Back again.

[AIJ]

It has been a few years since I found myself on here, but this website helped me enormously before. 

The last thread I made revolved around my ex girlfriend who had accidentally called me the wrong name whilst drunk. This relationship didn't work out and ended over 2 years ago but I got over this one really, really easily. Now on to my current situation:

I had a female friend for close to 8 years now, had always been there for me through everything, we spoke on a daily basis. She lives abroad and to be honest I never thought I'd meet her. However, in the Summer of 2018, she came over here for 3 weeks and it just clicked, it was wonderful. We had arranged for her to come back again in December of 2018, however due to finances etc. it just wasn't possible. She came over again last Summer and again we had an amazing time. I arranged to fly out to her after Christmas for 2 weeks. It went bitter very quickly. Alarm bells originally started to ring when she didn't meet me at the airport as I came through, instead she opted to sit in her car and waited for me to inform her I was there. Weird. Anyway, she greeted me with a hug, then we drove back to where I was staying which was literally a stones throw away from her house.

The first night was fine, I was incredibly tired so just slept for most of it. I won't go into immense details of what occurred over the following week but rather than just bring a suitcase or whatever over to where I was staying, she would instead opt to go home every day to get ready - usually taking around 3 hours to do so. I thought it was odd. She was also really cold and there was a distinct lack of affection throughout my time with her. This hurt me so I called her out on it and we had a huge fight. Bare in mind where I was staying was pretty much in the middle of nowhere, I had no means of transport so I was pretty much just sat there for hours every day doing nothing. So, I opted to pay for a hotel for the remainder of my time there, somewhere that wasn't in the middle of nowhere. She came with me however she was not happy at all. We stayed for one night, in which she pretty much ignored me, put her earphones in and just watched videos on her phone. The following morning, I kind of snapped and told her to just get her stuff and go home, I then proceeded to book a flight home. I was heartbroken and I felt incredibly humiliated considering I travelled all that way to be treated as if I wasn't really wanted. 

That was just over a week ago. I have contacted her since, to which she has told me we can't repair it and the way I treated her that morning really hurt her. I have now blocked her everywhere. 

I'm suffering immensely, I can barely get out of bed. I have opted to go through counselling through my University, with my first meeting on Tuesday. I'm trying to keep myself busy as much as I can, but I don't have a huge circle of friends and the few friends I do have unfortunately moved away for jobs, relationships etc. 

I'm not really sure what the purpose of this post is but I just wanted to vent. 

[andytuotuo]

Hi there, 

it sucks, it really does. I’m in the same shoes and I have lost her. 

the only advice I can give you is do not commit to conversations at this point. No more communication. All it does is hurt both of you. The affection is gone, replaced with anger and sadness. It is so easy to get into a fight and say something you will both regret. Please for the love of god just to leave each other alone. Give you both time and space. Don’t do disservice to yourself. 
 

when a relationship dies, let it die. Give it time and space. I wish I would have listened to these advice. I have lost her forever. Not even friendship. So take from me, focus on other things. It is really difficult but it’s what you gotta do. 
 

if you wanna talk to her,  talk to someone else. Throw your phone into the ocean or lake if you can’t control yourself. I wish I have done that 

 

 

[schlumpy]

Your experience seems quite bizarre. She comes here and it's wonderful but you go there and it's as if you were an inconvenience. I suspect you didn't really know enough about this woman or her background. She had a secret.

[AIJ]

Just now, schlumpy said:

Your experience seems quite bizarre. She comes here and it's wonderful but you go there and it's as if you were an inconvenience. I suspect you didn't really know enough about this woman or her background. She had a secret.

It was incredibly strange. Everyone around me has said the same, it just doesn't make sense. She wanted to introduce me to her friends and her family but when she did she would act so weird with me and it was so uncomfortable. 

[schlumpy]

I just get the feeling that for some reason you were in the way. Is it possible that her family would help her conspire to keep something quiet like her being married? Do you know any of her family members or friends well enough that they would give you some insight?

[AIJ]

8 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

I just get the feeling that for some reason you were in the way. Is it possible that her family would help her conspire to keep something quiet like her being married? Do you know any of her family members or friends well enough that they would give you some insight?

I think marriage could be a bit of a stretch given we're both quite young, however I suspect she may have met someone else between summer and now whilst at college. I wouldn't be surprised if those around her did conspire to keep this quiet, or perhaps she kept it quiet from them herself and felt guilty hence why it was so uncomfortable. I don't know any of them well enough to be able to gain some insight, and quite honestly I don't think I would want to. My last relationship that I struggled to get over ended as a result of my ex finding someone new and jumping into a new relationship almost instantaneously. Beginning to think I'm the problem 😂

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

I am sorry for your pain. As others have said - for your own sanity, health, recovery, and eventual happiness, stick to NC. 100% Find a mate, a family member, a teacher - or if you're lucky a few of them, that you can talk to, text, cry to, scream, etc. Don't block the emotions - let them come and don't run away.

