sandylee1 Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 21 hours ago, LilKatKat said: Woah folks, hold on to your horses! Did I say I was back in a relationship with him? Jeez, we've seen each other a few times for coffee and 1 dinner. That's it. Friend zone only. And I've actually counselled him that he needs to stop what he's doing to BS and go to MC but he's left her so I guess that ship has sailed. And yes, for the record, he is hotter than most men his age. As the OW are you really in a position to counsel him on what he did to his BS? You were an accomplice and while you thought he would come to you, you were fine with it. You were okay with him leaving her on her birthday and telling lies that he was elsewhere. I'd be surprised if you don't get back into a relationship with him. I'm not particularly convinced you had to rely on him for support after the break up either. You being his friend as an Ex OW doesn't work...it's an emotional affair ..but some people think if there's no sex, it's not an affair. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 20 hours ago, elaine567 said: He's a "catch", No-one better has shown up and he will soon be "free". Too good a chance to miss... Yep. Can't let him getaway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 Geez Louise... after all the lying and manipulations, I can not believe you can believe one word out of this man's mouth. He went back on AM. Found himself yet ANOTHER OW. He broke it off to work on his marriage... which was a big FAT lie. He broke it off because you were demanding more. He has shown you time and time again who he is. BELIEVE HIM! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 I’m sorry Kat, but all that this thread has done is to further shine a light on the type of guy this really is. It is exactly MM like him who cause the most ire. He’s not conflicted or guilt ridden at his choices...he’s just caught He wasn’t “doing you a solid” a couple years ago, he was wanting to insert himself in a relationship he had no business being in. Now we see he’s helped break up not just your marriage (albeit, you were ready to walk) but another woman’s marriage as well. And clearly from your message he shows next to no remorse in doing so. He is struggling, but only because of the misery he’s put upon himself, not for what he has done to you, this OOW and most importantly, his W. He continues to manipulate as he has done from the start. It is also very clear from your message that he shows no respect for your current relationship as he continues to cross boundaries telling you “you’re the one he wants” etc etc. Have you told him about your new relationship and that you wish him to let you pursue that in peace? Or have you told this new flame about your ties to this man? Maybe he wouldn’t be so comfortable with the ongoing relationship you have. I hope you give the possibilities of this new relationship the opportunity it deserves. I respect that you like doing things in your way, but you’re really playing with fire. This board clearly cares about you and it is just all very sad to see you’re sucked back into this crap. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 I can’t help but think of your best interest LKK... when do you start prioritizing your best interest? when does it stop being about how MM feels or what he’s doing/not doing? where is that line that takes care of yourself? I hope you will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 On 1/17/2020 at 8:20 PM, LilKatKat said: I didn't say he was a catch. Someone upthread asked if he was hot. The answer is yeah, he's better than average and far above most men his age. For the record, I have been seeing someone 8 years younger last month or so. So please folks, let's not jump to conclusions. He did me a solid 2 years ago and I'm returning the favour. That's who I am and who I've always been. I don't hate him. And I actually know him in real life. He has many good qualities. Perhaps my nature is to look for the good in people. It seems he has been a miserable and conflicted person who has made bad choices and learned from them. I would totally be enjoying my fling with the 8 years younger guy. MM did you a solid, and he also put you through hell. You didn't scourge him for it. Isn't that repayment enough? LKK, you have soooo many good qualities. I truly know/have lived your story. I hope you will do yourself a solid by staying off this emotional rollar coaster ride, and enjoying your life to the FULLEST!!! A carribean cruise, fling with young guy...a good start to 2020! Here's to hoping 99.99% of your energy goes this direction rather than finding ways to do MM a solid. Cheers and love to you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 Just know this: women who know their worth and have that elusive, sexy self-confidence would never assume their place in a harem of women that a man thinks he's entitled to. And ironically that's the one he's going to want the most - you and the others, too. Isn't that what his ACTIONS have proven to you since you've known him? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 Kat, I am truly saddened to read this update. After you left him, this married man went back on AM and found himself yet another OW... And now he is back, and you are still making excuses for him. When will it end... 7 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 In your dodging a nuclear bomb update, you talked about how much clearer you were after 16 weeks of NC. You said that ending it was the right thing and you seemed clear on his faults. I wonder if, by keeping the door open with him, you have allowed yourself the possibility of addressing your wound with the bandaid of "but see, he came back and he wants me again." I'm sure that if your new girlfriends knew that you were making various excuses to keep seeing someone you know is bad for you, that they would vehemently object. A picture isn't more important than your well being and your moving forward. Informing BW, but then feeling the need to warn xMM . . . have you considered that you are getting something out of being engaged in this drama triangle? I believe that you did make