I think I know what I have to do but don't want to let go.

[Temporary456]

Long post but please bear with me as I don’t have many people to talk to about this with and just need someone to listen.

 

I met this girl online earlier this summer (we’re both 20) and within a week it seemed like we’d been friends for years. We connected so quickly it was scary and we’re so similar I’m scared to ever lose what we have. We quickly transitioned to flirting talking literally 24/7 most nights ending up falling asleep while on the phone with eachother and spending nearly every second of our day texting/calling/playing stuff.

A couple weeks into this she mentions that she has a boyfriend who she has been with for quite some time, and I was torn and confused at the same time because if that’s the case then she 100% cheated on him in some ways (obviously not physically since we’re LD but pretty much anything else you could imagine). She mentions how they’ve been going through tough times and would always be crying about some problem with him every other day to me.

We set boundaries since she felt guilty about some stuff but the flirting continued. About a little longer than a  month later they break up and she’s obviously hurt but we naturally get closer after that (I knew it was a bad idea to not let her heal but I never directly asked her for a relationship, we’d just interact like we were together pretty much for a while)

She moves back into uni (they both go to the same school) and within a month its apparent that he’s still in her life and slowly she starts to see him around more and tells me she realizes she never got over him, feels lost, and asks us to just be friends while she clears her mind of the confusion.

I agree and tell her she can have time to think about what she wants and we stay friends for a bit. About a month and a half ago they start seeing eachother more and getting serious and although nothing has happened between them it’s clear that it’s only a matter of time before they’re officially back together at this point. 

Me thinking that she needed time to get over him is the reason I decided to not force her to stay in this sort of relationship thing we started after they broke up, I didn’t think she meant lets tone it down so I can try to reconnect with him first. So obviously as time passes I get upset and the other day I find out they had sex for the first time since their break up this week. It breaks me and I start questioning whether it’s even worth staying at this point if all I’m doing is hurting myself and hurting our friendship by being jealous. 

She says her brain sees her future with him but then admits she still loves me and thought she was over me for the most part but recently realized she isn’t over it as much as she thought she was (just seems like she’s saying stuff to keep me around now)

She can’t fully commit to us before meeting (which I mean I totally agree with I feel the same in a way) but even if we met and got along she’s mentioned at times how long distance would be hard bc she’s a physical person and doesn’t know if she could deal with only seeing each other every couple of months (again, understandable but the only seeing each other every couple months wouldn’t last forever and I was willing to make it work bc of how much I wanted it but I guess she’s not willing? No ill will towards her if thats how she feels but I just feel broken.)

We had plans for me to visit her this March to meet for the first time, but now that her ex is back in the picture although she says they’re not together, it seems like that’s where it’s heading and I don’t know if I can put myself through another 2 months of this especially with her feeling that way about him. I don’t know if I can survive 2 more months of them trying to rekindle their situation thinking if I visit then she’ll decide to give us a shot because she’s already choosing to try to get back with him and even if she chose me when we meet I’d have been a second option. Am I wrong for feeling awkward about meeting up to meet her and see if we are the same in real life if she is in this stage where she’s trying to reconnect with her ex? Why would I go?

 

Tl;dr : Met a girl early in the summer who had bf, broke up with said bf and we “dated” for maybe a month before she realized she thinks she wants to make it work with him again, and they just had sex for the first time since they broke up. She says she wants to meet before she can decide fully but is already trying to reconnect with her ex so why would I go visit to try to make it work at this point? I just feel like I need to cut ties because as much as I really don’t want to lose her and how much fun we have together, it’s starting to hurt too much to stick around and watch her rekindle things with her ex.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry for your pain, OP. 

You need to forget this girl. You have never even met her and your heart is already getting put through a blender. She's not exactly a great person either, if she was being inappropriate with you while still in the relationship with him before they broke up. Think about what that says about her character and moral compass. You'd forever be worrying she was doing the same thing behind your back. 

She likes the idea of you well enough, and the attention she gets from you when her on-off boyfriend isn't around or is making her upset, but her heart and mind are with him.

Don't bother going to see her in March. She is working on getting back together with her ex and has been clear that she doesn't think she could do long-distance anyway. You got emotionally attached, but she is not on the same page as you. 

