Ex finally reached out, I want her back, what do I do?

[Rbo407]

*Warning. Long thread*. Okay, not really one for airing my dirty laundry and I’ve always made my own decisions based off my own judgement on such things, but I’m in the fight of my life to save my relationship before it’s gone forever and I’m fearing it may be too late. -her name is Kim. I really need some help or advice with this, because she really is the love of my life and we were not a little fling that lasted a few weeks or months. We were in a serious relationship for several years but it took some work from day one. I just don’t know how much fight I have left in me because I’m tired of hurting. I still want to try to get her back one more time before I completely just move on, which she has already done. Our relationship isn’t really considered “normal “ for status quo so to give you a better perspective of what is going on, I’ll explain the whole story start to finish of how it started, what went wrong, and how it finally ended, as this is a unique case.

 

 

In 2015 I had posted a want ad for vintage stereo gear on a website called Nextdoor. She responded asking if I could fix her vintage turntable but I wasn’t interested in repairing stuff. Only getting more for my collection, so I ignored her. A year passed and every time I’d post a want ad for something old, she would always pop up with “don’t forget about my turntable “

 

I looked at her profile pic and she was actually kinda cute, but I was in the process of winding down a 10 year relationship that I tried to make work and stayed way past the expiration date, but it was a nasty abusive relationship that I was sick of anyway, and really just wanted out of. Only reason I held on to her is because I didn’t want to be alone. -her name is Tiffany.

 

A few evenings later we struck up a brief conversation and realized we were extremely close neighbors, only 4 houses away, which was interesting so I asked to message me on Facebook since it would be easier. When she did she sent me a friend request and I accepted. We immediately realized we were on the same page on a lot of things, had a lot of the same interests and viewpoints, and just started talking to each other a lot.

 

One night. January 28, 2017 it was about 49 degrees and absolutely freezing, and my house has no heat. I was absolutely freezing and she invited me over for a drink. They say that love at first site isn’t something real, but the second we locked eyes, I just knew she was the one before we even said a word. I just knew it. We both like old mid-century knickknacks, kitchy stuff, old furniture and older stuff in general and showed me all her stuff around the house. Thinking it would just be a drink and a short meet and greet, we ended up hanging out and talking for 9 hours literally till the sun came up. We had the most explosive chemistry between us that either of us ever knew before. She is 13 years older than me, single mom with two kids, several years divorced, college educated, liberal, atheist, and extremely vocal feminist. Me on the other hand at the time, was a conservative republican, Christian, sort of a trumper, no college degree and no kids, however we just vibe so well we got along like we had known each other our whole lives. It was a surreal, spiritual event which I had never experienced in my life. She was older, but very attractive and just had an aura about her that drove me insane. Before the evening ended, I took a leap of faith and kissed her, which got very involved but she quickly stopped me, and we both agreed we had serious chemistry.

 

A few days passed and we started hanging out regularly on the weekends, having similar conversations just sitting on the porch hanging out drinking and smoking cigarettes till the wee hours of the morning, that soon turned into a sexual relationship but only for fun and nothing else, just friends with benefits, however we had also discovered we were extremely sexually compatible as well, more so then anyone, ever. This little fling we had continued for another month, but she realized she had too many other priorities in her life and just didn’t have time for a relationship, as she was beginning to see the potential for something more, but wasn’t able to spend as much time doing her own life with her own friends and family, so it just became this thing we did in secret which was not fulfilling to her, and she stopped talking to me.

 

Honestly she was fun and very convenient, but she was also lot older and I was interested in seeing other people anyway. Although it sucked to loose my easy to get Fwb, I had other interests of my own and wanted to find someone my own age and speed anyway. A few weeks passed and i found multiple other playmates for such things and was really enjoying myself. Then a 3rd week passed and I kinda started to miss her. Then a month passed and I was really missing her so I reached out to her, asked her to chat, and I went over and told her how i felt. She wasn’t really feeling it but entertained the idea of seeing me again, and several days later she was home early from work as was I, and she dragged me into the house for some casual sex. Like ripping cloths off kind of sex and it was explosive! Not long after that, she finally gave in and got into a full blown relationship with me, and we discovered we both loved each other as much as the other. We ended up moving in together only 3 months after we went official in June of 2017. She has 2 kids that I basically saw as my own and was more in their lives then the father was. We had many trips and adventures together, but we lived in the moment and really didn’t look at the future. I did, but she didn’t. Over the course of the next two years, we settled into a normal family life. We had everything. Pets, stuff, both good jobs etc. very healthy sex life and in the time we were together, not once, EVER, did we have a nasty fight or argument. No cheating, no abuse of any kind, however I got complacent with things and a bit too comfortable. I stopped taking care of business not only now my own, but household stuff as well. She was planning the trips, doing the cooking, etc and all the other domestic stuff and I really wasn’t. I was too busy just having fun in the bliss I was in with her that I wasn’t seeing the bigger picture. She was getting fed up and damn fast. Soon thereafter, the stress fractures started to appear, along with the out of the blue ultimatums, first one around this time, last year. “All or nothing” first, because I simply wasn’t doing my part. I’d pick up but backslide after a few weeks when things cooled down between us. She gave me the same ultimatum in April, and the same thing happened. I needed to change for her, or I was toast.

