I wanna smash something. How to survive?

[Loveisonlyformovies]

I'm breaking right now. I wanna cry, scream and break something. The pain is paralyzing to be honest and nothing I do get it off my mind. 

There are plenty of other threads about my toxic past with my ex, so I wont bring that up here. My ex left me september 2018, two weeks before i gave birth to our second baby, due to mental heatlh issues. He left with the promise to return and I've been waiting. He's been visiting a few times since then, not paying much attention to the kids though, and when he's here, everything is like he never left, then he goes home and treat me like s***s and mostly block me for weeks until it starts all over again. He had to leave his apartment by new years and i really thought he'd come back home. I even bought more furniture and stuff to make sure his stuff would fit too. He was here for a week on Christmas and to be honest, I was happier than I had been for years. Things were great and he said he still loves me, and still wants to be with me etc. But he had to return to his homecountry as he hates this country. We made a deal. I'd give him 3 months to sort things out over there and then me and the kids would come. In return, he'd stay faithful in real life and online and get rid of the girls he's been flirting with since we broke up. So he goes back home, i spend days helping him prepare and lending him money to manage the move and all. But I noticed the girls he promised to get rid of were still there, when confronting him about it, he says he's not getting rid of "friends" just for me. Then i spend days trying to reach him, without even knowing when he leaves the country and he wont give me any response except when being rude and lashing out on me for trying to call him. Now he's moved back to his home country. I got no address or phone number to reach him on, i'm blocked from all his social media and I've sent him tons of emails that are probably blocked too.... He's really gone and I'm left heartbroken, having to take care of our kids all alone in a country I absolutely hate (i was really happy about that aspect of the deal). Dumb as I am, I used another facebook account just to find his new profile picture with comments and likes from the girls he's been flirting with, and based on his mates comments, girls have kept him fairly busy since returning there. I feel betrayed. I really do love him. I know we've had a rough past, but I still feel safe and the chaos in my head stops and i'm really calm when he's around, which never happens otherwise. Now it takes me 3 hours to fall asleep, with him by my side it takes 20 minutes or less. Even though I know he'll always cheat on me, I still like the other parts of how he makes me feel around him. He was supposed to my only friend too. 

I see no light in the end of the tunnel. It'll be at least a decade before i can leave this country alone with my kids and dating wont be an option for many years as the kids are so young (hiring babysitters is not a common thing nor would i ever dare to risk that). I feel like I got nothing to look forward to anymore, I can't even travel alone with the kids. I don't know how I'll ever be able to date someone new as it feels like everyone just cares about sex and if I wasn't good enough for my ex, why would anyone else treat me any differently? I can't stand people of my own country, I've hardly any contact with relatives. I don't know how to stand being alone for so long. Or how to get over him. I know karma will give him what he deserves eventually. It's been 18 months since he moved out and it still hurts as much as day 1. Talking to a therapist would put me on waiting list of 1-3 years. I wish I could get him off my mind and never think of him again. I know I deserve better but I'm considered to be so weird that I fear that will never happen. I spend hours every day looking for ways to get over someone or trying online tarot and oracles ( i know that s*** doesn't work but it helps me cope for a few minutes). I know it'll eventually pass, but I fear it'll be many years until then and I don't wanna waste even more of my life, it feels like i never started living my life, just simply existing. So as a single, studying (nothing specific, it's just that no one wants to hire me...) mum with no friends or relatives to turn to, how do I cope? How do I at least get some of the pain away to be able to block him and the hurt feelings by staying busy every now and then. How do I tell my brain to stop hoping he'll return when I want no other future than one with him? 

[mark clemson]

Do you have some money to pay for your own therapist rather than waiting?

Your emotions over this will eventually fade but it always takes much longer than we'd like unfortunately.

You probably can start dating in September (but obviously limited in how much time you can spend on it). You could consider focusing on the (probably pretty small) subset of men who are in a similar situation to you, e.g. a widower with a young child. If you're near a large urban area there should be at least a few folks like this around. When the kids are a bit older if you still haven't found someone there ARE some men who like to be dads and will be ok with kids.

Agree that you're in a very rough situation. There's no way but to forge through it. Are there other family you could turn to for support? Can you make friends there who might be sympathetic and offer some help. Church groups or support groups for new mothers?

