I think I know what I have to do but don't want to let go.

[Temporary456]

On 1/17/2020 at 3:17 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Consider that you have a significant advantage over folks who are going through break-ups of real relationships; if they can do it, you most certainly can too. 

 

You’re right about this part. Puts it into perspective a bit more for me and even if it’ll be difficult, I know it could be much much harder to move on if we were truly together every day in person and I shared all of those experiences with her by my side day in day out.

[Temporary456]

On 1/17/2020 at 3:17 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

 

Wanted to shoot you a PM about something but I think since my account is new it doesn’t let me.

i know I should’ve gone NC by now, and I think I will not long in the near future but making this post and reading all of the replies has opened my eyes a bit instead of just fully being blinded by love.

Ive realized that you guys are right, she’s not the best person to get into a LTR relationship with even if it were to work out, which is why I feel like it should be easier to be friends with her if I’m not hoping for more right? Instead, even though I want nothing more than to just be friends, I still find myself a bit annoyed/jealous when she hangs out with her ex. 

Why do you think this is? Even if I don’t want anything more, maybe it’s because my love for her hasn’t completely faded? I get I’m being a bit stubborn by not just going NC but I just don’t want to lose a good friend, and I thought accepting that I didn’t want to be more than that because of the fact that she cheated on her bf at the time with me would make it easier to not pursue her further as a romantic interest and just be friends (since ex’s can only really be friends if neither want more and just want to stay close) but it doesn’t seem like that’s the case.

How can I get to the point where this doesn’t bother me and we could just be friends? Is NC the only way? She’s said that if I were to ever need space to make this easier to deal with then come back, then to do that but then said “just know when you come back it’ll be way different and I feel like we won’t even know each other. I’ll probably be officially back with him if u leave and we won’t have time like this anymore”. Just seems really manipulative to try to guilt me into staying and I don’t get why if I was to take a break that it means we’ll “be weird and won’t be the same” when I come back to try to be friends.

just wanted your opinion because it seems like you along with all the other posters in here know what you’re talking about.

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, Temporary456 said:

She’s said that if I were to ever need space to make this easier to deal with then come back, then to do that but then said “just know when you come back it’ll be way different and I feel like we won’t even know each other. I’ll probably be officially back with him if u leave and we won’t have time like this anymore”. Just seems really manipulative to try to guilt me into staying

That's because it is manipulative. Real friends don't do this. 

Hence, this girl is not your friend. She uses you for attention. That's it. She doesn't actually care about your feelings; it's all about what she wants. You badly need to revisit your definition of friendship if that's honestly what you feel it entails, and you need to get better about who you choose to let into you life. All she wants is someone to make her feel good about herself when things are rough with her boyfriend. She did it before they broke up, and she's doing it now. This girl embodies immaturity and selfishness and doesn't actually give a rat's behind about you as a person - only what you can do for her. That's not the basis for friendship, and it sure isn't the basis for a relationship. 

She is playing you like a fiddle, man. 

[Temporary456]

18 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's because it is manipulative. Real friends don't do this. 

Hence, this girl is not your friend. She uses you for attention. That's it. She doesn't actually care about your feelings; it's all about what she wants. You badly need to revisit your definition of friendship if that's honestly what you feel it entails, and you need to get better about who you choose to let into you life. All she wants is someone to make her feel good about herself when things are rough with her boyfriend. She did it before they broke up, and she's doing it now. This girl embodies immaturity and selfishness and doesn't actually give a rat's behind about you as a person - only what you can do for her. That's not the basis for friendship, and it sure isn't the basis for a relationship. 

She is playing you like a fiddle, man. 

Needed really badly to hear this. Thank you.

Just sucks because she makes it seem like she really does care, and it seems like I’ve been a bit blinded by all the nice things she says and how she’s always saying how happy she is that I’m in her life and that she’s never met someone who has had such a big impact on her life in such a short amount of time. 

Do you think I just go full NC and move on with my life? It sucks to think about and as much as I didn’t want to believe it, even if she says she’s ok with me taking time away to come back and be friends normally, she begs me to stay because she doesn’t want to lose me (and I guess the attention) and guilt trips me into how we’d never be the same if I returned which sucks because that’s all I want. But you’re right, just manipulative and doesn’t seem like she cares about what’s best for me and how I feel. 

Just wish things were simpler sometimes. If neither of us developed feelings and got to this point I think we could’ve stayed really good friends for a long time without complicating anything and me not just being an emotional tampon, just doesn’t seem like it’s possible anymore and it breaks my heart.

Edited January 23, 2020 by Temporary456

[Temporary456]

23 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Hence, this girl is not your friend. She uses you for attention. That's it. She doesn't actually care about your feelings; it's all about what she wants. 

