Ex finally reached out, I want her back, what do I do?

[Mr. Lucky]

She then went on to tell me I had to get the rest of my stuff from her house not later, but that day, so I had the pleasure of having to re-live all of the hurt all over again.

 

The fact that she had to bug you just to get your stuff out of her house is symptomatic of the problems in your approach to the entire relationship. As vla1120 said, she's already got kids, doesn't want more people to clean up after.

 

OP, live and learn...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rbo407]

After months of heartache and suffering I finally decided to really force myself out there and try to start dating again, which I really can’t stand never wanted to again. Stumbled across her dating profile which really slammed me in the gut and put me back to day one all over again.

 

Halloween was hell for me as the last several years have been all about her and the kids. This time it was just me and the aloneness was almost unbearable. Was sitting in the backyard and heard when her and the kids got home from trick or treating and it nearly broke me. (Close proximity too close) went inside and cried my eyes out for over an hour. Remember I didn’t just loose a girlfriend. I lost a family and a lifestyle. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be grieving but I wish it would go away. I’ve accepted that she is gone forever and that I need to move on. Friends and family help but the loneliness is absolutely killing me. Now I’m going to be facing the holidays without them soon which will also rip me to peaces.

 

 

We had not communicated at all since the 20th when I picked up my stuff. I wanted to give her space and time and I just need to heal. I love her so much I was at least hoping to stay friends with her as she was my best friend. I almost miss the non romantic parts of our relationship more then the romantic.

 

After weeks of no contact, out of the blue, she totally blocked me across every social media platform for whatever reason, even tho I wasn’t stalking her pages. It was basically the final blow. We still had some shared events coming up via google calendar but she promptly deleted and blocked me from those as well.

 

It is done. We are finished, and there is absolutely no hope at all of reconciliation. Horrible feeling that I can’t shake. She totally moved on and I can’t. It’s just killing me. I don’t know why she blocked me and the way she dumped me is the way people dump someone that does something horrible to another and I never did anything like that to her. Just sucks.

[stillafool]

The next time you get a FWB just leave it at sex only. Don't get involved with her family and friends or you might get attached. You'll be okay just give it time.

[Ruby Slippers]

A lot of what you write really reminds me of my ex from 6 months ago. I feel for you and what you're going through.

 

All I can say is that the best thing you can do is try to move on and be thankful for the time you had together.

 

Though I couldn't get past certain problems with my ex, I wish the best for him and hope he's able to improve his issues or find someone who can live with them.

[Rbo407]

Been awhile now and I’m still hurting more then I ever have. It just won’t stop. She’s in my dreams, she the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing on my mind before bed. It never stops hurting.

 

I totally let go of her and did not communicate with her at all. I left her alone and didn’t mess with her thinking if I gave her space maybe she would start to miss me. Well that was nothing but false hope.

 

Day after Halloween after not communicating at all for weeks, out of the blue, she blocked me from here to hell for no reason at all. Day after that she had a dating profile on bumble. That just about tore me to pieces. Still I didn’t contact her.

 

About a week ago I ordered a phone from google when I was drunk and it accidentally shipped to her house instead of mine -forgot to break the address connection from our google account, total bonehead move but I had to reach out to her.

 

She was polite but distant. Told her I needed to come get it. Asked her if we could maybe catch up sometime soon. Was hoping I could at least speak to her face to face.

 

She refused. Left it on the porch, and made sure she wasn’t around when I picked it up.

 

She said right now she was too busy to catch up. Too much going on. Basically a nice way of saying **** off.

 

Don’t know what else I can do. I can’t move on, I can’t let go, and it’s destroying me. I’m turning into a raging drunk, I’m having trouble at work, and now I’m loosing friends cause they are sick of listening to me cry over her.

 

I’m basically self destructing at this point. I don’t know what to do anymore.

[mark clemson]

It sounds like you may have limerence. This is unfortunate as it may be quite distressing for at least a few months. It DOES eventually fade but it takes a while.

 

Certain things will help, but they will just take the edge off, they don't "fix" it. Unfortunately it has to run it's course while your brain adjusts. Here are some suggestions:

 

- Spend time outside at least about 10 min or even just looking at quality nature pics on your computer (boots serotonin)

- Socialize with platonic friends, or even flirt with women/have a fling (just be honest about your ability to commit if you do this) (boosts dopamine)

- Exercise within whatever limits are safe for you (boosts endogenous opiates)

- Distract yourself with work and with quality TV, music, or reading material

- Socialize generally, e.g. via developing a new hobby/interests (that involve other people), volunteering, going to meetups, etc.