progress during the time apart from xMM, and you can build on that, but it will require being fully honest with yourself, calling BS on the excuses for contact, and relying on yourself and yourself alone to be the reason that you are worthy. Because you are. But the chances that xMM will ever deserve you are slim to none, and slim is gravely ill. His interest in you is not a compliment because he cannot and will not offer you the healthy relationship you deserve. And we could all go to a bar tonight and find some loser to have an unhealthy relationship with us. We often advise to look at actions, not words. XMM claims that he will move mountains to be who you deserve (despite the odd fact that he apparently ended his marriage for a different OW). Those are just words. You say that you are healing differently and only contacting him because of various special circumstances, but if your words don't match your actions (meaning, if they don't SHOW healing) then they are just words. If you're not in IC, please make that (make YOU) a priority. And if you are, have you spoken about all of this? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 9 hours ago, Allupinnit said: Just know this: women who know their worth and have that elusive, sexy self-confidence would never assume their place in a harem of women that a man thinks he's entitled to. And ironically that's the one he's going to want the most Oh I don't know. All other things being equal, if I had a (consenting) choice between 1 woman and 5, I suspect I would take the 5. Now if I was in love (e.g. limerence) with that one woman, yeah, I'd still want her instead no doubt. But in "normal" mode I don't think so. Of course attempting a LTR with 5 would probably cause it's own problems so there's that to consider. Decisions, decisions... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 When you are in an affair. And have all those affair feelings. They never truly 100% go away. It can take one minute to undo work you’ve done for years. One conversation, one laugh, one personal Inside joke. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 It also seems like every single time you get slightly interested in another guy who’s available - the MM shows up like a predictable predator! seriously, when are you going to stop looking backwards every time he says (lies) “I’m going to be a free man?” he’s always going to be trolling several women - forever! One will never be enough for this douchebag! and he is never going to change who he is deep down. he lies, it doesn’t matter what he tells you every time he’s in touch... he’s a known user and liar. take what you KNOW about him and know you deserve SO much better than anything he can offer you. he is wasting your time! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 On 1/20/2020 at 2:43 PM, mark clemson said: Oh I don't know. All other things being equal, if I had a (consenting) choice between 1 woman and 5, I suspect I would take the 5. Now if I was in love (e.g. limerence) with that one woman, yeah, I'd still want her instead no doubt. But in "normal" mode I don't think so. Of course attempting a LTR with 5 would probably cause it's own problems so there's that to consider. Decisions, decisions... Is that ever likely to happen for you Clem???? I hope you let us know if it does. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 Not likely, I admit. And that's ok... 🙂 🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 op, am I right that you met with him and walked away, no further contact? ( sorry if I have it mixed up). If I am right in my assumption, how did it make you feel? Was it empowering to see for yourself that you could walk away? if that's what happened, I'm going to go against the flow and say it may be you did the right thing. Seeing and proving to yourself that you have the strength to leave him in the rear view mirror can be really important. If I misunderstood your post, I am sorry you met with him. I don't think you can trust him. You are no longer the person you were when you first fell for him, and you should be able to trust yourself though- make sure you protect yourself from his possible attempt to reel you back in, Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted January 27, 2020 Author Share Posted January 27, 2020 On 1/17/2020 at 6:40 PM, S2B said: And I was under the impression by your other posts the past few months that you cut him off for good knowing he wasn’t any good for you/your future. and to find out you’ve been back in contact for several months. Go figure. I told him I was never going to be the other woman again. We would not just pick up where we left off. Keeping in touch is one thing, resurrecting an affair quite another and out of the question. On 1/19/2020 at 1:27 PM, Allupinnit said: Just know this: women who know their worth and have that elusive, sexy self-confidence would never assume their place in a harem of women that a man thinks he's entitled to. And ironically that's the one he's going to want the most - you and the others, too. Isn't that what his ACTIONS have proven to you since you've known him? You are quite correct. I am not and will not be part of the harem. So here is what he has done. He has sent me his signed lease agreement, his current airbnb reservation. He has forwarded the OOW's emails showing they broke up, has sent me his "share location" from his phone and his passcode. Apparently he has deleted pictures, texts, contact info and blocked her but not before I had her full name, phone number and email in the interest of transparency with me. He has said he wants to go to counselling with me to show me he is truly willing to work on us and that I am the one he loves and does not want to spend his life without. He has been very emotional in his apologies and seeking forgiveness. He even has said that he will accept it if I want to continue seeing this new guy until I'm comfortable that he means it. I asked him if he realizes that providing me with location share and phone passcode boxes him in because if he ever revokes it the reason will be obvious- he has something to hide. He acknowledges that it places him in a position where he has