There is at least a reasonable chance that you'll find happiness in one form or another eventually, but it will probably take a while.

Can you get child support money from him? (Enforced by a court if necessary.) Something to consider.

Edited January 15, 2020 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

17 minutes ago, Loveisonlyformovies said:

 How do I tell my brain to stop hoping he'll return when I want no other future than one with him? 

This eventually fades BTW. It just takes longer than we'd like.

He is actually a horrible person. The way he has treated you and what he's done - abandoning his own young kids completely to go "party" and get his ego boosted by strange women. This is not something most normal men do - more like someone with a narcissistic personality disorder or something similar to that. One day you will be able to step back and see the truth of this and just how awful he is.

You could consider researching narcissism (NPD) and co-dependence online. Not sure if it applies to you, but something to consider.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

There are no such options for support available. I'm getting minimum amount of child support from the state as he doesn't wanna pay, nor can a court force him as he's in another country. 

I'd never consider men with kids, because then it'd be impossible to not know of their romantic/sexual past which really puts me off. I am on dating sites, but no one is willing to chat much before meeting up and no one is anything like my ex, so i dont really feel any attraction to anyone. Besides, almost everyone approaching me is of my own nationality which is really not what I want :/ I just want a faithful, loyal version of my ex to be honest but clearly I'm not good enough for that kind. I dont know how to be strong enough on my own nor how to get the life i want without him. I'm either feel with rage, emptiness or pain. I just want it to away. It feels so unfair that he's moved on and is happy while I'm stuck struggling with everything he left behind (kids etc) with far less  freedom and opportunities than he has. I cant stop checking apps to see if he's unblocked me or if he's even online. I cant stop sending emotional emails, basically begging for an answer from him. I dont know how to stop and how to stop letting thoughts of him paralyze my daily life.

[mark clemson]

You may have a bad combination of breakup limerence and codependence. I could be wrong, but that's what it sounds like.  Eventually, the limerence feelings will fade and you will be able to be happier with another man. Hopefully one who treats you a LOT better. Your acceptance of being mistreated is the codependence aspect.

Men without kids but who will accept your two will be a lot rarer. There will still be some, but much fewer.

Getting over a man's "romantic past" when you have a romantic past too that is right in front of them is only fair. Maybe what you are hoping for is not really realistic? At any rate, the ability to get past his kids is something you might work on when you eventually get that therapist. It should make it MUCH easier to find someone new. I'd join the waiting line now.

It would not be fair to any new man in your life if you harbor a willingness to go back to your ex. Once you eventually find a new person, recommend you fully resolve to truly move on. It would not be AT ALL fair to whoever you end up with if your ex can simply show up one day and "steal you back" from him. That would be horrible for that man AND it would be horrible for you when the ex once again turns around and leaves you to satisfy his whims. Once again wrecking your life. Fool me once, shame on you...

[Loveisonlyformovies]

16 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

This eventually fades BTW. It just takes longer than we'd like.

I hate that fact... I don't get over people easily. Last time it took me 5 years to get over someone on a distance relationship that I never actually met. I'm worried how long it'll take this time, especially as I wont get any younger. This guy I actually proposed to and thought I'd marry. 

It was also never a "clean" breakup, we've in many ways still been a distance couple since then and him leaving after Christmas, kissing me goodbye and saying we'll be together in three months again just to disappear completely afterwards is brutal. For a few days i was so hopeful and excited and happy about the future and now all of that is gone. I have my finals this weekend and new courses starting Monday and I know I'll be getting s*** grades all term because I can't focus due to this, but I can't drop out either as that is my only way to support my children right now. I just wanna fast forward my life until I'm over him 😕

[mark clemson]

Maybe focus on the schoolwork for now and being the best mom you can be to the kids. Seems like that is a lot on your plate right there. Hopefully it can help distract you.

[preraph]

You need to forget about this guy and just try everything you can to get child support money from him through the government or an attorney or however they do it whereever you or he are!  He's obviously not reliable and doesn't treat you right and isn't any support, so go after him legally and then raise your kids.  

