The closed doors of the past

[Mrin]

This is more of just a share but feel free to comment. About three years ago I received an Ancestry.com DNA test as a Christmas gift. I got around to taking it and aside learning where I came from in the world DNA-wise, it showed me other people I was related to that had also used Ancestry. I saw a few distant relatives that I recognized. But there was one "close family" member  (1st cousin strength) to whom I was closely related. I couldn't see the name (only a screen name) but I saw that she was female. We have a small family but I do have one first cousin on my mom's side and she's a woman. So I just figured it was her.

About a year ago my paternal aunt took the Ancestry test and she lit up like a lightbulb on my results. But, her results also showed a strong DNA match with this mystery woman. Even stronger than mine (like Niece or Half Sister). Here's where it gets interesting - there's no one else on that side of the family that this could be. Like I said, we are a very small family and if we don't start f***ing like rabbits soon we're going to be extinct. My aunt asked me about this mystery woman and I said something like, "I have no clue, but some rocks are better unturned". My aunt got distracted and forgot about it.

Fast forward to last night. I received a message on Ancestry from this mystery woman that said something like "hey, I think we are closely related. Who are you?" I started chatting and found out she was a few years older but same generation. She shared her family tree and there was NO connections to what I know of my family tree. This woman was still in academic research mode and trying to figure it out. I finally stated the only conclusion - if our non-DNA trees don't intersect and you're so closely related to us, then there is only one possible explanation and it lies behind closed doors in the past. Do you really want to open them? For those of you not following my ramble: one of my ancestors knocked up one of her's and no one ever knew about it. Or, there was a "secret" birth and subsequent adoption that took place and no one ever knew about it on either side. 

I got to see the realization hit her in real time. She went quiet on the chat. Back to my family, the only possible suspects were all amazing people. Like pillars of the community (both the men and women). Educated. Accomplished. Judges. Concert pianists. CEO's. No dark horses with a wild past. They are long dead now so there is no one to ask. But obviously, in those days people were still having sex, birth control was hard to find and abortion was dangerous and illegal. I mean, the "actors" in this whole thing so long ago might not have even known what had happened.

Anyhow, as I sit with it I find it interesting how doors so securely and perhaps unknowingly shut can be thrust open with new technology. And it isn't like you can tell all of your current and future family members not to do DNA testing. The discovery of this - whatever it might be - was inevitable. But, what was once "never going to even be found out" is now "inevitably discovered". And I wonder about that and what that means for the future. Let's move away from DNA for a second. The other day Google send me an email inviting me to see my maps and web/app timelines. I took a look at it and they knew everything. Every place I had gone in the last year. The route I took. Every app I used, when I used it. Every page I hit in a browser. Every person I texted. It even started to make general conclusions - like this is where you bought groceries, this was a business trip, stuff like that. It freaked me out - and I don't have anything to hide. 

And I started thinking about it. We all know we are throwing off TONS of digital breadcrumbs in the form of data about ourselves. Alexa listens to us. Phones track us. Hell, Loveshack knows a lot about me if someone could ever draw a connection between Loveshack's Mrin and me. Right now there is just too much noise and some much fragmentation to do much other than figure out what I am probably interested in buying. But someday, some AI is going to have the access and the machine intelligence to make sense of it all. I read about all of the hidden affairs people have on this site. The ONS's. The secrets buried both in and out of relationships. And we we think they are safely buried forever - as long as no one opens their mouth. But, as we see with DNA, that might not be the case.Some day, these secrets may be as available by simply running a query against an AI and seeing what comes back. Take your standard affair. If you could have access to everyone's digital breadcrumbs it would be pretty easy to see if you had the right AI looking at it all the data.

So think about that as you leave your digital breadcrumbs. And know that one day, those breadcrumbs might all come back together and tell a story you though was forgotten so long ago.

 

Mrin

 

 

 

[2BGoodAgain]

it's kinda too late, then huh?

besides, do you have any idea how long this breadcrumbs have been going on?

think about all those AOL private chat rooms. lol. 

omg the stories i know....

so it's kinda like finding out your topless mexico  bar pic is out there... there's so much of it.. ehhhhh......

[nospam99]

I disable cookies (with the exception of deliberately isolating systems and browsers in 'sandboxes' - e.g. my OLD accounts run in a sandbox browser on a sandbox computer - LoveShack runs in a different sandbox browser on the same sandbox computer as the OLD browser).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HTTP_cookie
Always have. Back when http was (relatively) 'new' (to me) in the mid 90s, there was significant discussion in the geek community about privacy exposure. It's 'difficult' (not 'impossible') for systems to spy if you don't drop any breadcrumbs. How about you, OP, and the email from Google? Do you run with cookies enabled (if you don't actively restrict them, they are almost certainly on by default)?

[mark clemson]

Stuff like this has been coming out for a while Mrin due to Ancestry, 23&Me, etc. There are groups for "Parent Not Expected" and similar out there. I think one of our LS'ers tracked down her bio father, etc.

Pillar of the community? Yep, just the kind of person to get extra-marital attraction and if they cave to it, then "what to do with the kid"?

I have also heard estimates that as high as 5% of children may not be their fathers'. Humans...

As for privacy, well...

https://www.seattletimes.com/business/technology/special-sunglasses-license-plate-dresses-juggalo-face-paint-how-to-be-anonymous-in-the-age-of-surveillance/?utm_source=pocket-newtab

[2BGoodAgain]

2 hours ago, nospam99 said:

I disable cookies (with the exception of deliberately isolating systems and browsers in 'sandboxes' - e.g. my OLD accounts run in a sandbox browser on a sandbox computer - LoveShack runs in a different sandbox browser on the same sandbox computer as the OLD browser).
 

it's funny, all those people search websites... they can find so much on you, with just an email addy. or phone number.

home addy, your spouse info, your parents, all your properties, social media accounts... it's all out there...

