Even after 7 years I still hope for reconciliation

[usa1ah]

5 hours ago, Dimjo9 said:

Hi usa1ah,

You are right.. the AP can post the video of the sexual encounter & she doesn’t know how many?

Hope she was able to ask the OM to completely delete everything. 
 

I can see the H & medical student getting back, share a good life & family.. 

 

 

 

Same. I hate the fact that this sort of thing happens. 

[lovinit]

On 1/16/2020 at 8:14 AM, SaltPalpitation said:

We even did things i would never do with my husband.

[snip]

So my question is how do i show him im serious about us - that his back and heart are safe with me?

Unless you can successfully resolve this problem (and I highly doubt you can) I don't believe his back and heart can ever be safe with you. When you can give the best of your sexually intimate self to another man--a man that made zero commitment to you and was never really there for you through thick and thin--repeatedly, then there is no way you can say that his heart is safe with you. Not really. Saying so simply tells me you have no idea what it takes to take care of the heart of a man that loves you. Marriage is about giving, and you apparently weren't born with that gene. You chose to cheat and give away to the undeserving an important part of yourself while expressly saying you'd never do that with the man who is presumably the love of your life. And, as far as I can tell, you'd still be doing so if not for a secret video from the man you formed such a deep sexual connection with. Deep down you'll always know that you hurt him far worse than he'll ever know. So if he's the love of your life, then love him by setting him free--forever. From what you described, he deserves that. Let him find a women that will give him her all, and help him with that if you can. And don't allow your petty, selfish jealousy to dominate your thoughts and actions in the process. Again, it's about giving. Finally, being surprised that your daughter 'still' sees you as the villain is kind of ridiculous. Whether you like the label or not, you are the villain. That will never go away; you didn't just screw over you ex-husband, you screwed over your entire family. And her back and heart aren't cared for by you either.

When we're still in the embryonic stage, after 512 cells are created, our hearts are formed. The next major thing to form is our tongue. So in a very real way our hearts are connected to our tongues. When you chose to share your tongue and heart with another man going farther sexually than you ever would with the man that loved, supported, and was raising a family with you till death do you part, basically you s*** on your husbands heart. It sucks now that you regret it, but that's what you did. And s*** stains don't really go away.

 

 

Edited January 27, 2020 by lovinit

[lovinit]

On 1/25/2020 at 5:56 PM, oldtruck said:

I do not understand the hate strangers have for a remorseful WS

First, hate isn't the right word. Second, I don't really think she's remorseful either. 'Not sympathetic', and 'regretful' would be better word choices. If you read what she posted, she's *very* self-centered: she is a big part of creating the toxicity in her marriage because she's bored; she then repeatedly cheats; she shares parts of herself she would *never* share with her husband; she stops only when she gets caught; her husband moves on (because he has to) and she's petty and selfish about her husband losing a woman he cared for; and literally seven years later while she's trying to weasel her way back in she's surprised that her daughter 'still' sees her as the villain. A husband has to deal with the life altering pain, humiliation, and starting over after being crushed. And a kid has her life ripped apart by the same woman. And that woman is surprised the kid is not over it only wondering if the ex-husband will take her back. Yep. Regret is the right word, not remorse.

Edited January 27, 2020 by lovinit

[SaltPalpitation]

On 1/20/2020 at 11:10 AM, Bittersweetie said:

I learned early on after d-day that spending time thinking about what ifs was a waste of mental energy. We cannot change the past, all we can do is choose how we act moving forward. So I decided to spend my time and energy focused on addressing my own issues and becoming a healthy and authentic person. 

And please don't make the mistake of thinking that because my husband chose to stay with me it has been unicorns and rainbows. Far from it. To get to the place we are now, we both had to walk through hell and back. And it was my choices and actions that took us down that path. The path of affair recovery does tend to be one step forward, three steps back. That is not unusual. Just because it is seven years later does not negate the fact your relationship is in affair recovery; it's just happening later. Take a deep breath and continue to work on yourself.

Thank you so much for your words of comfort, counciling only goes so far where as people who in your situation can also provide a new perspective

Edited January 30, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
thread clean up

[Buffer]

Good luck

[Betrayed&Stayed]

On 1/16/2020 at 10:14 AM, SaltPalpitation said:

So my question is how do i show him im serious about us - that his back and heart are safe with me?

