SaltPalpitation Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 7 years after my divorce, 7 years after i broke my vows and betrayed the only man i ever loved. 7 years after i wrecked my own home and became a stranger in the eyes of my children, even after all this i am still hoping with fibre of my being to have my family back. Hello all! After some encouragement by a dear friend whom is also a member) under the name HaileySunshineLady) i chose to post my story and hopefully get some advice in the process. I met the love of my life in college, he was so different from the guys i usually dated. For one, he was not some alcohol crazed sports jock. He was book smart, hardworking and had a clear vision of where he wanted to be in life. He always went after what he wanted especially in his persuit of me - He seemed relentless (and believe me i did NOT make it easy for him). He eventually won me over with his quick wit and boyish charm, and by the time we finished college i knew i wanted to marry this man. He loved and cherished me in a way noone else has, and he helped me grow and be a better version of myself. So when he proposed i couldnt say yes fast enough. I suddenly became left handed as i wanted the world to know i was taken and proud of it. (If only i had held onto this way of thinking then perhaps i wouldn't have lost everything). And on our wedding day i was filled with so much joy it literally felt like i could float away and not come back down. We hit a bit of a rough patch after our daughter was born. But we worked through it. A few uears later, our son was born and my husband got a promotion at work. Both of which are a cause for celebration but for some reason i felt unfulfilled. This feeling seemed to persist as time went on. Eventually it began to affect our marriage. The bickering started over small but honestly inconsequential things, not sure why but for some reason i just had to be right even when i was wrong. Then i did something a wife should never do (i call this the first betrayal). I started to take my husband for granted. I disregarded his opinions when i should have held them high, i never apologized for anything when i should have swallowed my pride and made peace when necessary. I greeted him with complaints and demands instead of welcoming him home with love and understanding after hes had a hard day at work. Then i did the unthinkable (my second and ultimate betrayal) and i gave myself to another whom in all honesty isnt even half the man my husband is. Due to the seemingly never ending issues in my marriage i found myself confiding in a male coworker. We had always been friendly with each other so it had made sense at the time to vent to him (If only i had known what was to come of our friendship, the reward waiting for me at the end of it all. I would have ran for dear life in the opposite direction). Just as thr bickering and fighting became an almost daily routine so was my talking / venting between me and my coworker as well. Eventually, our conversations turned flirtatious. Then we began meeting outside of work for drinks and business related dinners. (This was the excuse i used for our meetings at first). During these times he would encourage my behavior towards my husband and would tell me my husband needs to learn how lucky he is to have me, when in reality it was me who was the lucky one. The first time we were physical was at his place after a considerable amount of alcohol. Afterwards i remember going home at 2:30am, climbing into bed next to my husband and immediately being hit with intense guilt. My very first thought was how could i do this to the man i love and decided that it wouldnt happen again. But of course i couldn't stick to that. We were like two beasts going at each other, the lust we had was quite literally insatiable. Even during office hours we found ways to pleasure each other. (Mostly oral). We even did things i would never do with my husband. (This sickens me whenever i think about it). During all this i was barely intimate with my husband and because of the guilt whenever he would try to hug or cuddle me i pushed him away, but had no problem going back to my OM's arms. The inevitable happened when my OM thought it was a good idea to secretly record one of our sexual encounters and send it to me as a surprise. My husband was of course getting suspicious and happened to be using my laptop when this message came as if on cue to confirm his fears. I will never forget the heavy breaths he was taking, the shaking of his hands or the look of shame, humiliation and anger in his eyes when he confronted me. I froze, no words came out of my mouth for what seemed like forever. He must have taken that as confirmation because he turned to leave, i started screaming for him to wait, to give me a chance to explain. To my surprise he stopped looked me dead in the eye and said in a voice so cold it gave me shivers, "Explain". But i couldn't simply because nothing could ever justify what i had done to my family. Instead i begged him not to leave, that he could have another woman and i would look the other way. But this only served to enrage him further as he told me he was going for a divorce and full custody of our children. He moved into the guest room and basically ignored my existence. But only spoke when it concerned the children. Two and a half months later i was served, i cannot begin to describe my feelings holding those papers as i collapsed at work. It felt like the world disappeared under my feet. One week before the court date i managed to finally sit down and talk to my husband about our marriage, i asked if it was salvageable, if there was anything i could do - ANYTHING