 

There were some other issues as well. I have some mental health problems and have had a lot of past trauma that I never dealt with and take several medications for it, including OCD and an anxiety disorder. Life was so good for me that I decided to stop taking one of the medications.. TOTAL bonehead move. I went from already kinda messed up, to having a brain full of scrambled eggs. During this time I also stopped hanging with a lot of friends and focused on our family life but on my end and my needs, and not hers, even though I thought i was. I wasnt doing the domestic stuff, I got co-dependent on her for my own happiness and turned needy which was something I never had been before. I also didn’t really contribute to the bills either, as I owned my own house around the corner that I just used as a hangout for myself and totally neglected her house (where I was living)

 

It finally came to a head at the end of July. After months and months of resentment building and fighting with herself over it again and again, she dumped me...

 

I knew we were having issues but i couldn’t change for her, and when I finally woke up and started to do my part, it was too little too late. When she dropped me, my world went completely upside-down, as this was my family. She lost a boyfriend that was kind of a bum. I lost an entire family, along with all our dreams and goals. I fell into a deep deep depression and completely lost myself in heartache and sorrow, but we did not excommunicate each other during the breakup. We still stayed in touch.

 

Towards the end of august, she was starting to miss me as much as I missed her or so I thought. She realized she lost a genuinely good guy with a heart of gold for her, and that was also her best friend, and decided to give us a second look. We got back together, sort of for about a month but she was no longer emotionally available for me. There was no honeymoon period, and she really didn’t care about my feelings at all, and made everything about her and her only. She put up a wall and wouldn’t let me back in. The warm, compassionate, sensual, beautiful woman I fell madly in love with, was simply gone. She had a very different outlook on life in the month we were split. She realized she also lost herself in the relationship and had regained her own new self, which unfortunately did not include me in a huge way.

 

I didn’t take her needs into accountability, and was so hell-bent on getting our family all back together, trying to mend and fix months of damage over the course of a few weeks, that I really didn’t work on myself for me, but only for her and our relationship. over analyzing every single step and move she and I both made, I got WAY more needy then I ever was because my heart was scarred and she really didn’t think of it as her problem to deal with. I tried to put a timeline on things when I shouldn’t have, and pressured the hell out of her to let me back in, so I could prove to her I was the man of her dreams. I also developed major insecurities in the relationship which I never had before, because I didn’t really trust her anymore even though I should have just had faith and let things naturally fall into place, instead of rushing her back into a full time life with me.

 

On September 29th, that morning I had that nasty feeling in my gut once again, and she told me again, “I can’t do this anymore, I tried but I just can’t” -this time it was final, with no hope of ever being able to mend things. She told me she had lost romantic feelings for me, only loved me as a friend, and couldn’t torture me anymore.

THAT, was truly the saddest moment of my entire life. I do not think I have ever cried over anything so hard and so long. She grabbed my hand and was crying too, because that was the final nail for us. We argued, I grabbed a few things from her house that were mine, said a few choice words and left. I proceeded to block her here to holy hell from all social media accounts, deleted all our photos and posts and she did the same. We have not spoken since.

 

Unfortunately, we live in very close proximity to each other. 4 houses away. So while my heart is smashed to a million pieces, I also have to hear her comings and goings. The kids distant voices and dogs barking echoing off the houses, it is absolutely sheer hell for me, and I am falling into a deep deep depression over it.

I’m Barley eating anything, crying for hours on end, drinking myself under the table so I can get more then a few hours of sleep and not dream of her, the kids, and the life we had, and I’m generally a total mess over it.