no wiggle room but he's ok with that. He (according to him) has been an honest person his entire life and the dishonesty has been eating away at him. He has become someone he can't recognize or live with which is why he confessed to BS and broke up with OOW, because while he cared about her, I am the one he loves. He is also starting IC. He admits he has been conflict avoidant his entire life and realizes that avoidance may make things "easier" in the now but so much more difficult in the long term and that dealing with issues is a whole lot easier than not, in the long haul. Perhaps he has had an epiphany, perhaps it's just tales. Time will tell. I do know that what he has expressed is exactly how I felt 2 years ago and I have changed. Where there is life, there is hope. That said, I am no longer prone to blind faith and I am showing him that I am holding firm. He may never prove himself or by some miracle, he may. In the end, not gonna lie, I feel like I have more power than I've ever had. It isn't his terms like before. We interact on my terms and that's exactly how it will stay. I won't dance the pick me dance. I'm not even asking to be picked. I don't need to be picked and he knows it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 Good grief, you aren’t his mother. If a man has to forward emails, share locations, and passcodes, he’s not worth your time. How many chances?? He’s a loser. No upstanding man has to go to such lengths to prove his worth. Who wants to be a mans keeper??? That’s not a place I see any woman fighting for. Set him free for someone who needs a child to take care of. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 He’s doing all this to distract you because now... you have this golden opportunity to date an available man who isn’t a liar and a known cheater. are you still interested in the new guy or has he distracted you enough yet with his ongoing promises? he acts like you’re his Mother! Gross. i hope you don’t keep wasting your time. He is the same broken guy you met several years ago. aak his wife if he confessed! I bet he didn’t! I bet she found out and threw him out - causing him to end it with the OOW. he will always Be the dirt bag that needs MORE than one woman. don’t fall for his crap LLK. keep dating the newer guy. i wish you would block ALL ways he can contact you. It’s the only way to focus on a new relationship! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 So this is what you want to base a relationship on? You want a relationship that you have to keep tabs on his every move? Let me tell you from experience, it is absolute CRAZY making. The kind I have yet to recover from. Let me also state, I had all the possible ways to confirm what he said and did. Yet he was STILL able to get around them... He has said this same song and dance many times. I still cannot believe you fall for it. This man got another OW for haven's sake. He legit broke it off with you saying he was going to focus on his marriage and then immediately went and got himself a new OW. And you are actually considering this man as a great man, someone worthy of putting your heart in his hands... AGAIN... after he crushed it how many times? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 On 1/17/2020 at 3:39 PM, LilKatKat said: He has been there for me again since October in supporting me through the trials and tribulations with Satan. Is there no one else you can get to give you support other than him? Do you have friends? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) Pathetic. This man is a horrible person, not your savior who "did you a solid." You are still under his spell. FYI, meeting him for coffee & dinner & listening to his protestations of love defines a relationship with him. You don't have to be having sex to be in a relationship. And man, he is one clever guy! This lying, slick azzhole even has you thinking that YOU are empowered here! Ha! You know that the best thing to do is cut off all contact with him. Why are you incapable of doing this? Why are you maintaining contact? Going to dinner with someone who put you through hell and is a turd of a human being? The title of this thread is bewildering. You're not sure what to make of this man? He is a lying, cheating, opportunistic, self-centered jerk. Why are you not clear on that? Edited January 27, 2020 by Crazelnut 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: The title of this thread is bewildering. You're not sure what to make of this man? He is a lying, cheating, opportunistic, self-centered jerk. Why are you not clear on that? Because whether it’s naive or not, some people actually believe that others are capable of change. That a person isn’t defined by one mistake they make in their lives? That, if they themselves, are capable of change, others can too? That they knew the person before things went to hell? And that they understand they screwed up, they are going through hard times too and need some support, even just as a friend? That there is still goodness there, for the same reasons some BS take back their cheating (but remorseful) spouse? Do I think the OP’s MM is a selfish opportunistic jerk based on the way he treated her? Totally. He sounds like the biggest prick there is. Do I think the above doesn’t apply to him? No. I would just advise the OP to proceed with caution, that’s all. Edited January 27, 2020 by spiritedaway2003 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) Girl you guys met on Ashley Madison so this is the type of relationship you set out to get. Well you got it. Edited January 27, 2020 by Allupinnit 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 Quote He has sent me his signed lease agreement, his current airbnb reservation. He has forwarded the OOW's emails showing they broke up, has sent me his "share location" from his phone and his passcode. Please don't let yourself get sucked back in. Don't be his soft place to land. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 5 minutes ago, BTDT2012 said: Please don't let yourself get sucked back in. Too late... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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