Not Sure What to Make of xMM

[PhoenixRising8]

THE FINAL CHAPTER

I thought it was time to post an update after all this time.  It has now been over 3 weeks since I walked out on him and 3 days since I saw him last to pick up the last of my belongings.  We are completely done and I am not looking back, ever again.  I have little doubt he will never dare to contact me again however, he does have brass ones and is entirely shameless so it isn't beyond the realm of possibility.

He picked me up at the airport on January 25 after my cruise.  I left him in the dust March 7 and didn't look back.  I think Bailey said upthread that he could keep it up for a few weeks or a few months but ultimately he would go back to lying and sneaking around.  Bailey, before you have a chance to say "I told you so" I will say that you are right.  Liars lie and cheaters cheat.  He was not like me, he was merely mirroring me.  Manipulating to make me believe he was like me, struggling to end a long marriage, getting caught up in an affair out of desperation to feel something other than despair and pain, sorry he didn't reach out to me instead of getting into another affair, afraid I'd never want him back after all of his waffling blah, blah, blah ... 

So here's the nutshell version.  We were seeing each other very regularly for 6 weeks.  It was mostly good although he did get a bit moody at times and would withdraw.  I chalked it up to all the changes that happened in his life and the stress of the son about to undergo major surgery.  Mostly I understood and tried to support him in any way I could. 2 weeks before we ended, Cat contacted him because apparently BS contacted her to get my phone number for emergency purposes as MM wouldn't give it to her and often wouldn't answer her calls or texts.  That started conversations about Cat which I found increasingly annoying.  He was feeling guilty about how he had treated her.  The last counselling session he went to before I walked out, apparently the counselor said maybe he should reach out with a sincere apology.  I told him his counselor had no idea what she was talking about and that if a relationship with me was what he wanted to pursue then contacting Cat was not in his best interest.  on the Thursday night before I left him, we were on his Facebook and I saw that he had unblocked her profile and looked her up.  He gave some mostly plausible explanation. His Facebook primary email was changed.  On Friday, he received a notification on the email I had access to that the Facebook email had been changed back to his work email.  He didn't know I knew.  Saturday morning he was scrolling through his work email on his phone and I happened to catch a glimpse of her name.  When he left the room, I went through his phone and saw she had messaged him on Facebook.  I made him open up Facebook messenger and he was asking her if she could get past what he had done and consider being friends.  He was so sorry.  Visions of his message to me in October.  That was it.  I took all my belongings but for a few I couldn't and that was it.  He is apparently now pursuing a relationship with her since I left.

On Saturday when I saw him to pick up my belongings from him we had a conversation.  Suddenly, I had visions of xH.  He was telling me for the umpteenth time he had learned his lesson, acknowledged all the mistakes he made, hated who he had become, will never repeat his mistakes.  And the piece de resistance?  He may have done some terrible things but he did bring me back to life.  He still loved me and missed me.  All through tears.  xH did the same.  Always remorse and regrets through tears.  Always saying he had learned.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Suddenly it was all clear.  I traded in one narcissist for another, albeit a nicer version.

In the last 3 weeks I've had 6-7 hours of conversation with BS and I have had the opportunity to apologize to her. She threw him out when she found out about Cat and made him tell the kids.  She now has his email to me with the separation agreement.  She knows about everything from 2018, including how he ditched her on her birthday for me and the fact he shared her heartfelt birthday letter to him.  She never did receive my package in October and we concluded he intercepted it so I sent her the PDF version.  She had asked him why he had withdrawn so much money from the bank in 2018 ... she now knows.  She knows about the cruises.  As for Cat, she has our texts from October 2019 to present.  She is appalled by some of the things he said to me.  She can't get over how identical our messaging was.  Neither one of us knew about the other until January.  Looks like she isn't too anxious to take him back although BS still seems to want to fight for her marriage, heaven only knows why.  If I sound like a vengeful cow, so be it.  I call it ensuring he is held to account and forced to be honest with those innocent people he is hurting via me telling them.  He is now trying desperately to talk to Cat because he knows she has our texts.  He is sitting alone in a sparse 10X10 room trying to hold on to Cat.  Looks good on him.  Maybe he will finally reap what he has sown.  As for me, I am good.  I regret nothing.  I will never again have an affair.  I will never again fall for the charming pretty package that is rotten to the core. 

 

BTW - BS is lovely and gracious.  Not at all what I was led to believe.  She is not the negative person he portrayed her to be.  In light of everything, she is actually quite positive.  And our conversations were very civil.  She accepted my apologies.  I feel I have made some restitution by giving her the truth although I can never fully atone for what I have done. When we compared notes, we had the same impressions.  Doesn"t handle stress well.  Retreats from disagreements and gets moody.  Wants fun and games but can't handle real life. To all BS everywhere, you deserve better.  To all OW, don't believe him.

Edited April 1, 2020 by LilKatKat

[simpycurious]

Not sure why anyone would want to be a second or third option for somoene.  Obviously, not highly competitive people.  That is a a crazy story 

[Starswillshine]

I am sorry Kat to read this. But it sounds like you have gotten it all out of your system and may be able to see him for who he really is. What a d-bag. 

[notmyfinestmoment]

LilKatKat,

Thank you for your update....I know that couldn't have been easy to come back here and tell us what happened (especially knowing you may get a few "I told you's").  We were all hoping the best for your situation.  I am so sorry it ended that way.  

Honestly, I think most of us who have been OW really want to believe that something has changed, and when they come back after some time has gone by with proclamations that they have figured it all out, we so want to believe it (even if the history tells us otherwise).  I remember a post a while back that said the OW's optimism is what is also our greatest downfall.  I find that to be so true!

I know you said you are doing ok, but if by chance you start the grieving process over again (after the anger wears off), we are here for you.  I can't wait to see an update a year from now that says how happy you are with someone else!  Hugs!

[BaileyB]

Hi Kat, just wanted to say that I am very sorry things didn't work out the way you had hoped they would. Although I think with some time and distance, you will be even more grateful for the fact that you truly dodged a bullet here. Wishing you a healthy and happy future. 

Edited April 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

It does sound like he doesn't know how to be anything other than what he apparently is. C'est la vie, LKK.

COVID will give you some good downtime to get your head on a bit straighter. Then you can start looking for someone new, IF you wish to.

After all those years with your xH, your "type" may be narcissist, so suggest you proceed cautiously...

[Abetterme]

Hi Kat - I am sorry this all happened. I like others here had hoped you’d be spared more hurt. The blessing here seems to be that he put the final nails in his own coffin. I know that now that you are truly free of it, you will be opening yourself up to some wonderful things. Given the times, it is especially important that we surround ourselves with good people who bring out the best in us and bring peace to our lives. Wishing you all the best!