Trying to move on from non-starter

[balin]

Hey all, I've been reading back over the threads for a while and am really impressed with the discussions and wisdom given here.

Ok this all sounds so juvenile and pathetic I've been reluctant to post. I handled this badly.

I really need to somehow move on from a crush/infatuation/oneitis for a woman who I haven't seen in over 6 months but still miss dreadfully and cannot stop thinking about.

I'm 40's but apart from a few short term RL's in my 20's and early 30's I have been pretty much off the scene. This is due to a combination of getting hurt badly by an unrequited love years ago and being disinclined to get back out there, so I'm pretty inexperienced and clueless for my age though not a virgin.

This woman kind of woke me up to what I have been missing - I met her just over 2 years ago.

She is a barperson (a lot younger - 20's) in the local bar I used to go to several times a week and from when I met her there was an amazing chemistry and connection between us.

She appeared to start displaying unavoidably noticeable curiosity and interest around April 2018 (talking and laughing with me more than others, asking me about work, what I did, prolonged incredible eye contact, giving me other peoples change lol) and I started falling for her majorly. Absolutely off-the-chart beautiful woman, intelligent, mature, very cool, confident, self-assured, wicked sense of humour. I got such a spark and affinity for her whenever I was around her.

Well in June 2018 there seemed to be increasing tension between us so I STUPIDLY told her I was after getting a bit of a crush over the recent weeks. I was clueless and rusty and didn't realise how dumb this was. It caught her off guard and she asked why was I telling her this and I said to clear the air. The bar was packed and she was whisked off to serve others. Why didn't I just ask her out for a drink or bite to eat instead ffs.

A few days later I was in the bar and she was working and I said to her "Hey xxx, look sorry for the way I blurted that out last time". She said "No worries!". I then asked if it was mutual and she said no, but not a problem and everything could proceed as normal.

For the next few weeks she would either be ok as ever or definitely quite cool. That really hurt and I was going to stop going there altogether. The last thing I wanted was for her to be uncomfortable at work, but after a couple of weeks everything went back to normal only I still had all these feelings for her which I hid as well as I could. She stayed really friendly and chatty and would still hit me with this deep gaze and smile when chatting or returning my change. Wtf, it was actually unnerving. I could gaze into her eyes for hours, but over the counter, being professional it was weird.

The bar closed down mid 2019 with short notice and everyone dispersed and I haven't seen her since. It been so hard to even process the notion that I wouldn't see her again. I sent her a FB message a to re-connect and ask her out now that she was no longer working there, but the message status remained at Sent, not Delivered or Read. So I guess she didn't get it or declined to even read it. So gutted.

I guess I built up a fantasy of what it would be like to date and get into an RL and all the lovely intimacy, sex, sharing lives, all of that. But it was based on nothing and my imagination took an indulgent journey for itself and I got really invested when clearly there was no reason to do so. And it has been literally years since I have caught such feelings for someone - and never so intense or 'she is it' I don't think.

I have joined a few OLD sites to try and move on but I can't get enthusiastic about anyone I've seen or chatted with on OLD. Unless I'm directly focused on something she is in my head nearly all the time, and what might have been, and how I f**ked this and that up etc etc.

What on earth happened here? Did she like me? And I screwed it up by telling her I had caught a crush? Or was she just being professional and saw me as a dalliance or curiosity for entertainment? If I bump into her on the street and the form is good should I ask her out on a date? The non-response on FB should tell me to drop hope. It's just been good to vent.

I've learned a LOT from reading the threads here and I wish I'd come across this site 18 months ago for advice while things were transpiring.

 

[balin]

I knew back then that she was probably just being very friendly and maybe a bit teasing, and that the chances of reciprocation were so unlikely what with the age gap that I was 90% headed for heartbreak.

It's just been so long since I caught feelings for someone I just enjoyed it and the ego boost and did nothing whatsoever to protect myself and then forgot how much it bloody hurts.

Edited January 16, 2020 by balin

[preraph]

No she didn't like you in that way. Servers are paid to keep people coming back. They have to be nice and act interested in everyone especially bar people. I just can't imagine why you would have asked her out after she already told you no. She wasn't ever interested. She was just doing her job. 

 

I remember when I was young two of the guys I knew and one of them that I was pretty in love with both thought they were in love with a bar server, the same barmaid , and I had to hear about it from both of them. She had told both of them who she liked and it wasn't them, but you just couldn't convince them. 

 

You just have to accept reality. It's a sad fact that you wasted a lot of time on someone especially after they told you they weren't interested. You're certainly not the only person on Earth who has done that and I've wasted a lot of time on a couple of different people too, but at 67, when I look back and say what would I have changed, that's at the top of the list. 

