siren8272 Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 So we were at a family gathering (a relative's 30th birthday party) and my cousin showed up with her new boyfriend. Well the event called for evening wear and suits to which my cousin obliged and wore a cute evening gown. Well my aunt felt the need to walk up to my cousin and proceed to grab at her dress to feel to see if she was wearing underwear. My aunt use to do this when my cousin was a child , but once she became an adult one would figure this behavior would stop. Well my cousin swatted my aunt's hand away and told her to stop. My aunt decided to get belligerent and violent poking my cousin in her forehead and trying to pull her hair. The next day my aunt stated she was in the right because she is her mother and can check to see if shes wearing appropriate under garments all she wants. My family is split the older crowd is siding with my aunt the younger ones(myself included) are siding with my cousin. I do realize that I might have bias because this is my cousin so I have come to ask parents(because I am not one) what their take is. Was my cousin wrong to tell my aunt to stop touching her or was she in the right? Again my reasoning is to get others perspective just to make sure I am not too biased to see what is going on. Keep in mind my cousin is a 25 yr old woman who lives in her own place. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 I think that there is history between your Aunt and her daughter that is beyond your current knowledge and you would be better served to remain neutral. I'm sure you have enough personal squabbles of your own. Why add to the burden? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 Your aunt was dead wrong to humiliate her daughter that way. To ask such intimate Qs in front of the whole family was outrageous. While I don't think there is a scenario where it's the aunt / mom's business since the cousin / daughter is 25, if aunt/mom had to do it, it should have been done discretely. Your Aunt was vulgar & rude. In your cousin's shoes I'd never speak to my mother again. I'd also be embarrassed to show myself at a family function. I can only imagine what the poor BF thought. He must have been horrified. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 Why?? Is it a cultural thing? Was her dress sheer? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 What?!!! Yeah maybe I am missing some cultural thing. Since when is checking anyone for "appropriate undergarments" EVER okay besides a parent with a small (lets say under 10 year old) child. Sorry sounds completely and totally bizarre to me. I have never in my life had anyone question, let alone violate me by touching me to check underwear. 25!? She is a grown woman! Holy moly the aunt sounds off the rocker. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 It's a cultural thing. Doesn't make it any less f***ed up, though. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 12 minutes ago, Elswyth said: It's a cultural thing. Doesn't make it any less f***ed up, though. May I ask which culture(s)? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 (edited) I'd call the police and charge the aunt with sexual assault, and ask a judge for a restraining order as well. You can't let this kind of crap continue to exist, else you are condoning it. Or I'd take her down in self-defense. Edited January 14, 2020 by central 3 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 She was in the wrong. You don't dare poke or pull someone's hair just because they told you to stop. She sounds more controlling than anything else. She maybe her kid, but she should get a life of her own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 1 hour ago, sothereiwas said: May I ask which culture(s)? The ones that I know of are Asian. I also know a 32 yo man who still abides by a curfew his parents have set for him, and another man who gives his mother his entire paycheck and gets an "allowance" from her. 😕 "Traditional" parent child relationships in these cultures are super f***ed up, lol. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 Very messed up. Your cousin doesn't seem to have boundaries, or her mother would have stopped this long ago. I can't imagine any culture where this would be normal. If it were me....well I'd just lean down and bite her finger. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 I don't care what part of the world this happened in, it's an appalling way to treat another person. The family members who stood by and watched and supported this assault, (because that's actually what it is), should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Sounds like the mother's a jealous bully and needs to be called out in front of everyone because a bit of public humiliation is exactly what bullies need to set them straight. Probably other family members are scared of her because she's missing a few bolts and they're frightened she'll turn on them. A gold star to the person who stands up to her and tells her what a vile person she is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 It's completely unacceptable. She's not her chattel. It's things like that kept happening, I'd definitely get a restraining order. The aunt ia bully. She's abusive. I surely hope the cousin isn't still living in her household because if she is she's just asking for it and allowing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 Ug ! My mother use to check my wife to see if she was wearing a bra from time to time. It was bizarre to us then again she was a different thinking sort. Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 I guess this is the part where we're supposed to be tolerant of other cultures. If the people involved didn't raise a fuss I guess otherwise uninvolved parties could safely butt out now .... