for the soul.

Whether he is indeed capable of real change is a different matter.
He is not 18, impressionable and perhaps malleable.
He is a grown man with grown up children, a daughter too no less.
His "character" is no doubt set in stone.
If he doesn't realise by now that treating women in that way is wrong and never acceptable then when will he?

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, I'm kinda feeling that way, too. That's what I don't understand. How can any man with a daughter treat a woman like this? But that doesn't stop millions of other men from behaving like a**h***s with women at times, including my own dad. People seem to have a remarkable ability to compartmentalize and a remarkable inability to see their own flaws. 

My dad said this morning that he always lets mom have her own way. This is absolutely laughable. Though he's softened a lot, he's still be a totally domineering bully to my mom. She and I gently called him on his nonsense, which is all he can handle. 

My ex emailed yesterday trying to say he thinks we have different senses of humor, and that's why I didn't find his antics funny.

Yeah, ok. No woman on earth with a shred of dignity will ever find that kind of behavior funny.

But the ego is a big, mean dragon protecting its cave of hoarded treasure. It won't go down easily.

[mark clemson]

On 1/19/2020 at 6:54 AM, Ruby Slippers said:

... he just wouldn't let up and it became a losing battle. It was also part of a pattern over time that was getting worse. Right after the swinger chick made her move at him, he ordered me to go to the car and get something we had forgotten. He was already being a dick, so I just looked at him like a bug and said, "You go get it." Then he started joking that if he went to get it, swinger chick would be looking at him and maybe he'd be looking at her, too. So, this is a veiled threat - do what I say, or some other chick will. Eventually, he convinced me to go the car together. We knew we had a long wait still, so we got in the car. Then he goes, "Why don't you give me a blow job?" LOL! I scoffed, loudly, and said, "Why don't you eat my pussy?" Then we had a stupid little debate about it. "There's no room in the car." "Back seat works fine." And so on.

So, maybe this was his convoluted attempt to be "dominant." But he utterly failed to arouse a shred of desire within me to follow his stupid, drunken commands. I think a big part of the appeal of the dominant man is his ability to gauge and read his woman's feelings and moods, applying a soft or strong hand when appropriate. It's a display of competence and emotional intelligence. Up to this point, for the most part (though with some exceptions) he had been pretty good and getting better at reading me and expressing sexy/arousing dominant behavior in the right context at the right time. Even his more bold and brazen moves were well-timed and well-received, for the most part. But this was just clunky, amateur, drunk, and stupid. It completely turned me off, downright disgusted me. And this BS went on the whole evening.

The funny thing is that this whole breakdown has made me totally reconsider a few things. First of all, the appeal of the dominant man. I feel like I'm kinda over it. Most of them are just stupid a**h***s is how I feel right now, overgrown egos who've never been properly schooled by a strong, smart woman. I'm sure there are a few mythical unicorns who could live up to the female fantasy version, or close, but very few.

I do think he's not the "expert" Dominant you felt he was. It sounds like part of this was him trying to bring the D/s out of the bedroom, but notice there was no discussion first. Not even hinting discussion that you could respond to. Or going slow. He seems to think your submissive side is into public dominance/humiliation and that's clearly not you. And he just dove into it. I wouldn't call myself an expert, but I believe there's a big difference between erotic humiliation and simple extreme disrespect and venting one's insecurities.

I think it's telling that the drunk him who thought you were so into him felt that he could get away with this and you would tolerate it.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree. Though I was more lenient than I should have been, nothing I did suggested I'd stand for this kind of treatment. 

My mind isn't 100% made up, but at this moment I'm feeling like he blew it and I'll never be able to look at him the same way again.

Right now I feel like I'd always have to meet him somewhere for a date so I'd have my getaway car in case his nasty side came out again and I needed to escape. There's nothing romantic or sexy about that. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I'm not so sure about this. Yes, he clearly wants me back, but I haven't seen a whole lot from him about changing for the better... Neither of us is religious. He's seen first-hand the atrocities of the Iranian revolution, which he described as "a revolution to impose God's rules on the earth." I believe that religion is man's attempt to organize the understanding of spirituality and build practices around it, and any organized system tends to become corrupted with human power struggles, the main problem with organized religion.

If I believe in any religion, it's one that emerges from within..