 

I reached out to her less then a handful of times which my messages were not answered, and finally gave up all hope last weekend.

 

I am going through the absolute heartbreak of my life. What started as the cutest sweetest little love story, has turned into a nightmarish depressing hell i can’t fix or escape.

 

We had a very very special bond. More then most ever find. I know she still cares about me, but has moved on with her life.

 

I fought for her once, and fought for her twice, but I don’t know if I have it in me to fight for her again. I was done dating, I found my other person, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

Without seeming creepy, or needy, or weird, how in gods name do I get her back this time? She is worth fighting for to me. Maybe not to others, but she is to me.

 

Help me, PLEASE.

[kendahke]

Pro tip: there is no fighting for anything.

 

Do you mean drag her kicking and screaming down a path she's let you know she doesn't want to go down with you?

 

If she doesn't want to be with you, nothing you can do will change that. Turn your sights on a new girl and make a vow to yourself to not do what you did to blow up your previous relationships.

[smackie9]

Sorry but she's ran for the hills, because she don't want to go there again. Now that you have learned from your mistake....take that and apply that to your next relationship. I'm sure once you let go, and heal, you will be ready to meet someone that will make your ex a distant memory.

I understand OCD doesn't give you an off switch. Focus on shutting all this off, and think about something else with the help of a therapist.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think it's clear she cared about you, and she wanted to try again, but living together in a long-term relationship wasn't workable for whatever reasons.

 

While we all have aspects of ourselves that can use improvement, if you feel you have to change drastically to make things work with someone, I say it's probably not a good match.

 

I broke up with someone 5 months ago, and it wasn't because I didn't love him. The issues were somewhat different, but the fact is he had certain issues that made me feel unsettled and unable to embrace a long-term future with him. We had several breaks and breakups in our short time together, until I finally insisted we stay apart, as it was clear he was getting hurt more each time and it wasn't getting anywhere.

 

Even if it's not meant to be with someone, you can be thankful for the love and great times you shared and wish them the best for the future. There's not much better you can do than that.

[Interstellar]

Hi Rbo407,

 

I find it rather amusing that her first message to you was she needs you to fix her turntable. You should’ve replied with something smarta** such as, “I’ll fix your turntable if you come over and clean my entire house..” Send it right back to her face.

 

How come your house has no heat? Are you employed?

 

Things are always great in the beginning but like most men you forgot what got her heart in the first place is what’s gonna keep her. After a a few months to a year when they get the girl, men have a tendency to relax and think they could do no wrong. They tell themselves,” That’s it, I don’t have to make anymore effort, she’s madly in love with me.” Guys start becoming complacent, he starts slacking off and not putting as much effort in himself and the relationship. Women hate the word “complacent” my friend. In fairness, you have to tell the guy that he’s lowering your interest level because of his actions. Tell him early on in straight english, not womanese. Guys also buy into the Hollywood nonsense of baring their soul to their woman, essentially making her your mother or therapist. It’s all Hollywood brainwashing and it doesn’t keep the girl.

 

My friend when interest level drops below the Mason Dixon line there is no getting her back. It’s past the point of no return. It’s over and that’s what you have here.

 

So you were also in an abusive relationship prior? and you stayed ten years with her? You should’ve read that one sooner and got out of there! But you just keep making the same mistakes, and after this you’re gonna make the same mistakes with the next girl. You should never, ever be afraid to be alone my friend. We came here alone and we’re gonna leave the earth alone. It’s much better to be alone than in a relationship that has no love and affection. She’s also older than you by ten years, you should’ve gotten someone closer to your age, women have ten years lead time over guys so she’s too mature for you.

 

I’m sorry to say but your relationship is over, and that’s the best part. You may be hurting right now but it will certainly get better. I’ve been there. We’ve all been there. Time heals all wounds. You just have to buckle down and stay strong because the next few months aren’t gonna be easy. For the meantime, work on yourself. Do some real soul searching. You keep making the same mistakes with women and you’ll keep making them and getting your heart broken over and over and over again if you don’t figure it out. Message me, I know a guy that can help you. Do phone coaching with him.

Edited October 12, 2019 by Interstellar

[Twizzlestick]

Hey OP

 

Well, I’m terribly sorry to hear your pain. You post was well written though so props to you given your situation!

 

Agree with interstellar. I too came on here, literally one stormy dark December night last year when I’d been dumped (for the second time) after 11 years. It broke me into pieces. I can promise you, whilst I’m not out of it, I’m not in the same place I was last Dec. It does get better.

