Text from a female colleague

[Ambereyes]

Last night my BF got a text from his female colleague, like 6-ish. I dont know what the text is about as i didnt see the content. I also dont know what this woman is like as I never asked who he works with.

Reason I post this question is because BF has a work phone. I have seen colleagues texting him on that phone before so assumed work people will only contact him there. I was wondering why she has his personal number. 

My question: should I let it go, because BF has not done anything suspicious. Or should I ask all my questions, such as what was the text about, why does she has your number, what is she like ?

[Blind-Sided]

Absolutely drop it !!!

 

If he's not giving you any reason to worry... then don't.  If you make a problem, where there isn't one... those feelings will bleed over into reality, and could sabotage your relationship.

[snowboy91]

Not worth worrying about. Some people message out of standard work hours because it suits them. Or there's a major project going on that requires putting in extra time.

If the message came from a male colleague, would your reaction be different?

[Ambereyes]

6 minutes ago, snowboy91 said:

 

If the message came from a male colleague, would your reaction be different?

I was only hostile towards other females. 😛

[snowboy91]

3 minutes ago, Ambereyes said:

I was only hostile towards other females. 😛

And herein lies the problem. Very few workplaces today are all male, so it stands to reason that work communication will sometimes come from a female.

Making a fuss over it can only do more harm than good.

[Noproblem]

• Are you serious right now. I have so many male colleagues who have gfs I text them on FB or What's app sometimes. It does not mean anything .. 
• I feel you are over analyzing this.. It is just a text, and they could be friends, so what.! Not every female is trying to take your man.
• you need to trust him and also have more confidence in yourself!

[Ambereyes]

I know colleagues sometimes text each other. I just thought because he had a work phone, they'd just text there, so I was like "why is she texting his personal phone" 

[preraph]

So next time it happens, casually say, Why does she contact you on your personal phone?

[Ruby Slippers]

21 minutes ago, preraph said:

So next time it happens, casually say, Why does she contact you on your personal phone?

This is the correct answer. 

[mark clemson]

That's reasonable. You could also just find an opportunity to casually read the texts without making a big deal about it sometime when you happen to have his phone. Then you'd know what they're texting about.

If it happens once it's not weird. If it happens regularly that might be weird. If he's deleting those texts that's suspicious, potentially. If he's very possessive of his phone that's also a bit suspicious.

I know I'm overly paranoid and all (on your behalf). It's probably nothing. But I do a lot of reading and posting on the Inf and OM/OW sections and sometimes it's not..

[Ambereyes]

28 minutes ago, preraph said:

So next time it happens, casually say, Why does she contact you on your personal phone?

i wanted to ask that last night, but worried I'd look controlling, or insecure?

[Ruby Slippers]

It's a reasonable question. It's the insecure people who don't ask questions out of fear of loss. Secure people are fine asking reasonable questions. 

[preraph]

Do it at the time it happens and don't ask him afterwards like now about last night, and the key is to just keep it casual and direct and wait for his answer. Don't keep talking out of nervousness. Don't present excuses he might use such as, I know she might be a friend or I know you might have your work phone turned off. Just the direct question and then shut up and listen. See if he has a simple direct answer or if he is floundering a bit. 

[Ambereyes]

I know from friends that BF and his ex broke up because she was the exact controlling type. I heard she did some terrible things out of her own insecurity (like accuse him of cheating in front of everyone, despite how well he actually treated her) and apparently he was really hurt. 

I'm trying to not appear like his ex. It's just a little hard to gauge sometimes. And Im also afraid maybe because of an ex like that, he will be extra sensitive towards questions like "who, why, when, what"..

Edited January 15, 2020 by Ambereyes

[mark clemson]

That is probably wise overall for this R.

[ExpatInItaly]

How do you feel about him having female friends? 

I’m in a committed, long-term relationship and I have two close platonic male fiends. I think nothing of communicating with them, as it’s nothing inappropriate  and we’re genuinely just friends. The same is true for my partner and his good female friends.

