My guy and I had a few drinks before dinner last night and he had too much and was being a jerk

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, preraph said:

I knew plenty of drunks who never got drunk and said a harsh hurtful word to anybody, because they were nice people

Yes some people are lovely drunks, they say nice things and can get very affectionate but not in a sleazy way, just in a loving caring way.
They are the ones to hold onto.
Nasty drunks are a nightmare.
You get scared taking them anywhere as you never know when that extra drink will tip them over the edge.
You don't want to go out or have some drinks with friends or at home, as you can never relax.
You don't want to be embarrassed, when he takes you to bits in front of other people or hurt when he goes too far when you are alone... 

[lana-banana]

Alcohol aside, a man who doesn't apologize---to be specific, a man who blames you for not knowing his limits and for his own lousy behavior---is bad news. I'm sorry this happened, but it's good you figured it out early. You can't build a long-term relationship with somebody who handles fights so poorly.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's amazing how such an exceptionally intelligent guy can be so emotionally clueless.

He was texting piddly stuff to try to reel me back in, then switched to long, rambling messages of lame self defense. When I brought up one of the offensive things he said, he claimed he doesn't remember it, but if he said that he was wrong. Yeah, no s***, Sherlock.

I told him that unless he understands what he did wrong, looks me in the eye, admits he's wrong, and sincerely apologizes, I have nothing more to say to him. Even with that, I'm not sure I'd want any further communication, but without it, he can F right off.

[preraph]

Weepy drunks are embarrassing!  Known a couple of those.  

[mark clemson]

Sorry to hear about this RS. Clearly you are a bit of a catch, so no doubt there are other men out there for you if this falls through completely.

[Ruby Slippers]

He's trying, but I don't know. He called but I was talking to a friend, didn't call him back because I was talked out. We texted and he apologized at length, asked to see me so he can apologize in person. Claims he doesn't remember most of the things he said and did, says they were completely stupid and beneath him. 

I was going to meet him for coffee or something tomorrow, but the texting went on too long and the detailed discussion was pissing me off, so I'll have to see when I feel like dealing with him, if at all.

[Art_Critic]

IMO, he is trying to reel you back in before you have time to think about everything, he is also trying to get in front of you to try and work the physical magic on you, his thinking is that once he has your clothes off it will be back to normal.

I say you don't meet him for anything tomorrow that you wait a few days or a week and think about things, it will also give him time to rethink things as well.. then meet.. and keep your clothes on...

Go from there.. but only if this is what you want, maybe after thinking about it you might be done.. either way.. time...

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes, I agree. He asked this evening if he could come over. The arrogance. 

He's going on a 2-week business trip out of the country in 2 weeks, and I'm sure will try to lock me down again before then. We were supposed to take a little weekend road trip next weekend, but I'm not going. I don't see myself being alone with him during the next 2 weeks. He has a big mess to clean up. At most I imagine I'd meet him in public and drive myself. I told him clearly he damaged my respect and trust, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to look at him the same way.

Edited January 13, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm so sorry and surprised to read this Ruby. From your posts he seemed perfect for you.

A friend told me last night that her dad had always reminded her, "Remember, they're on their best behavior when they're dating you." Wise words.

The kind of ugly you described would kill a relationship it seems to me. And it seems you've been with him only a few weeks. Shouldn't be happening at all but especially not this early.  

 

[Mrin]

Oh this sucks. I'm really sorry to hear that things have taken a turn for the worst. I don't mean to pry but what actually did he say that was so awful? You intimated a few things in your original post but they just seemed off color. Did he get nasty and mean?

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't want to get into the specifics of the conversation, but suffice to say that his behavior was unacceptable to me and the fact that it happened under the influence is no excuse. 

Right now I feel like chances are low that my feelings for him will recover from this. I feel like my love for him was this pure, beautiful flower and the other night he stomped it into the ground. Then for 2 days he let it lie there to wither and die. What's wonderful now, though, is that I've learned well how to protect my heart from mistreatment. In that sense I've emerged unscathed. 

I fault only myself for misjudging him. In the beginning he seemed like a unicorn - highly intelligent and accomplished, but humble and no/low ego, the magical combination of dominant and loving that so many women long for. Now I see that he had his insecurities, being with me was quickly increasing his confidence in the woman arena, and it went to his head. Being with him was also increasing my confidence quickly in the man arena, but I used that confidence to uplift him in a positive way and elevate him to a position of importance, a position that I now see he was unworthy of. Underneath the humble surface is an egomaniac who doesn't know how to appreciate what he has, just as with the vast majority of dominant men.

I talked to my wise older mom-like friend at work, and she said the only reason most women put up with this crap - and so many women do - is for the material/financial benefits, often because kids are involved. In fact, it's exactly what my mom has done her whole marriage to my dad. But I'm free of all that. I can support myself and am a free agent.

Walt Whitman said: "Dismiss whatever insults your soul" and that has been ringing in my mind.

No amount of surface or material benefits can ever compensate for insults against my soul. It's a devil's bargain that I could never accept.

Edited January 13, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[K.K.]

7 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

 

Walt Whitman said: "Dismiss whatever insults your soul" and that has been ringing in my mind.

 

 

I felt this so hard.

Thank you. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

2 minutes ago, K.K. said:

 

I felt this so hard.

Thank you. 

