Men over 35 their baggage

[hotpotato]

(This could probably go for women as well, but I deal with men so this topic is about them.)

I have a potential fwb who is 22. We hung out for awhile. Later on, I realized there was something he didn't do. 

 

He didnt go on and on about a woman he loved but scorned him. Being with him was comfortable and relaxing. 

 

My ons did this (43) and my latest ex who was 50 at the time. My ons and I talk every now and then on the phone. I could try to see him again as we agreed we would both like to. Day one he talked about her and how he wanted to work things out. This woman has to be in his life bc they have kids together. They were together 10 years. My latest ex just loved his 2nd ex wife. In fact, he told me he didnt love me like he loved her. 

 

One of my fav youtubers went through it, too. Her bf (45?) wanted to move back in with the ex supposedly for the kids. 

 

I think men by age 35 have met the one. That's not something I can relate to. I dont want to hear them nearly sob about it when we just met. How am I supposed to feel?

 

Is this my imagination or what? 

[stillafool]

Yeah, I know a 35 year old man who continues to whine about his baby momma problems and his 4 kids.  Good grief how boring he is to listen to.  The young ones don't have that baggage yet.  Hence why they are so appealing to many.

[2BGoodAgain]

if any guy,35 or any age... sobs about an ex... while they talk to you... RED FLAG!! RUN!!! DON'T stop at GO!

lol. 

whether a guy/girl finds that one person they can't forget by age 35... it's bound to happen... it's like saying by the age of 35, you can't do an all nighter .... 5 nights in a row!. duh.

having said that..  any guy over 35 who whines about a past girl, isn't the one you should be dating... run.

they should only be focused on YOU. period.

[sothereiwas]

5 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

Is this my imagination or what?

My advice is "don't date idiots" - I don't really think this has a lot to do with baggage as with stupidity, assuming the fellas are raising the topic and carrying the subject along spontaneously. 

[stillafool]

Well I'm not dating him he's just a friend of my husbands who cries to us about his ex all the time.  He's gorgeous but can't get over his pain which makes him less attractive.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Some people, men and women (of all ages), are frankly in the misguided habit of WHINING to prospective partners (or anyone, really) about past hurts and injustices they've faced - of all varieties, romantic or otherwise. It's like some kinda damsel-in-distress phenomenon where they think or feel that being pitiable will inspire some other person to scoop them up and take care of them and make everything right. 🤮

[thefooloftheyear]

Women do the same thing...

"He was a narcissistic pig, abusive, liar, lazy, …...oh and he had the smallest dick in the history of mankind.."

You don't want to hear it then just tell them you don't want to hear it... or stick to guys that have done nothing and have nothing to whine or talk about..

TFY

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

if any guy,35 or any age... sobs about an ex... while they talk to you... RED FLAG!! RUN!!! DON'T stop at GO!

lol. 

whether a guy/girl finds that one person they can't forget by age 35... it's bound to happen... it's like saying by the age of 35, you can't do an all nighter .... 5 nights in a row!. duh.

having said that..  any guy over 35 who whines about a past girl, isn't the one you should be dating... run.

they should only be focused on YOU. period.

Even though we are not dating, it's still extremely annoying. Their youngest child is 5, so his True Love will be in the picture for a long time. 

I already dealt with this from my last ex. Sometimes, when he talked about his second ex, he'd be mad. Other times he'd get really happy and giddy. Wtf was I, chopped liver? I can't deal with that again. 

 

[hotpotato]

25 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Women do the same thing...

"He was a narcissistic pig, abusive, liar, lazy, …...oh and he had the smallest dick in the history of mankind.."

You don't want to hear it then just tell them you don't want to hear it... or stick to guys that have done nothing and have nothing to whine or talk about..

TFY

That might be the way to go. 

I know I've been through stuff, but sheesh! These guys are killing me. 🥴

*********

Oh yes, and another thing about older men is The List. The list of what they want gets longer and longer from meeting so many women. I'm not very experienced with dating or relationships, so I dont have an exhaustive list of must haves. 

 

 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Just now, hotpotato said:

 

Oh yes, and another thing about older men is The List. The list of what they want gets longer and longer from meeting so many women. I'm not very experienced with dating or relationships, so I dont have an exhaustive list of must haves. 

 

 

Well, with age and experience comes wisdom so those lists are not always bad.  

 

I dated someone for almost a year who constantly complained about his ex.  He was obsessed with her and what she was doing  It was his favorite topic of conversation all.the.time.  He was so negative.  Even after we broke up he texted me occasionally to tell me something about her.  I never even met her.

[2BGoodAgain]

23 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

Even though we are not dating, it's still extremely annoying. Their youngest child is 5, so his True Love will be in the picture for a long time. 

I already dealt with this from my last ex. Sometimes, when he talked about his second ex, he'd be mad. Other times he'd get really happy and giddy. Wtf was I, chopped liver? I can't deal with that again. 

 

value yourself, value your time, value your heart....

 

[d0nnivain]

I think mature well balanced people of any age & gender do not whine & carry on to a new date about some past heart break.  In my experience, the younger folks don't know how to keep their own counsel where more mature people cry to their friends not their dates.  