 

I can’t dictate a path for you. Say do this do that, but I can try and suggest some things. What helped for me was making a change, in my case I moved away. Appreciate in your case that may not be easy. Is there any other change you can make? Maybe a new job you’re persueing, a new hobby. You’re doing the right thing by no contact (NC)

 

I can tell you for the longest time, and perhaps my brain even thinks it now I did NC for the wrong reasons. To get her back. Some people will ride your backside for that, but don’t stress it. It only will hurt yourself, not her, to do it for the wrong reasons (when you realise it doesn’t work to get her back). But the main thing is you’re in NC. After a while you’ll realise being in NC is for you and your motives will shift naturally.

 

With severe pain you can’t flick a switch overnight and move into acceptance. No matter how hard we all try and tell you. It’s the same as grief. But it starts with the message. It is over. You must forget the idea of fighting for her back. That road leads to ruin.

 

Priority number one though is lay off the booze. That also leads to ruin. That’s probably the worse thing for keeping you where you are, it’s like petrol on a fire. Nasty stuff in breakups, booze. It’s your nasty little enemy during your pain.

 

Whilst you’re a new passenger on board this pain train you’ve suddenly been given a ticket for its very natural that you shoulder all the guilt. Your post is peppered with it. Taking all the responsibility. Whilst healthy in the long run to reflect on your part and learn, I can assure you it’s more than highly likely that it wasn’t “just you”. You likely were not a good match. The dynamic just wrong, maybe imperceptibly. However right it felt in other ways. For example, people don’t slip into codependency without having the other matching side, like a jigsaw puzzle. That’ll all come with time and one day you’ll go “yeah actually that wasn’t quite right that bit of it”

 

I can recommend a couple of resources that really helped me (I’m not in anyway connected to these things! It’s just stuff I use)

 

1/An online blog called “magnet of success”. Just type that in google. There’s a section at the top called “blog”. Click on that and it takes you to “breakup”. Some very inspiring articles. You have to scroll through using the “olderposts” function at the bottom

 

2/ YouTube videos by “dating guy” and “love chat”

Edited October 12, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[chillii]

You might think you had all this stuff but for many reasons not just stuff you didn't do , there were big things in her too , it flopped , twice.

There was other stuff about it all going on with you both so in the end it just wasn't for real.

You won't change that even if you both weaken and tried again , you can only rug sweep real things for so long.

The good news for you is you might think it was this and that and she was so wonderful but when reality stuck , quite a few times actually in all that, it just wasn't she wasn't and together you just weren't .

Sooooo, that means you just weren't right for each other butttt, there's someone else out there that is.

let it go , it couldn't have gone anywhere that's pretty obvious but , one day someone better will come along and that will.

[Calmandfocused]

Op you’ve received some excellent advice so far. I’m going to add to it.

 

1) Go to the breakup forum on this site. There’s some excellent tips on ways of coping with grief and heartbreak.

 

2) get some help with your OCD. CBT is effective with OCD. Medication helps but really all it does is paper over the cracks. Treat the cause, not the symptoms.

 

3) Get into a new routine immediately that focuses on you. This includes eating, drinking and sleeping even if you can only do a bit at a time.

 

4) Take comfort from the fact that you are currently riding an emotional sea and you will get to dry land. In time.

 

5) Focus your goal on recovery not getting her back. What you described in your op are perceptive fantasises which are keeping you trapped in the illusion that you are “meant to be together”. No, this is not true. You’re meant to be apart and eventually with someone else.

 

Hope that helps.

[Rbo407]

Well eventually time has come and gone, and she unblocked me so we could communicate about when I can pick up the rest of my stuff from her place.

 

A few friends have talked to her about where she sees everything and got some Anwsers about where she sits on all of this.

 

The good..

 

Has nothing but nice things to say about me.

She is not mad at me

Thinks the world of me and that I’m a really sweet guy

Asked how I was doing

Asked if I had still quit smoking

Glad I didn’t go back to my previous ex before her

She was never really pissed, just sad and disappointed that I didn’t do the work on myself that I needed to do when I was with her. (Seek therapy, fix meds, get a life outside the relationship and love myself, and not rely on her as my only scource of happiness)

She only wants the best for me

She knows I love her

 

The bad...

 

She only unblocked me so I could get my stuff, and wants it gone soon.

She wants to be alone, she is happier that way.

