I was ghosted - how do I heal?

[fridaygirl]

I’ve spent time reading other posts here and find it so sadly ironic yet comforting that we all have similar stories to tell and most of us believe ours is “different” and it could end up working out then suddenly blows up and we find ourselves grieving the loss. The pain is real. My EA blew up over the holidays while I was on vacation with my family. AP, a MM (2nd marriage, kiddos, tons of emotional baggage)We met through work during a rough patch in my marriage and it became physical after 7 months of daily texting/sexting, picture swapping, fun chat. It was a huge dopamine high seeing a fresh message come over. Funny thing when I saw him in person during the EA, face to face convo was awkward for me but we could text for hours. We always joked about the dopamine high we both got. That addiction is a real thing!! I won’t lie, our 1 time physical encounter was incredible for both of us. But, 2 weeks later, he had a mental breakdown and I was ghosted.  Apparently, he told his wife during a drunken stupor he loved someone else and she kicked him out. He is working hard to get back with her-I know he adores the kids. But the advice I need is this......I see him in passing about once per week at work. Should I just totally ignore him unless I need to speak about work? I could technically quit as it’s just a side job. Also, I’ve messaged him twice, first time I got a very distant and generic reply, second time nothing.   NC but not blocking is what I’m doing now. So what things can I do for myself to make it easier to heal? My marriage is holding its own but I have minimal attraction to my husband. This is so hard and much more emotionally draining than I expected. 

[Hip Pocket]

Hi fridaygirl, I’m sorry you had a good thing go sour after he ruined it with his confession. Being ghosted is no fun but can you pick it all back up once he’s got himself in a good place? It usually takes a few months from what I’ve read and that’s not really a long time. I’m sure he’ll apologize about the ghosting and you can take it from there unless of course you are really done with this. If so, then quitting your job might be a good thing. 
 

If it were me and my heart was in it I’d give him some time to figure out what he really wants. He may just realize that he wants you back. If he did, would you want him back? 

[Starswillshine]

10 hours ago, Pocket said:

Hi fridaygirl, I’m sorry you had a good thing go sour after he ruined it with his confession. Being ghosted is no fun but can you pick it all back up once he’s got himself in a good place? It usually takes a few months from what I’ve read and that’s not really a long time. I’m sure he’ll apologize about the ghosting and you can take it from there unless of course you are really done with this. If so, then quitting your job might be a good thing. 
 

If it were me and my heart was in it I’d give him some time to figure out what he really wants. He may just realize that he wants you back. If he did, would you want him back? 

So you suggest she just take the disrespect? Take less than what she deserves? 

[fridaygirl]

Thank you for replying. I was afraid of getting criticized for my bad choices so thanks for being kind.  I’m super conflicted. Only way I can describe what I’m feeling is an addict who has quit and every day I stay “clean” the better off I am. Obviously there were feelings but I’m not sure if it was like, lust or love. It would be a relapse for me at this point if we started talking again but it would be soooo tempting. It hurts that after getting so close to someone, I get a text saying “I don’t know who I am anymore” and then silence. And I’m well aware that the long term outcome for EAs lasting is abysmal -esp. with this person who not only has poor mental health, but tons of baggage too. My heart says yes but my head says run. Uuuggghh. Sucks. Never dreamed I’d be in this position.

[BlindsidedTwice]

1 hour ago, fridaygirl said:

Only way I can describe what I’m feeling is an addict who has quit and every day I stay “clean” the better off I am.

I understand this feeling. I do believe that it is an addiction and that you should treat it as such.

I am a former married other woman, so I understand your pain. My xMM ghosted me in July. He then came back in October, November, December, and even just last weekend to try to "get back together".  It is extremely painful to push him away because my addiction wants to keep him forever. But that's just it. An addiction. Having an affair is selfish and hurts everyone involved, even those who are in the dark about it. I feel extreme remorse for being so distant from my husband and son for three years, for convincing myself that I deserved the thrill of the affair, for being involved with another woman's husband, and most obviously, for having sex with a man who is not my husband. 

Are you able to get into therapy? It has made a world of difference for me. I am healing, feeling stronger, reconnecting with my husband, and finally, the affair fog is lifting.  When my xMM reaches out, it really sets me back, but I am completely determined to be a better person. I'd do anything to be good again.

Go to therapy. Exercise outside daily. Journal. Read. Spend time with safe female friends. Volunteer. Go on date nights with your husband. Put in the work and you'll reap the rewards; I promise.

[AriesMan83]

Hi Fridaygirl, 

Affairs are an escape from the realities of daily life.Its a fantasy where you do not have to worry about mortgage or laundry or grocery or any other real life issues.What you are missing is not the MM but the escape from the stress of daily life..

When a person is in an affair,he/she transfers their feelings towards their affair partner.The reason you feel minimal attraction towards your husband is because you are still invested in your MM.Your relationship with your husband is based on trust and honesty.What you have with your husband is a true relationship.