I agree that he can't change on his own. My point was that he believes he can is why he feels truthful in trying to convince you, but as you say, you haven't seen the rubber meet the road (actions) yet.

I'm in the camp of believing your relationship isn't going to work well unless there are some changes.

And actually, I'm with both you and your guy (or ex) on your beliefs about religion. With him in that it seems to me much of organized religion evolves into an attempt to control others, if not individually, then collectively even if it doesn't start out that way. That's just one reason I believe strongly in separation of church and state.

With you, in that I believe in individual spirituality rather than on a congregation of people sitting in church and accepting the preaching of a minister or priest, then applying their teachings to my life.

Reading the Bible daily myself, talking with the God of the Bible, and surrendering my life to the great guidance He offers in scripture has given me confidence, strength and clear leading in all things in life. I do also believe, though, that folks who seek to know God through the Bible on an individual level will enjoy great encouragement and fellowship in meeting together for worship. And that the greatest intimacy a couple can experience is the sharing together of each person's journey with God.

 

 

 

 

 

[mark clemson]

I know everyone here wants a happy conclusion for you RS (in one way or another).  I'm in the group that seems to be thinking you shouldn't take him back.

To get you back, his "mean" side will go underground. But the thing about people with these mean sides is that it doesn't tend to go away. What happens is that once they feel safe, it tends to come out again.

You're 40, you mentioned kids. I could see this guy, after the relationship is more settled and you're more fully committed, turning on you again like this. Even after kids. In a way it's unconscious for folks like this. I could see him, with you saddled at home with a one year old, being nasty and then heading out to bars or what have you to get his validation from other women when you don't put up with it. When you won't tolerate his verbal lashing out you're, in his mind, "being an unreasonable b*tch" or similar, giving him an excuse to do this sort of thing.

Also, sometimes men from muslim countries, IF push really comes to shove, have a card up their sleeve. They can sometimes take the kids to a country where the laws are VERY different. They get a divorce with basically whatever they want, in particular fully custody of the kids. I personally knew a woman who completely lost access to her kids this way. I don't know if this guy's ties to Iran or their laws would allow that in your case, but something to be aware of.

10 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

He probably needs counseling ... but he's unlikely ever to do that.

I did find it encouraging that you openly talked about his insecurities. If you were to take him back, I'd insist on counseling. I know folks said don't make him jump through hoops and I think they have a point, but I think this particular man NEEDS some counseling to get past whatever's driving this verbal lashing out to be a safe partner.

Edited January 21, 2020 by mark clemson

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

My dad said this morning that he always lets mom have her own way. This is absolutely laughable.

After what you've posted about your mom and dad's R, I also laughed out loud when I read the above! So funny! And yet, I can totally see many a person who believes that about themselves claiming it, while a little clueless about reality! I get the impression your mom is a sweetheart of a woman!

[Ruby Slippers]

16 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

If you were to take him back, I'd insist on counseling. I know folks said don't make him jump through hoops and I think they have a point, but I think this particular man NEEDS some counseling to get past whatever's driving this verbal lashing out to be a safe partner.

Yes, I totally hear everything you're saying. Anyone can pretend to be a gentleman for a while. But it's highly risky to marry a guy who's already shown he can be a powder keg.

When he told me, more than once, that he still occasionally has dreams where he's fighting with his mom, and he was kinda sorta hinting that maybe that's why he likes to stir up a little drama with me, I suggested he might talk to a good counselor, as I had to do that when I hit a wall in life relating to my dad and our strained relationship and it helped me clear those hurdles. He reacted as I expected he would, not really reacting at all. I suggested in an email today as well that counseling could help him, though I'm afraid he's too proud to go.

I don't feel right about insisting he see a counselor as a condition for a second chance. Going to a counselor is a very personal decision. Many people, especially people from the old world, have very strong opinions against it. To them, there's a stigma associated. Something like "only crazy people go to counselors." Another thing is that I know from personal experience it's difficult to find a good counselor. At least half of them are bats*** crazy themselves. I had a counselor once who suggested to me that I deal with a breakup by getting involved in the swinger community. She was nuts.

But I have gently suggested it. I'd certainly be impressed if he gave it a shot.

Edited January 21, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Ruby Slippers]

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

No way am I defending the man, but questioning the idea of getting back together when the only positive aspect of his entire being seems to be his sexual performance.

