Mixed signals or am I just reading too far into things?

[Funktionull]

My girlfriend of 2 years and I broke up just before Thanksgiving so it has been about 2 months. It was her decision but I acknowledged that it was the right one even though I would have preferred we work on things. I admittedly wasn't a good person and didn't give her who she deserved. I'm having more problems getting over the guilt and regret and being disappointed with myself than anything. I do miss her very much and love her deeply, I just let it get away from me and I'm at peace with her decision to end it. It has been no contact except for one time when I texted her to ask if I could see her 9 year old son who I was very close with and also love dearly. She did let me see him which was a really good experience but also a confusing one. Now that you have some back story...

I recently had a problem with my pancreas and was in the hospital for a while and she contacted me to see how I was and asked me to keep her updated when I knew more about what was wrong. I thanked her and made sure she knew that even though she didn't hear from me, it didn't mean I hadn't been thinking about her and her son. To which she replied "I think about you all the time too incase you were wondering". 

My question is what is her motivation to tell me that? It just seems like something you would keep to yourself if you didn't at least harbor thoughts of something in the future. Why volunteer that information? Also, when I contacted her about seeing her son she said that after she told him I wanted to see him he wouldn't stop asking her when he could see me because he missed me so much. Now you could say that she only allowed me to see him because it made HIM happy but why even tell him I wanted to? She could have just said no and he never would have known I wanted to see him. Again, it just seems like as a mother if you KNEW there was never going to be anything in the future you wouldn't want to confuse your child and allow him to see me when I invariably would have to go away when she moves on in life.

My biggest problem now is that I still have hope and I'm trying to figure out if I should or not. Part of me wants to think she has hope depending on how I conduct myself and how I fix things in my own life but the other part thinks she is just a kind person who still loves me through a closed door.

Ps: I know that it is better for the child that I just go away if there isn't any hope for a future where I would again be a permanent part of his life. That's part of why I want so badly to figure things out. 

Edited January 17, 2020 by Funktionull

[preraph]

I think her actions may have more to do with your illness. Pancreas problems are very serious, often fatal. I think it's possible she realized that if she didn't make contact with you and offer some support and something happened to you that she would feel terrible. 

 

Once you are back on your feet, if you want to broach getting back together all you can do is ask her out and see if she is willing to go and talk to her about it. But do remember that women find it pretty easy to just be friends with guys without being romantic. 

 

Hope you feel better soon. 

[Funktionull]

22 minutes ago, preraph said:

I think her actions may have more to do with your illness. Pancreas problems are very serious, often fatal. I think it's possible she realized that if she didn't make contact with you and offer some support and something happened to you that she would feel terrible. 

 

Once you are back on your feet, if you want to broach getting back together all you can do is ask her out and see if she is willing to go and talk to her about it. But do remember that women find it pretty easy to just be friends with guys without being romantic. 

 

Hope you feel better 

I don't know if it makes sense or not but my goal isn't necessarily to get back together. I know I'm not entitled to that. I had my chance, it was mine to lose and I mishandled it. That's on me. I just want her to know how sorry I am for letting us both down. There were so many things we both wanted with each other that we had never wanted before and I just feel like I cheated us both out of what could have been. I just want her to be happy and if she does not have hope for us in the future I want her to go forward in her own without harboring anything for me. And I dont want the next person to have to carry any of the weight of my failures. 

It's a situation of me figuring myself out a little too late and taking things for granted just a little too long. When and if I do have a talk with her how do I voice all of these things without is seeming like I'm trying to buy a second chance? That's not what it is.

 

Also, I worry that if she loves me enough to be concerned for me that if she truly does not have hope, she will be too afraid to meet me because she will just assume I am going to try to get her back or maybe she would be worried that of we were to talk or be around each other she would want to try again when she knows that she cant or doesnt need to.

Ps. Thanks for wishing me well. I'm doing a lot better and there doesnt seen to be any long term problems. Just no more alchohol.

 

Edit : Also my biggest fear is that I will move on in a way that makes a future impossible when there was hope. If I dont make sure, I'll never be able to stop thinking about it or give myself fully to a life without her. I'm entertaining the idea of moving out of state because we live very close and in a small town where its impossible to get away from it. I love her too much to ever have a friendship. I have feelings that would prevent that from ever being healthy and I know this. So if there is no hope I dont think I can be here this close to her. It's not like I could just go no contact and move on, we'd constantly be running into each other. I've ran into her a dozen times in the last month alone and out of respect i just avoid her. I dont want to live somewhere where I have to do that or look for her everywhere I go so I dont run into her.

Edited January 17, 2020 by Funktionull

[preraph]

I'm just curious. Was alcohol a part of your problems why you broke up why you weren't able to work things out together?

 

I only ask because you mentioned alcohol, because the doctors probably said that's what caused the pancreatitis. 

 

So I was just thinking if you have quit alcohol and it was ever a problem, it might be why you are having remorse and more clarity about what made your relationship fail now if you're sober. 

 

It also might make a difference to her to know if it was something that was a negative in your relationship. 

 

If your remorse and understanding of your part in the failure is something new that you have realized and have not communicated to her, I think you just open with that looking back, you realized so many things that you did wrong and that you're real sorry for that. 

 

But just know that unless there has been a big change such as discussed above about the alcohol, having remorse doesn't necessarily mean you could change the behavior. And of course so much depends on how two people play off each other and trigger each other. 