to save our family. What he told me left a scar which hasnt healed to this day. He said "I have loved you since the moment i met you, i have loved you when i put that ring on your finger, i loved you when i said i do and throughout our marriage. And I'll probably love you till the day i enter my grave. But i cannot have you at my side, i cannot go out against the world and trust my back to you when all you do is drive a knide through it. Clearly my love wasnt enough you have gone above and beyond to prove that." i dont think i have ever cried as much as i did that night. Throughout all this my OM was hinting at us being together and was still sending flirtatious nessages which quite frankly irritated and disgusted me. But the one i was most disgusted with was myself for allowing such a man into my life. I cut off all contact and left the company. (Although be it too late). That was 7 years ago. And recently my husband(ex) had dinner with me and it was amazing, and he has agreed to have a second dinner just the two of us and i am beyond happy. So my question is how do i show him im serious about us - that his back and heart are safe with me? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 7 years is a long time..... do you feel he wants to start again? or just wants to be friends? the thing is, you can do everything in your power... therapy, counseling, improve yourself... but be prepared that if he doesn't want to... that's it. also... it's good that you appreciate(afterwards) the value of your relationship to your ex-H, but know your value too. Believe it or not, not valuing yourself is also the reason why you cheated... b/c if you had valued yourself and the relationship, you wouldn't have... or at least, less likely to. So yes, you did wrong. Yes, you hurt him, but don't make him into something he isn't. Yes, he's a good man(you know him better than i)... yes, he was faithful to you.. yes you destroyed the relationship, but if you want a relationship with him aka marriage/etc.. then you two need to build a new relationship with him... all the memories you have of him/you two... it's gone.. you destroyed it, so you two(IF he wants to).... need to build a new relationship... So start simple... talk with him... but as much as you want to, don't jump into it both feet... you cheated once, and im' not going to say you'll cheat again... but it's there now... you need to(if you haven't already) taken steps to find out WHY you cheated, so you can have a handle on it... b/c often we see the RESULTS of our cheating, but not the real CAUSE of it. I know you feel you were lonely and unappreciative... but those are symptoms, not the cause... anyway... take it one step at a time, and take it slowly, even if your impulse is to leap both feet in... your prev history/relationship is gone/destroyed. you two need to build a new relationship, if possible, and highly recommend couples counseling... b/c i'm sure there are hurts he has within him, that he should deal with if there's even a remote chance of starting a new relationship with you. good luck! your worth/identity is NOT your worst mistake... you can change, you can grow, you can make better decisions. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 Even if you get back together, it will never ever be the same because he will never ever be able to trust you again. That's what happens when someone you love betrays you. It not only ruined your trust for them but it ruins your trust for everyone, because if the person you thought loved you could do something so hurtful to you, then everyone can hurt and betray you without a second thought. You need to accept that it can never be like it once was. It will never go back to the way it was even if he tries and even if you try. There will always be a wall. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 In the time after my d-day, my H said to me: "You were the one person who was supposed to have my back. And you didn't." I have never forgotten those words. You made a choice to have an affair; your husband made the choice to divorce. He has the right to make whatever choices he wants in his life, seven years ago, and today. You cannot make him "change his mind" no matter how much you want to. All you can do is let him lead, let him set the pace. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. All you can do is work on yourself and be the best person you can be. My H and I reconciled. Like preraph said, our marriage is not the same as it was before the A. I would say that ours is stronger, because I worked hard on myself and our marriage, and my H also worked on our marriage. In the aftermath of the affair, we talked through not only A-related things, but all the issues in our relationship, covering over 15+ years. I was extremely fortunate to be given a second chance, and my marriage is a priority to me, on good days and bad. I understand my H may still have trust issues, and so now, even ten years later, I am transparent with him. Not because I "have to be" but because I want to be, and I want to share. I want to make sure he knows every day, I have his back. I try to show him this through my normal actions. Good luck. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 You seem to be quite sincere and I wish you luck with the reconciliation attempt. From what I understand from reading around here indeed you will need to build a new marriage (not recreate the one from prior to cheating). Since it's been 7 years you both have had a chance to grow, so you will actually BE slightly different people now. Your readiness does not mean he's doing more than taking a stroll down memory lane with this, but perhaps he'll be willing to try. That said, you seem to be putting your Ex on quite the pedestal. Are you sure that's healthy? What about all those arguments and coldness you both had when you had the affair? Consider the possibility that you may have some Borderline tendencies. If that's right, consider therapy. Either way, IF you are fortunate enough to start reconciling, then work on better conflict resolution skills (both of you) so the rough patches aren't so bad this time around. GL... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 I wish you well if this is what you think you want. You kind of described your self as a bitchy person after your husbands promotion in your post. Have you worked to change that about yourself in these 7 years? For any of us it's a big difference between a realization of a not so attractive trait and doing something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 Does your XH know that you did things with the OM that you never did with him? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 In some ways this is similar to our story. We divorced and were apart some time, not as long as you. Here is the problem we faced. Even after divorce, if you guys make a run at a new relationship the old one has to be dealt with. The affair has to be dealt with, questions will have to be answered. Are you comfortable telling your ex how great the sex was? That you did things you would never do with him? How many times you had sex? Where you had sex? Did you have sex in your home? 7 years apart doesn't fix anything. It's a difficult journey, I put my wife through hell. At first testing her, then later because I was scared that I was letting her too close. Link to post Share on other sites
HappySenior Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 Similar to my own story of my previous marriage (before the recent divorce). I am still not over that marriage and I don't suppose I ever will be. It has been 12 years now. But my XSO had his own affair and chose to leave me and divorce once it started. (There was a bit of manipulation and guilt-making on the part of his AP as well.) My affair was online, and I was actually under the "false" impression that I was being a better person in the marriage because I was getting my needs met and trying to be less selfish in other ways. However, being involved with his AP by then, my husband couldn't see those efforts. He was too invested in seeing the AP as his angel. Yes I married again, but I had truly believed that I could actually have a better marriage than I had previously. But he was not the man I believed he was (lying, being selfish, not treating me like a wife, being verbally abusive, etc.) and the longer we were married the more I missed my even-tempered previous ex. My ex married the AP a year after the divorce. I cut off contact with my ex AP and have not regretted doing so whatever. The affair had been "winding down" at the time of my ex-husband's affair - but it was really too late. I was horrible to have done that as well. The only thing I can say to my credit is that it wasn't "hidden". I never lied about it, and my ex knew everything that went on. In my stupid head, that made it "okay", because he didn't outright tell me to stop or say he would leave if I didn't or even express much emotion about it. In my brain I convinced myself it didn't really bother him because it took the pressure off him to provide me with attention and conversation. (He had always paid more attention to work than to me, for the most part. But that's no excuse.) Whatever happens OP, I hope you are able to solve the heartache some way. I know I never will and though I am happy in my new (single) life, I know I will never stop missing the previous ex because we were married so long and so young that he will always be a part of me some way. There are certain things that make me smile sometimes, because of those reminders. But when I end up telling some new friend "my story" there are the inevitable tears and a dose of shame at who I used to be. I don't know that I will ever be able to find anyone I could be that close to again; a person I could tell everything to. When I tried to be that close with my recent ex-husband, he just used my feelings against me whenever he felt like putting me down. But yours is the first other story I have read where a person is still missing their former spouse after such a long time. Thank you, Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 Hi SP, well here is wishful thinking. Can I ask a few questions about you, AP and EXBS? Have you had any IC since the A was discovered or after D? What has changed within you so to be a safe partner for your ExHubby? Have you had any new partners after the D? Do you or have you kept in contact with the AP? Has ExHubby had any new partners since the D? Does he know everything about your A, sex and the things never done with him and why? Can he see you as a safe partner? Sounds like you haven’t moved on from the D but have you addressed your selfish reasons for deciding to have the A in the first place? R is great if both parties what it but can he just trying to be nice to the mother of his children? kind regards Buffer Link to post Share on other sites
