Ghosted

[Shocker16]

 

Hi,

My story maybe have mixed reviews but I don't feel I can tell anyone close to me.

 

I started chatting to someone on a dating site and we exchanged numbers. It was a week before Christmas and because his family lived abroad he was away but we kept texting the whole time up until 2 days ago.  The messaging turned sexual overnight and was pretty constant the whole time.  Normally if someone sexted me I'd run a  mile but I stick with it and we did actually connect. I did tell him I didnt know what I wanted but was happy for some fun only.  He messaged me every morning and throughout the day and this just made my feelings grow.

 

After a previous bad experience I google the hell out of a name to make sure they are legit. I found him on the electoral which was 6 years ago and he was named living with a female. At this point it didn't cross my mind that he would still be in this relationship. We fell out initially because I saw him online on the dating site after he was saying things like he was falling for me(warning sign number 1). He did say that he was just clearing notifications and in the end i continued talking to him even though I didnt believe him. When he came back after xmas we did meet up at my home and we ended up being intimate and then the messages continued but I noticed that in the evenings he didn't message as much(warning no 2) and when we arranged to meet again he could only do over a week later. At this point i realised he must have a gf. But.....shamefully I continued messaging him as I just really enjoyed the contact. Then a couple of days ago he cancelled our meet as he said he had been overloaded with work. At this point I was so disappointed I instantly asked him if he has a gf as I suspected it but told him I wasn't cross and didnt change my feelings but needed to know. He denied it and then just stopped messaging. I asked him to message me and tell me what he was thinking and he blocked me. Then with the little self respect I had left, I messaged him on the dating site apologising and basically laid it out they we were so sexually compatible it would be a shame to let it go and made it clear I wouldn't ask any more questions and that I should have trusted him. I said all this knowing he prob is a dirt bag and does have a gf.  He then blocked me on the dating site. So now I'm left feeling so empty. What I cant understand is why on earth I would continue like I did with my suspicions. It was always going to end in tears yet I continued to persue him.  I've been single for the last 3 years and in this time have put on weight and have no confirdence with men. He gave me so many compliments and he was gorgeous aswell. Yes I am foolish  but I dont feel it. I just feel empty. One thing I have done is delete our whole conversation and deleted his number to try and find closure for myself. But I am totally gutted. I know I deserve it in a way as I was more than 50% sure he had a gf but I just caught feelings and just couldnt let it go.  I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or for someone to just read my story, I just feel a little lost at the moment.

[JTSW]

Hi Shocker16,

I don't think he has a GF but i do think that you were not the only one he was seeing.

You said he's gorgeous and still floated around on the dating site, so i can guarantee he was dating other girls as well as you.

He sounds like a player, a smooth talker, and when you started to figure things out about him, he bolted like a coward. 

You dodged a bullet my lovely.

You deserve so much better than that x

[Shocker16]

I def could be wrong about the gf but what made me think it additionally was this woman he lived with was much older and I saw him post a review on a site from 10 days ago for HRT medication so yes I could be wrong, yes it could be for his mother and not this older woman but my gut tells me otherwise. The whole thing was muddled, he said he was glad to have fwb and in another breath said we need to scrap fwb and admit how we really feel. I was very confused by it all but no doubt, now realise it was an angle to bed me.

 

I have dodged a bullet, I know it. It's just hard when you invest a month in someone and they pay you attention and ask day to day about your life. But deep down it is a blessing and I need to get right back on that horse as it's taken me 3 years to get here.

 

Thank you JTSW x

[Legatus]

The woman he lived with was 6 years ago, that's not basis on which you should occupy your mind thinking about. I agree with @JTSW that he was probably seeing multiple girls, sleeping with them, and you, and then ran away like a coward, once you caught up with his lies. 

It was probably a coincidence that he gave you so many compliments while playing his game at the same time as you being in your vulnerable state. 

In the end you did dodge one but I can understand that none of it can replace the emptiness you feel right now. In regards to your connection, it's hard to say if it wasn't just part of the smokescreen created by both of you and your needs. 
But hey, look at the bright side - now you can focus on yourself for you. If you didn't like how you behaved or that you put on some weight, make a promise to your self and start changing your habits. I know you can!

[Shocker16]

Thank you Legatus, you speak truth. I will def play things cooler in future, I had no right to accuse him of that.

 

I have to say everytime I see someone reply I brace myself but you have all been so great and making me open my eyes to the cold hard truth.

