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Not Sure What to Make of xMM


PhoenixRising8

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PhoenixRising8

MM and I broke up May 2018. It left me devasted. I had just lost my job and then we broke up. I spent 6 weeks literally in isolation, inside my head, in therapy. I woke up one day and pushed myself to go to meet ups, job interviews and just generally get out. By end of July I had new friends, a social life and a new job I loved. Life was looking better than it had in many months, since about December/January. 

Around Labour Day, I was cleaning out emails and I was surprised to see an email suggesting him as a match from a dating app. I laughed because, what were the odds?  I guess not that low as I had already been matched on a different website with xH. Even though my profile was set to private, somehow I managed to accidentally request pictures. Ah the joys of an iPad's touch screen. He responded with pictures and for almost a week I catfished him before I tired and told him I would out him to his wife. He then asked me not to as they were communicating more and I was right, she deserved better. He immediately got off the site. 

I did nothing for almost a month but I thought about her a lot. Thought about what she was going through. What kind of life she was leading always suspecting and wondering. We broke up so he could work on his marriage now here he is trying to cheat again. I finally printed off the screen caps of his profile and emails and mailed them to her at the end of September/early October. In the emails he waxed poetic about me and would only say about her that she was a good person but his head and heart were not in the marriage any longer but he was staying for financial reasons.  Days after I mailed the package, he texted me. I waited almost a day and then responded wondering why he was contacting me after 5 months of silence. What was he after?  He said he regretted his behaviour towards me, that he always loved me but just couldn't get up the nerve because of guilt and obligation. We were texting back and forth and then he called me and we talked for about an hour.  Apparently he was on the west coast on vacation with BS and the BFFs.  Last week I found out that at that point, he was a few weeks into a new affair. 

When he returned home a few days later we got together for coffee to catch up.  After about an hour, I dropped the bombshell on him of what I had done.  He was dumbfounded.  I suggested he go home, come clean and beg for forgiveness.  We talked for about another hour after my revelation.  When he left, I thought that would be it and life went on for a couple of days.  Then Satan (xH for those unfamiliar with my story) started a very concerted effort at harassment and threats against me to ruin my professional reputation because of my prior relationship with xMM.  I thought that xMM had called him with stories so I called him to determine if he had..  The topic of xMM had come up with Satan and after ruminating on it a few days, Satan went satanic on me and lost his excrement.   Turns out he hadn't and that started an on/off let's be friends sort of interaction.  Texts and calls here and there and a couple of coffees  I made it very clear and stuck to it that the affair would not resume.  I will admit that the chemistry was still there and we eventually did engage in a bit of flirting but it didn't go anywhere.  He had also repeatedly told me that he still loves me and regrets how things turned out.

just before Christmas, we met for dinner on his way back from visiting his brother.  He then told me he was getting close to packing it in and hoped I would give him another chance.  I'd heard it all before so didn't really believe him.  We didn't talk for a couple of weeks.  I found an old picture of his he had left at mine before we broke up so I texted asking if he wanted it back.  Next thing he's telling me he misses me big time and he has reinitiated separation talks with BS.  He offered to send me the draft separation agreement, which he did the following morning.  He spent the next 2 days telling me he can't do the marriage any longer and wants me back.  We met for coffee and he was all choked up asking for another chance to move mountains for me, prove himself to me and do everything possible to make me happy every day of our lives.  I was kind of incredulous.  The next morning ... seismic shift.  He has to work at the marriage out of respect for the decades they spent together.  Not unexpected but it angered me.  We agreed to be friends.  I wasn't pushing an agenda.  I merely wanted to know if he wanted the picture back.  I even said he should take a couple of weeks and really think about what he was doing and saying as I was going away on business and then going on vacation (tomorrow...yay me).  He was adamant he wanted me and 12 hours later, he back tracked.

Last Friday I said I wanted to talk to him because I wanted to understand what kind of games he was playing.  The conversation went in a direction I did not expect.  He was going home to confess he had an affair and was now in another.  I was in shock.  He's having an affair, he's trying to get me back and he's leaving his wife.  What the F$&@???  I blocked him on my personal cell but forgot he had my work cell.  He texted on Wednesday to apologize to me.  I asked him what the hell he was doing.  Today we talked as he wanted to give me some answers.  Long story very short, he cares about the OW, he confessed to BS and the marriage is over but I am the one he loves and wants. He was at times incoherent and sobbing.  This isn't who he is and the guilt over what he was doing to his family, to me and now the OW is killing him.  He wants to be the person he once was.

i don't get it.  I outed him to BS and I told him so.  He continued to engage and tell me he loves me.  I did not go back on my word I would not engage in an affair.  We have not been intimate for 9 months.  He has an OW but seems he doesn't want her long term. I had believed he was like me, very conflicted about ending a long term marriage and feeling guilty.  Then I thought he was a cake eater.  Now I have no clue.  I'm off on a one week cruise in the morning so we will have no contact.  I think he finally broke himself.  Maybe he has a conscience after all.