[Loveisonlyformovies]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You may have a bad combination of breakup limerence and codependence. I could be wrong, but that's what it sounds like.  Eventually, the limerence feelings will fade and you will be able to be happier with another man. Hopefully one who treats you a LOT better. Your acceptance of being mistreated is the codependence aspect.

Men without kids but who will accept your two will be a lot rarer. There will still be some, but much fewer.

Getting over a man's "romantic past" when you have a romantic past too that is right in front of them is only fair. Maybe what you are hoping for is not really realistic? At any rate, the ability to get past his kids is something you might work on when you eventually get that therapist. It should make it MUCH easier to find someone new. I'd join the waiting line now.

It would not be fair to any new man in your life if you harbor a willingness to go back to your ex. Once you eventually find a new person, recommend you fully resolve to truly move on. It would not be AT ALL fair to whoever you end up with if your ex can simply show up one day and "steal you back" from him. That would be horrible for that man AND it would be horrible for you when the ex once again turns around and leaves you to satisfy his whims. Once again wrecking your life. Fool me once, shame on you...

There are actually plenty of men who are willing to take on two kids without having previous ones of their own. They just happen to lack every other trait that I'm looking for. I'm not getting on the waiting list, it wont help me for years nor would it make me accept someone else's children. Just the thought of bringing a step parent to my kids' lives is bad enough to cope with. 

I'd never get into a relationship unless I'm fully committed, but as I said, guys today are not willing to take things slow. 

[Loveisonlyformovies]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

You need to forget about this guy and just try everything you can to get child support money from him through the government or an attorney or however they do it whereever you or he are!  He's obviously not reliable and doesn't treat you right and isn't any support, so go after him legally and then raise your kids.  

That does not work in my country. Nor would it give me more money than I am getting now from the government in his place.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

5 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Maybe focus on the schoolwork for now and being the best mom you can be to the kids. Seems like that is a lot on your plate right there. Hopefully it can help distract you.

I wish I could do that... Which is kind of the whole point with this thread   

[mark clemson]

Fair enough. I do think you should reconsider not getting into the line for therapy. At the time it arrives, you may have a different set of issues that you would like help with. It may help you develop some flexibility, which IMO might help you with your situation.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

Fair enough. I do think you should reconsider not getting into the line for therapy. At the time it arrives, you may have a different set of issues that you would like help with. It may help you develop some flexibility, which IMO might help you with your situation.

Just getting in the line could make me lose my kids due to false accusations in the past. That's a risk I cannot take. Nor have I ever met a therapist that I don't become the therapist to, and i've met over 15 in my life! They have never experienced anyone with my way of thinking before. I know you mean well, but it is a s*** advice in my case. What I'm looking for here is advice on how to get through the next couple of months without being an emotional wreck who's unable to do anything. 

[mark clemson]

Ok, fair enough.

[preraph]

Sounds like money isn't really the issue, then, if you're getting money from the government.  Don't you have any relatives who can help you out with some sort of support, since therapy hasn't ever worked for you?

[Loveisonlyformovies]

13 minutes ago, preraph said:

Sounds like money isn't really the issue, then, if you're getting money from the government.  Don't you have any relatives who can help you out with some sort of support, since therapy hasn't ever worked for you?

Child support is ridiculously low in my country, we hardly make it go around every month with all of our incomes. 

No, which I also state in the first post. If anything, relatives only make me feel worse so I try to avoid them. I need to find a way to cope alone

[preraph]

Well, unfortunately, there's no magic wand for that and you've had issues with therapy, which is normally the only possible answer.  So how about religion?  Are you religious enough that you would feel comfortable talking to a pastor or church counselor or priest just to vent if nothing else?  You might also do searches and see if there's any meetup groups in your area for single moms or anything related to it that might get you some new friends with kids that might be a little support for you and you for them.  

 

When my friend's kids were small, they lived in big apartment complexes, and she soon made friends enough with other mothers who lived there that they would trade off watching kids some.  

 

If you have any alcohol or drug problems, then maybe AA or NA would provide some support, but I get that you'd need a sitter for children first.  