Walk away before you get even more hurt. And in the future, don't get attached to girls online who are too far away to meet on a regular basis. It's a recipe for heartbreak. 

Edited January 15, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[salparadise]

6 hours ago, Temporary456 said:

as time passes I get upset and the other day I find out they had sex for the first time since their break up this week. It breaks me and I start questioning whether it’s even worth staying at this point if all I’m doing is hurting myself and hurting our friendship by being jealous. 

 

How exactly did you find this out? Is she doing a continuous narrative about her and this other guy? Dude, if you haven't even seen her, much less sexed her, there is no relationship. It's a fantasy, and it's taking a toll on you (not her though –– she's banging a live one). She's using you as an emotional tampon. My guess is that she never intends to meet up anyway. You need to quit this imaginary stuff and get a real girlfriend (or just quit fantasizing) before you find yourself in a psych ward. I wish there was a way to state this more emphatically.

[TeddyBundy1993]

Red flags all over mate. She overlapped/cheated with you.  Went back with him then wants you to be with her. Why you are enduring unnecessary heartbreak young man. This girls wants best of both world. And trust me even if you manage to get this girl she will overlap on you too. I m speaking from personal experience.  These days women in late 20ies dont know what they want this girl is yet to explore a lot more. Cut her off it's much better for long run shes no good for you. You'll end up in a psych ward just like the guy said above.   Be a man move on 

[Temporary456]

15 hours ago, salparadise said:

 

How exactly did you find this out? Is she doing a continuous narrative about her and this other guy? Dude, if you haven't even seen her, much less sexed her, there is no relationship. It's a fantasy, and it's taking a toll on you (not her though –– she's banging a live one). She's using you as an emotional tampon. My guess is that she never intends to meet up anyway. You need to quit this imaginary stuff and get a real girlfriend (or just quit fantasizing) before you find yourself in a psych ward. I wish there was a way to state this more emphatically.

I found out by basically pushing her to tell me what happened (it was a long story but I picked up on the clues and knew it basically happened so pushed her until she admitted it.) I think she really does want to meet up because even after this incident she’s always talking about how she wants to show me places and if I come there where we’ll eat and the places she’ll take me, but it all seems like she’s given up on the relationship aspect of this and even if she says she loves me, basically just sees me as a friend because her heart is with her ex. It sucks, and everything you say makes sense. Just hard to deal with the reality of it I guess..

[Temporary456]

16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm sorry for your pain, OP. 

You need to forget this girl. You have never even met her and your heart is already getting put through a blender. She's not exactly a great person either, if she was being inappropriate with you while still in the relationship with him before they broke up. Think about what that says about her character and moral compass. You'd forever be worrying she was doing the same thing behind your back. 

She likes the idea of you well enough, and the attention she gets from you when her on-off boyfriend isn't around or is making her upset, but her heart and mind are with him.

Don't bother going to see her in March. She is working on getting back together with her ex and has been clear that she doesn't think she could do long-distance anyway. You got emotionally attached, but she is not on the same page as you. 

Walk away before you get even more hurt. And in the future, don't get attached to girls online who are too far away to meet on a regular basis. It's a recipe for heartbreak. 

You’re right. I’ve thought about the fact that she basically cheated on him with me in the beginning, and how I’d always have that in the back of my mind if we truly got together. 

I guess it’s more the friendship that makes it hard to let go off. We talk for almost every hour of the day and still sometimes go to sleep/wake up on the phone together. It’s hard to imagine my days without her and since we have so much in common I’d love to have never even gotten to this point and just stayed friends because we would’ve been such good friends. But because of the feelings we have for eachother it breaks me to see her try to get back with someone she complained about to me and made her feel trash like he did at times, and I just can’t help but feel jealous when she sees him. 

In the end, you’re right. I think the best thing for me to do is to move on..

[Temporary456]

Also, does anybody have any tips on if it’s possible to stay friends with this girl? She’s such a big part of my life and my time spent daily with her is off the charts, and I’d love to keep that friendship with her. It’s just hard when I get annoyed if she sees him during the day or night because she doesn’t owe me anything but because of our feelings for eachother (even if mine seem to be a bit more) I find it hard to think about her being with him and stuff they do.

i really don’t want to take space because I know for a fact if I do, when I come back to try to be friends it just won’t be the same at all. But I feel like the only way I get over my feelings is by having some time apart.

