My guy and I had a few drinks before dinner last night and he had too much and was being a jerk

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I told him I never want him to feel he has to walk on eggshells

That's not his job, he has no intention of doing that,  that is your job...

[Ruby Slippers]

He agrees the behavior was egregious and we talked it through extensively, made our peace. The part that seems silly now is my strong reaction, running away rather than letting him sleep on the couch and then discussing it the next day. Running away when there's trouble is what I do, and it's not very productive for a relationship. He also said it really hurt that I basically wrote off the whole relationship based on one bad night. I had to agree that if that one night hadn't happened, I would have called everything previous to that pretty great, as I did on this forum many times. Part of our agreement is that when we have a disagreement, we'll focus the discussion on that one issue, then discuss its place within a pattern at a later time once we're more calm and level-headed.

The agreement was both of our idea, bumper pads, if you will, to help us manage conflict in the future in a healthier way. I'm in my 40s, he's in his 50s, and neither of us has had the kind of romantic relationship we want that lasts. So we both acknowledge we have issues and need to evolve if we want anything good to work out and last. We sat down together and figured out what's most important to each of us when future conflicts arise. Any counselor would call this healthy and wise. Through this whole thing, we both kept coming back to: "I really love this person and overall we're good together."

As for dom/sub, we agreed that we were both playing roles in the beginning, and we've now agreed to stop playing roles and just be ourselves. Do we each have dominant and submissive tendencies at various times in various scenarios? Yes. Now we both acknowledge that and are making room for the other person to express both sides of him/herself without any labels.

@Allupinnit, I took that to mean that he's willing to adapt and change in this relationship, because he feels in the big picture it's all worth it. In the past, he wasn't all that excited about the relationship, so he wasn't very willing to bend.

I posted some cool stuff in another thread about our astro compatibility that seems spot on to both of us. An excerpt:

These two are considered one of the most and one of the least emotional signs of the zodiac. One of them should be family oriented and the other turned to their career. Still, their emotions often run wild as soon as they lay eyes on each other. In time, they will both fight for security and stability of their relationship, and although it might be hard for them to reconcile these primal emotional differences, they will in most cases simply – find a way.

[Allupinnit]

Girl your brain is on fire with all of that oxytocin firing around and we rarely make good decisions in an emotional state.  You shouldn't be breaking up at 2 months.  You guys are going full speed on emotion alone and your r'ship barely has legs under it.

I'd be interested in seeing how this plays out but I wouldn't be surprised is this is your pattern.  He's an ass and will continue to make an ass out of himself in front of you and others, you'll get embarrassed and frustrated and he'll know how to hoover you right back in by making you feel like the only woman he's EVER been excited about.  🤥 When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

[Ruby Slippers]

He's never made an ass out of himself in front of anyone but me, so I'm not worried about that.

If it all falls apart, I'll be the first to tell you you were right

[BC1980]

I'm puzzled with this one. One thing I noticed is the extreme swings in emotion. One minute, he's horrible, and it's over. A week later, he's wonderful. 
 

Essentially moving in with him in 2 months is really fast. I don't know what he said at the restaurant a week ago, but you had a 180 in your feelings for him. This just feels like it will crash and burn again. I hope it works out for you though. 

[K.K.]

6 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

He's never made an ass out of himself in front of anyone but me, so I'm not worried about that.

If it all falls apart, I'll be the first to tell you you were right

Girl, don’t even think about any negative s*** right now or let anything mess with your head. I can see that you’re not lol.  

It was an argument and now a second chance. A drunken mistake he made. Sometimes, seeing the ‘ugly’ side of someone and accepting them anyway is enough to push you forward and make you closer. Goes both ways. Love doesn’t always fit into a tidy little box of tranquility. 

Good luck! 👍 

[Ruby Slippers]

Just now, K.K. said:

Girl, don’t even think about any negative s*** right now or let anything mess with your head. I can see that you’re not lol.  

It was an argument and now a second chance. A drunken mistake he made. Sometimes, seeing the ‘ugly’ side of someone and accepting them anyway is enough to push you forward and make you closer. Goes both ways. Love doesn’t always fit into a tidy little box of tranquility. 

Good luck! 👍 

Thank you! It's the nature of an open forum that people can express their opinions freely. But I've made my decision - nobody's doubts or criticisms are going to cause me to go back on what my own inner guidance is telling me clearly. If it doesn't work out, oh well, at least I gave it a good chance and I can sleep well at night knowing that.

As Walt Whitman said, "Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes."

Right after I started this thread, a lovely poster on this forum sent me a beautiful story he wrote, the main idea of which is that the love between a man and a woman is messy and full of mistakes and imperfections. When you really love someone, you see them at their absolute best and their absolute worst. And if you truly love them, you accept them, good, bad, and ugly.

And to that poster, I read a good portion of that story out loud to him before bed last night. He agreed with me that it's an awesome story!

In a way, I'm glad we're letting our flaws show now, so we know what we're dealing with and can make a more informed decision about whether to proceed.

[Allupinnit]

Well at least you now know he's got "that" side to him and it's not going away.

Good luck to you!

[Allupinnit]

Wait a sec I went back and read more.  You had red flags of his behavior from the FIRST DATE so that you blocked him right afterward?!

[LivingWaterPlease]

12 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

 

 

12 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

 Part of our agreement is that when we have a disagreement, we'll focus the discussion on that one issue, then discuss its place within a pattern at a later time once we're more calm and level-headed.

The agreement was both of our idea, bumper pads, if you will, to help us manage conflict in the future in a healthier way.... We sat down together and figured out what's most important to each of us when future conflicts arise... I took that to mean that he's willing to adapt and change in this relationship..