 

Good luck, if I'm right it will not be an easy road, but eventually you will be through the distress. MANY people go through this and get through to the other side eventually. You will too.

[Highndry]

It's time to man up and move on. Put on your big boy pants. We are not defined by the women we date, nor are they in any way responsible for our own self worth. I don't buy the accidental phone thing. I think you're playing games to try to see her. C'mon, man.

[Caauug]

 

- Spend time outside at least about 10 min or even just looking at quality nature pics on your computer (boots serotonin)

- Socialize with platonic friends, or even flirt with women/have a fling (just be honest about your ability to commit if you do this) (boosts dopamine)

- Exercise within whatever limits are safe for you (boosts endogenous opiates)

- Distract yourself with work and with quality TV, music, or reading material

- Socialize generally, e.g. via developing a new hobby/interests (that involve other people), volunteering, going to meetups, etc.

 

Mark has stated some of the best ideas on here. You are depressed, the booze is a depressant and it is bringing you down more, this is not fixing you. You need an anti-depressant to counter the depressed state you are in, the best ones are listed above in Mark's quote. Your work is starting to suffer so it is past the time you need to change, get off the drink and get onto the best drugs your body can make, and feel better.

 

Get out and do something, go for a walk, bike ride, swim, anything but sitting around drinking. You are worth fixing, start now on fixing yourself!!!

[assertives]

Are you in therapy? If not, it's time to get some kind of regular therapy now. I went back to re-read your earlier posts and one thing that stood out to me was how you described her addition in your life as so happy that made you decide to get off your own medications. This is not a healthy behaviour whether for your own mental health or in relationships. It seems to me your addiction to her is because of what she is able to add to your life - a family, comfort, care, sex, companionship, domestic help, financial support, etc while you on the other hand just took what you needed when you needed. There was no partnership or relationship in that. You were just leeching off what she had to offer.

 

A relationship is not 50-50, it's 100-100. Both partners need to put in equal effort into making a relationship work. Frankly, you are in no position to be in a relationship now. Focus on working on yourself, and work through your codependency issues. It may do you good to stay single for awhile and find who you are on your own and know what you have to offer in a serious relationship before getting into one again.

[Mr. Lucky]

She said right now she was too busy to catch up. Too much going on. Basically a nice way of saying **** off.

 

Certainly agree with the recommendation(s) you get therapy, a professional could help you find some context and clarity here.

 

You seem to feel, even at this point, she owes you something. Each step she's taken, all well within her rights, are part of her moving on with her life. Suggest you start to do the same...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rbo407]

July 29th 2019 is the day that I died. 

The day my person, the woman I thought for sure I would spend the rest of my life with, cast me out like a pile of garbage. Fought all through august to get her back and did, but it was short lived and she dumped me again for the last time 9/29. 

 

Hurt terribly all through October and November. At the end of November I finally got to downloading “the apps” swiping left and right till I started getting dates. Met up with a great girl December 1st that I hit it off really well with, but still deeply hurting over my ex. Like I seriously can’t let go of her. I’ve been through all kinds of therapy, counseling, etc nothing works, and everything I do with the new girl I just wished it was with my ex, which wasn’t fair at all so I kinda stopped seeing her for a few weeks till I could get myself together again, then I started seeing the new girl again and those painful memories and feelings finally leveled off and I was truly enjoying my time with her. 

 

Me and my ex were perfectly imperfect for each other. We had everything in the world in common including a very strange cosmic connection that really can’t be explained. We were together 2.1/2 years and had an amazing relationship, until it wasn’t. She just lost interest and romantic feelings for me completely and moved on with her life like nothing ever happened. There was an age gap. She was 48 and I’m 35 and that May have played a role in things. I wrote a big long winded post about trying to save the relationship here some months back but I was never able to reconcile. She just moved on. 

 

New Year’s Eve... 

 

Turns out the new girl I’ve been seeing happens to have a VERY CLOSE mutual connection of my ex that neither of us knew anything about till then. Wanting to give 2020 a fresh start, I went through my Facebook unfriending all my exes people when I stumbled across an old post my new GF had commented on. The OP of the post happened to be my ex’s BFFs husband! W?T?F??? Turns out my new GF and her ex used to double date with the same couple me and my ex did with years ago. We just never knew about each other. This other couple were a huge part of me and my ex’s relationship and me and my new gf were both absolutely dumbfounded over the connection and couldn’t believe we had never ran into each other.  Then again it kinda doesn’t surprise me considering the crazy cosmic connection that me and my ex have, of course somehow something like this would happen. I had been posting here and there with my new gf for a few weeks and turns out my ex and the couple knew about me and my new gf before me and my new gf knew about it and just didn’t say anything. 