 

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HadMeOverABarrel

Be careful. At best he's on a rollar coster ride. Don't climb aboard. Too unstable. Best thing for you is to put thoughts of him aside, go on your trip, have an amazing time, flirt like crazy. Your head will clear and you'll destress. The situation with him will be status quo when you return. Don't burn up your vacation obsessing about giving him another chance!

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Bittersweetie

Kat, after all the excrement this MM has put you through, why are you even engaging with him? Can you go back and re-read all your long threads again? The ones where everyone said you should just block this guy and move on, and you would reply with "No, no, no. I got this. I can handle it." Then you'd return upset/sad/angry/confused. Yes, you broke it off and that was a positive step for you. So why re-engage when he's just giving you the runaround yet again? Okay, he has separation papers. And also another OW. Good grief, why would you invite that kind of drama back into your life? Especially when you're dealing with your xH?

You will never know why this MM does what he does and frankly it's not your problem. Block him, go on your cruise, and don't engage again. So what if you still have chemistry with him? Just because two people have chemistry does not mean it's a healthy or positive relationship. 

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Wow...after all that you went through you're still in contact with him?

I'm sorry but I don't believe this nonsense about staying friends. You know it's wrong. Would you want your husband being friends with his ExOW?  If you were really concerned about his wife, you would remove yourself from his life.

When you saw him on the dating site, you could have simply blocked him...but deep down he's still occupying a place in your heart,  whether you admit this is another matter. 

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Hi Kat - I’m sad to see all of this after watching what you went through earlier in the year. This guy is so disgusting and I really don’t understand how you can believe a word he has said even if he has taken a different “approach”. 
 

Why do you still feel like you need answers from him? He’s a very selfish, disturbed man. Let’s say the M is done, do you believe he would be faithful to you? Within a couple months of your break off he’s searching for a new A. Now he’s actually in another one. I believe you stated many times “even if the M was done, I could never be with him. Too much water under the bridge”. What are you doing putting yourself back in this swirl?? I really have no words for that guy. Ick! 

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PhoenixRising8

I hear what you are all saying. Please don't worry. I did miss our friendship. He has been there for me again since October in supporting me through the trials and tribulations with Satan. It has helped a lot. He knows the full story like no one else but my therapist. I have always been thankful and grateful for his support. He literally saved my life almost 2 years ago and for that reason, I can't hate him  

His marriage is over. They have separated and he's adamant there will be no reconciliation. She forced him to tell the kids the marriage is over and that he stepped out. That must have been very difficult for him. He says he has come to realize that being conflict avoidant has led to his breaking point and he ended up hurting a lot of people along the way. If he's learned that lesson, I'm happy for him because it is a valuable lesson. He now is ending it with the OOW. Whether I want him back or not. He realizes that it was a mistake to try to put a bandaid on his problems by getting involved with someone else. He wanted to end it with her when we reconnected, despite what I did but she ended her marriage and he felt guilty and stayed. Then he broke up with her and she guilted him into reconsidering briefly. He realizes his conflict avoidance and decision making based on guilt have led him to the breaking point and hurt a lot of people along the way. That's why last week he did what he's always known was the right thing and that was to end his marriage. He is now ending the affair because it isn't what he wants. Regardless of my not wanting to get back into a romantic relationship. And he's in IC. FINALLY. Looks like he's finally reached his ah-ha moment. Good for him. 

As for me, I have arrived in San Juan and am really looking forward to my cruise starting tomorrow. The sun is in the sky, the city is beautiful and the weather is warm. Life is good. 

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Welp this is your guy - weak, wishy-washy, lying cheat of a man.

I'm sorry that he was your only source of support during a difficult time.  I remember when you caught him back on Ashley Madison last fall and told you that if you keep this up you'd be right back in the drama.  And here you are.  You specifically said that "there is more than one way to heal and this is mine" and I hope you can now see the folly of that sort of thinking.  This is coming up on two years of your life wasted on this joker.

Is this guy super hot or what - I don't understand how he's managed to string three women along and yet they all seem to want to give him second chances when he comes back with the poor me I feel so guilty act.  Incredible.