[Kitty Tantrum]

14 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

That might be the way to go. 

I know I've been through stuff, but sheesh! These guys are killing me. 🥴

*********

Oh yes, and another thing about older men is The List. The list of what they want gets longer and longer from meeting so many women. I'm not very experienced with dating or relationships, so I dont have an exhaustive list of must haves.

I think this can go the other way too, though. And I think it's down to a fundamental difference in personality and outlook. Some people take their experiences and from them learn to identify what is truly valuable to them, and to set other things aside to seek for those things. Some other people would take the same experiences, and from them grow to simply feel entitled to MORE - of everything, as their wants and whims dictate.

Avoid the latter sort of person like the plague, I say.

My husband was 45 when we met. He has exes he loved and who hurt him deeply (as do I), but he is in no way hung up (nor am I - though certainly entangled to a degree for having kids with my first husband). He's told me that he never even knew he wanted a wife until he met me - and I'm far from perfect in every way. So you never know.

[2BGoodAgain]

4 minutes ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

I think this can go the other way too, though. And I think it's down to a fundamental difference in personality and outlook. Some people take their experiences and from them learn to identify what is truly valuable to them, and to set other things aside to seek for those things. Some other people would take the same experiences, and from them grow to simply feel entitled to MORE - of everything, as their wants and whims dictate.

Avoid the latter sort of person like the plague, I say.

My husband was 45 when we met. He has exes he loved and who hurt him deeply (as do I), but he is in no way hung up (nor am I - though certainly entangled to a degree for having kids with my first husband). He's told me that he never even knew he wanted a wife until he met me - and I'm far from perfect in every way. So you never know.

definitely.  at first, all she wanted was connection... 12 years later... it was a list a mile long... from not leaving the car gas near empty to not singing to songs sung by women... though she said she could sing songs sung by men.. lol. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I find most people who are this open about their problems are so open about these problems because they are not doing anything about them.

Moving on is difficult; transitioning into a new life is very difficult.

Daters who are 35-40+ are transitioning into a new time in their lives, where you have to start really being cognizant of the people you are around when dating... Like most people can find somebody to settle down with before 35, so when you are still struggling past that age, it really opens you up to criticism and the thoughts and opinions of others... Then this makes them want to REALLY find somebody to settle down with and that can create some issues when they get this desperate in a way.

Yeah, this whole new age movement of women who are feel free and independent and without need to be in relationships, this whole generation of women are really going to struggle when they turn 40 and realize men their age are paying attention to women half their age... Hopefully it all works out for the best for everyone, but sometimes this just isnt the case.

[2BGoodAgain]

1 minute ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

I find most people who are this open about their problems are so open about these problems because they are not doing anything about them.

Moving on is difficult; transitioning into a new life is very difficult.

Daters who are 35-40+ are transitioning into a new time in their lives, where you have to start really being cognizant of the people you are around when dating... Like most people can find somebody to settle down with before 35, so when you are still struggling past that age, it really opens you up to criticism and the thoughts and opinions of others... Then this makes them want to REALLY find somebody to settle down with and that can create some issues when they get this desperate in a way.

Yeah, this whole new age movement of women who are feel free and independent and without need to be in relationships, this whole generation of women are really going to struggle when they turn 40 and realize men their age are paying attention to women half their age... Hopefully it all works out for the best for everyone, but sometimes this just isnt the case.

i dunno... younger women may be more "fresh"? perhaps less baggage? And might be fun for a few months to a year or so? but there are cons too...  not to generalize, but i guess i am... there are always exceptions... i guess it really depends on your own age and what you're looking for... but i find women closer to my age, more mature and stable and appreciative... 

having said that, there are plenty of crazy older women out there... men too.

pros and cons....

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Just now, 2BGoodAgain said:

i dunno... younger women may be more "fresh"? perhaps less baggage? And might be fun for a few months to a year or so? but there are cons too...  not to generalize, but i guess i am... there are always exceptions... i guess it really depends on your own age and what you're looking for... but i find women closer to my age, more mature and stable and appreciative... 

having said that, there are plenty of crazy older women out there... men too.

pros and cons....

The problem is that the older in age you go up, the more of these crazy older women and men you are going to cross paths with.

[2BGoodAgain]

1 minute ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

The problem is that the older in age you go up, the more of these crazy older women and men you are going to cross paths with.

theres's alot of hurts and trauma... definitely....

but there are those who grew past it, and grew into someone worthwhile... 

[chillii]

Well for a start , a fwb at 22 , at your age whatever that is , is only heading you for more bs of your own which you will have plenty of but just don't realize it, most don't.. And yeah , women are exactly the same. Yet the bs they sprout over why men find younger women so appealing is just so just plain stupid, it's ridiculous. . One of the real reasons is young women are still free, in mind and soul, happy go lucky and fun. yet they walked in the door at home and got nothing but bills and stress and life and all the bs they're suppose to do , from the misses, or the ex misses. The difference is mind boggling.Matter of fact that's been the one big hold up for me since divorce . At first l thought l'd never remarry , it was like what's the point, marriage isn't sacred anymore. 3 or 4 yrs later l started to feel differently bc l do prefer life as two.