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 (edited) Is it the same crazy aunt as in this story? If so, the LS jury has already decided that your aunt is off her rocker. If you're questioning your aunt's behaviour, assume she's doing the wrong thing. The thing which worries me most is that this isn't the only time you haven't been sure about whether or not your crazy family is actually crazy. Thing is, you have been raised in such a dysfunctional family that you are unsure of what good family behaviour consists of. How much have you managed to distance yourself from them all? Edited January 15, 2020 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 On 1/15/2020 at 6:22 AM, Elswyth said: It's a cultural thing. Doesn't make it any less f***ed up, though. There's no evidence that it's cultural. The only thing we have is a long posting history of broad family dysfunction. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 On 1/13/2020 at 8:41 PM, siren8272 said: So we were at a family gathering (a relative's 30th birthday party) and my cousin showed up with her new boyfriend. Well the event called for evening wear and suits to which my cousin obliged and wore a cute evening gown. Well my aunt felt the need to walk up to my cousin and proceed to grab at her dress to feel to see if she was wearing underwear. My aunt use to do this when my cousin was a child , but once she became an adult one would figure this behavior would stop. Well my cousin swatted my aunt's hand away and told her to stop. My aunt decided to get belligerent and violent poking my cousin in her forehead and trying to pull her hair. The next day my aunt stated she was in the right because she is her mother and can check to see if shes wearing appropriate under garments all she wants. My family is split the older crowd is siding with my aunt the younger ones(myself included) are siding with my cousin. I do realize that I might have bias because this is my cousin so I have come to ask parents(because I am not one) what their take is. Was my cousin wrong to tell my aunt to stop touching her or was she in the right? Again my reasoning is to get others perspective just to make sure I am not too biased to see what is going on. Keep in mind my cousin is a 25 yr old woman who lives in her own place. I'm sure glad you finally bothered to clarify that the aunt was indeed the cousin's mother. NOT that any adult doesn't have the same rights to privacy and a lack of physical battery that you and I have if in the same company. Everyone knows who is "right" in this situation. Whether mere tradition seems to mitigate that, in the eyes of some, is the only variable. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 3 hours ago, basil67 said: There's no evidence that it's cultural. The only thing we have is a long posting history of broad family dysfunction. Yes, of course, there's no way to know for sure unless the OP confirms. All I'm saying is that these dysfunctions all sound very culturally familiar to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 On 1/13/2020 at 8:41 PM, siren8272 said: I do realize that I might have bias because this is my cousin so I have come to ask parents(because I am not one) what their take is. Was my cousin wrong to tell my aunt to stop touching her or was she in the right? Again my reasoning is to get others perspective just to make sure I am not too biased to see what is going on. Keep in mind my cousin is a 25 yr old woman who lives in her own place. Obviously inappropriate. But if your cousin is an independent, capable adult, why the need to put yourself in the middle of this? Not your battle... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 every family dynamic is different. what fun drama this is. hahahahaha..... reminds me of the time my cousin sat next to me at a family gathering and was leaning over and her boobs were on my arm... and after about a minute and realizing she wasn't moving, i said outloud "dude, when did you get boobs?" apparently, in my family dynamic, this wasn't a good thing to do...she didn't speak to me for 10 years. I realize now, I should prob have said it perhaps quietly or removed my arm..but honestly, i couldn't.. i tried... my arms were scrawny toothpicks back then... Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 12 hours ago, Elswyth said: All I'm saying is that these dysfunctions all sound very culturally familiar to me. I looked back, and some of the phrasing in a previous thread sounded southern USA fundamentalist baptist whatever more than Asian to me, although I guess they're not strictly mutually exclusive. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 19 minutes ago, sothereiwas said: I looked back, and some of the phrasing in a previous thread sounded southern USA fundamentalist baptist whatever more than Asian to me, although I guess they're not strictly mutually exclusive. Possible. These cultures have a lot of similarities IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 What happened to OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Author siren8272 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Share Posted January 17, 2020 On 1/15/2020 at 5:42 PM, basil67 said: Sorry guys ive been busy the semester has started back up and I had to not only do my own homework but assign homework too ... Yes this is the same Aunt different cousin. I am an only child who because of being raised in dysfunction find it helpful to run things i think might be "off" by someone unbiased...people I know wouldnt be blunt because well you dont talk about people's relatives. The reason Ive even taken sides is because my mother and uncles have called to talk about it. They basically painted the picture my cousin was being a brat and I being a loyal cousin defended her. Sorry for standing up for my cousin like she has done for me many a time. On 1/15/2020 at 5:42 PM, basil67 said: Link to post Share on other sites
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