A few people have said something similar. This thread is about a breakup, so I've focused on what went wrong. But he has many amazing qualities, or I wouldn't be bothering with all this.

In some ways he's a complete gentleman. I spent the holidays with him in the mountain town where he has a house and he gave me the princess treatment in every way - the better hiking gear, lighter pack, almost all my preferences granted.

In the early days, he loved doing things like taking a bath with me, and he'd rub my feet and totally cater to my every whim. 

The first weekend he spent with me, he went out and got everything to cook us a healthy, delicious dinner, did all the prep and cooking, even insisted on doing the dishes.

He told me that with girlfriends in the past, he hardly changed anything about his lifestyle, but with me was willing to adapt in many ways. Oral sex for women is not common in the Middle East, almost taboo, considered "unmanly" or something. (Those poor women!) He said he had hardly ever done it in the past, but he learned how to do it for me, did it every time, and in general was getting better at it.

I also seem to recall he said that he never really said I love you before. They don't do that in Middle Eastern culture, either, not even with their kids. But he was eventually telling me I love you every day.

He was generally very attentive, kept in good touch all the time, let me know where he was, incorporated me into his life in every way. He tried to entertain me, take me on fun dates and road trips, awesome all-night cuddler, affectionate. He invited me to go with him for the holidays and got my ticket - never lorded any of that over me.

Good communication, willing to try new things with me, very open to exploring new things I was interested in, athletic and totally no ego when I was teaching him tennis (I'm very good - most men get mad that I'm better at it than they are), was learning to be more romantically expressive, complimented me in sweet ways, very encouraging of all my endeavors and celebrated my successes, kind and respectful to my family, even brought my mom and dad nice gifts our first visit and smaller gifts the second one, very responsible and hard-working in his career, super ambitious and constantly seeking out better work. He told me that before we met, he was thinking of retiring in about a year, but since we were talking about marriage and kids, he was planning to work for 5-10 more years so he could get us our own house and save/invest enough money to support our kids if we had them. 

Now, before anybody says, oh look, she wants him back now! That's not the point of this. I just wanted to respond to the people that say it looks all bad or I only liked him for the hot sex. That was not the case.

[mark clemson]

19 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Another thing is that I know from personal experience it's difficult to find a good counselor. At least half of them are bats*** crazy themselves.

Heh - true dat. 🙂

[FMW]

I think if only two months into your relationship counseling is required, it's not likely to solve the problem.  Counseling, individual or couple, is a reasonable option to help save long term relationships.  As has been mentioned, the first few months is the honeymoon stage.  If this problem has already presented itself this early on, there is probably more to come.  You shouldn't have to be overcoming break up worthy hurdles at this point.    

I'm not demonizing the guy, I just don't think he's the one for you unless you want to have to forever "handle" him the way your mom has to handle your dad.  

If you aren't happy with him the way he is right now, it's unlikely he'll ever make you happy.  Don't stick around hoping to change him - you know that won't work.      

[NuevoYorko]

Never mind looks like you covered it.

Edited January 21, 2020 by NuevoYorko
redundant

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that a call for counseling so early on isn't a great sign.

It's worth mentioning here that after I wrote out all those positives earlier this evening, a whole bunch more came to mind. One of the biggest is that spending all our time together was most of the time smooth sailing and fun, we just got along, enjoyed doing everything together, from fun stuff to mundane domestic stuff, working out, errands, taking a shower, movies, cooking, deep conversation, just whatever. 

I also believe that things happen for a reason, there are no accidents. He didn't just stumble into this debacle of an evening. It was some kind of test to gauge my tolerance for this behavior. To what end, I'm not sure. But it didn't just "happen." 

[lana-banana]

Honestly, the compressed time scale worries me more than anything else. It'd be one thing if this happened over the course of a year or several years. But two months? You aren't even out of the honeymoon period and you're having drag-out fights, which is reason enough to break up. Stuff like this doesn't improve with time.

The first few fights should help you understand how you and your partner navigate conflict. In your case you are both so strong-willed that you can't concede the other might be right. If this is happening over a drunken conversation then imagine what would happen over a major life decision, career change, etc. 

It's not that I think every fight should be a sign to call it quits, but this seems a bit less like a relationship of mutual growth and more of mutual ego-stroking. There may not be much of a relationship to save.