 

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9 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Is this guy super hot or what - I don't understand how he's managed to string three women along and yet they all seem to want to give him second chances when he comes back with the poor me I feel so guilty act.  Incredible.

He just knows how to choose the right ones...

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Sorry, but I  think LilKatKat is seeing light at the end of the long tunnel.
He has supposedly separated and is going to soon get rid of his OOW, the coast will then be clear for LilKatKat to finally "get her man"...

I am sure her spirits are a little bit higher as she steps onto that cruise ship.

BUT...
Again I am at a loss to understand why any woman after being  through hell and back, would still be so keen on going back for more of the same...
I just don't really get it.

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There isn’t one single reason you need him wasting any more of your time!

hes a guy that only knows how to cheat! Why would you choose that?

eeeewwwwwww

stop thinking he’s had an aha moment! He’s still the same manipulative jerk he’s always been!

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If it were me I would choose someone without the baggage. I'm also not confident he's able to change (at least not without significant IC). Taking him back would be a mistake IMO. IF you do you you can't say you didn't know what you're getting yourself into.

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PhoenixRising8

Woah folks, hold on to your horses!  Did I say I was back in a relationship with him?  Jeez, we've seen each other a few times for coffee and 1 dinner. That's it. Friend zone only. And I've actually counselled him that he needs to stop what he's doing to BS and go to MC but he's left her so I guess that ship has sailed. 

And yes, for the record, he is hotter than most men his age. 

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Best for you to focus only on yourself.

he has a habit of dumping his crap in your lap and expecting you to counsel him, like a baby.

you may not be taking him back - but your still dealing with his garbage, literally.

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9 minutes ago, LilKatKat said:

Did I say I was back in a relationship with him?  

No, but we can all see where this is headed...

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7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

No, but we can all see where this is headed...

For sure, why else would he be putting time and energy into seeing you?

he’s a calculated cheater. He always knows how to get you back into position.

he always seems to have backup plans too, don’t think he’s not working over another gal to assume a role that suits his needs. Most likely a few gals.

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So he's breaking up with the OTHER OW, just like he dumped you all of those times?  Do you think he's going to stay away from any one of you for good?  Answer - no.  Each one of you poor women serve some sort of purpose for him as long as you let him.  

I find that you are very dishonest with yourself about your true intentions for things you do.  

Live better than this.

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And I was under the impression by your other posts the past few months that you cut him off for good knowing he wasn’t any good for you/your future.

and to find out you’ve been back in contact for several months. Go figure.

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34 minutes ago, LilKatKat said:

And yes, for the record, he is hotter than most men his age. 

He's a "catch",
No-one better has shown up and he will soon be "free".
Too good a chance to miss...

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2 hours ago, LilKatKat said:

Woah folks, hold on to your horses!  Did I say I was back in a relationship with him?

Apologies for jumping to conclusions LKK.

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PhoenixRising8
1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

He's a "catch",
No-one better has shown up and he will soon be "free".
Too good a chance to miss...

I didn't say he was a catch. Someone upthread asked if he was hot. The answer is yeah, he's better than average and far above most men his age. For the record, I have been seeing someone 8 years younger last month or so. So please folks, let's not jump to conclusions. He did me a solid 2 years ago and I'm returning the favour. That's who I am and who I've always been. I don't hate him. And I actually know him in real life. He has many good qualities. Perhaps my nature is to look for the good in people. It seems he has been a miserable and conflicted person who has made bad choices and learned from them. 

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PhoenixRising8
1 hour ago, S2B said:

And I was under the impression by your other posts the past few months that you cut him off for good knowing he wasn’t any good for you/your future.

and to find out you’ve been back in contact for several months. Go figure.

We were completely NC.  I had no expectations he would ever contact me again.  Since he has we have had conversations and it is visible how much he is lost. How different he is. He acknowledges his mistakes and has realized his conflict avoidance is his fatal flaw. I showed him it was possible to be honest even when the truth is not easy to tell, like when I told him the truth about the package.  It took him a couple of months but he has confessed finally. Everyone here, or a lot of people in any case, urge disclosure. He's just done that. I give him credit because that wasn't easy, especially to his kids. People are capable of changed and redemption. He may be on a better road, or not, time will tell. 

I posted the updated because we see a lot of beating up of the MM. yes they have their flaws but I was hoping to give another perspective. Sometimes they really are lost and broken. They do have feelings too. 

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Lilkat,

You know exactly what you are doing! Keep it going! You have your head clear and he doesnt! 

You have your power back! Dont cave to him sexually anytime soon. He needs a ton of IC sessions.

Enjoy sunny San Juan!!! :)

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