 

Servers and waiters and waitresses all get very sick of people coming onto them. It happens all the time. I'm sure you were one of a dozen guys doing the same thing with that one.

[balin]

Thanks for responding preraph.

I wouldn't usually hit on 20 somethings but she was just so funny and conspiratorial and always hovering around me that it was impossible not to sit up and take notice and get smitten.

1 hour ago, preraph said:

I just can't imagine why you would have asked her out after she already told you no.

Yeah, I sent the FB message a few months after the bar closed. I had previously blurted out I had caught a bit of a crush, not actually asked her out. So I thought I would try and re-connect first, then suggest a date. Dumb I know. I didn't actually ask her out (yet) in that message but it looks like she didn't read it in any case.

It's funny because I want to get over it and the ouch of it all and move on yet I don't want to forget about her because knowing her was so amazing. Ultimately it is probably the rejection that hurts and I'm not used to it as I hardly ever put myself out there.

It's been a good shake up for me though and I do want to get out there and date, just need to toughen up and don't fall so easily.

Damn.

Edited January 16, 2020 by balin

[preraph]

Just know that in retail, in bars, in restaurants, and in your own workplace, people feel it's a necessary part of their job to be friendly and well liked and that it benefits them ultimately in the pocketbook.  That's why workplace romances are so iffy.  

 

You just have to accept this was one-sided.  People who work in bars are notoriously jovial and friendly.  It's their job.  It's their skill.  

 

I'm so sorry it left you bereft, but the only way to get past that is start trying to meet new people.  And best not to tell someone you are crushing on them.  Best to just ask them out if you feel there's a vibe there, and then accept the verdict the first time. Just don't try it with servers and coworkers if you want a better result.  

[2BGoodAgain]

you do know that's her job... to be chatty, and conversational, etc... 

i mean, yeah.. mebbe you didn't give her the creep vibes, but that doesn't mean she's interested in you. Also, even if she was interested, that kind of age gap.. it's most likely a temp thing, nothing permanent. Most likely, she was being friendly b/c...well, it's a bar... no one likes to buy drinks/food from an unfriendly bartender/waitress.. and it's their job to get the customers happy or talkative, etc.. it also makes the day go by faster, than silence... tbh.

I don't mean to burst your bubble, but i think this was mostly from you than her... 

as for why you're still stuck on her... as your own history tells, you tend to fall hard and linger there... also, fantasy is always much more fun than reality... and what you know about her is fantasy... the best parts of her... like you said. it's an infatuation.

The faster you accept how she felt about you, the faster you'll move on... b/c right now, the only person keeping you here is you. She hasn't given you any indication she wants to talk to you outside the bar... hence.. it was her job to talk to you.

move on, my friend...

 

 

[balin]

I worked in bars during my 20's and do understand that bar staff are paid to be nice.

This one just seemed so different and I had a distinct feeling she was assessing me or sizing me up. Maybe she was at first, and came to a decision in her own time. In any case over several months I just fell for her, simple and stupid as that. I should have really asked her out much much earlier to get my intent out there but was conscious of both the fact that she was being paid to be nice and the age difference, so stalled and balked.

Thanks so much guys. It really good to post about it and the feedback here is very helpful in getting past it and on with it.

Edited January 17, 2020 by balin

[balin]

I have been frequenting bars for years and years and often chat to the staff having done a lot of bar work myself and have never had this happen. How and why did I get feel such a connection and get so attached to this one. Her beauty and charm I guess. God.

I just have to accept reality. I do... but it really takes long for the involuntary pangs of yearning to cease. Constantly turning things over in the back of my mind. I suppose it's all a process of learning from mistakes and gleaning knowledge from the whole thing. But it's been long enough such that it's a waste of time and energy now. FORGET her balin.

 

Edited January 22, 2020 by balin

[Foxhall]

well on the positive side you enjoyed the female company and being able to hold conversation and banter with a younger woman.

thats good enough you know,

use that experience to help talk to more women and getting to know different women,

I recall I got hung up on a women in my early 20s and found it hard to move past that,

the reality is I have met a lot of much more interesting women since, so there will always be many more women that you will connect with, it just takes time

Personally I have always been good at making friends with women but poor enough at getting to the relationship level,or sustaining it,

if you keep making acquaintances though, you should come across one that you will click with and will reciprocate some interest towards you,

the reality for you though is you have to be realistic, 40 plus age wise, maybe late 30s if ur lucky, but aim within your limits.