[Temporary456]

To keep it short, I know long distance relationships to some aren’t actual relationships and I get it. 

I met her early summer and we clicked instantly and basically became best friends. Never have I met someone I connected with so quickly and on so many levels and it was scary. 

Well as great as it was, after about 2 months and moving back to uni she realized having her ex around made it hard for her to get over him and we broke it off because she wants to try to make it work with him again.

I’m obviously broken, and don’t want to be anybodies second choice so most of my hopes of a future with her romantically have died out, but I still have this love for her that makes me get jealous whenever she mentions her ex or if they’re going out somewhere. 

A normal person would just break it off and distance themselves to stop the pain right? I know it’s what I should do but we still talk like almost 24/7 from the second we wake up till sleeping and it’s just hard for me to willingly tell her I need space. She means so much to me and it’d be torture not having her in my life but I don’t know if I can stay around much longer because it hurts to see her trying to make it work with someone else.

Someone please just tell me what I already basically know but can’t bring myself to do.. 

[preraph]

So is she back with her ex?  If so, how is she talking to you 24/7?  Are you sure she wasn't just telling you that because she only had friend interest in you and not romantic interest?  I mean, pretty hard to talk that much if you're actually with a partner. 

 

Obviously, this is a waste of energy, but you already know that.  If in addition, she only views you as a friend, you are just torturing yourself and nothing will come out of it.  

[Marc878]

1 minute ago, Temporary456 said:

I met her early summer and we clicked instantly and basically became best friends. Never have I met someone I connected with so quickly and on so many levels and it was scary. 

Well as great as it was, after about 2 months and moving back to uni she realized having her ex around made it hard for her to get over him and we broke it off because she wants to try to make it work with him again.

 

You are projecting onto her. Your 2 statements don’t correlate.

It wasn’t that deep and meaningful to her or she wouldn’t have dumped you would she?

Cut all contact, block everything. Right now you are keeping your fantasy alive. 

 

[Temporary456]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

So is she back with her ex?  If so, how is she talking to you 24/7?  Are you sure she wasn't just telling you that because she only had friend interest in you and not romantic interest?  I mean, pretty hard to talk that much if you're actually with a partner. 

 

Obviously, this is a waste of energy, but you already know that.  If in addition, she only views you as a friend, you are just torturing yourself and nothing will come out of it.  

They’re not officially back but week by week they spend more time together like go to movies, go out to eat, etc. She used to see him maybe once a week/once every two weeks and now it’s like every other day but for a couple hours. I’d say other than maybe a couple hours that she’ll see him some day, literally every other minute is spent with me which is probably why I still feel attached in a way. She says she still loves me and would love for us to work but since he’s there and I can’t be, it’s harder for her to pick me since I’m so far and she still has feelings for her ex at the same time.

It’s trash, and it’s basically me being a second option which I won’t be so that’s why I say I’ve given up on wanting anything more than a friendship with her. Her friendship is what I would hate to lose, but since I’m still getting over her basically choosing him over me, I still have those feelings for her which makes it hard to stand when she’s with him at times, wondering what they’re doing etc.

[preraph]

Your time would be better spent going out locally and meeting another woman.  

[d0nnivain]

She will end this once her EX that she's trying to get back with learns you are out there. He won't want her carrying on with you constantly if they are back together.  

You will end this when you get tired of being her emotional sounding board & hearing all about the rekindled romance with her EX.  You are hanging on because you got nothing better going on.  Once you fix that & find a new GF yourself, you will realize how pale this LD friendship is.  

[2BGoodAgain]

actually... a normal person don't cut it off... especially when deep feelings are involved.....

people who tell you they can just cut it off, NC... it's b/c they're super mad or don't have as much invested emotionally.... take your pick. OR been thru what you're going thru and have learned their lesson... it's a HARD thing to do....but necessary.