She has no interest in speaking to me at all about anything but getting my stuff

She will talk to me eventually, but she thinks it’s best we have absolutely zero contact at all for now. -is this a cracked door? Slight hope of a possible future? It sounds bad but I want to take anything at all as a possibility of hope. I truly love this woman and the pain isn’t going away.

 

She wanted radical change in ways I couldn’t do bc she had planned to dump me months in advance and had already moved on to the next chapter of life. I got a gut punch and when she decided to give it another shot, we had only been split for a few weeks. Instead of going slow I was in crisis mode still with a smashed heart frantically trying to get our little family back together under one roof making her feel pressured, I became needy clingy and constant reassurance, which is horrible. I should have taken it slow at her pace but time had not passed.

 

We stayed in constant contact thru the breakup and it was only a few weeks and nobody can make major changes in such a short amount of time. I really think we should have stayed broken up longer and then tried again after we both had time to process our emotions and time to work on ourselves. It was not fair to either of us

 

I love this woman enough to not want to give up on her just yet, and I know she still cares about me. I want to pursue her again and I don’t care if I get dumped again, but this time I have actually been doing the work she needed me to do, and know what she wants. I don’t know how to approach this without her feeling pressured or awkward. I at least want her to believe in me enough to give me a second look, now that some time has passed.

 

Please guys, I need advice. I really don’t want to play the field again and we had a really great relationship while it lasted.

 

There’s gotta be something I can do to peak her interest and want to talk to me again.

 

I also don’t want to look like a creeper because I’m not.

 

Please help.

[Ruby Slippers]

Your situation reminds me very much of my breakup in May.

 

I think the best you can do is try to keep at least a distant friendship, and if and only if these changes are good for you and something you want to do regardless of who you're with, start taking steps to make them happen.

 

You don't change your life overnight. But maybe if you're making steady progress, she'll consider another go-round someday. And if not, you've still done something good for yourself by making those positive changes, and that'll help you do better in your next relationship.

[Twizzlestick]

Hey OP

 

In answer to your Q’s. Go and check those links I recommended in my post. They’ll point you where to go.

 

You’re listening to her, but not hearing. You mention wanting to fight etc. It’s all noise. You can’t anymore. It’s like trying to have a discussion in an empty room when someone has left. There is no fight to be faught.

 

Your best way and the ONLY way not to make her even madder is to withdraw troops. She has told you to leave her alone.

 

Your pain will not start to ease whilst you’re still trying to persue. I’ve been there. It’s a cycle of going round in your head of scheming and thinking. Scheming new ways to get her back and analysing every bit of contact for hope. It keeps you locked in. And all the while you’ll be making her mad. She will get really mad if you don’t leave her alone. Like, blocking again, telling you nasty things, getting angry. That’ll make you feel even worse.

 

That time has come and gone. Your best action - looks like inaction. But it’s not. Withdraw troops. Check out those links. Everything else in your head, all the misguided notions of chivalrous chasing is just noise. It’s the pain talking. It’s lying to you. The pain will get better if you follow the advice.

 

Co dependant reles are very hard to extricate from when they tank. I was in that situation last DEC after 10 years. Consider counselling (it’s not a magic bullet). Co dep isn’t something you can easily talk yourself out of.

[Rbo407]

I want to try to get us back together but it’s pretty grim at the moment , or I need help on either getting over her or trying to get her to give it another shot. Our relationship was sort of unique but I guess everyone’s is in some ways. Here’s the dynamic, the what made us, us, and what killed it.

 

I got involved with a neighbor who lives around the corner from me. Started out as a fwb situation on the down low for a few months, but she broke it off bc she didn’t think we were compatible and there was too much she wanted to change about me. A few months later we started talking again and ended up in a full-blown LTR living together almost 2 years. We had a very happy and fun time together all the way up till the end. She fired 2 warning shots for me to shape up which I didn’t, and dumped me. It absolutely shattered me to a million pieces but she kept in touch with me. The next month after the breakup she had second thoughts and we gave it a second go. She wanted to take it super slow on her terms, but I was in crisis mode trying to put our family back together under one roof (she has 2 kids that I also love), that I pushed her too hard, got needy, suspensions, developed trust issues, and still wasn’t doing the work on myself I was supposed to do. We only lasted 3 weeks before she dropped me again, friend zoned me, this time it’s no contact unless it’s figuring out a time for me to get my stuff, and that’s it. She deleted blocked and unfriended me from everything all the way down to our Fitbit accounts.