 

Thank you 🙂

[smackie9]

Tip: when they come on strong, give you all these insane compliments, buttering you up....that's love bombing...a player. He does that with all the girls to get laid. Best to block/delete, and learn to follow your gut instinct next time.

[Shocker16]

Thank you Smackie, I definitely feel like I've been very naive about everything and the thought of a love bomber is very scary.

 

So tonight I decided to register on a dating site properly.  Something I didn't mention before was I met the above guy mentioned on a fake profile of mine that I used to sneak a look at people before I was ready to date and by chance he messaged and we started chatting and I really liked him immediately.  

After registering on this site I feel soooo disheartened. Pretty much swiped left for everyone and cant help comparing. I think its because I was so intimate with this guy on all levels that I feel uncomfortable having to start again. Maybe I'm just not quite ready as it's still raw. But I will keep at it and the search for a decent guy is on 😁.

[S2B]

A lot of compliments, texts and decent sex has you willing to compromise having a decent man?

 

set your standards high - and don’t compromise! These types of men YOU should be eliminating - when they aren’t being decent! 
 

lies and deceptions = eliminate them.

[Shocker16]

Thank you S2B, these are things I need to hear. It may seem obvious to most but its harder when you're in the situation. It's like my friend said, you would nevwr accept your friend being in that situation and you would advise them accordingly, yet it seems almost impossible to take your own advice. The brain is a strange thing.

[S2B]

Any man can spew out fluffy words.

assess him based on his actions and effort for you...never just words.

big scammers use loads of compliments to woo women... words mean nothing.

[Ambereyes]

A few thoughts:

First about yourself. You arent the type of girl who enjoys casual sex because you end up feeling empty and hurt. It also ruins your confidence which is already low. So dont portrait yourself as one, you are just looking for pain.

Now about this guy, a few possibilities: 1. he didnt enjoy the intimate session with you. 2. he was only looking for fun but can sense that you ultimately want more from him, so he is "doing you a favor" now.

[Legatus]

Don't rush into online dating. I think you should find yourself a little bit more. You're saying you were naive but in reality you were just falling for him while he wasn't for you. Those are just feelings and nothing to be ashamed of. 

I agree with @Ambereyes that you don't seem the type for casual sex and that's totally fine. What you need to realise is that you compromised your own comfort for the feelings, hoping he would reciprocate, and when it didn't happen, it set your mind off. 

Have some time off and then go back to dating. Do not compare. Comparison between people are only accurate in our faulty imagination. Let the guys' actions speak for themselves and everything they say take with a pinch of salt. 

[Shocker16]

After finally discussing with my friend last  night I have to come to the conclusion that its not real casual that I want, I just don't want to be in a full on relationship so If and when I do start dating i need it to be really slow.  It's funny that you guys can see this when I couldnt even see it. Thank you for all your input, it's been so helpful.

 

[kendahke]

On 1/15/2020 at 6:24 PM, Shocker16 said:

I did tell him I didnt know what I wanted but was happy for some fun only. 

In the future, if this is the case, follow through as if this is your truth. Fun only, no feelings at all.

If this is not your truth,  never offer up fun only because that's all he was after and you said you were game for it.

Chances are, his gf felt a "disturbance in the force" and began snooping his phone as soon as he got in close proximity and she's the one who's been blocking you. Probably isn't his first time at this rodeo.

If you suspect, no matter how slightly, that a guy has a gf, stop pursuing them until they prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are single without you prompting them.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 1/17/2020 at 12:56 AM, Shocker16 said:

 I think its because I was so intimate with this guy on all levels

This stood out to me. 

I think you are confusing lust and the high of receiving attention for genuine intimacy. I don't say that to be unkind, but rather to get you reflect on just how intimate you can really be with a guy you hardly know and met only once in person. So I would ask yourself this: what exactly is your definition of intimacy? What counts as being intimate on "all levels?" What emotions were you attaching to your messages with him, and to your one physical encounter? 

I have a feeling that once you sit down and untangle your emotions about this, you will see that it's far less about this guy in particular, and maybe much more about wanting companionship and a good partner in general. Thus, you will come to realize you didn't miss much with this specific dude, as he wasn't a promising prospect to begin with. 

[Shocker16]

What I meant by that is it wasn't all sex talk, we talked about lots of stuff. But I definitely misunderstood his feelings for something more genuine. I was mislead a bit by him but that is down to my naivety aswell as the fact it was just plain cruel for him to mislead me like that.  I would love the casual relationship if its laid out clear to be of their intentions....but would I get attached? Maybe, that's why it's best to steer clear.