 

[balin]

Yes, I do need to be realistic of course and stick to closer to my general age group.

This woman has the most beautiful face and eyes I have ever seen. But much younger. So yes... way out of my league. She is just so different and more mature than most her age I thought she might have unconventional leanings possibly toward older men? I don't know. I just couldn't understand all the attention I was getting from her, and she was so damn alluring with it I thought it *COULD* be interest being displayed here. I certainly would have loved to date her and learn more about her. Amazing woman.

However, in the end she is not interested now and probably wasn't at the start, just having fun. I was probably out of my depth with her and she could tell. It's been hard to take going from the last time we chatted before the bar closed to absolutely nothing. Gotta just accept it. I really enjoyed her company and humour over the 18 odd months. I miss her.

I have been amazed at how emotionally intelligent and wise the posters here are and quite shocked at how much ground I've lost and have to make up by being out of the whole romance/relationships sphere. I just haven't been actively seeking romance or relationships in a long time. I guess I just got accustomed to being single like many do. She really changed that.

Ah well. Plenty of room for improvement. I need to get out of my comfort zone and approach women a lot more. And, rather than trying to impress that I am a reassuringly sound guy *yawn*, tease a bit more.

[spiderowl]

I’m sorry this happened to you. While she was being friendly, she was drawing you in more than is professional. There is a difference between being nice to customers and being flirtatious. Unfortunately some combine the two and it is hard to tell that it’s just friendliness.

Of course we are all vulnerable to wishful thinking too. 

i guess all you can do is to learn from this and make sure someone feels the same as you before getting too attached. Easier said than done, I know! 

This is no reflection on you or your attractiveness. There was an age gap and many will not go for that. 

It can be hard to get over something that could have been rather than was. It leaves so much unanswered and seemingly unfinished and the mind does not cope well with unfinished. Once you realise though that your brain is struggling to complete a situation that cannot be completed, hopefully you will be able to accept that it is always going to be unfinished. There is no point languishing in misery.

Edited February 12, 2020 by spiderowl

[elaine567]

On 1/17/2020 at 2:16 PM, balin said:

I should have really asked her out much much earlier to get my intent out there but was conscious of both the fact that she was being paid to be nice and the age difference, so stalled and balked.

Forget about this, had you asked her out earlier the answer would have still been the same.
She was very clear and blunt about where she stood. No mutual interest.
I guess this kind of a thing happens to her quite a lot and she is used to dealing with "amorous" guys in the bar. 
I really don't know why you decided to message her on FB...
When women say NO, they mean NO.

It is now almost 2 years later, time to put this one to bed.

[balin]

@spiderowl Thanks for your empathy, I did nothing to prevent myself falling for her, knowing that heartache was the most likely outcome. Stupid.  I'll be more careful in future.

@elaine567 Thanks

I meant I should have asked her soon after meeting her and before catching strong feelings and putting her on a pedestal which can't have escaped her. Probably would have had the same response like you say.

The FB message was months after I last saw her and was an idiotic thing to do with hindsight and I am kicking myself. Yes, time to move on - it takes so long for the involuntary thoughts to go away. It's fading gradually though.

 

 

[Difficultstuff]

Just wanted to post as some of what you wrote feels very familiar to me. Also 40s M, also 'off the scene' for a while and a bit 'clueless', also a 20s F I've not seen in 6 months but who I got strong feelings for. You can read my post, but the main difference is she reciprocated but was engaged and we turned into a kind of EA.

I relate to the what ifs and the rumination and sense of unfinished business. Also, not in this case so much, but I've definitely in the past confessed a crush and felt stupid and juvenile.

Sounds like you're working through it and doing good at knowing where you didn't protect yourself. Not much to add to what others have said, really just writing to express my empathy here.

[balin]

Thanks for your words! It's tough isn't it. I don't think anyone ever has had such an affect on me. She is/WAS so damn cool and impressive and lovely and tough all at the same time. I could go on with superlatives... I do try and list her faults to myself but I'm still blinded so find it hard to think of any. Besides I didn't get a chance to get to know her outside of her work so really don't know her too well if I'm forced to admit, even though I did know her for 18ish months and all instincts were raging positive, high high value. I wanted to get to know her moody and dark side too.

Edited February 18, 2020 by balin

[balin]

I think I fell into the trap of idealising some one when smitten, I was aware it was happening and kept telling myself to "Stoppit stoppit!" But my feelings ignored good sense. Live and learn. I need to learn how to avoid it happening in future and keep it cool and breezy inside.

Edited February 20, 2020 by balin