 

I was too busy trying to fix us that I didn’t fix myself, which is what I was supposed to do. This combined with the desperation, neediness, and emotional drain caused her to run again.

 

There was no cheating or fighting. No abuse of any kind at all. We had a million things in common, had explosive chemistry and an unbelievable sex life. I don’t know how to handle this at all.

 

Problem is I’m 35 and she is 47 almost 48. She says she just lost romantic interest in me and is moving on with her life.

 

I don’t know what to do. I want to try to win her back and keep her this time. Or somehow deal with the absolutely awful heartache I’m going thru without her.

[preraph]

You were acting from desperation and not doing what you needed to do to fix whatever it was she couldn't tolerate, and then reacting with more desperation was certainly the wrong move.

 

Sounds like you can't help yourself, and sounds like she has lost attraction for you because of it and the other problems, and you should just go lick your wounds and stop acting in desperation to get her back. Once a woman loses the attraction, it's gone.

 

Time to just accept it's over. The sooner you do, the sooner you find someone new.

[rightondude]

brother I hate to tell you but you ain't getting her back anytime soon. Why would you want to? You haven't fixed yourself yet and it will just end again, maybe worse this time. The best thing you can do for yourself, and the only chance you have of getting her back, is to fix yourself. Make yourself into the man you need to be and that she MIGHT want back in her life. It will take awhile. You yourself said your original breakup needed to be longer.

 

If you have the means, you need to move. Or get away for a little while and clear your head. being right down the street is going to make what's terrible now even worse.

 

Good luck in rebuilding yourself. It can be done, I promise.

[preraph]

Sounds like everything was about convenience to you. I don't know what made you think you could just sit back and not really contribute anything but sex and make it last, but you yourself said you were happy as a clam doing just that.

 

Learn some lessons from it and move on. You can't make someone take you back. She's not your mother.

[assertives]

She wanted radical change in ways I couldn’t do bc she had planned to dump me months in advance and had already moved on to the next chapter of life. I got a gut punch and when she decided to give it another shot, we had only been split for a few weeks. Instead of going slow I was in crisis mode still with a smashed heart frantically trying to get our little family back together under one roof making her feel pressured, I became needy clingy and constant reassurance, which is horrible. I should have taken it slow at her pace but time had not passed.

 

We stayed in constant contact thru the breakup and it was only a few weeks and nobody can make major changes in such a short amount of time. I really think we should have stayed broken up longer and then tried again after we both had time to process our emotions and time to work on ourselves. It was not fair to either of us

 

You are going about this wrong. If the changes were about you not pulling your weight and being an equal partner to her, the time to make changes was not during the weeks that you guys were broken up. But it was in between those ultimatums she gave you. If the changes was about your own emotional health/stability/growth, then it's working on yourself for you. Not her or anyone else. Changes like these do take awhile, sometimes years, and is often an ongoing work in progress. She likely does understand and see that, but she has the choice to decide if she wants to stick around and wait for you, and she doesn't.

 

Ultimately, you guys are at very different places in life. She is pushing 50, had and raised kids, married and divorced and is likely very comfortable and secured in where she is in life. While you on the other hand is still finding yourself, and doesn't sound like you worked through your issues and bringing your codependency issues over from your past relationship. You guys are not compatible beyond the surface compatibility of hobbies, sex and interests. Hell, you guys are not even compatible domestically speaking.

 

Please guys, I need advice. I really don’t want to play the field again and we had a really great relationship while it lasted.

 

There’s gotta be something I can do to peak her interest and want to talk to me again.

 

 

Nope. It's over. There's nothing to "fight" and pushing it will only make you come across as creepy and someone who cannot take no for an answer. She has lost romantic interest in you. Also, especially since she is someone that way ahead of you in terms of emotional stability and where she is in life, she knows exactly what she wants and do not want. Piquing her interest in talking to you only remains as that, friendly, cordial (maybe at most fwb), but she's not the woman you are going to end up with.

Edited October 18, 2019 by assertives

[Flame Aura]

OP please stop embarrassing yourself further as that's what you are doing right now and accept it's over and there is no getting her back and move on with your life.

[Highndry]

She only needed 3 weeks to realize that, yeah, she was done with you. This one is over for good. You need to respect her wish for no contact and move on.

[Twizzlestick]

...or I need help on either getting over her.