One more thing just to clear my head and get my thoughts out. Why do you think she hasn’t cut down on the calling/talking even after mentioning she might be trying to get back with her ex? She still calls going to and from class every day, talks basically the whole time she’s home till we sleep, and repeat the next day. She wants to call no matter what she’s doing which seems like a bit much of we’re just supposed to be platonic friends. 

Is this all just using me for attention so she’s not by herself and bored? Because I feel like she could just ask her ex to hangout 24/7 instead but doesn’t and comes back to me and it just seems weird.

I’m not asking in hopes to hear she’s not using me for attention (because at this point it’s clear since I’m the first one she comes to when she has problems with him) but I figured she’d cut down on our time spent now that he’s back in her life. Why does she still willingly want to spend so much of her day with me if all we’re doing is just playing something or talking about our day when she could be doing that with her ex she’s trying to get back with?

Just had to get that out and ask because it’s just confusing. I’m planning on going NC within the next day or two because at this point everything everyone here has said makes sense and I’ve realized I’ve just been blinded most of the time. Guess you live and learn though..

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Temporary456 said:

 

Do you think I just go full NC and move on with my life?

Absolutely, yes. 

This isn't going anywhere. You have never met this person, let alone dated her. Please, for your own sanity, don't get so wrapped up in a cyber relationship in the future. It's a terribly risky gamble, and you're now seeing why. You gave you heart to a stranger behind a screen, and a stranger with a boyfriend, no less. That was not in your best interest, on any level.

You got addicted to the attention she gave you and the feeling of being desired, but you don't really know her. You only know what she chooses to show and tell you. Once you separate the flattered feelings from the person delivering them (her), I think you will see it's the more the former that you miss, and not really the latter. You don't know her well enough to miss the person that she actually is, and what you do know about her? Eh...she's nothing spectacular, that's for sure. 

This never really had the makings of a true relationship, friend. 

[Daisydooks]

He doesnt have the time to chat all day long waiting for her calls and has classes assignments of his own.  He isnt her emotional tampon. Do you have a job or do you go to school? Why are you always so available to her?

What void he fills for her is different than the void you do. Just that simple. No less painful to hear. The only reason she started speaking to you to begin with was because she was bored and lonely. 

No contact is the only way

[ExpatInItaly]

29 minutes ago, Temporary456 said:

Why does she still willingly want to spend so much of her day with me if all we’re doing is just playing something or talking about our day when she could be doing that with her ex she’s trying to get back with?

This is an easy one to answer: More than likely because he isn't so sure he wants to get back together with her and doesn't want to spend all his time with her. So, she fills the gaps waiting for his call or message by relying on Plan B (that would be you). I would bet my bottom dollar that the real story is that she wants him back, but he is the one keeping his distance. I don't think her having all this free time to talk to you is because she made it that way. She probably is telling you something totally different, but we know she's not exactly an honest person. 

So, because she's selfish and immature, she tries to guilt you into staying under her thumb so she has a constant supply of validation and attention in case this on-off boyfriend decides he's done with her for good. 

You're the textbook Back-Up Guy. 

[Temporary456]

55 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

He doesnt have the time to chat all day long waiting for her calls and has classes assignments of his own.  He isnt her emotional tampon. Do you have a job or do you go to school? Why are you always so available to her?

Yeah I study full time and work part time, so aside from that and hanging out with other friends I’m at home talking to her.

And believe me, her ex definitely has the time as he barely goes to class nor does he work, but there’s been a countless amount of times where he cancels on her last second and makes up some excuse so yeah, it ends up being me she comes to and yet still runs back to him in the end.

You’re both right, this isn’t going anywhere and I just need to just realize my time would probably be spent better elsewhere.

[Temporary456]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is an easy one to answer: More than likely because he isn't so sure he wants to get back together with her and doesn't want to spend all his time with her. So, she fills the gaps waiting for his call or message by relying on Plan B (that would be you). I would bet my bottom dollar that the real story is that she wants him back, but he is the one keeping his distance. I don't think her having all this free time to talk to you is because she made it that way. She probably is telling you something totally different, but we know she's not exactly an honest person. 

So, because she's selfish and immature, she tries to guilt you into staying under her thumb so she has a constant supply of validation and attention in case this on-off boyfriend decides he's done with her for good. 

You're the textbook Back-Up Guy. 

Yeah, you make me realize more and more with each reply the reality of this situation. I know for a fact she wants him back, and I don’t necessarily think it’s him not wanting her because for most of their relationship he’s put up with a lot and seemed to like her at least a bit more than she did based on how he acts. I just think him cancelling last second a bunch of times makes her want to do stuff with him more no matter how s***ty he makes her feel by cancelling and making her seem not important to him, her choice I guess.. And then since he cancelled here I am for her to vent to and get validation.

