A long time later

[pepperbird]

Infidelity can really have a long lasting impact.

My older two have been talking about their dad's affair with me a fair amount lately. They brought it up, and have mentioned a few things they remember from that time that I thought we had been able to keep to ourselves. They did know he had a short affair after overhearing some neighbourhood gossip, and when asked, we had framed it to them that he had made some bad choices and was trying to make up for them and behave better in the future. Their dad had been great about taking responsibility and not trying to blame anyone else, and answered their questions as honestly as he could.

I thought they had sort of forgotten about it, as is was a long time ago. I guess I was wrong. They're asking questions along the lines of why he did it and why I decided to stay. they're adults now, so the topic has taken on a different tack then when they were younger.

[vla1120]

This was just recently a topic in my household, as well. When my middle daughter was 5 years old (now 30), she is the one who caught my husband in a precarious "position" with my neighbor/best friend. I was pregnant with my youngest at the time. It hit the fan, but I decided to stay at that time. My youngest turns 24 today and last night, they were telling me that when she was about 7-8 years old, the two older sisters sat down and talked about how their dad had cheated on me with our neighbor (who was no longer my best friend, by then.) Then they told me that is why they were so mad at me when I decided to leave and divorce him when the youngest was 18. They wanted to know why, if I stayed for 18 years, I couldn't just stay for the rest of my life. Maybe if he had taken responsibility for his actions and tried to make up for it in the future, it might have turned out differently. Unfortunately, it was everyone's fault but his.

I envy you for keeping your marriage intact. I often wish I could have done the same.

[pepperbird]

10 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

This was just recently a topic in my household, as well. When my middle daughter was 5 years old (now 30), she is the one who caught my husband in a precarious "position" with my neighbor/best friend. I was pregnant with my youngest at the time. It hit the fan, but I decided to stay at that time. My youngest turns 24 today and last night, they were telling me that when she was about 7-8 years old, the two older sisters sat down and talked about how their dad had cheated on me with our neighbor (who was no longer my best friend, by then.) Then they told me that is why they were so mad at me when I decided to leave and divorce him when the youngest was 18. They wanted to know why, if I stayed for 18 years, I couldn't just stay for the rest of my life. Maybe if he had taken responsibility for his actions and tried to make up for it in the future, it might have turned out differently. Unfortunately, it was everyone's fault but his.

I envy you for keeping your marriage intact. I often wish I could have done the same.

We were able to, but it took a lot of work, mostly on his part. If he hadn't have been willing to do all that, I wouldn't have been able to stay.
 

Are they still upset with you, or do they understand why you made the choices you did? After all, you did the best you could do given what you knew at the time. Regret just bogs you down.

[2BGoodAgain]

18 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

This was just recently a topic in my household, as well. When my middle daughter was 5 years old (now 30), she is the one who caught my husband in a precarious "position" with my neighbor/best friend. I was pregnant with my youngest at the time. It hit the fan, but I decided to stay at that time. My youngest turns 24 today and last night, they were telling me that when she was about 7-8 years old, the two older sisters sat down and talked about how their dad had cheated on me with our neighbor (who was no longer my best friend, by then.) Then they told me that is why they were so mad at me when I decided to leave and divorce him when the youngest was 18. They wanted to know why, if I stayed for 18 years, I couldn't just stay for the rest of my life. Maybe if he had taken responsibility for his actions and tried to make up for it in the future, it might have turned out differently. Unfortunately, it was everyone's fault but his.

I envy you for keeping your marriage intact. I often wish I could have done the same.

you have to protect yourself, your kids... you did the right thing. a person who doesn't see responsibility for their own actions, are doomed to repeat it, b/c they're not addressing the problem. and it'll just happen again and again.

Also.... i wouldn't fret too much about what the kids said.. as we get older, we realize more things and the things we thought were so important as kids, we learn we were so wrong about it.

[vla1120]

4 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

We were able to, but it took a lot of work, mostly on his part. If he hadn't have been willing to do all that, I wouldn't have been able to stay.
 

Are they still upset with you, or do they understand why you made the choices you did? After all, you did the best you could do given what you knew at the time. Regret just bogs you down.

I am working on the regret issue. Holidays are the hardest because I do miss our family being together. It's been 6 years. They harbor quite a bit of anger toward him, especially since within a week of me announcing I wanted a divorce (after the reality of a breast cancer diagnosis set in) he was already dating someone new (and he is still with her.) They thought he moved on a bit too quickly. I remarried (a whole different topic), so it is all water under the bridge. 

[pepperbird]

4 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I am working on the regret issue. Holidays are the hardest because I do miss our family being together. It's been 6 years. They harbor quite a bit of anger toward him, especially since within a week of me announcing I wanted a divorce (after the reality of a breast cancer diagnosis set in) he was already dating someone new (and he is still with her.) They thought he moved on a bit too quickly. I remarried (a whole different topic), so it is all water under the bridge. 

I've found that these sorts of things can take a long time to work through, and they often pop up later in ways one might not expect.