 

Except from the way you posted about the incident the evening at the restaurant where things went south it seemed to me it wasn't as much about conflict as it was about the fact that he was a crude crass jerk who treated you as if you were subhuman. And you write he's willing to adapt and change in this relationship but we've been acknowledging that he CAN'T change.

 

This comment is in reference to the quote below (wasn't able to post it below the quote for some reason):

You are just as important as anyone else he may make an A out of himself in front of.  

What is it you've resolved? You wrote that he's willing to adapt and change yet a few pages back several of us were pointing out that he can't change!

12 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I took that to mean that he's willing to adapt and change in this relationship, because he feels in the big picture it's all worth it. In the past, he wasn't all that excited about the relationship, so he wasn't very willing to bend.

He's never made an ass out of himself in front of anyone but me, so I'm not worried about that.

If it all falls apart, I'll be the first to tell you you were right  

Edited January 28, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[lana-banana]

If I understand correctly, in the space of two months, you:

1. Met for a date and were so turned off you blocked him
2. Gave him another chance (???)
3. Spent all your time together
4. Essentially moved in
5. Said "I love you"
6. Talked about marriage
7. Had your first real fight, in which he made a comment that "hurt your soul"
8. Broke up
9. Refused to see him until he promised to wine anand dine you
10. Agreed to take him back after he consented to counseling, homework and signed a written contract dictating future behavior 

I'm not fluent in drama, but good lord, this is exhausting just to read. I am getting the sense you're willing to reconsider mostly because he flattered your ego so much, e.g. "he's going to do all this stuff to get me back, I must be the most fabulous and awesome woman ever!" But as best as I can tell all you have done is show him exactly how to butter you up when he does this again. You aren't in the position of strength you think you are. The way you've backtracked and rationalized over the past few pages is evidence enough.

If you are two months in to a relationship and you've been forced to put him on a performance improvement plan, your situation is beyond bleak. Good luck.

[thefooloftheyear]

I wish you the best RS, and I hope I am wrong, but the feeling I am getting is this guy is going to want to take a machete to his genitals when this is all over...

A signed "pact"..??

TFY

[Ruby Slippers]

@LivingWaterPlease, can or can't change? Time will tell. 

What we resolved is that he genuinely apologized and so far is interacting with me in a kinder, gentler way. Whether that's short-term makeup energy or sustainable should become clear pretty soon. 

[mark clemson]

Hi, RS -

It's clear you guys are going to give it another go. I hope it works out well!

IF this starts turning into LT, very strongly suggest you ask that he follow through with the IC, - ie. through to where he's resolved whatever issues triggered his emotional cruelty to you.

On 1/24/2020 at 9:29 AM, Ruby Slippers said:

We got on the phone and had a very open, honest talk. I tried to coax an educated guess out of him about why he behaved that way. The closest he could figure is that it was a misguided dominance play, from the humiliation angle, just as @mark clemson suggested. Smart! I explained that while I find certain expressions of masculine dominance arousing, such as the use of controlled “force,” I’ve never found that particular expression arousing and never will.

 

I'm actually not convinced that this was a D/s thing. Sometimes people who carry around a strong "negative side" aren't quite sure why they do it or "what they were thinking". He may believe this was D/s - but as you said, it was "the closest he could figure". In other words, he's got this "lashing out" tendency bottled up inside of him. It's not completely conscious. I think D/s was an ex post facto explanation.

His mowing the lawn and being very nice etc show IMO a very genuine desire to reconcile and be with you. That's real IMO. This other side of him, though is still there, dormant for now. If it's going to come out again (and I suspect it will), it will probably come out once he feels completely safe and secure in the relationship. I.e. the best/safest time for him, the worst time for you. This probably isn't conscious or intentional on his part, but it's probably at least possible it will happen.

For that reason, I strongly think you should ask that he go to therapy so that he can resolve this stuff, or at least become conscious of it so it's more under his control. That way he won't turn negative again and "blow thing up" or anything once there are kids (if that happens) or a similar harmonious life together.

 

[Woggle]

If this does become a long term thing I hope that it isn't constant up and down drama like this. Honestly this sounds exhausting to me.

[Ruby Slippers]

Thank you for the constructive, level-headed feedback, @mark clemson!

I'm talking to my counselor this afternoon, am going to get her opinion on the best course of action from here. My thinking is that first we can try reading a good book together and doing some self-work, and if progress is too slow or issues re-emerge, we then talk to a counselor.

In spite of the pile-on about him and his mistakes, the fact is I attracted him and the relationship is a co-creation.

[Allupinnit]

Well he's also not posting here, you are.  You've been having doubts about this guy from the first date!  I haven't ever felt the need to completely block someone after a first date unless it was absolutely necessary for some very upsetting reason.  He triggers you big time - you are right about attracting that.  But he also triggers the part of you that, gently, I feel is screaming for validation and having a man chase after you soothes that part of you, temporarily at least. 

If you ask me he's all caught up in this Dom/sub thing and it's firing up all his insecurities so that he has to puff himself up.  Mentioning that another woman is attractive is one thing but to crassly compare your breasts to hers at a restaurant OH GIRL HAIL TO THA NAW come on that's disgusting!  What did he do on the first date?

Eventually he's not going to try so hard to win you back.  You both are in limerence - you need to educate yourself on that so that you can take a bird's eye view of the relationship and the character of this man.

 

[Ruby Slippers]

The ongoing criticism isn't helpful. I know exactly what happened, I've considered and analyzed it thoroughly, and it's time to move on and focus on today and tomorrow. If people want to continue beating the dead horse of his mistakes and my mistakes here, you're free to do so, it's an open forum. But I won't be joining you in that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

32 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

the fact is I attracted him and the relationship is a co-creation.

I don't know what this means.