 

But as long as she has the communication channels open, there's nothing wrong with just telling her that you I've had a lot of time to think more clearly and just want to apologize and that you realize your part.  

 

Remember that less is more, especially since you don't want to give her the wrong idea. 

 

and I totally understand that it would be too difficult for you to be just friends with her, but that doesn't mean that you can't be civil without being friends in such a way that you have to listen about her personal life. 

 

 

[Funktionull]

It wasn't alcohol related. I've never been a heavy drinker. It was just part of my doctors orders to allow everything to heal.

It was mostly just the way I reacted to things and how I communicated. We came from very different backgrounds. I grew up rough and she grew up coddled for example. I never really slowed down enough to realize that how I said things was as important as what I said. I just expected her to have the same contextual aptitude that I had based off of my life experience and to be able to take things the way I would and to have skin as thick as mine. There were so many times where I legitimately did not mean to say anything hurtful and it would just be percieved as such. 

Granted I was brash and blunt. Never hateful or mean but just generally inconsiderate of how what I said would be percieved by someone who I knew was a much more fragile person than I.

I'm that way with everyone but she should have been treated special. I should have been a place of emotional support and protection and not one of scrutiny where she was not only not comforted but asked to change as well.

There are so many things I feel bad about. I was unforgiving as well. If she said something was going to happen and it didn't there was no understanding on my part. For example if she were to send me intimate texts during the day while we were at work talking about what she was going to do to me that night, I would expect it. It didnt matter what happened in the day after that. It didnt matter if school work got in the way or we were out and it got late and we got tired. It didnt matter if something happened later that ruined the mood. I was like I didn't ask you to build that up or set me up to expect it, you voluntarily put that in my head and therefore are at fault for it not happening with no consideration of how valid the things were that changed the evening. I should have been saying...you know what..this woman loves me and wants me enough to give me things to look forward to so my day is a little bit better. She wasnt doing it to intentionally disappoint me, she was doing it because she genuinely wants me to be happy and sometimes things get in the way.

That's just one of the many ways I failed her. I just did a poor job at making sure she knew she was loved. I did an even worse job at giving her a place to feel loved and comforted and safe. I should have been her place to go for those things and all I gave her was more of the world she should have been able to escape by coming to me.

And that's what hurts the most. Knowing that all of what ended us was preventable. Knowing that it didnt have to go this way. We didn't have many issues at all. The sex was amazing and we both loved each other physically. There was so much love in general. We both had similar world views and both appreciated each others quirks (my favorite was how she'd get tongue tied all the time and say random words ). She was so adorable in so many ways.

Being so close to everything I wanted and having so much of what I needed and having it be with such a beautiful loving person and squandering it is really hard to get over. I know in time I'll get over her...it's within my power.. I just dont think I can get over myself or forgive myself for losing that.

It was mine for the taking. It was right there. And I just botched it in every way conceivable. I could go on and on but you get the picture. This isn't me just listing all the stuff I would say to get her back. This is me feeling genuinely ashamed of it and acknowledging it to myself even if I never get to tell her.

 

Edited January 17, 2020 by Funktionull

[Funktionull]

My brain knows that even if I am able to tell her these things and she really understands how truly I mean them and how aware and able to change I am, it would not matter. But my heart won't listen. I dont even know if I deserve a chance to tell her how I feel. Maybe she doesn't and shouldn't care. Maybe it wouldn't help her at all and I'm just trying to absolve myself of guilt. Maybe the right thing to do for her is to just say nothing for fear of planting thoughts in her head that could make her change her mind away from what she thinks is best. It's just hard having so much to say and meaning it so much and feeling like she'll never know to what extent I wish it had been different.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Funktionull said:

 Maybe she doesn't and shouldn't care. Maybe it wouldn't help her at all and I'm just trying to absolve myself of guilt.

Help her with what, exactly?

[Funktionull]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Help her with what, exactly?

To put to rest any doubt that she may have about it being over and to not question whether there is anything wrong with herself going forward. 

She has indicated that she thinks she just isn't meant to be happy or that "something is wrong with me and people can't just love me and be happy". I just want to clearly lay out my failings and say sorry. Maybe it would help her. There's no reason not to at this point.

 

 

I have spent a lot of time thinking about it and as much as I would like for her to remain in my life, I don't think it's fair to allow her to be. She was done. If so, that's fine but you don't get to be done and still satisfy your curiosity about how I'm doing. You don't get to be done and leave me in your life in only the capacity that YOU want (someone you can check on and know how they are doing and who you say can message you whenever they want etc). 

I've decided I'm going to in as concise a way as possible apologize both to her and for myself (it needs to happen for me even if she doesn't care) and then tell her that there aren't halfway points with me, that I will never be ok being friends or even knowing her and that if it is truly dead for her that I want her to expect no more communication. No more updates about my health, no more benign chit chat back and forth about "oh it was nice to hear from you too blah blah". No more professing that its "ok to message whenever you want". Because it isn't ok. I don't want to say Hi. It does nothing for the love I have that has nowhere to go now. 

 

Edited January 17, 2020 by Funktionull

[JTSW]

Instead of broaching anything to do with relationships or getting back together etc, why don't you suggest just spending some time together occasionally.

Going for walks or taking her son to the park together etc.

I feel there is genuine affection between you.

Things don't need to be complicated.