 

The Troll... 

 

My new gfs ex put her through absolute hell. He was abusive, nasty, cheated on her constantly, drug addict, just horrible, however he stayed friends with the couple after he left her.  Me and my new gf decided to go Fb official on nye and within minutes of us posting, the couple posted a pic of my new GF’s ex and my ex, together as a couple with a “love on nye” caption on it. -a completely staged photo ment to troll us. Sadly it worked. We both shrugged it off at first but my NYE 2020 did not end well. My new gf is pretty fragile and cried a lot over it. We’re both fragile and got hurt really bad by our ex’s but I had tried moving on, as had she. She was more upset that the couple posted something so cruel as a cheap shot at us then the ex. I just still miss the hell out of my ex and had s*** race through my head that I really didn’t want to think about. Either way it stirred the pot, was just nasty in general, and put a din on our nye. While my new gf was upset and I was consoling her, I hadn’t noticed the text from my ex.. 

 

She reached out...

 

My ex had been silent as the grave. Totally iced me out of her life completely. Blocked me across every social media platform and all forms of communication aside texting months ago, where she normally wouldn’t respond to anything I sent for weeks, and if I did get a response it was a “k”, no matter what or how much I posted. Yet there it was. She started off telling me how much she still cared for me and to watch out with my new gf, then admitted she knew about the mutual connection and was just trolling me, like trying to be funny. I tried to keep the convo light hearted but not too light. asked me how I was we chatted for a bit, acted concerned about me and my well being. Told me she still cared about me, and that she hated hurting me but didn’t want to get back together, that she was dating herself and that she was a great match for herself. We chatted a bit about her hair (she decided to go gray after we split) she told me she is changing her hair to help her move on. -I didn’t dump her. She dumped me, but she didn’t leave me for anyone but herself. Then she started flirting with me, calling me pet names and stuff we called each other when we were together. Convo ended on a positive note. 

 

Then the next day she said she was really sorry for trolling me, told me that by communicating with me she messing with my moving forward with life, and that it was too soon to be friends. I tried to keep the convo going but she totally iced me out again and won’t talk to me. 

 

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??? anything? Other then wishing me luck with 2020 and my new relationship that she talked trash about? She’s the one I still want! I’m not over her at all and everything I do with my new girl I just wish it was with her the whole time. It’s been months and I’m still very broken hearted. I actually dropped my new gf cause it wasn’t fair to her since I’m still not over my ex. Does she secretly want me back??? It’s left me confused and with more questions then answers. Is she just being mean? Is she jealous? Or does she just still care about me? Why would she do that? I’ve gone through months of therapy to try to move on with my life and get over her, and she threw a giant wrench in it and now I’m stuck missing her grieving the s*** out of her and going crazy without her again. I just don’t get it. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

You write she told you she cared about you but didn't want to get back together.

Rbo, from what you've written it sounds to me as if you're very fortunate to be out of a R with your ex.

If she really cared about you she would have left you alone, not called you, and let you go on with your life with the new gf.

I believe you wrote that she was a part of having her photo with your new gf's ex plastered on social media as if they were a couple in love. Then she told you on the call she did it for a joke? To do something like that isn't a joke. It's gamey and manipulative.

It seems to me your ex is not a nice person. She may very well be jealous that you and your new gf seemed to care for each other and possibly she wanted your attention for herself. Kind of, doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you.

I'm sorry she messed up things for you and your new gf but that may have been her goal, even subconsciously.

[Rbo407]

17 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

You write she told you she cared about you but didn't want to get back together.

Rbo, from what you've written it sounds to me as if you're very fortunate to be out of a R with your ex.

If she really cared about you she would have left you alone, not called you, and let you go on with your life with the new gf.

I believe you wrote that she was a part of having her photo with your new gf's ex plastered on social media as if they were a couple in love. Then she told you on the call she did it for a joke? To do something like that isn't a joke. It's gamey and manipulative.

It seems to me your ex is not a nice person. She may very well be jealous that you and your new gf seemed to care for each other and possibly she wanted your attention for herself. Kind of, doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you.