 

The options sprinkled either side of this are NOT options. What I’ve quote is the sole item should be focussing on my friend. It will not feel like it, but go NC and you’ll start to want to detach to escape the pain. It will get better. It won’t, if you don’t give over notions of talking her round. She’s done, you can’t.

 

 

 

,

 

The next month after the breakup she had second thoughts

 

I was too busy trying to fix us that I didn’t fix myself,

 

Ok rumour control, here are the facts (you can’t beat a film quote)

 

Whilst I “could” make an armchair stab at psychology and give you some input as to why it tanked. Make sure I hand you a nice little plate of blame that you don’t need shortly after being dumped in an inappropriate stage of your recovery,I won’t.

 

Why? Well for one it would be false. Human relationships are tremendously complex. I can assure you that deep down behind all the little maggots it never is quite as simple as first glances. For one instance we only have your story as sole evidence. People recently dumped , in severe pain are notoriously unreliable witnesses to fact - their accounts usually riddled with guilt, dramatic emphasis on perceived failings and self blame.

 

The take away? I bet my bottom dollar, that whilst you did indeed play a part, the dynamic was not just you. It takes a trained person in psychology a long time to unpack a relationship, accurately, effectively and proportionately and lay the bones and component parts before you. With time your own mind will naturally take this task on itself. At an appropriate stage of dealing with the loss, your mind will naturally reflect on not only your own story in this, but your partner’s input and ownership. It’s actually part of the grief process.

 

Now for some facts. This will make you feel waaay better. That bit in quotes above? Forgot it. There is NO WAY. Hear me, no way you can effectively be expected to have “worked on yourself” a month after being dumped.

 

You’re a mark 1 human, not a cyborg. You would have sprung from tremendous pain, to relief to doubt in pretty short order. It is incredibly ineffective and completely pointless for your ex to have reconciled under the banner of assessing a month after dumping you and generating one of the most painful feelings a human can be put through. I can further tell you, her springing back is a common theme, and seated in quite a disingenuous motive. It’s like a reverse of buyers remorse. She likely doubted due that uncomfortable emptiness that follows dumping someone. Those rising insecurities and annoying little voices on the shoulder. She cracked and sought refuge in you, reattaching to sooth those doubts and insecurities. It was actually an act of true selfishness, not in the pejorative sense, just a factual sense. You quite literally, did not stand a chance. So give over berating yourself.

 

Successful reconciles happen. If they happen way way down the road, many months or years later.

 

Your sole focus is YOU. And getting better, detaching. Hear that, you. Not reconcile.

 

Good luck

Edited October 18, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[vla1120]

...but this time I have actually been doing the work she needed me to do, and know what she wants. I don’t know how to approach this without her feeling pressured or awkward. I at least want her to believe in me enough to give me a second look, now that some time has passed

 

What you did not take into consideration when you were with your neighbor was that she is a very busy single mother who was hoping for a grown man to help with the household and family obligations she has. I get the feeling she viewed you more as another dependent living under her roof.

 

Unfortunately, it may be too late for her to give you a third chance. HOWEVER, by you making this changes, you are doing something for YOURSELF that will help in a future relationship. Doing it for yourself is far more important than doing it for her.

 

If she happens to notice the improvements you are making, great, but don't ever make changes only to please someone else. Any changes you make should be for your own benefit.

[Rbo407]

Well she broke NC yesterday again to tell me something about vaping and tinnitus (we both have it). Then went on to mention she ran into my uncle at the grocery store and how awkward it was. Seemed like a lighthearted convo, but she immediately went into that it was 100% over and there was absolutely no hope at all of getting back together, that she moved on, she was gone, and that I needed to let go w/o me even saying anything.

 

She then went on to tell me I had to get the rest of my stuff from her house not later, but that day, so I had the pleasure of having to re-live all of the hurt all over again. She went out with friends and the kids so I didn’t have to see them. I went in, took my stuff, and left the key I still had on the stand next to the door. We did not block each other but we are not communicating either. Only reason we left the chat option open was in case of an emergency.

 

It hurts. It hurts like holy hell but there’s nothing I can do to change things and I hope I’m able to recover from this sooner then later. The fact that she is a close neighbor makes it way worse and harder. Today is her birthday but I’m not going to send her anything or say anything bc I don’t wanna look like the creepy ex that won’t move on.