SAME!  And I know someone else who needs to see it.  (My sis)

[Ruby Slippers]

I broke up this weekend and I can't think about him because he was such a jerk the past few days. So now I'm going through the mental ex rolodex for self-lovin' material. I comfort myself with the fact that my greatest hits collection is pretty damn good. 

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I broke up this weekend and I can't think about him because he was such a jerk the past few days.

OMG!! You guys broke up?? I mean I thought he was getting ready to propose??  Didn't he say fiancee' was a better title then girlfriend and all that??

What happened?? Everything you wrote about him seemed like he was your perfect match.  Didn't you move in together,  just recently??

[Piddy]

2 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I broke up this weekend and I can't think about him because he was such a jerk the past few days. So now I'm going through the mental ex rolodex for self-lovin' material. I comfort myself with the fact that my greatest hits collection is pretty damn good. 

That means you're out of 'The Contest". 😎  I'm still abstaining thanks to you. 😉 When you find a new love interest you can always get back in 'The Contest'.  Until then enjoy that ex rolodex. 🤪 

[Ruby Slippers]

3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

OMG!! You guys broke up?? I mean I thought he was getting ready to propose??  Didn't he say fiancee' was a better title then girlfriend and all that??

What happened?? Everything you wrote about him seemed like he was your perfect match.  Didn't you move in together,  just recently??

Yes, it sucks. I've been pretty zen about the whole thing, trying to focus on the positive, that I'm being strong and looking after myself and all that stuff. Which is true, cuz he was a real a**h*** the other night and showed very little remorse. But the sucky part is now setting in, the reality of what I've lost 😑 On a positive note, man there are a lot of great breakup songs. So much passion and emotion!

We were essentially living together since the first time he spent the night about 2 months ago, and he initiated that. The only nights we spent apart were when he was out of town visiting his kids. 

There's a thread about it in the Breaks & Breaking Up forum if you want to catch up on all the yucky details.

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said:

There's a thread about it in the Breaks & Breaking Up forum if you want to catch up on all the yucky details.

OK...  I'm just kind of catching up on reading the forum.  My girlfriend was here over the weekend and I didn't really look at the forum that much.  I'll go find the thread and read.

On a side note, I am so sorry to hear about this.  😢

[Ruby Slippers]

Thank you! I thought nobody really noticed my endless blathering on about my shiny new relationship lol It's sweet that y'all did and that you care, a real comfort during a kinda s***ty time 🥰

[major_merrick]

OMG Ruby!  And here I thought it was going so well.  I've forgotten, but do you like girls?  Even a little bit?  A change could do you some good.  Softer, sweeter, cuter...

[jah526]

Do you think he was just trying to make you jealous? I think guys like to do that sometimes. 

[Ruby Slippers]

24 minutes ago, jah526 said:

Do you think he was just trying to make you jealous? I think guys like to do that sometimes. 

If so, it was stupid. He had made similar jokes while sober, though less severe, and I made it very clear I wasn't impressed. 

Now I feel like he never really cared about me at all; I was just another tool to help him expand his ego. I really thought I had better judgment in people. Obviously I still have a lot to learn. 

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, major_merrick said:

OMG Ruby!  And here I thought it was going so well.  I've forgotten, but do you like girls?  Even a little bit?  A change could do you some good.  Softer, sweeter, cuter...

Thanks! But no. I tried kissing a lesbian friend in high school and felt like I was kissing my sister. She admitted many years later that it got her very hot and bothered. It's kind of a shame cuz beautiful lesbians love me and throw themselves at me. I feel nothing. For as much as men can be a**h***s at times, I need the D 😝

[Happy Lemming]

I read through your thread and again, I am so sorry to hear this sad news. Part of me, wants your guy to apologize and come back to you, while another part want you to dismiss him from your life once and for all.  I am torn between each scenario.

As I read "Loveshack" I guess I like reading about happy endings, where a woman who is searching and searching, finally finds her "Prince Charming".

I want "nospam99" to find his next "Natalie"; I want "mortensorchid" to find a wonderful guy and have a long term relationship; I want the "hot guy" at "Springsummer's" building to ask her out and sweep her off her feet and I wanted you to find the perfect guy.  And it looked like that had happened... but he screwed it up.

So what do you want to happen??  Do you think when he comes back from his 2 week business trip that you might want to listen to his apology and give him another chance??  I do think you need some time to think and the 2 weeks will be beneficial for decision making.

What do you want Ruby??

[Ruby Slippers]

Thank you, Happy Lemming! 

Right now I don't know. Like you, I feel torn.

I didn't hear from him today and right now the bigger part of me wants to incinerate his ass and his every memory from my life entirely. How could he treat me that way if he gave a damn about me? So f*** him. That's how I feel right now.

But once the emotions settle, if he comes back around, I imagine my brain might try to find a logical explanation for his shortcomings and my sensitive, generous heart will try to forgive. Doesn't mean I have to take him back, though. 

I think there are some flags waving, and maybe I'd be better off running away for my own protection. When he deleted his dating profile, he asked me to look at his inbox before he did. He clicked this one woman's profile and goes, "I didn't get to meet her." I was like "WTF? If it's such a loss, then go meet her (, dumbass)." I honestly wanted to dump him right then. That weird, stupid moment haunted me for days. Still does. I was trying not to be "so picky." This is what not being too picky gets you. 

The other day I texted him that he's obviously still longing to play the field, and now he's free to enjoy his online dating catalog once again.