Edited January 15, 2020 by preraph

[Loveisonlyformovies]

9 minutes ago, preraph said:

Well, unfortunately, there's no magic wand for that and you've had issues with therapy, which is normally the only possible answer.  So how about religion?  Are you religious enough that you would feel comfortable talking to a pastor or church counselor or priest just to vent if nothing else?  You might also do searches and see if there's any meetup groups in your area for single moms or anything related to it that might get you some new friends with kids that might be a little support for you and you for them.  

 

When my friend's kids were small, they lived in big apartment complexes, and she soon made friends enough with other mothers who lived there that they would trade off watching kids some.  

I'm not religious, and no meeting groups like that. I rather avoid people of my nationality. Partly because we are the most unfriendly people in the world. I live in an apartment, lived here for years and hardly knows who lives in my building. Neighbours avoid each other. There have been cases where people have gone to the police because a stranger says hi to them on the street. If there are only two people on the bus, they make sure to sit as far away from each other as possible. It's not a friendly country, which is partly why I wanna leave. I'm not like them, so they find me weird and tend to naturally avoid me anyway. I don't fit in here and my ex was the only one i thought could ever accept me as I am. Turns out he couldn't. 😕  Like I said, I need to cope now and for the next couple of months on my own but not sure how.. 😕

Edited January 15, 2020 by Loveisonlyformovies

[preraph]

And your profile says you're in Sweden.  I didn't realize people were so aloof there.  I infer from what you said earlier that you have exhausted the possibilities of the social welfare system there.  What happens in a couple of months that will be different than now (you said you need to cope the next couple of months on your own)?  Please tell me you're not moving to his country with the way he's treating you.  What is your long-term plan once you get past the next couple of months?

[Loveisonlyformovies]

Just hoping that time will make it easier to cope. If I can block him out of my head until then, then maybe it'll hurt less when he crosses my mind in the future (our son looks just like him so  it's hard to avoid thinking about him). I need to complete these new courses during the next few months so I want to be able to focus now. Maybe after them I'll be able to figure out what to do and maybe even get a job. With warmer/better weather, we can be out much more so easier to stay distracted etc. Beginning is always the worst, I just want it over with. I got no longterm plans as I currently can't imagine a future without him. If it hurts less, maybe I can be more motivated to find and pursue another direction in life to give my kids a better life and future, I don't know.  

[preraph]

I know it won't make the hurt go away, and I'm afraid because you do have a child, this guy will be a destructive force in your life from now on, but he sounds absolutely unforgivably bad and I can't imagine that there isn't some part of you that isn't relieved if you think he's really gone.  I envision someone like him coming in and disrupting your life because of the child and being of no further use whatever.  I'm not where you are, so can't tell you if there's any legal remedy for this.  If he has abandoned you, most places, you could go to court and either get him off the birth certificate and get out of your life or he'd do his part.  Sorry to hear where you're at they're not watching out for you on that.  But maybe an attorney could, but I realize they cost $$$$.  

 

Sometime during this interim, please consider getting on birth control so things don't just get further complicated.  Meanwhile, yes, just concentrate on reaching your goal for today and the next day and power through it. 

 

Just found this.  Is it true?  I assume you are already aware of it.  Looks like daycare is encouraged to get the person back to work.  

 

"Daycare in Sweden is tax-subsidised at a rate of between CAD $18,000 to CAD $23,000 per child annually. Parents who stay home, in most municipalities, receive no benefits of any kind. In high-tax Sweden this forces many home care families into poverty.

The result, not surprisingly, is that daycare is the new norm in Sweden. Over 90 percent of all 18 month to 5-years-olds are in daycare."

Edited January 15, 2020 by preraph

[Loveisonlyformovies]

8 minutes ago, preraph said:

I know it won't make the hurt go away, and I'm afraid because you do have a child, this guy will be a destructive force in your life from now on, but he sounds absolutely unforgivably bad and I can't imagine that there isn't some part of you that isn't relieved if you think he's really gone.  I envision someone like him coming in and disrupting your life because of the child and being of no further use whatever.  I'm not where you are, so can't tell you if there's any legal remedy for this.  If he has abandoned you, most places, you could go to court and either get him off the birth certificate and get out of your life or he'd do his part.  Sorry to hear where you're at they're not watching out for you on that.  But maybe an attorney could, but I realize they cost $$$$.  