Thank you for your replies. Before making this post my mindset about the situation was different in so many ways but seeing everybody say basically the same stuff is making me realize I didn’t know much, and that not even being friends is an option (or not even what I want and I’d realize that later down the road once my feelings have faded.

Edited January 23, 2020 by Temporary456

[ExpatInItaly]

41 minutes ago, Temporary456 said:

And believe me, her ex definitely has the time as he barely goes to class nor does he work, but there’s been a countless amount of times where he cancels on her last second and makes up some excuse so yeah, it ends up being me she comes to and yet still runs back to him in the end.

And you know this to be true...because she says so?

At some point, you have to stop taking everything she says as gospel truth. You have absolutely no way of verifying how accurate her version of events actually is. 

You barely know her, and you certainly don't know him. 

Edited January 23, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Temporary456]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And you know this to be true...because she says so?

At some point, you have to stop taking everything she says as gospel truth. You have absolutely no way of verifying how accurate her version of events actually is. 

You barely know her, and you certainly don't know him. 

Yeah you have a point that she’s not the most honest person so I can’t verify everything she says is true, but I’m positive that he skips a lot and 100% does not have a job as he calls her at various times of the day every day and most of the time is clearly drunk/out partying or smoking. 

I get that I can’t trust what she says but I’m certain based on the times they hang out or he contacts her that he definitely has no sort of job. He has time for her, just blows her off a bunch last second after making plans and stuff like that.

[ExpatInItaly]

What he does or doesn't do is beside the point, ultimately.

The point is that you cannot and should not trust someone you have never met. You have learned an important lesson here (hopefully) which is to apply better judgment and discretion with people you let into your life, and do not invest in something that has no foundation in the real world. 

[Temporary456]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What he does or doesn't do is beside the point, ultimately.

The point is that you cannot and should not trust someone you have never met. You have learned an important lesson here (hopefully) which is to apply better judgment and discretion with people you let into your life, and do not invest in something that has no foundation in the real world. 

Definitely a lesson learned. Guess it’s better it happens when I’m young and can learn from it and be more aware of certain things in my future.

[scooby-philly]

OP,

I'm sorry for your pain and heartbreak. I advocate going NC on her and will respond to some key lines from three responses you posted on page two of this thread:

Fully being blinded by love.

• You can't be in "love" with a person you never met in real life. It's a fantasy. Now, you can become attached to someone, but love is based in reality. Your heart can mirror certain feelings but it's not the same thing.

Ive realized that you guys are right, she’s not the best person to get into a LTR relationship with even if it were to work out, which is why I feel like it should be easier to be friends with her if I’m not hoping for more right? I

• It's not going to work out. She's not interested in you. And even if she was to become interested in you, you deserve better
• She's not even a good friend because, as others have pointed out, friends don't put friends into emotionally compromising situations. If she wanted to be friends with you she would stop describing her whole relationship with you, especially as you two were discussing more romantic options before

Why do you think this is? Even if I don’t want anything more, maybe it’s because my love for her hasn’t completely faded? I get I’m being a bit stubborn by not just going NC but I just don’t want to lose a good friend,

• Friends are met in real life. No matter how much sharing you do, it's all virtual fantasy if you never met. Call her a buddy or something to help your mind realize that you weren't friends and in reality because of what she's done and said, she's not even a good virtual friend.
• Further, friendships that last are built on mutual trust, support, and happiness. You're not in a place yourself to wish her happiness with her dating life because you still have a romantic fantasy about her.

 

How can I get to the point where this doesn’t bother me and we could just be friends? Is NC the only way? She’s said that if I were to ever need space to make this easier to deal with then come back, then to do that but then said “just know when you come back it’ll be way different and I feel like we won’t even know each other. I’ll probably be officially back with him if u leave and we won’t have time like this anymore”. Just seems really manipulative to try to guilt me into staying

• NC is not about getting back together, even as friends. It's about moving on and forgetting. 
• Yes, she was trying to be maniuplative
• Whatever emotional support/high she gets from talking to you, she's trying to keep it. It's like having her cake and eat it too. As one poster mentioned, for all you know her ex isn't enthused and she's playing you in case he walks on her. And she could be using you to pressure her ex. Either is s***ty for her to do

 

Just sucks because she makes it seem like she really does care, and it seems like I’ve been a bit blinded by all the nice things she says and how she’s always saying how happy she is that I’m in her life and that she’s never met someone who has had such a big impact on her life in such a short amount of time. 

• Words are meaningless. And while she could mean what she says, her underlying actions aren't aligned with her words.

Do you think I just go full NC and move on with my life? It sucks to think about and as much as I didn’t want to believe it, even if she says she’s ok with me taking time away to come back and be friends normally, she begs me to stay because she doesn’t want to lose me (and I guess the attention) and guilt trips me into how we’d never be the same if I returned which sucks because that’s all I want. But you’re right, just manipulative and doesn’t seem like she cares about what’s best for me and how I feel. 

