penguins1010 Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 I meet my now wife 3 years ago. We have been married for almost 2 years. Let me start by saying we are in a same sex marriage. We have a little girl who is 19 months. It seems like my wife doesn't think I love the baby like I should. To the point where she even told me I don't deserve to be on the birth certificate. I do love her but I feel I have no say so in how she is raised. Before the baby came my wife and I were really active and enjoyed doing things together. Now we don't really do things together. She stays home with the baby and still nurses the baby. Sometimes it feels like she has become one with the baby. I feel like I am just in the way most days. I know life changes when you have a little one. I just feel lost lately. Link to post Share on other sites
Author penguins1010 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Share Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) I have so much on my mind. I don't really even know where to start. I can't talk much to her. She goes silent. I just feel so alone. Edited January 16, 2020 by penguins1010 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 When my ex-husband and I had our first child (many years ago), he had this same complaint. He felt like I was bonding with our daughter and he was "just a piece of furniture" (as he put it.) I believe it is a normal occurrence for the father (or non-birthing mother?) to feel like a third wheel shortly after birth. Once I knew this was how my husband felt, I made sure to include him more in caring for our baby. I made sure he could bottle-feed her at night, for example. Perhaps you could have this conversation with your wife. Let her know you want to be more involved to help you grow closer to both your wife and your daughter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 5 minutes ago, penguins1010 said: I have so much on my mind. I don't really even know where to start. I can't talk much to her. She goes silent. I just feel so alone. Is it also possible she is experiencing postpartum depression? Try asking her what you can do to help her relieve her stress. I would imagine her being the "primary caregiver" makes things difficult for you, being a woman. Is it possible that you will have an opportunity to carry and deliver the next child? Maybe that's the part you feel you're missing out on right now? Hang in there. Remember she's the woman you fell in love with and, while life definitely changes with a little one, it can be such a rewarding and happy time for all of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author penguins1010 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Share Posted January 16, 2020 Thank you... I think she still is experiencing post pardom. I do try to get us a night out but it never really happens. I know I don't experience the same thing she does because I didn't give birth. So it's hard for us both to relate to each other anymore. I miss her so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author penguins1010 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Share Posted January 16, 2020 22 minutes ago, vla1120 said: When my ex-husband and I had our first child (many years ago), he had this same complaint. He felt like I was bonding with our daughter and he was "just a piece of furniture" (as he put it.) I believe it is a normal occurrence for the father (or non-birthing mother?) to feel like a third wheel shortly after birth. Once I knew this was how my husband felt, I made sure to include him more in caring for our baby. I made sure he could bottle-feed her at night, for example. Perhaps you could have this conversation with your wife. Let her know you want to be more involved to help you grow closer to both your wife and your daughter. These are good ideas thank you. She just never really hears me out anymore. It's hard having conversations. And it's hard getting over some of the hurtful words. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 1 minute ago, penguins1010 said: Thank you... I think she still is experiencing post pardom. I do try to get us a night out but it never really happens. I know I don't experience the same thing she does because I didn't give birth. So it's hard for us both to relate to each other anymore. I miss her so much. Don't give up. I remember my husband trying to get me to go out. We did not live near family, and I would not leave my baby with anyone except her daytime babysitter. For that reason, we never went out! Our first time out was taking the baby with us to the only drive-in movie theater in our area to see "Ghostbusters." That was a big FAIL, but that's okay! We tried. That's what you need to keep doing. After you put the baby to bed at night, spend a little quiet time together when you can. Involve yourself in everything you can. If she makes comments about how you shouldn't be on the birth certificate, tell her how hurtful that is to you - especially given the fact that you could not fully share in the pregnancy/birthing experience. Communication, communication, communication. Link to post Share on other sites
fishlips Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 Give it time. I was depressed after I had my kids. It takes a while to feel like yourself again. If she is really having a difficult time, please encourage her to see her doctor. Sometimes, these things don't go away on their own. Other than that, all you can do right now if offer to be there. Let her know you can take care of the baby as well and she doesn't need to do everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author penguins1010 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Share Posted January 16, 2020 2 minutes ago, vla1120 said: Don't give up. I remember my husband trying to get me to go out. We did not live near family, and I would not leave my baby with anyone except her daytime babysitter. For that reason, we never went out! Our first time out was taking the baby with us to the only drive-in movie theater in our area to see "Ghostbusters." That was a big FAIL, but that's okay! We tried. That's what you need to keep doing. After you put the baby to bed at night, spend a little quiet time together when you can. Involve yourself in everything you can. If she makes comments about how you shouldn't be on the birth certificate, tell her how hurtful that is to you - especially given the fact that you could not fully share in the pregnancy/birthing experience. Communication, communication, communication. Oh I understand that. We don't really have any family either to use as a sitter. We were going to family counseling but it was hard to get anything done because we had to bring the baby with us. I don't want to give up though. Just having a rough go. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 1 minute ago, penguins1010 said: Oh I understand that. We don't really have any family either to use as a sitter. We were going to family counseling but it was hard to get anything done because we had to bring the baby with us. I don't want to give up though. Just having a rough go. It WILL get better. Give her (and yourself) a little more time to adjust. I don't know your full situation, but I can tell you one thing that would have made my spouse an instant HERO in my eyes . . . the thing I missed the most was sleep. I've always been a big sleeper, and once the baby came - that was out the window. If he had told me once or twice "Go lay down, I've got her." and just let me SLEEP uninterrupted, I would have been so grateful! Link to post Share on other sites
Author penguins1010 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Share Posted January 16, 2020 4 minutes ago, fishlips said: Give it time. I was depressed after I had my kids. It takes a while to feel like yourself again. If she is really having a difficult time, please encourage her to see her doctor. Sometimes, these things don't go away on their own. Other than that, all you can do right now if offer to be there. Let her know you can take care of the baby as well and she doesn't need to do everything. Thank you. We were seeing a dr that ended up moving away. She tried to see someone else but just didn't have that bond with her so she ended up not going anymore. She still nurses so a lot of the time when the baby sees me she wants to start nursing again lol. We also have totally different parenting techniques and she controls most aspects of the parenting. Makes it tough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author penguins1010 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Share Posted January 16, 2020 2 minutes ago, vla1120 said: It WILL get better. Give her (and yourself) a little more time to adjust. I don't know your full situation, but I can tell you one thing that would have made my spouse an instant HERO in my eyes . . . the thing I missed the most was sleep. I've always been a big sleeper, and once the baby came - that was out the window. If he had told me once or twice "Go lay down, I've got her." and just let me SLEEP uninterrupted, I would have been so grateful! I will try that. I do know she is exhausted. Our daughters teeth have came in really late so she hasn't been sleeping through the night. She just wants to nurse and my wife gets almost zero sleep. So I'm sure she would like that. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 9 minutes ago, penguins1010 said: I will try that. I do know she is exhausted. Our daughters teeth have came in really late so she hasn't been sleeping through the night. She just wants to nurse and my wife gets almost zero sleep. So I'm sure she would like that. ...and if she can pump so you can bottle feed during that time, it will help as well! You'll have a chance to bond with your daughter over feeding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author penguins1010 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Share Posted January 16, 2020 Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
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