 

As for helping your brain process the "why" - you may never fully know. That's the hardest part about dating - even after 50 years your partner could surprise you. In this case there could be a variety of reasons why she acted the way she did. The reason doesn't matter. Her behavior was the problem. If she didn't like you any more, had met someone else, couldn't act like a gf or a fwb with you around her family, etc - she had the obligation to tell you, and realistically before you booked the trip. That's why dating a woman 18-24/26 is so hard. If they don't come from a stable, loving family, or they haven't gotten comfortable with emotions, their own bodies, thoughts, feelings, etc. - they can lead you on and on until one day they break your heart. I don't mean to say men that age are great - they're not any better (or worse) - but you'r a guy and she's a woman. So, a lesson learned for you - don't spend big money on something like that - traveling to meet someone, don't buy an engagement ring, don't buy her a car, etc. until you really know them. 

 

Again - sorry for your pain! Focus on yourself now and what you want out of life. And as a sensitive guy let me tell you - DO NOT RUN FROM YOUR FEELINGS. Even if you're not a touchy/feely dude - trust me - the pain and the anger and the hurt serves a greater purpose. 

[AIJ]

24 minutes ago, scooby-philly said:

OP,

 

I am sorry for your pain. As others have said - for your own sanity, health, recovery, and eventual happiness, stick to NC. 100% Find a mate, a family member, a teacher - or if you're lucky a few of them, that you can talk to, text, cry to, scream, etc. Don't block the emotions - let them come and don't run away.

 

As for helping your brain process the "why" - you may never fully know. That's the hardest part about dating - even after 50 years your partner could surprise you. In this case there could be a variety of reasons why she acted the way she did. The reason doesn't matter. Her behavior was the problem. If she didn't like you any more, had met someone else, couldn't act like a gf or a fwb with you around her family, etc - she had the obligation to tell you, and realistically before you booked the trip. That's why dating a woman 18-24/26 is so hard. If they don't come from a stable, loving family, or they haven't gotten comfortable with emotions, their own bodies, thoughts, feelings, etc. - they can lead you on and on until one day they break your heart. I don't mean to say men that age are great - they're not any better (or worse) - but you'r a guy and she's a woman. So, a lesson learned for you - don't spend big money on something like that - traveling to meet someone, don't buy an engagement ring, don't buy her a car, etc. until you really know them. 

 

Again - sorry for your pain! Focus on yourself now and what you want out of life. And as a sensitive guy let me tell you - DO NOT RUN FROM YOUR FEELINGS. Even if you're not a touchy/feely dude - trust me - the pain and the anger and the hurt serves a greater purpose. 

Thank you I really appreciate your post. I had been driving myself crazy thinking what if I just done this or that but in the end, regardless of how I acted, her behaviour towards me was a big issue and ultimately it was clear that she didn't want it anymore. 

Huge and painful lesson to learn but I know I will be better for it in the future.

I went back to my old posts from my first breakup, just to assess the timeline and kind of drill it into my head that I will be okay in time. Seems it took around 3 months for me to get over it, and that was with my ex consistently interfering and setting me back. I'm going to be okay. 

[Legatus]

You're trying to find holes in your behaviour because subconsciously you know, right now, it's the only source of information you can get. That stage is never easy as it can plant seeds of negativity all around our brain. 

Did you do anything wrong? As long as you were true to your feelings and didn't hurt her, you had a right to be emotional, call her out, and question her behaviour. She couldn't handle it because, as others said, she may have had something to hide. Or not. Doesn't matter. 

What matters is that you learn from it and go on a wiser man than you were before this situation.

[AIJ]

2 hours ago, Legatus said:

You're trying to find holes in your behaviour because subconsciously you know, right now, it's the only source of information you can get. That stage is never easy as it can plant seeds of negativity all around our brain. 

Did you do anything wrong? As long as you were true to your feelings and didn't hurt her, you had a right to be emotional, call her out, and question her behaviour. She couldn't handle it because, as others said, she may have had something to hide. Or not. Doesn't matter. 

What matters is that you learn from it and go on a wiser man than you were before this situation.

I personally feel I didn't do anything wrong. Granted, I probably could have handled the morning I told her to leave the hotel a little better but at that point I think I knew we were done. She had treated me horrifically for 9 days. I'm not the most emotional man in the world but that trip very nearly brought me to tears multiple times. Being in a country far, far away from home and being treated like I was an inconvenience really took a toll on me. I honestly felt a huge wave of relief when I boarded my plane home, and even more so when I landed. I know it's the right thing for me, it's just getting over the pain of losing someone I could go to for anything for the past 8 years. 

[Legatus]

Good to hear you feel that way. I think you were totally right to be emotional, so even if you were a bit off usual self, that is still understandable. 

I can imagine. 8 years is a long time but you took a shot, did your best, and that takes balls. Clearly something is going behind the scenes but if she couldn't appreciate you fully then it's her loss!

[AIJ]

Struggling with the whole 'what if' thought process again today. Trying to keep myself occupied but whenever I get those moments to myself, I find myself ruminating about the trip. I've been unable to sleep, my appetite isn't completely destroyed but I am just about managing one meal a day. Going to get myself back to the gym on Monday and hope that can help with the healing process. I feel completely broken and I am baffled at how she managed to mask her true colours for so long. 

[schlumpy]

Your only real choice now is to hire a PI if you want find out her secret but why go looking for more pain.

There is a scripted program called the 180 and it might help you. You can find it on the chump lady's website.

Good luck.