Edited January 16, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Els]

Great post, Mrin.

As someone who works in that field, it's true. Even if you didn't use a smart phone AT ALL, cell tower tracking alone could provide a wealth of information - https://ssd.eff.org/en/module/problem-mobile-phones

Honestly, it doesn't bother me terribly much. I think it's just the way of the future - there is good and bad to every technological development ever made,  as car accidents would not exist without cars. IMO, the good trumps the bad by a boatload, so it's a sacrifice worth making.

[nospam99]

@2bgoodagain. Yes, the information that a government has put 'out there' is effectively impossible to protect - shame on Big Brother. However, I have dozens of email addies, most only used for ONE online shopping or ONE social media account and, thus, largely isolated. I'm confident I know which ones (FB!, LS!) have been compromised and why and which ones are still protected by isolation.

Sadly, FB is the worst offender. I set up an account there years ago to stay in touch with my high school class. Based on the spam I get on that email AND ONLY THAT EMAIL, Occam's Razor sez FB has either sold my contact information or failed to protect it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm old enough to wonder about some of this technology - just because we can, does that mean we should?

Not sure our emotional selves have evolved enough to handle what our digital selves reveal...

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

They probably often aren't.

More fun with gene analysis:

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/when-a-dna-test-shatters-your-identity?utm_source=pocket-newtab

[Mrin]

And now... the rest of the story. 

This story has a happy ending. Well, I kept communicating with this mystery relative. We got on the phone. We swapped pics - and yes, she sure bears a good deal of familia semblance. Looks pretty close to what my aunt looked like at that age. Okay before I get too much further... some facts.

This lady, Christine, is 52 years old and is in the approximate same generation as me. The DNA match between her and me is strong. Like 1st cousin strong. The match between her and my aunt is equally strong. Now, for those of you who have ever done this, also in this category of 1st cousin strength are (aunt/uncle, niece/nephew, grandparents/grandchildren and.... wait for it... half siblings). The more we started to investigate what that meant the more we realized that this wasn't some far off distant intermingling of DNA. This was something that happened not that long ago. In fact, it looks like it happened 53 years ago. It dawned on both of us that we could be talking to each other's half-siblings. Kinda awkward. In fact, it seems like it is almost positive that we're half-siblings due to the relative strength in the match between Christine and my aunt and Christine and me. 

At this point, things shifted to reconstructing May of 1966 (the month she was conceived). All of the primary actors in this tale (her mother and my father) are dead. So it isn't like we could just ask them. The facts regarding my father at that time are very well known - he had just completed his sophomore year at an engineering university in my home state. It was 8 months before he met my mother and we know he was still nursing a broken heart from his high school girlfriend. We also know he was very sociable and kind of partier. 

Things are more murky for Christine's mom. She was 18. In a bad marriage with her high school sweetheart and living in a state some 1,500 miles away. But, based on Christine's sleuthing, we learned that her mother's family had moved to a town just 10 miles away from my father's university for that year. It evidently was a pretty tumultuous year. No one can remember exactly but some seem to recall that Christine's mom came for an extended visit and to help the family move back to the home state - in June of 1966. They also seemed to recall that she was fleeing an unpleasant relationship with her husband. Another note, Christine's mom was drop dead gorgeous. She sent me a picture. Like I said, the town she was visiting was 10 miles away from my father's university. It was a small town back then and nothing going on. If you wanted to have fun or meet boys, you went to my father's university town as they were perceived as the best guys to land. It was also the two week period after finals where all of the students were throwing parties after a the grueling academic year. 

Now, we can't put the two of them together. But, as my dad's best friend and fraternity roommate said this morning, "Mrin, your dad and I lived in a house with 5 seniors who had just graduated. None of us had girlfriends and hey, it was the 60's. I mean, we owned an old hearse with a mattress in the back."

The next facts we can confirm is that Christine's mother traveled back to her hometown in June of 1966. Just a few weeks after the likely "meeting" with my dad. She reconciled with her husband, found out she was pregnant and carried Christine to full term. She never said Christine's father was anyone but her husband. In fact, she might not have even known. The two of them went on to divorce a couple of years later and Christine's father passed away some years ago. Christine's mother moved her away and gave her a good upbringing. She's gone on to achieve multiple degrees, had a great career and started a family with a good man. 

Now here's the feel good part of the story. Christine confided in me that her father and father's family were not great people. She didn't go into great detail but they sounded pretty... rough. She didn't meet him until she was 10. He didn't play a role in her life.

Then she asked me about my/our father and his lineage. I told her about them. How most were engineers, scientists, lawyers, professors, founders of companies, some accomplished musicians and artists. How the men were great and the women greater. How they were leaders. Pioneers. A hard working and driven lot. After she got done asking questions for the night she teared up a bit and said something like, "I used to feel ashamed of my father's lineage. Now I feel proud!"

And it hit me at that moment. I just got to deliver a gift that my father had mailed to his daughter 53 years ago. And be there when she opened it.

Pretty damn good way to start 2020 if you ask me!

 

Mrin  

 

[mark clemson]

That's a nice story Mrin and good to hear a happy ending. My understanding is many are not nearly so positive (e.g. if infidelity is revealed to living parents who are still together), but at least yours was. Congrats on the new relative!

[CAPITAL CROOK]

Infidelity is definitely a problem these days.

I would take the ancestry test myself but those f***ers will sell my information to insurance companies... Turns out you can accurately predict many health problems through DNA.