For your SANITY, you need to NC...

as for whether your relationship was real or not... your feelings are real... though, if you evaluate them, you may find a deeper reason why you feel the way you do... but the problem with LDR is that you only know what they want you to know... so you don't really see the real them... only a sliver and what they let slip up... i'm not saying they're actively trying to deceive you, but in a normal face to face relationship, you see more... as you spend more time with them, whereas with LDR, you don't...

on top of anything self-blindness you give yourself.

at any rate, you need to NC... this friend thing is only gonna prolong the pain, my friend. we've all been there or have done it to others.

Edited January 16, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

[Temporary456]

47 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

She will end this once her EX that she's trying to get back with learns you are out there. He won't want her carrying on with you constantly if they are back together.  

You will end this when you get tired of being her emotional sounding board & hearing all about the rekindled romance with her EX.  You are hanging on because you got nothing better going on.  Once you fix that & find a new GF yourself, you will realize how pale this LD friendship is.  

He’s known about me since like the moment we’ve started talking, not sure it changes much though.

But you’re right, at the moment I have nothing else and that’s definitely the reason I’m hanging on to this friendship. Think it’s time to cut it off..

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I assume this is the same girl from your other thread, the one you've never actually met in person?

If so, referring to her as your ex is going to be confusing to posters, since you two were never officially in a relationship offline. I don't say that to minimize your pain, but it helps posters here if they have a clearer picture of the context. 

In any case, you won't be able to stay friends with her. She is too busy rekindling things with her ex, and I don't buy for minute he's known about you since you two started talking. According to your other thread, she started talking to you when she was still in a relationship with him, before they broke up. I find it very hard to believe she was honest with him then that she was getting cozy online with another guy. I know she probably told you that, but I think you have to realize she's not the most honest person. 

The sooner you knock her off the pedestal you've got her on, the easier it will be to let go of the idea of her. It doesn't match the reality, and you can do far better. 

Edited January 16, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[schlumpy]

5 hours ago, Temporary456 said:

I’m obviously broken, and don’t want to be anybodies second choice so most of my hopes of a future with her romantically have died out, but I still have this love for her that makes me get jealous whenever she mentions her ex or if they’re going out somewhere. 

You say you don't want to be anyone's second choice but that's exactly where you have put yourself. She now gets to be physical with her ex BF while she gets her romance from you. What are you getting? The only way she comes back is if she misses you and she won't miss you since you are hanging on her every word.

You already know this and know what you have to do. You've already stated it.

If you can bring yourself to do it, you will still have a future emotional hurdle to jump when she contacts you and instead of eagerly resuming contact, you have to make her earn you back.

In your present emotional state - I don't really see that happening.

You will have to continue they way you are until you finally burn out.

Sometimes we just have to learn the hard way.

Good luck.

[Temporary456]

18 hours ago, schlumpy said:

If you can bring yourself to do it, you will still have a future emotional hurdle to jump when she contacts you and instead of eagerly resuming contact, you have to make her earn you back.

In your present emotional state - I don't really see that happening.

You will have to continue they way you are until you finally burn out.

Sometimes we just have to learn the hard way.

Good luck.

How would I go about this? Once I break it off and go NC, how do I approach it when she tries to resume contact? 

I don’t want to continue the way I am, even if I’ll miss her genuine friendship by itself so much, I can’t continue putting myself through this much longer. I don’t want to burn out, I want to take control and cut it off but I want to know how I approach the situation when she tries to contact me again. 

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, Temporary456 said:

How would I go about this? Once I break it off and go NC, how do I approach it when she tries to resume contact? 

In your case because you don't have the self control / self discipline to ignore her, you block her.  Then you won't know she tried to reach out & you won't be tempted to respond.  

[Temporary456]

21 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, I assume this is the same girl from your other thread, the one you've never actually met in person?

If so, referring to her as your ex is going to be confusing to posters, since you two were never officially in a relationship offline. I don't say that to minimize your pain, but it helps posters here if they have a clearer picture of the context. 

In any case, you won't be able to stay friends with her. She is too busy rekindling things with her ex, and I don't buy for minute he's known about you since you two started talking. According to your other thread, she started talking to you when she was still in a relationship with him, before they broke up. I find it very hard to believe she was honest with him then that she was getting cozy online with another guy. I know she probably told you that, but I think you have to realize she's not the most honest person. 