I'm sorry she messed up things for you and your new gf but that may have been her goal, even subconsciously.

 

it hurt us both. 
 

the new girl I’m seeing is still hurting over what her ex did to her as well. She is clinically depressed and cries a lot about everything. Probably one of the most fragile people I’ve ever known in my life and idk why I’m even with her. Maybe it’s bc I wanted to find someone more broken then myself thinking two broken people can heal each other. I actually tried to leave my new gf once already because she started showing mannerisms reminiscent to my crazy abusive 10 year ltr ex, but maybe my recent ex (the one that broke me so bad) put thoughts in my head. When I did try to leave her she absolutely lost her mind so no I feel obligated to take care of this new gf that I’m already getting tired of. I’m not over my ex and I need to stop dating for awhile I think because I hate hurting other people. I’m going into month 5 now after my ex and there’s still days where I break down and cry my eyes out because I miss her so much. I’ve been in a bunch of relationships and don’t have any issues talking to women, getting them to go on dates, getting them in bed etc, but I can’t find feelings for anyone at all. I’m just numb. 
 

I have been in therapy as well as a seeing a shrink and was recently diagnosed with bipolar manic depression on top of my ocd

yes, my ex has an incredibly selfish and nasty streak. I just never saw it directed at me till we broke up, but I’m still stuck on her. Going NC hasn’t helped me move on at all. It makes me hate her and want to bang my head into a wall but in no way helps me move on. It just makes me crave her even more. I feel like I’m stuck in this endless loop of hurt that nothing really seems to help dull. I love my house and my neighborhood but I really do need to move away because she is so damn close to me. Unfortunately my finances took a huge hit last month as well as my credit, so I’m stuck where I am for now . 

[LivingWaterPlease]

It does sound as if you need to take some time off from dating. In your place I think I'd block on social media the couple you have in common with your ex. And also your ex. What they did in posting that photo was really lame, IMO. You don't need any more of that!

[Rbo407]

Well the new relationship was pretty much doomed from that day. I was never able to make a solid connection with her although she was head over heels for me. We made it till a few weeks ago and I broke it off bc she was falling for me deeper and deeper and I just wasn’t feeling it and didn’t want to hurt her worse then she would have been. We lasted 2 months. Already seeing someone else but I’m already seeing the same pattern starting so I’ll probably end it sooner then later with the new new one as well. 
 

im still too f***ed up from my previous relationship. Still hung up on her, still think about and miss her every day. Going on month 5 now and I’m still hurting, but the pain is slowly starting to fade. I’m still blocked from everything of my ex and she hasn’t reached out to me for anything at all. I’ve given up hope completely of trying to get her back and I’ve just sunk into a deep depression. Went to therapy for awhile but since I’ve developed a terrible drinking problem my Theripist discharged me and told me I should probably think about going back to rehab. (I’ve been blackout drinking basically every night now for months since my breakup, I never had a problem with alcohol till now) 

 

I just feel empty. Like a shell of a person going through the motions. I don’t think I’m capable of loving anyone right now. Not even myself. 

[mrs rubble]

I don't think you have any business dating anyone at all right now, it's been 5 months since the break-up and then you had a New girl for another 2 months and now are dating again!!!

Dude you really need to look out for yourself and not date anyone for a while, join some clubs or meet up groups, get out and meet new people, for friendship and connection, not partner hunting.

I've read all the replies here and there is a load of good advice, especially Marks advice, go back and reread everyone's comments and follow their advice.

I found a whole new group of friends and my husband when I joined a club, after my divorce. It changed my life for the better.

[Daisydooks]

On 1/15/2020 at 12:40 PM, Rbo407 said:

have been in therapy as well as a seeing a shrink and was recently diagnosed with bipolar manic depression on top of my ocd

Are you on meds for these things? Doing therapy for these things? What came of this diagnosis? Your shrink just said go get help for your drinking and then they can help you? I agree. You need to be sober for any of this therapy or meds to work. I cant imagine what mental health and alcohol abuse look like together. I know it is a "great" distraction  from reality to drink and date and forget your problems, but your problems will follow you until you address them and you're becoming a shell of a man you once knew for a woman who "wants to date herself." She is mind f***ing you and she needs to come down off the pedestal you placed her on 