• Yes - again it's manipulative. There's no reason to open up so much to someone you've never met if you had anyone in your life to do it to. Remember that.

Just wish things were simpler sometimes. If neither of us developed feelings and got to this point I think we could’ve stayed really good friends for a long time without complicating anything and me not just being an emotional tampon, just doesn’t seem like it’s possible anymore and it breaks my heart.

• At least you have a heart. At this stage it's clear that she doesn't or she's too selfish at her age/this moment to listen to hers.
• Again - you're not friends. You're two strangers who've theoretically opened up to each other. 

One more thing just to clear my head and get my thoughts out. Why do you think she hasn’t cut down on the calling/talking even after mentioning she might be trying to get back with her ex? She still calls going to and from class every day, talks basically the whole time she’s home till we sleep, and repeat the next day. She wants to call no matter what she’s doing which seems like a bit much of we’re just supposed to be platonic friends. 

• You said it yourself - "Is this all just using me for attention so she’s not by herself and bored?" - YES!!! 115%

 

Yes - you live and you learn.

For women 18 to 25 (just rough parameters here for context)....a lot of them are exploring, just as guys that age are - with their emotions, their physical needs, dating, sex, etc. Depending on her personality, her prior dating experience, her upbringing, her emotional make up, etc. - most women that age are not ready to open themselves up and be vulnerable to people. And usually they end up being vulnerable to the wrong people. Hence why so many women in that age bracket fall for older guys or for the "bad boys". Further, if she was not raised in an emotionally safe family, she's probably confused and just a hot psychological mess. You don't need to be a part of her flailing about trying to figure life out. Because if she truly cared about you (romantically) or (as a friend) she would recognize the situation she's put you in. Plus, you already know in your heart she cheated on her ex emotionally. Part of "mature" dating (and I say mature rather than adult because age doesn't define this as you may expect or assume) is being vulnerable with the person you're dating. If someone can't be emotionally open with their bf or gf but can be to complete strangers, then there's something they need to fix in order to "grow up" or mature "emotionally" to have a real, mature relationship. 

I'm 38. When I was 36 I met and started dating a 22yr old. It was a long-distance relationship. We lasted almost 2 years. I didn't realize she was that young and she didn't realize I was that old. We knew there was an age gap but we thought it was like 8 years, not 14. She had no prior dating experience, she lived with her family who were not open emotionally, were cold, shaming, angry, bitter, and toxic. I thought she was mature because she wasn't into parties, she talked about mature things, and she eventually opened up to me. But...she wasn't. She was just like this girl you described, though I don't know if she ever cheated on me emotionally. She was a hot mess, confused, lonely, low self-esteem, etc. Can't tell you how many times she couldn't tell me what she wanted to do when we hung out, several times she would threaten to abandon the relationship - including times of absolute immaturity on her part, and I never force her into a situation where she had to really make much effort to be "in the relationship". Heck she even spoiled the last of my two birthdays we spent together and ruined 2 vacations that I mostly paid for. As I look back and recover and can analyze things without feeling bad about it, I realize that I was the first person she could ever open up to and she wasn't at that point in her life where she could be herself, follow her dreams, live her life the way she wanted because of the way her family was. So....a hard lesson for me to learn.

In the end OP, you sound like a decent guy and you don't need to be a part of anyone's emotional maturity plan. Remember that. Not saying you're perfect or what not, but you recognize what she's done wrong and you know it's not good. Save yourself the long-term heartache and the deeper pain and just move on.

 

[justwhoiam]

On 1/24/2020 at 9:22 PM, Temporary456 said:

Definitely a lesson learned. Guess it’s better it happens when I’m young and can learn from it and be more aware of certain things in my future.

So you're still no contact? I guess you blew it when she broke up with her boyfriend and you didn't go meet her. How far was she from you? Oh well, I guess now she's in the past?

[Temporary456]

On 2/26/2020 at 9:58 AM, justwhoiam said:

So you're still no contact? I guess you blew it when she broke up with her boyfriend and you didn't go meet her. How far was she from you? Oh well, I guess now she's in the past?

Still no contact, You think I blew it? I feel like if i had went there when they broke up, it wouldn’t have mattered bc deep down she knew she wanted to get back with I’m anyway just didn’t want to acknowledge it yet.. seems like it would’ve been a waste of my time. To add, she lives in UK and I’m in the US

[justwhoiam]

On 3/8/2020 at 7:02 AM, Temporary456 said:

Still no contact, You think I blew it? I feel like if i had went there when they broke up, it wouldn’t have mattered bc deep down she knew she wanted to get back with I’m anyway just didn’t want to acknowledge it yet.. seems like it would’ve been a waste of my time. To add, she lives in UK and I’m in the US

I guess all considered she's better in your past than in your future 🙂