But the crap women in their 40s and early 50s had , was friggen mind boggling , just effg amazing. Gone were the happy fun carefree girls l'd meet back when before l was married, all gone. They were sick and ex's and kids and money and paranoid and emotional soooo effd up and on and on it went. lt really was just amazing. total brain fk.Many of them , most from what l saw , probably really , couldn't even have a relationship anymore, they were just too effd up , some knew it.

Later l met someone , we fell in love , which l didn't think would ever happen for me again by this stage. She was different to the rest and far more together , but there were still things with her that just totally messed with her over and over and in the end for different reasons , it couldn't work out.

l stayed out of things awhile but then just accidental really l met someone else, gain very special , l couldn't believe it tbh and again we could really be something but again , she has so serious serious stuff goin on and we're just not sure if it'e even gonna be doable, think l'll give up.

So yeAh , l don't meet men in this way of course, but hell yeah , once a womens been through marriage and kids and life , any l met apart from those two , and well , even with them as you see , but the rest , were just a total effg mess. Thing is though look , l don't really mind , it we're going to be a serious then l do have stuff too, we're all gonna have things , you have things op , can see it all through your posts , everyone does as we get older, life. l don't mind having to work through things together , that's what real couples do, and l don't expect perfect.

But hell yeah , it's the same both ways , l don't see how it's avoidable really. Even if they've never been married , like l tale it yourself op , then that can also open up a wholeee nother can of worms in itself too if someone's never been married by 40s 50s. lt's often coming up on the forum,

 

Edited January 16, 2020 by chillii

[hotpotato]

41 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

definitely.  at first, all she wanted was connection... 12 years later... it was a list a mile long... from not leaving the car gas near empty to not singing to songs sung by women... though she said she could sing songs sung by men.. lol. 

That's my issue with the list-it doesnt stop growing. 

[sothereiwas]

1 hour ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

dunno... younger women may be more "fresh"? perhaps less baggage? And might be fun for a few months to a year or so? but there are cons too...  not to generalize, but i guess i am... there are always exceptions... i guess it really depends on your own age and what you're looking for... but i find women closer to my age, more mature and stable and appreciative... 

Being paired up with an older woman who you've been with since she was a younger woman is a fine thing. Starting to date an older woman is a different thing. In my experience, a lot of the ones you'd want to keep are already in the first situation, and what's left in the pool are disproportionately the ones you don't want to date. Just a numbers game on that score, and then add in the "my kid(s) will always be #1 in my life" factor and whatnot and yeah, no. 

But that's just me, so I guess it's more for you. 

[preraph]

You may be one of those women that people will just tell anything to.  I am.  I did have male friends, some of whom I crushed on, one of whom I loved, and eventually they would spill their guts.  But it wasn't about "the one." It was about someone they were so attracted to that they were miserable who didn't want them back.  Of course, also knew quite a few women like that, myself included.  These same guys would sometimes trot me out to try to make the woman jealous, too.  One time, one guy I was in love with and one really good looking guy I was friends with both were obsessed with the same barmaid.  It went on for probably a year and a half or two years I had to hear about that.  One time one of them took me to where she worked (where we all often hung out anyway), and the other one was in there too.  They both knew about the other.  We all ended up sitting together, because I was the common denominator.  

I just have this memory of her coming to the table and she looked me right in the eyes and smiled, and I knew she knew I knew what was going on and probably knew my relation to both of them.  It wasn't long after that it all quieted down and they moved on or had closure or whatever.  

Then I moved on and met someone I fell for, and the one who I had been in love with prior, I was still friends with, and he got obsessed with another woman, and it got even worse, and he actually did end up on my floor crying, and it was only when he got little reaction from me that he began to understand what he had put me through.  He moved out of state shortly after that.  

And the really good looking one, he ended up knocking up and marrying the second wife of the guy I said I met above that I fell for, who I was now working with after we had broken up.  Talk about baggage.  

 

All very incestuous!

[elaine567]

It is not really surprising, the break up of a long term relationship or a marriage is a big deal.
For most the biggest emotional trauma they've ever had to deal with.

Quite a lot have been through therapy, MC or IC, and IME anyone who has been to a lot of therapy is very "open".
Sometimes inappropriately so.
Given any chance they will tell all their woes to anyone who will listen.
As women tend to be pretty empathetic, then some men can take the opportunity to offload all their troubles onto the new gf, without seeming to understand she is NOT a therapist, nor does she want to  be their mother "kissing it all better"... 
Once fixed, they often use their new found confidence and courage to "play the field" or start looking for the "one"...

[sothereiwas]

27 minutes ago, preraph said:

You may be one of those women that people will just tell anything to.  I am.

That's a good point. Some women just have that mom vibe. It's wonderful but I can see where it could be a blessing and a curse. 

[preraph]

I talked about it with a therapist once, and she thought it was because I was "too tolerant."  Haha.  Probably true.  I shouldn't let guys I have feelings for just lean on me, I guess.