[Ruby Slippers]

5 hours ago, lana-banana said:

Honestly, the compressed time scale worries me more than anything else. It'd be one thing if this happened over the course of a year or several years. But two months? You aren't even out of the honeymoon period and you're having drag-out fights, which is reason enough to break up. Stuff like this doesn't improve with time.

I wouldn't call it a drag-out fight. He was a jerk and I quietly departed the scene, no real drama. Yes, it would have been wiser not to dive right in, but on the other hand, since I do want kids if possible, I could argue there's wisdom in uncovering this stuff early, so as not to waste time if we discover it's unworkable.

It's also occurred to me that less sensitive and idealistic women probably deal with these kinds of episodes often enough, but stay with him and roll their eyes, brush him off, and give him the cold shoulder for a few days. It's very likely that any woman he's ever been with has done this plenty of times. 

He made a big deal of the fact that his ex-wife remarried a blue collar guy who makes way less money than her, has nowhere near the "status" that he does. I said maybe that guy really loves her. Probably he never treats her like this. My ex's point was yeah, that's because she's his gravy train and he got to majorly upgrade his lifestyle by getting with her. Maybe so. But I'm guessing that even with that, it's a refreshing change to have a man who's more motivated to please her, even if her finances are a factor in that.

Quote

The first few fights should help you understand how you and your partner navigate conflict. In your case you are both so strong-willed that you can't concede the other might be right. If this is happening over a drunken conversation then imagine what would happen over a major life decision, career change, etc. 

That's a fair point. But it's worth noting that we handled other fairly major landmarks and issues with ease and no arguments. For example, I had never before been involved with a man with kids, and though there had been tension between his daughter and an ex-girlfriend before, we had none of that and got along great. Meeting and getting acquainted with his kids was a breeze and a pleasure, much easier than expected.

Quote

It's not that I think every fight should be a sign to call it quits, but this seems a bit less like a relationship of mutual growth and more of mutual ego-stroking. There may not be much of a relationship to save.

You're right that ego issues are central in this relationship. Like attracts like. The past couple of days I've been thinking about my own ego issues. If I'm involved with a guy with ego issues, then I must have the same or complementary issues. I think my version is that I'm still developing my own confidence. While I've taken leaps and bounds in this area over the past few years, I'm still evolving.

Though I wasn't consciously aware of this upfront, looking back I can see that one of the reasons he was attractive to me is that he's a "big shot," in some sense, has lots of options in the dating marketplace, and it was flattering not only that he chose me, but that according to what he said and most of the time did, I was the first woman ever to "conquer" his heart. I didn't intend for him to be my conquest, but in some ways he was. 

For myself, I feel I've slain that dragon, or at least seriously injured it. Now I think I have the insight to see through the smoke and mirrors to the real heart of a person. At least that's what I'll strive to do from now on.

[elaine567]

Your father has a bit ego and treats your mother badly, so you are kind of used to the dynamic...
It may be something you wished to avoid but here you are anyway...

[Cookiesandough]

Ruby, I think you should just cut it off with this guy. He seems too arrogant, insecure, and unlikely to change. 

[Ruby Slippers]

52 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Your father has a bit ego and treats your mother badly, so you are kind of used to the dynamic...
It may be something you wished to avoid but here you are anyway...

Sins of the father...

My dad isn't all bad. While he was "limited", he never cheated on my mom, worked extremely hard to provide for the family 100% (my mom hasn't had to work for 50 years and won't ever have to again), I never went without food or shelter, he totally shocked me by offering to pay a large unexpected medical bill for me a couple of years ago, one that would have been a big blow to me financially, and is very protective of me when men try to step on me. Even though my dad has been guilty of that same behavior many times, on some level he understands it wrong and he advises me never to tolerate it. While he'll never be all that emotionally evolved, he's come a long way by his own standard.

Last night he was expressing frustration about my ex's stubbornness, arrogance. I explained that this is all springing from insecurity, so try to have some compassion. I told my dad how insecure I used to be. I left out the part about how my huge insecurities were caused by the way he treated me, but I was 100% honest with him for the first time about what terrible self-esteem I used to have, and how glad I am that now I finally have some real confidence and strength. My dad used to run me down constantly (all my brothers and sisters, too, I learned much later), but brag about my accomplishments to outsiders - ego: look at this overachiever I created.