 

Sometime during this interim, please consider getting on birth control so things don't just get further complicated.  Meanwhile, yes, just concentrate on reaching your goal for today and the next day and power through it. 

He gave me full custody when he moved out, that is already settled and it was free as well, he still have legal right of visitation (almost impossible to take away), but I can limit it to only a few hours/time and have it supervised by social workers so I don't have to interact with him. I don't think he'd consider seeing the kids more than once or twice a year, if even that. He'd hardly come knocking at my door, nor could I ever be with him after him sleeping with others since me. 

You make it sound like my kids weren't planned and I don't like that. I have no need of birthcontrol, apparently not for many years ahead, so that would be pointless. I can't concentrate on my goals, I mainly just cry or google the things mentioned above for hours until i can go to bed, then i do the same thing half the night there instead. I feel like I got no strength left to take from as the pain is too overwhelming. Part of me hates him for what he has done, other part wants him here by my side just to see him smile. I need to study to get money every month, any other motivation for it is gone as I feel I'll never be good enough for anything anymore. 

[Loveisonlyformovies]

37 minutes ago, preraph said:

Just found this.  Is it true?  I assume you are already aware of it.  Looks like daycare is encouraged to get the person back to work.  

 

"Daycare in Sweden is tax-subsidised at a rate of between CAD $18,000 to CAD $23,000 per child annually. Parents who stay home, in most municipalities, receive no benefits of any kind. In high-tax Sweden this forces many home care families into poverty.

The result, not surprisingly, is that daycare is the new norm in Sweden. Over 90 percent of all 18 month to 5-years-olds are in daycare."

Not sure what your point is? My kids are already in daycare, youngest one started last week.I currently pay around 60 dollars/month for both kids with all meals included. Yes, daycare here is very cheap. But no one wants to hire single mothers due to the limited hours we can work and because i'm a weird person with hardly any workexperience. That's why I'm currently studying from home to have some sort of income ( a lot of work would actually give me a smaller income than I get now from benefits).  We also get 480 days paid parent leave per child (my days are almost up, hence me using daycare), that's why women who stay at home (although they are extremely rare) tend to push out child after child. 

[preraph]

I suggested birth control because life is sometimes unpredictable.  But you can always use condoms.  I think in a survival mode, and right now, you just need to catch up so you can care for yourself and your children you already have.  

 

Of course, you would have resentment towards him.  I see you say "due to mental health issues," but wasn't clear if HE left because of his issues or if it was you (only say that since you say you've seen 15 shrinks!) Anyway, he left.  It didn't work out.  He didn't sound like much help anyway.  So it's just you accepting he wasn't a right good guy for you.  A good guy would be doing a lot more for these kids, whether he wanted to be with you or not.  

Have you ever been on your own before?  Lived alone, worked and paid all your own bills, been self-sufficient?  If not, this will be quite a growing experience for you and though it will be a struggle, you do get government money and you are working on improving your situation, and the more you do, the more confident you will feel about being on your own and you won't feel as desperate. Because it's true:  You NEED someone right now.  But you don't have someone.  So now is when you are going to have to use all your resources and try to compartmentalize your feelings when you're trying to work or study or take care of the kids, so that you can accomplish your goals and progress to a better place.  I wish I knew more about how things work there and I'd be of more use, but I don't.  So just be sure YOU do and haven't overlooked any resources.  

 

 

Edited January 15, 2020 by preraph

[preraph]

5 minutes ago, Loveisonlyformovies said:

Not sure what your point is? My kids are already in daycare, youngest one started last week.I currently pay around 60 dollars/month for both kids with all meals included. Yes, daycare here is very cheap. But no one wants to hire single mothers due to the limited hours we can work and because i'm a weird person with hardly any workexperience. That's why I'm currently studying from home to have some sort of income ( a lot of work would actually give me a smaller income than I get now from benefits).  We also get 480 days paid parent leave per child (my days are almost up, hence me using daycare), that's why women who stay at home (although they are extremely rare) tend to push out child after child. 

I see.  Thanks for explaining.  I'm just glad you have daycare.  That does free you up.  It could be worse.  I understand about the work versus benefits when you don't have much experience.  So study is the thing to do, of course.  How old are the kids?

Edited January 15, 2020 by preraph