AriesMan83 Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 SaltPalpitation, I believe there are couples who have divorced due to infidelity and reconciled. Affairs are an addiction.You couldn't stop because you were addicted to the excitement and ego boost that you felt during the affair. Affairs are an escape from the reality and stress of daily life.What will you do if you find yourself in a stressful situation in a new relationship?You should do IC to find out why you had an affair.IC can help you not only finding your reasons of having an affair but also help you develop better boundaries and strong coping skills.It will help you become an authentic and safe partner for your future relationships.You can have an honest discussion with him about both of your expectations.You can explain to him the reasons why you want him to give you an opportunity.If he agrees to it, you can explain to him what have you learnt in your IC and how you are changing yourself.Time and consistent actions on your behalf will help him see how you have improved.He may ask you questions about the affair.Pls answer as many times as he asks.If he agrees to reconciliation,you will have to go to MC to sort out the marriage issues pre-affair.Has your husband been to IC to heal and cope with your affair? Pls remember he may not agree to reconciliation.Pls continue with your IC even if he doesn't agree.You need to lead a authentic life for yourself and your kids. I hope that he gives you an opportunity and you both can build a new and stronger marriage with realistic expectations and stable,mature love for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
AriesMan83 Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 Salt palpitation, I have a question.You mentioned in your post that during your seperation and subsequent divorce from your husband,xOM was sending your flirtatious messages. Why didn't you block him on all social media,email I'd and phone then?Why didn't you tell him that you were not interested in being with him and hate him for helping you destroy your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaltPalpitation Posted January 17, 2020 Author Share Posted January 17, 2020 Thanks for the replies and i'll try to answer as many of questions as possible 1.Did i do counseling- Yes alot of it and one of the my issues i discovered was that i was intellectually intimidated by my ex H. He is a chemist by profession so my fighting was my dumb way of trying to prove myself and after my son was born i had post- natal depression 2. Did we talk about my affair-Yes but only at my prompting for it to clear the air (so to speak) and no we didn't go into detail about what me and the exOM because to him it didnt matter what i did only that it rested in ending our marriage. 3. Did we see other people after iur divorce? - yes, i tried. But he was always on my mind. And i couldnt help but compare the others to him. As for him yes, there was one woman in particular whom he was serious with for two years. And quite frankly i hated her. Because she was young pretty and incredibly smart (medical student). The onlt reason why they didnt work out was because she had to leave to Germany for a medical program and he wouldn't do long distance. (This was a big relief to me). 4. Do i expect it to be the same? No because who we were before is exactly what got us into this mess. (mostly on my part). 5. Am i putting him on a high pedastal? Perhaps - but when you are facrd eith your own faults and you can't help but see the positives in hind sight. 😔 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AriesMan83 Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 Salt palpitation, You mentioned that that you felt intimidated by your husband and so fought with your husband to prove yourself. If you don't mind me asking did you discover the reasons why you had an affair. If your husband agrees to reconcile,I would suggest you to read 2 books- How to heal your spouse from your affair by Linda MacDonald 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman Both of you can read these books.Both of you can also go for Couples Counselling to work on the issues pre affair. Best of luck to you and I hope that your husband gives you a second chance.. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 Hear is hoping, good luck. Buffer Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 I get he DIDN'T want to know. I didn't want any details because I was divorcing and details didn't matter at that point. We were apart sometime and slowly started to reconnect. Once we begun to get serious the details of the affair became very important, why became very important. I'm hope your prepared, because if you two get serious he will want to know somethings, how much is the only question. Its important that you are honest about everything he asks. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaltPalpitation Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 On 1/16/2020 at 7:55 PM, Bittersweetie said: In the time after my d-day, my H said to me: "You were the one person who was supposed to have my back. And you didn't." I have never forgotten those words. You made a choice to have an affair; your husband made the choice to divorce. He has the right to make whatever choices he wants in his life, seven years ago, and today. You cannot make him "change his mind" no matter how much you want to. All you can do is let him lead, let him set the pace. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. All you can do is work on yourself and be the best person you can be. My H and I reconciled. Like preraph said, our marriage is not the same as it was before the A. I would say that ours is stronger, because I worked hard on myself and our marriage, and my H also worked on our marriage. In the aftermath of the affair, we talked through not only A-related things, but all the issues in our relationship, covering over 15+ years. I was extremely fortunate to be given a second chance, and my marriage is a priority to me, on good days and bad. I understand my H may still have trust issues, and so now, even ten years later, I am transparent with him. Not because I "have to be" but because I want to be, and I want to share. I want to make sure he knows every day, I have his back. I try to show him this through my normal actions. Good luck. Im glad to hear that you made it but im equally as jealous that your husband chose to stay with you. Sometimes in fact most times im filled wuth what ifs. What if he forgave me, what if i chose to end the affair and not tell him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaltPalpitation Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 Update!! So we had our second dinner and it was wonderful. Conversation was effortless, he made me laugh at the silliest things and that charm that made me fall for him all those years ago was still present. By the end of the evening we ended up back at his place (our old Marital home) and we were intimate. It was like i could breathe again, i dont know how else to describe it but by feeling complete. For the first time I dreaded the coming morning for a different reason, i didnt want to leave his chest, i didnt want to stop listening to his heart beat or the breaths he was taking. But alas! Morning did come but before I left i decided to make him his favorite breakfast. I served him expecting him to be surprised that i had remembered what he liked but was greeted with a sad smile. He told me he knew i meant well but this hasnt been his favorite for a long time fir obvious reasons. I felt embarrassed and tried to take his plate away but he still ate nonetheless. On the way out, i happened to run into my daughter. It was awkward for a few seconds but we did some small talk and made plans for a girls day out. Just as i was about to leave she took hold of my hand asked if me and her father are getting back together, i told her that i hoped so. She slightly squeezed my hand and told me not to hurt him again or she'll never forgive me. It seems I'm still the villain in my daughter's eyes. Its like I've taken one step forward only to take three steps back its a bit disheartening. Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 Ok, sounds like a good evening. Were you able or did you talk at all about the A? As well as apologies for the hurting of him and the children? buffer Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, SaltPalpitation said: Im glad to hear that you made it but im equally as jealous that your husband chose to stay with you. Sometimes in fact most times im filled wuth what ifs. What if he forgave me, what if i chose to end the affair and not tell him? I learned early on after d-day that spending time thinking about what ifs was a waste of mental energy. We cannot change the past, all we can do is choose how we act moving forward. So I decided to spend my time and energy focused on addressing my own issues and becoming a healthy and authentic person. And please don't make the mistake of thinking that because my husband chose to stay with me it has been unicorns and rainbows. Far from it. To get to the place we are now, we both had to walk through hell and back. And it was my choices and actions that took us down that path. The path of affair recovery does tend to be one step forward, three steps back. That is not unusual. Just because it is seven years later does not negate the fact your relationship is in affair recovery; it's just happening later. Take a deep breath and continue to work on yourself. Edited January 20, 2020 by Bittersweetie 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dimjo9 Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 Hi Saltpalpitation.. hope im wrong but your ex H might be missing the medical student that went to Germany @ take comfort in you. If that Lady comes back what will happen to you? I can sense she loves your ex H dearly @ they might still be in contact. By now because of what you did to him 7 years ago he’s wiser & learn a lot from the pain you’ve caused him. You might be his rebound from that relationship. Accept it @ work to win him back. “Hope springs eternal”.. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 If you are to have an intimate relationship again, then your exH needs to be able to tell you every time he feels vulnerable or triggered. By doing so, you are building intimacy between the two of you. He didn't have to be honest or vulnerable. The best response is for you to dig deep within yourself for the strength and coping skills you have been developing in IC and to offer him selfless support. If there's any chance for a future for you two, he needs to see that he is safe with you . . . not just physically but emotionally as well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 Happy for you SP, hope it works out! Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 (edited) The only thing you can do is to be open honest with your ex. Also pray that that medical student doesn’t come back into his life. You do understand your ex other man could’ve got revenge by putting your video out there right. Edited January 26, 2020 by usa1ah Link to post Share on other sites
Dimjo9 Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 2 minutes ago, usa1ah said: The only thing you can do is to be open honest with your ex. Also pray that that medical student doesn’t come back into his life. You do understand your ex other man could’ve got revenge by putting your video out there right. Hi usa1ah, You are right.. the AP can post the video of the sexual encounter & she doesn’t know how many? Hope she was able to ask the OM to completely delete everything. I can see the H & medical student getting back, share a good life & family.. Link to post Share on other sites
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