What if I said there is no cosmic connection  between you and what you're feeling is not only normal, but warranted? Of course you're hurting. Its only been 5 months. You spent years together. Of course it hurts. It's normal.  But you need to actually feel it properly and go through this pain. You're currently covering it up by clouding your mind with booze and other women. Are you so bad that you cant stand yourself alone? Is being alone THAT bad? Why? You dont have to answer all this here for us, but I want you to at least ask yourself the rough and tough stuff. The booze has got to go. The flow of women you're hurting has got to stop. You dont want any of them and in my mind, when you're more healthy, you wont want your ex either because you will see this for what it is. I say this because no healthy woman mocks and trolls her ex and plays games like she is once she fears you're moving on. She does NOT want you. She just doesnt want you happy elsewhere. Plain and simple. She wants to keep you sick and dependent, even though it's the exact reason she dumped your ass. She gains something by being in control and she enjoys knowing you're still hurting over this. That's not a solid woman you need in your life - which is why you need to remove her from this pedestal and get the cosmic connection nonsense out of your head. Tell yourself something different. Have a different dialogue going in your head. What your brain currently is telling you is incorrect and this woman is also unhealthy, especially for you. 

Outside of getting into treatment for alcohol, once sober, I hope you're able to see more clearly. None of these relationships were healthy. Not even the one with your ex. People manage issues IN relationships and stay together. She left time and time again, when things got hard. How do you spend forever with someone who is alway one foot out the door? Either you didnt hear her, or she didn't communicate. Taking breaks is a disaster as it only causes more pain than necessary (seen here where you are heart broken and dating other women who you're now hurting) when couples should be coming together to work their issues out within the relationship. Not once has a "break" meant anything other than a break up. It's over. 

Time and space rarely work to bring people together so youve been misguided if you felt "breaking up to take care of yourselves" is what needed to happen. Working through hard times TOGETHER brings people together. 

She seems to be single and happy that way. You should do the same. Find happiness alone. You wont be happy in any relationship until you're content alone.  You dont end things when things get hard. You stick together. You guys haven't done that at all, ever. When things get hard, she ends it because she cant or wont speak to you or you cant or wont hear her. Its toxic. 

On 1/15/2020 at 12:40 PM, Rbo407 said:

Maybe it’s bc I wanted to find someone more broken then myself thinking two broken people can heal each other. I actually tried to leave my new gf once already because she started showing mannerisms reminiscent to my crazy abusive 10 year ltr ex, but maybe my recent ex (the one that broke me so bad) put thoughts in my head. When I did try to leave her she absolutely lost her mind so no I feel obligated to take care of this new gf

You cant even take care of yourself. You have NO business trying to take care of others. All you're doing is neglecting your own problems so you dont have to look inward and you're focusing on other women to fill time in hopes your ex comes back. She isnt coming back. Even if she did, she isnt healthy for you and will leave again at the first sign of trouble because you've done no work on yourself with your time apart. She will recognize that immediayely  and be back out the door as fast as she came in it.

In fact, you're worse off than the day she dumped you now. All you're doing with this time is drinking and screwing other women. How does that help you? 

You havent even begun to take care of yourself. Start there. Stop dating for the love of everything holy. Jesus. Stop it. All you're doing is making your life an absolute train wreck. Take care of you. You cant pour from an empty cup and its time you refill it. No woman will refill it. Get sober. Stay sober. Stop touching alcohol. My dad was an alcoholic. I had my moments where I lacked the control and definitely did stupid things while drinking. Since I cant trust myself drinking, I cannot and do not even have one. I no longer drink. I had no issue quitting, but I very much was a problem drinker because what I did while drinking was often stupid/bad/not healthy. So I needed to stop for good and forever. 

It isnt fun for me to ruin my life, so no booze for me. I know it numbs the pain in the moment. You have to wake up though and each night you refuse to feel things, is another day this continues. Each day you wake up from drinking last night is your new day 1. How many day 1s would you like to face? You have to walk through this pain to manage it and grow from it. By drinking, you are keeping yourself stuck at day one of the break up. 

 

23 hours ago, Rbo407 said:

Already seeing someone else but I’m already seeing the same pattern starting so I’ll probably end it sooner then later with the new new one as well. 

Stop! End it today. Like after you read this message. Get help. Get sober. Feel what you need to feel. Learn to love yourself alone. Manage your mental health with your shrink once sober. Then maybe consider dating again in a few years. You're literally jumping from one train wreck to the next.... and you're the reason for the wreckage because you are the train that never stops running . 

Edited February 11, 2020 by Daisydooks