 

 

It was about the convenience at first, bc she was just a fwb that I could get smashed with and have fun with, without having to risk a dui, but I caught major feelings for her bc of all the fun and common interests we had. Had nothing to do with convenience later, at all. After our first split I moved clear across town from her for about a month, and really only moved back to my old house so I could be close by while we were trying to figure everything out. I am probably going to move far away so I can try to forget her quick as I can, as the holidays will be rough without her and the kids. I really don’t have anyone and she is very festive. We had magical thanksgivings and christmasis which I will miss terribly, and I will be alone.

 

Yes, she is at a different stage in her life. Almost 50, single and raising preteens. I’m 35 and still have a long way to go.

 

Either way I miss them all terribly and wish I could have done something different. Too late.

[mark clemson]

She will talk to me eventually, but she thinks it’s best we have absolutely zero contact at all for now. -is this a cracked door? Slight hope of a possible future? It sounds bad but I want to take anything at all as a possibility of hope. I truly love this woman and the pain isn’t going away. ...Please help.

 

<then later>

 

Well she broke NC yesterday ... Seemed like a lighthearted convo, but she immediately went into that it was 100% over and there was absolutely no hope at all of getting back together, that she moved on, she was gone, and that I needed to let go w/o me even saying anything.

 

So you saw where that went.

 

 

There’s gotta be something I can do to peak her interest and want to talk to me again.

 

Probably not in this case. She'll talk perhaps but won't restart the R, so it will probably just cause you distress. False hope is your worst enemy I think in this situation. It's just prolonging everything.

 

I am probably going to move far away so I can try to forget her quick as I can, as the holidays will be rough without her and the kids. I really don’t have anyone and she is very festive. We had magical thanksgivings and christmasis which I will miss terribly, and I will be alone.

 

Yes, she is at a different stage in her life. Almost 50, single and raising preteens. I’m 35 and still have a long way to go.

 

Either way I miss them all terribly and wish I could have done something different. Too late.

 

 

I think you're correct that it's too late. Moving sounds like a very good idea, esp. if you can rent your house, etc. She is thinking with her head only or mostly I think right now, and she simply doesn't have the same level of feelings about the end of the R.

 

You are doing the right thing here, hard as it must be. It will pay off when you eventually recover from this, move on fully, and find a new love who hopefully loves you back just as much.

[Twizzlestick]

OP if she keep contacting you can’t resist responding (I don’t blame you it’s really hard), send a text to stop it. A bit of advice given to me on here. I didn’t need to do it in the end as my ex didn’t ever contact me again.

 

If she does strike up yet another broken NC over something banal and you can’t resist getting drawn in, maybe something like..

 

“Hi, I won’t be around to chat for the near future as I need to focus on moving forward. Take care and Best wishes.”

 

Alternative is blocking. But I could never personally face that myself. Some folk go scorched Earth and delete, block the lot, burn effigies and all that. For me that was a bit too painful and felt counter productive to my own outlook.

 

Do whatever you need for you. What you do doesn’t matter, Whatever your method the point is do what you need to start NC. At least get going with it.

[rjc149]

 

I reached out to her less then a handful of times which my messages were not answered, and finally gave up all hope last weekend.

 

I am going through the absolute heartbreak of my life. What started as the cutest sweetest little love story, has turned into a nightmarish depressing hell i can’t fix or escape.

 

We had a very very special bond. More then most ever find. I know she still cares about me, but has moved on with her life.

 

I fought for her once, and fought for her twice, but I don’t know if I have it in me to fight for her again. I was done dating, I found my other person, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

Without seeming creepy, or needy, or weird, how in gods name do I get her back this time? She is worth fighting for to me. Maybe not to others, but she is to me.

 

Help me, PLEASE.

 

I admittedly didn't read you entire post as it was too long. This, I feel, is the relevant part as per your thread title.

 

You don't fight. You don't chase, beg, or plead.

 

Your *only* shot of getting her back is to never contact her again. As counter-intuitive as that sounds. Walk, never look back, and move on. The more you reach out, the more messages you leave, the more creepy, needy and weird you will appear, and the lower her attraction for you will drop.

 

DO NOT contact her again. Show her that you are strong, that you have other options as a desirable man, that you CAN move on. Either she contacts you at some point, or you never hear from her again. You need to accept that outcome.

 

Another poster suggested you go on Youtube and look up The Love Chat and Dating Guy. Go do it. Great channels for someone in pain like yourself.

[Libragirl1210]

Hi OP,

 

Unfortunately she has made it very clear that your relationship is over so all you can do now is accept what is and do your best to try and move on from it. Its only very early days and the way your feeling now will pass. All the best to you