Now might be a good time to clarify where you both stand on opposite-sex friendships. 

 

[d0nnivain]

12 hours ago, Ambereyes said:

i wanted to ask that last night, but worried I'd look controlling, or insecure?

Asking a Q is not controlling or insecure.  Harping on it is a problem but one Q is just one Q.  It does seem reasonable to inquire about why she's contacting him on his personal phone --- presumably for personal reasons -- rather then on the work phone for business reasons, where the bosses could see the exchange.  

You aren't telling him not to talk to her after hours.  That would be inappropriate & controlling. 

You are simply wondering if there is something to be concerned about.  If they are simply friends, no harm no foul but keeping your eyes open rather then letting somebody play you for a fool is wise.  

[Interstellar]

You’re at best 50-50. Nothing concrete, nor you read what the message is about, you have nothing to stand on.

If you ask him it shows you’re insecure. I would only ask if it becomes a consistent pattern of behavior.

Edited January 15, 2020 by Interstellar

[preraph]

As concerns his ex, going by what he's told you which would be to assume that she had no foundation for her suspicions and was harping on him, by comparison one direct casual question should seem mild by comparison to her. 

 

You can't just let a guy till you that he wants you to overlook everything. If you ask right at the time it happens before he has a chance to make up a story you're more likely to be able to tell if he is nervous answering the question or if it immediately elicits a perfectly reasonable and understandable response without him getting defensive. Remember that defensiveness is often a sign of guilt. So if it gets real defensive from having to answer one little question, who's the harpie now?

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Asking a Q is not controlling or insecure.  Harping on it is a problem but one Q is just one Q.  It does seem reasonable to inquire about why she's contacting him on his personal phone --- presumably for personal reasons -- rather then on the work phone for business reasons, where the bosses could see the exchange.  

You aren't telling him not to talk to her after hours.  That would be inappropriate & controlling. 

You are simply wondering if there is something to be concerned about.  If they are simply friends, no harm no foul but keeping your eyes open rather then letting somebody play you for a fool is wise.  

Exactly. His ex and her behavior have nothing to do with YOU and your feelings.

Don't tiptoe around a man and carry discomfort you don't need to. He's a big boy. He can handle a reasonable question. 

Men respect and love women who are true to themselves and don't carry icky feelings on behalf of men. Pablo Picasso said: "There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats." Be a goddess, not a doormat.

[smackie9]

I got better advice for you....stop or just don't bother looking at his phone.

Edited January 15, 2020 by smackie9

[lurker74]

17 hours ago, Ambereyes said:

i wanted to ask that last night, but worried I'd look controlling, or insecure?

Asking is insecure. It's not the worst sin in the world to be insecure, but let's not kid ourselves. It's not a question asked from a secure place or you wouldn't be here. The way you ask could be controlling or not controlling, dependent on tone and context. Frankly, with no reason to be suspicious, it might be better to spend your energy asking yourself why you care. Maybe you do have reason to be suspicious subconsciously or maybe you are just being paranoid. But if you ask and he says, "I don't know...I guess that's the number she has..." are you going to suddenly feel better?

Probably not.

[preraph]

I don't find it suspicious if someone deletes their texts because I delete ALL my texts as soon they happen.  I hate clutter.

[mark clemson]

A fair point. If he doesn't normally delete texts but deletes specifically hers, that is suspicious (somewhat). Not a giant red flag with a siren on top suspicious, but a yellow flag IMO.

[OnlyHonesty]

On 1/15/2020 at 2:16 AM, Noproblem said:

• Are you serious right now. I have so many male colleagues who have gfs I text them on FB or What's app sometimes. It does not mean anything .. 
• I feel you are over analyzing this.. It is just a text, and they could be friends, so what.! Not every female is trying to take your man.
• you need to trust him and also have more confidence in yourself!

She may well be over analyzing, but then Ive worked in places where many were having 'secret' affairs behind their partners backs (some were caught years later). This will come down to trust.