First off, you can't come close to comprehending the damage you have done to your husband. Some things (video) can't be unseen. Mind-movies are bad enough and last years. The damage of a real video of the sexual betrayal is beyond repair.

Second, In situations like this, you can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. He will never let you back into his life. To do that would ruin his mental health and destroy him slowly from the inside out.

You knew what was a stake, and still did it. This is the natural consequences of your selfish decisions.

My hope is that you get professional counseling and learn to forgive yourself.

[Dimjo9]

2 hours ago, Betrayed&Stayed said:

First off, you can't come close to comprehending the damage you have done to your husband. Some things (video) can't be unseen. Mind-movies are bad enough and last years. The damage of a real video of the sexual betrayal is beyond repair.

Second, In situations like this, you can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. He will never let you back into his life. To do that would ruin his mental health and destroy him slowly from the inside out.

You knew what was a stake, and still did it. This is the natural consequences of your selfish decisions.

My hope is that you get professional counseling and learn to forgive yourself.

Hi,

Sexual Videos of partners usually have consent detailing the steamy act except in cases of threat, imminent danger or under duress.

They probably have lots & for the OM his collection for FUTURE REFERENCES. Posting on adult websites is possible or might even be done.

Since this was taken during the period of their relationship no criminal aspect its consensual. The H mistake is becoming cozy with her again like getting back in the line of fire.

She needs to plead & beg him for the tapes no matter how hard.. in case they R & the H sees’s another version its over...

H is putting his recovery in jeopardy..

 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Dimjo9 said:

Since this was taken during the period of their relationship no criminal aspect its consensual.

 

Possibly not. There are "revenge porn" laws in many areas, so IF she found it online possibly she could have him charged.

[Dimjo9]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

 

Possibly not. There are "revenge porn" laws in many areas, so IF she found it online possibly she could have him charged.

I will put myself in the position of the OM.. we are in cohabitation & the act is done w permission, approval.. The series of sex videos will prove this & our closest friends.

as the OM i will wait for the proper time to exhibit them; if the country that i live has no porn laws it will be release online in episodes cc: H..

For men who’s mind are distorted this is how they show dominance; if the country doesn’t tolerate such it will be transmitted electronically to the H in series... 

She has no where to go but to wander & away from her ex families.. 7 yrs of silence from the OM, NC, Resignation from previous job means nothing.. Assuming she is telling the truth about the NC, the OM was dump/betrayed..

Soon it will be payback time !! or already happening...

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

 

Possibly not. There are "revenge porn" laws in many areas, so IF she found it online possibly she could have him charged.

 

[mark clemson]

Hmm. In most western countries "Revenge porn or revenge pornography is the distribution of sexually explicit images or video of individuals without their permission." Her consent at the time of the filming is irrelevant. In many US states it is punishable by prison time.

There is no indication that OP lives in your country. Her English suggests she lives in an English speaking country.

Speaking generally, I think it is helpful for posters to have facts in order before suggesting things, to avoid confusion and the spread of misinformation.

There is no indication that the former OM has any indication of distributing any sexual videos of her. IF he did it is likely she could have him imprisoned.

There are a few US states that don't have these laws, so it is remotely possible she could be subject to this. However, she may be able to sue for other damages, such as pain and suffering or other reasons, though, if she chooses to, depending on the state laws.

It may be different in your country. Generally in western countries the consent at the time of filming is deemed irrelevant. It's consent to distribution that matters.

Edited January 30, 2020 by mark clemson

[Dimjo9]

On 1/27/2020 at 11:11 AM, SaltPalpitation said:

Thank you so much for your words of comfort, counciling only goes so far where as people who in your situation can also provide a new perspective

Hi Salt,

If your R will happen start new life with him. Make sure everyday the spear in his soul is slowly getting out.

Make the ultimate sacrifice to give up everything & be a devoted wife.. Your friends, lifestyle, social media.. your world should be around him..

For your daughter start NOW.. make new memories.. Your son was also deprived of a normal home; put all your efforts ALL iN !! 
 