Yeah I guess calling her an ex could be confusing, just didn’t know how else to refer to her and wanted to get the post out.

And yeah i know for a fact she didn’t tell him how close we actually were while they were together, but I know he found out after they split because they’ve had countless arguments about it and I’ve seen texts about it. So at first yeah he didn’t know, and now he does but I don’t really think it matters much to him apparently if he knows that he’s the one she wants and is (now) starting to get physical with. So in the end I don’t think it matters too much to him if he knows she’s still talking to me, even as just a friend, because he knows he has her in the palm of his hand pretty much. 

[Temporary456]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

In your case because you don't have the self control / self discipline to ignore her, you block her.  Then you won't know she tried to reach out & you won't be tempted to respond.  

But then how would I make her “earn it back” if I don’t see a word she’s saying? Not saying I’d respond to it and although it seems like my self control is low at the moment, if I decided to go NC that’d be the breaking point for me and I wouldn’t be able to give in and break NC no matter how much I was tempted.

i just want to know how I’m supposed to know if she realizes she f***ed up and know what she’s thinking if I have her blocked on everything? Overall, if you still think that’s the best choice, you obviously have more experience with this and know better than I do, I just want to know how it’d work.

[d0nnivain]

You don't make her earn your friendship back.  You put her out of your life forever.  You don't ever know if she realizes she made a mistake by choosing her EX & letting you do.   What she does gong forward is up to her & none of your concern.  You two are no longer in each other's lives.  However you can't go wrong assuming she will never figure it out.  You don't mean anything to her; that is why she chose her EX. 

Everything you do now has to be solely for your own mental health & well being.  

[Temporary456]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You don't make her earn your friendship back.  You put her out of your life forever.  You don't ever know if she realizes she made a mistake by choosing her EX & letting you do.   What she does gong forward is up to her & none of your concern.  You two are no longer in each other's lives.  However you can't go wrong assuming she will never figure it out.  You don't mean anything to her; that is why she chose her EX. 

Everything you do now has to be solely for your own mental health & well being.  

Thank you. It’s just hard because we spend nearly every hour of our day together still and it’s gonna feel empty without having her to talk to/laugh with all day and night, but you’re right.

Thank you for talking a bit of sense into me. As much as it’ll suck, I need to move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to block her, OP. 

No, it won't be easy at first. But it wasn't going anywhere. It was an escapist fantasy for her, something to make her feel better when her relationship was rocky. But make no mistake, he has her heart. The likelihood that this would've evolved from the virtual world was always slim, and you can learn to live without her constant online presence. Consider that you have a significant advantage over folks who are going through break-ups of real relationships; if they can do it, you most certainly can too. 

Furthermore, keep in mind you cannot truly know someone you have never met. Online interactions only tell you so much. You have a fantasy idea of her. In your mind, she is everything you've ever wanted, but in reality she might be a terrible kisser or smell like cabbage or be awkward as hell. You might have had zero chemistry in person. She might be the type to openly ogle other guys while sitting beside you at the bar. My point is that you would be wise to keep some perspective next time, and not put all your eggs in one basket before spending ample time together in real life. 

This was an online friendship that you unfortunately got far too emotionally invested in. It's time to unplug and meet local girls you can actually date and develop a relationship with. 

 

[d0nnivain]

On 1/16/2020 at 9:24 AM, Temporary456 said:

Also, does anybody have any tips on if it’s possible to stay friends with this girl? 

 

i really don’t want to take space because I know for a fact if I do, when I come back to try to be friends it just won’t be the same at all. But I feel like the only way I get over my feelings is by having some time apart.

Take the space because the reality is you can't be friends with her. The space will help you realize that.  When your acute pain subsides you will find you don't want to be friends with her because she is not a nice person.   You want friendship now because you have grown accustomed to talking to her often & you can imagine that stopping.  It will leave a void in your life & you fear that.  Instead of being sad because she's gone, find real life activities to replace her with.  Go out & have fun with your friends.  Meet a nice local girl.  Then you won't notice she is not in your life any more.