But last night, for the first time ever, he reassured me that I have nothing to feel inadequate about, told me I'm a terrific person for all these reasons, he hopes my ex gets his head out of his ass, but if not, he's sure I won't have any problem finding a man on my level. Now that I finally don't need my dad's validation, he gives it generously. Funny how that works!

I also gave my parents a short monologue about how ego is the opposite of love. My mom told me that all this has brought up conversations of their own disagreements, and my dad seems to be seeing the light. Deep down my dad is a softie, and the older he gets, the more that side comes out.

My ex instantly clicked with my dad. Every time we visited they'd sit down together and have deep conversation. I've never seen that with any other man I've been with. He said he appreciates that he operates like an Iranian dad, asking all the right questions to scrutinize him as a worthy candidate for his daughter. He described my dad as "kind of like a mafia boss," which I've said in those exact words before - a flawed, domineering hardass who somehow commands the service and respect of so many people.

[Artdeco]

While everybody is certainly different, the parallels between your "ex" and mine are astounding. I might be inclined to think we're talking about the same guy, but there's the age difference, and the FOO ("ethnicity") difference. What's the same though is the upbringing (mommy issues), the early on red flags (ignored by me; shame on me), and whatever else I have mentioned above. I want to keep this short (at work), but what it resulted in was this: 

jealousy and control issues, due to lack of self-control (had to control me and everything around me, because that's the only thing he focused on, not focused on his own multiple flaws which he KNEW were there, but couldn't control) ------> very impulsive (drinking, gambling; gambling is fine in moderation, if he can afford it/not my business)

very insecure deep down (very secure on the outside), craving female attention and seeking it out actively, while trying to restrict me  (see above about jealousy) -----> female friends, strippers on business trips, etc. (and you will probably never find out; I just got lucky) 

Everything was always everybody else's fault. I heard "with all due respect...." and "I am sorry you feel this way" a LOT (but not as early as you, may I add). 

These are just a few. I'll add more later. I gave the benefit of the doubt willingly for a long time, because I always thought this and that was an UNUSUAL circumstance, and blahblah, but no - it was not. It just wasn't. 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

41 minutes ago, Artdeco said:

While everybody is certainly different, the parallels between your "ex" and mine are astounding.

Questions for you and other women who have experienced this type of demeaning treatment:

How many episodes like this did you endure?

What was the straw that broke the camel's back?

Did you eventually find a good man? If yes, are you happy and satisfied with your relationship with this man? How does he treat you? Has he ever treated you in a demeaning way?

Edited January 21, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Artdeco]

I endured many of these incidents; too many to count. The straw that broke the camel’s back was him punching a wall, after I had pointed out that he made no sense, by demanding from me what he wouldn’t deliver. He knew I was right so he had no other way to defend himself. He had to get violent. I was happily single for a loooong time after this. And yes, I found a great guy. He has never displayed any of this behavior ever. He, too, is successful in his business, but without the constant need for validation (esp by females). He’s soooo normal, in a good way. 

[elaine567]

In my case too many to mention too,
Same fantastic relationship, fun,  great sex, a good guy,  entertaining, intelligent, successful, ambitious, loved by all apparently,
Then...
One night I was out with some friends alone and he said he would stay in my apartment and wait for me coming home. 
NO problem for me, I was not the cheating type...
But then he started a fight and accused me of  being interested in some guy I knew, he then physically threw me out of "my" bed in a temper and made me lie on the floor, no duvet...
I was shocked and scared.
BUT next day he was oh so sorry, he had had too much to drink, it would never happen again...
Then more jealous, controlling stuff interspersed with great times.. There were always other women somewhere, no overt cheating, but loads of flirting and  as he was such a great guy women liked him. I wasn't particularly jealous as he would minimise their appeal and big me up. What an idiot I was...
We would socialise a lot, dinners and events not much alcohol involved, but often I would be having a great time and I would look over to him and smile and he would catch my eye and would give me this ice cold look, whilst still laughing and smiling at others. My blood would run cold as I was then in trouble, with no idea of what I had done.  
Months later he snapped one day, stone cold sober, no fight  and out of the  blue, he head butted me and broke my nose...
Although in my  mid twenties, my mother got involved, his mother got involved and it was over...
Today he is a successful guy, no doubt still loved by all...