whats_wrong_with_me Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 (edited) Hello friends. I guess I should go to a psychologist but I just can't do that right now. I'm looking for answers or someone who's been in my shoes. I'm with this amazing man who takes care of me and loves me, and is so kind to me. He's a treasure that I feel I don't deserve. We've been together for two years and we live together (we're both n early 30s). I guess the general issue is my dissatisfaction with my life, but it reflects on my relationship. Basically I envy him because I don't have the skills to make my life easy, I always make it so complicated! He has an office job, has a good salary and is able to perfectly separate work from home life. His parents are healthy, wealthy and he has no emotional obligations towards them. I'm the exact opposite. I am a freelancer, I get stressed a lot by my work because I take all of the responsibilities (including legal) and I don't make as much as him. He has told me not to worry about money but I can't accept to be dependent, so I keep pushing. ( Also, deep down I believe that if I go to an office job interview of his caliber, I will not qualify because my skills are so lame.) My life looks good on the surface, but underneath everything is falling apart. My parents' health is deteriorating. They don't have the money to repair their home, even though they work to complete exhaustion. I really can't help a lot financially, yet my boyfriend takes me on long trips (for which I also feel guilty for!) My cat has cancer which is also making me feel really down. And to top all of this, I have almost completely lost my sex drive (i'm on the pill). I really don't know where I'm headed, but I feel like a wreck Happiness is right in front of me but I am totally numb! Edited January 14, 2020 by whats_wrong_with_me Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 This is what's known as "life stressors". Suggest you don't push your partner away. Instead learn to accept and appreciate the support that is offered. You need a firm platform under your feet as you deal with all the stuff. Be glad, many people have to go it without that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 (edited) funny thing i always tell my friends who try so hard to find the kind of partner you've found... yeah, put yourself out there, but fix you before you actually meet them, b/c if you're not ready for them... no matter how near perfect they are, you'll ruin it. I'm not saying this to freak you out, but you might want to invest in counseling to talk out your worries and stress, and get perspective. Right now, you aren't seeing reality... i know, you just described all the things that are adding stress to your life, but honestly, you aren't seeing reality if you can only see the bad... and though you mention the good, i don't think you're really seeing it. So let me snapshot what i got from what you wrote above and you decide if there's any truth to them. 1) you feel your partner doesn't understand you, b/c it feels like your partner has the good life, good job, good parents, good money... how could someone like that understand you? Perhaps you've tried to explain to him your thoughts, but he's just not getting it b/c it doesn't seem like he's gone thru much hardship? 2) I almost thought you were dating someone you're jealous of. You envy his life, but do you actually love him, the person? 3) Everyone goes into a dark tunnel, at times... it's the metaphor i use, and this long dark tunnel... it feels rather hopeless, or near hopeless and it seriously spirals downward from there... b/c the tunnel is so dark and long, many don't see the light that is at the end of it... the tunnel is of our own creation, and we make it as long as we make it... not to say that you don't have life problems... they are real, but how we perceive and deal with them, matters. 4) Just b/c someone is good on paper, doesn't mean they're good for you. Prob don't do this now, b/c you may not be quite objective atm.... but who is the person next to you? What about him do you love? What about him do you like? What do you think most, when you think about him? The reason i'm asking this is b/c what you just said in the 1st paragraph "a man i don't deserve"... why do you feel you don't deserve him? or reverse that statement... why don't you feel he should be with you? Let me dissect that phrase further.. what kind of partner do you want, that you feel this amazing man who loves you, cares for you, is kind to you... isn't meeting your needs? Not saying this so you question your relationship with him, but rather to see deeper into yourself to find out why you are having these doubts. One of the greatest things about being in love with someone.... you change/rise to meet them in the sun.... and realize, they weren't near the sun... you were just wallowing within your darkness... i wish you the VERY best... and hope you get some great help from these good people on here. PS: OMG... i'm seriously losing it. 5) sex drive: get off the pill.. if it is the pill. Is it life's stress that's causing the sex drive to go poof, or is it the pill? Prob important to figure this one out. 6) No one's life is perfect, or near perfect. Everyone is a mess, just some people hide it better... really. 7) older people all tell me the same thing... no, not that my ass won't be as firm as it is now... but that regret is the worst thing. Fear of rejection is pretty high on my things not to get into... but late in my life, i realized, all they can say is "no"... okay. that's it. Go for it, and if you fail, try again. It's like love... it only takes one 'yes" to matter... all the other no's don't mean a damn thing. Edited January 14, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 On 1/14/2020 at 1:34 AM, whats_wrong_with_me said: I really don't know where I'm headed, but I feel like a wreck Happiness is right in front of me but I am totally numb! You are an obvious candidate for counseling. Therapy won't fix any of the problems you've described, but it will help you to make healthy choices as you deal with them. Your BF doesn't expect you to be perfect or trouble-free, but he does reasonably expect you to engage in the relationship. Closing yourself off ensures you'll be single again... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 If you can't do counselling start with holistic health. Address positively one aspect each of these things daily: physical, emotional, social, spiritual, and intellectual life. For me that's walk in nature, hug and play with my puppy, eat good diet, yoga, pray/meditate, sing or listen to music, talk to partner, a friend, or practically anyone if it's positive, work, read, laugh, sleep. And speaking of the latter, better say goodnight! Tomorrow's another day... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 (edited) You don't need therapy. You need a better job & a budget. If you aren't making ends meet doing freelancing, get a job. Meanwhile figure out how to get more freelance work or take on a side hustle. If you can reduce your financial woes you will fell less anxious. You can't make your parents healthy but perhaps you can ease their burdens. Do you have insight into their finances? Perhaps you can help them budget better & help them find a good reasonably priced contractor to make the needed repairs on their house. Talk to an elder care / planning lawyer. Does it make sense to put the house in your name now so that you have equity & can make the repairs? Do spend time with them while you have them. Monday will be the 9th anniversary of my mom's death. You need to savor the time you have & make the most of it. Consider starting a gratitude journal. Every morning you write down 3 things for which you are grateful. They can be profound but the can be small. In the winter my down comforter & my heated mattress pad often make the list. : ) Every night write down 3 more. Once a week read your journal. When you see the good things in your life in black & white on paper, it's harder to be unhappy. For example in my life the last 2 entries were: Last night: 1. Made it to family dinner in the snow storm without accident & it took the normal amount of time, not 3 hours, to get home. (It took 3 hours to get there in white knuckle conditions) 2. The family dinner wasn't as stressful / dramatic as & expected & the food was good 3. I was able to provide concrete help & comfort to my friend after her surgery. This morning: 1. unconditional puppy love from my friend's dog 2. Family was able to honor my late uncle by celebrating his life & everybody included my mom on the list of those we miss 3. It was warmer then I expected when I took the dog out at the crack of dawn / I saw fox tracks in the snow It's about focusing on the good & working to change the not so good. Best wishes! Edited January 19, 2020 by d0nnivain Link to post Share on other sites
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