Affairs are an addiction.It is very difficult to end them.You will have to go through withdrawal like an addict trying to quit drugs..Pls get another job as soon as possible.You seeing him is keeping him in your thoughts.You are still in an emotional affair.You need to block him on every channel of communication.You need to have mental NC too.

Did you discuss your marriage issues with your husband before having an affair?Dud you ask him to join you for MC?If he didn't agree to discuss the problems or to go MC wit you,did you ask for a seperation or divorce??Why did you made the choice of having an affair instead of ending the marriage and then starting a new relationship with a single guy?

Get into IC to find out why you thought it was OK to have an affair?Peel off all the layers of infidelity with IC.A therapist can also help you develop better boundaries and strong coping skills.

Pls read the following book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.It will help you get a better picture about affairs.Pls read about Limerence too.

Have you confessed to your husband??

Edited January 17, 2020 by AriesMan83

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, fridaygirl said:

 I’m well aware that the long term outcome for EAs lasting is abysmal -esp. with this person who not only has poor mental health, but tons of baggage too. My heart says yes but my head says run. Uuuggghh. Sucks. Never dreamed I’d be in this position.

I was in a somewhat similar situation and somehow managed to listen to my head. Ended up very glad I did. I (we really) could have blown up two families but didn't. So suggest you stay strong.

There are many good reasons to tell your husband, but IF you decide to you need to be prepared for the full range of possible outcomes of that. It's possible that his wife (or he) will tell your husband, so you should be prepared for a possible Dday either way.

Since there was a PA and particularly if this person has "poor mental health and baggage" you should get checked for STDs. IF you have one, that would presumably necessitate telling your husband so he can tested as well.

[stillafool]

I don't understand,  if he told his wife he's in love with someone else why is he trying to get back home?  This is the perfect opportunity for him to leave.

[heartwhole2]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

I don't understand,  if he told his wife he's in love with someone else why is he trying to get back home?  This is the perfect opportunity for him to leave.

When my husband had an affair, he was caught up in the feelings as well. He confessed to me that he and the OW had feelings for each other, and I think that in his very non-reality based mind he had convinced himself that I didn't want the marriage and thought I'd be like, "Oh good, well we can just get divorced then." So when I was traumatized and completely floored, he instantly began backpedaling. No, no, see, she had feelings for him, but he didn't have feelings for her . . . (Like that makes sense. Why would you keep some lovesick friend of yours a secret if you were not interested?) By the time I figured out it was actually a PA two weeks later, he was completely scrambling to save the marriage and had no problem going NC. I know from reading here that many MM do break NC eventually, but I think a lot of times the affair seems really nice as an add-on to the primary life of the MM, but once he is at risk of losing the wife and family, those feelings evaporate. While the affair is still a secret leading up to DDay, the feelings can convince you that your wife hates you and life with the AP would be much better. But looking the heartbroken wife you've stabbed in the back in the eye can make things clear pretty fast. He's not going to transition from one relationship to the next without looking like a horrible jerk who did his wife wrong, and many MM are conflict-avoidant and image-conscious and are not prepared at all for handling that.

Also, it's pretty simple psychology that you want the one you can't have. During the affair that's the AP. After DDay if the wife has firm boundaries and self-esteem, then those roles are reversed. 

[Naivewomen]

Heartwhole2, I understand what you are saying. My exam was caught several times. His wife truly heartbroken and did instill firm boundaries. He did backpedal but continued to try and keep me hanging in there!

Not sure this makes much sense. He loves and adores his wife but would also love for me to continue to love and adore him as well. Two women doting on him is absolutely better than one. Once I realized that's what it was I stepped back. It's been over 1.5 years and he still periodically will call or pop up to tell me he will never get over me and his feelings continue. Still misses me and etc. But hes on strict orders to never reach out and even has a tracker app on his phone. I'm not even sure why he cares if I still want him or not. 

None of it makes sense.

[fridaygirl]

thank you all for the replies so far. We’ve been NC since 12/31 and I Highly doubt I’ll hear from him. Probably for the best. It’s a little easier with each day. I believe he got himself messed up on a bad combo of meds and kinda unraveled around the time he told his wife. I’m assuming the person he said he was in love with was me considering the timing. But who knows? He’s super high IQ but socially and mentally a real hot mess. He has 2 young children at home whom he adores. So after 2 weeks of being kicked out, he is back home, I’m sure with very strict boundaries. I don’t think they can afford to be split up. Second marriage for both, she doesn’t work, lots of baggage for both. From what I hear, they get along well as partners, just lack romance. My heart misses the relationship, but my brain knows it is extremely unhealthy and a true relationship would never work out with us. 90% of our communication was via text which is much less inhibited than face to face.  He is pretty messed up anyway. I only wish I’d get an apology or explanation considering how close of friends we were.