I have no love lost for cheaters; but i am also HOPELESS ROMANTiC !! 💝 is sweeter the 2nd time around !!

[Buffer]

Hey SP how are you doing?

[Cookiesandough]

Aww wow. Interesting. 7 years. Hope it works out for you guys. 

Edited February 14, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[JTSW]

If he wanted to get back with you, he would've done so a long time ago.

7 years have passed which means he is now over his feelings for you.

You broke his trust and that is likely something he is never going to forget.

He will never trust you the same.

Right now he just seems happy having dinner and a bit of fun with you.

Even if he agrees to give it another go (which i really don't think he will) It won't last because he will always remember what you did.

He will always be wondering if you will do it again.

[JTSW]

On 1/30/2020 at 4:48 AM, Dimjo9 said:

Make the ultimate sacrifice to give up everything & be a devoted wife..

She did that the first time she married him but she ultimately destroyed it.

[Walkingalone]

On 1/20/2020 at 3:52 PM, SaltPalpitation said:

 

Update!!

So we had our second dinner and it was wonderful. Conversation was effortless, he made me laugh at the silliest things and that charm that made me fall for him all those years ago was still present.

By the end of the evening we ended up back at his place (our old Marital home) and we were intimate. It was like i could breathe again, i dont know how else to describe it but by feeling complete. For the first time I dreaded the coming morning for a different reason, i didnt want to leave his chest, i didnt want to stop listening to his heart beat or the breaths he was taking.

But alas! Morning did come but before I left i decided to make him his favorite breakfast. I served him expecting him to be surprised that i had remembered what he liked but was greeted with a sad smile. He told me he knew i meant well but this hasnt been his favorite for a long time fir obvious reasons. I felt embarrassed and tried to take his plate away but he still ate nonetheless.

On the way out, i happened to run into my daughter. It was awkward for a few seconds but we did some small talk and made plans for a girls day out. Just as i was about to leave she took hold of my hand asked if me and her father are getting back together, i told her that i hoped so. She slightly squeezed my hand and told me not to hurt him again or she'll never forgive me.

It seems I'm still the villain in my daughter's eyes. Its like I've taken one step forward only to take three steps back its a bit disheartening.

 

This was beautiful to read and brought a tear to my eye! I can’t remember if you mentioned you’re ages...but I assume I’m younger that you are (28m)

ive been apart from my ex partner for nearly a year and I still hope we can be together one day. I sometimes get to take her and my daughter out and the last time was so amazing. Like you described on you’re dinner date, we laughed constantly and it was effortless. Felt like when we first met.

my ex partner is in a serious relationship and has been for 8 month. As much as I’m excited for my life, I know I will always want to be with her and I hope my work on myself will help that become reality. She sees me changing but, like you, I betrayed her trust and that’s not easily fixed. My journey is in the very early stages compared to yours. 
 

Again, I’m smiled and a tear rolled down my face reading what I’ve quoted. So beautiful and wish you the best of look. I hope I get to be where you seem to be heading one day.

[seren]

I would say you take it one day at a time, not reading too much into each meeting. The sudden want by your ex H will inevitably resurrect some bad memories for him especially.  Be prepared for him asking questions he maybe should have asked before, reconciliation is hard enough after an affair, with 7 years and a divorce added to the mix, it could open that can of worms all over again. I would imagine it will muddle what was with what is and might be, if that makes sense. I would say if he asks, answer truthfully, don’t lie, tell the truth, be prepared for anger. Show him that you are remorseful, words cost nothing, action , by that I mean being honest no matter how hard that is, will at least give him what all BS are denied, informed choice.

I would caution about reading too much into him wanting to meet up, try to take it at his pace.  You have both changed, know that if you reconcile it’s a very hard road,   Your relationship is not the marriage you had, but maybe it can be one based on truth and maybe you have the chance to start again. I truly hope it works out for you both. Me and my H are almost 12 years along from his A, we’ve been together over 35 years. It’s been hard, but it’s worth it, despite the A. We are very different people, my H will never forgive himself for the A, even though I’ve forgiven, I’ll never forget. I wish you the very best and will look to read what happens.