AriesMan83 Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 2 minutes ago, SummerDreams said: Why have I chosen to marry such a person in the first place? And why would I want to keep him and become his "mom" who will control him after I find out these bad traits that he has? In my eyes there is no such thing as real reconciliation. If your spouse cheats, either you divorce them with no further questions and explanations or, if you want to keep your family together / your lifestyle etc, you just accept it and go on. I'm not gonna spend my life searching my spouse's phone or mails to see whether he is cheating. If he really wants to cheat, he will do it without the need of phones or mails. This kind of stress just makes your life shorter. SummerDreams, Marriages don't just end because of infidelity.Marriages end for other reasons too. Human beings are not mind readers.It is not always possible to know as to whether a person is selfish or not.And not every person is selfish or wants to have an affair from the start of a relationship/marriage. With time,consistent actions and remorse the trust does come back if a couple decide to reconcile after infidelity.With time betrayed spouses get back their trust in their remorseful wayward spouses.Betrayed spouses do accept that infidelity has haopened but the best possible action if staying together is to prevent from happening it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 14 hours ago, SadNlonely18 said: I am planning on leaving as soon as I can money is a little tight at the moment Don't let a lack of funds keep you from getting good legal advice. Many attorneys in the field offer a free initial consultation, you'd have a much better idea of where you stand. Knowledge is power... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, mark clemson said: Be aware that in a few states adultery, if proven or admitted to, can have a significant impact on divorce settlements. It's also sometimes possible to sue an affair partner under "alienation of affection" laws. Just a few states have this and it may or may not be worth pursuing, e.g. financially. Not recommending you do this or anything, but it's one more thing to ask that lawyer about. BTW, IF this is the case in your state, then it would works both ways. In other words, presumably the OM betrayed wife could, in theory, sue your wife as well. A big problem IF you are still married to her and that happens. Something to consider if you plan on telling the OM's wife. This whole thing probably doesn't apply to you anyhow, but IF it does and if you intend to tell the OM's wife, then "timing may be everything" as they say. BTW, this isn't advice to divorce or anything - just stuff for you to take into consideration when speaking to an attoney. The courts had to go make things even more complicated... Edited January 17, 2020 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
UCanCallMeCrazy Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 Sorry that you are going through this. I’m sure it really sucks, and your wife probably feels that she is in a position of power. A few thoughts: the 21 yo child could easily look after the younger kids on occasion, if a baby sitter was hard to find. (Maybe?) I would assume that the cheating has been going on for a while. Probably started when she began acting differently toward you. Being out to 3 am sounds like a bit more than working. Go through your past to see if you can piece things together. Look through cell phone bills, etc. Go see a lawyer to have an initial consult, etc. You will know better where you stand and how a divorce will play out. The financial implications need to be understood. Courts don’t care or deal with the emotional part, just the legal parts. Things for you to decide are: Would you want to try to save the marriage? Are you a zero tolerance type of person, or have the ability to forgive something of this magnitude. Should you separate now, or stay try to work things out? Keep in mind that your wife has the best of both worlds right now. Is she remorseful or enjoying her position of power? Don’t be afraid to take care of yourself and start showing interest in other people. Find your own power. Would your wife care if you started seeing someone else? What is acceptable for her to do is also acceptable for you to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 It won't get cheaper to divorce unless you wait until the kids graduate. Don't do that. It is rarely worth it - and gives a bad example that will affect your kids their entire life. BTDT. Your wife is a cheater. Divorce her over it. The sooner the better - for ALL of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadNlonely18 Posted January 21, 2020 Author Share Posted January 21, 2020 (edited) Well I found out that she cheated with a coworker that is married but he ignored her after he got what he wanted but last friday I told her she couldn't use the car because I had to help out at work for a cpl hours so she had our 21 yr old daughter drop her off but I suspected she was not going to work Cuz she did her hair and makeup and she works in a warehouse loading trucks so it didn't make sense to me. Anyways she again came home really drunk with messy hair I knew what she did and told her I knew she told me it was the friend who is 22yrs old of the first guywho was consoling her and it just happened I didn't believe it at all she planned it all along. When she fell asleep I went through her phone but she had deleted everything except the phone number from her job which she called to call off work. We live with her parents and they knew something was up Cuz they heard her vomiting. In the morning they apologized to me and they want her out of the house and they want me to keep the kids there with them. She is refusing to leave and blames me. I have an appointment with an attorney Tuesday afternoon. I feel devastated and depressed but I know what must be done. Edited January 21, 2020 by SadNlonely18 more info 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 Brother, be strong for the children. She is deliberately doing this to the family. Nothing is on you! Start or continue the 180 now, as it is her parents home she has no say in who can live and sleep there. Confront the OM and let their spouses know of the banging of your WW. She wants out of her marriage and doesn’t care who she hurts to get what she wants. Buffer 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 It's their house and she's refusing to leave? I guess I understand the strong feelings of "my child right or wrong" but at the moment that means her parents are enabling her behavior. They aren't the enemy but they aren't completely on your side. I'm sure the children play a part in that but if they have to choose they most likely will chose her. You are not in a good situation. What about your own family? Unless you can get your own place where you have some authority this is going to be very uncomfortable for a very long time. Link to post Share on other sites
UCanCallMeCrazy Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 (edited) Living in your wife’s parents house ? Makes it very awkward. Although they feel for you, it is you that will probably have to leave. Being of adult age and Living with parents Is awkward to begin with. Money issues? Has your family been living there for a while? Do you think it contributed to your wife’s feeling about your marriage ? Edited January 21, 2020 by UCanCallMeCrazy Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadNlonely18 Posted January 21, 2020 Author Share Posted January 21, 2020 (edited) The only reason we are staying with them is her mother has a stroke and her stepfather couldn't take care of her so they asked us to move in with them. We had a decent living in Las Vegas where we lived but moved back to California to help out however the transition didn't go as smooth as we planned my job transfer fell through due to issues with the DMV. I think she just loved the attention younger guys gave her. She was a very beautiful women and she gained some weight after our third child but she shed some lbs when she started the job I always tried to give her compliments but she always brushed them off. And her stepfather is the one that wants her gone due to a falling out they had. I don't really have any family just an elderly aunt but she lives 60 miles away To far a commute to work. Edited January 21, 2020 by SadNlonely18 Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 Man, this is tough, she's obviously lost all respect for you and the family. The only recourse you have is to try and remove you and your kids from the situation, she needs to realize some real, concrete consequences for her actions. I would suggest you file for separation, at least get the ball rolling, you can always pull back, but it's obvious she needs some consequence, or at this point, she has no reason to alter/stop her behavior. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dimjo9 Posted January 24, 2020 Share Posted January 24, 2020 Hi Sadnlonely18.. hope you are taking 1day at a time. The longevity of marriage doesn’t guarantee honesty & faithfulness. ( for both spouses ) Cheaters are equivalent to liars @ thieves for they deceived all the time. Our heads are higher than our heart; learn to control your emotions like Lawyers do in a courtroom.. this can be practice @ will require Logic-Science of Correct Thinking.. We only live once.. Wife, Girlfriend, or Partner are replaceable if you will think in all angles @ open your eyes to see reality.. ” i will rather try it with a new person than staying with the bad one “.. Cheating is an art which can be mastered & perfected.. its get better as we get older or seasoned by time. All the best in your new life & the good future for you to see !! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadNlonely18 Posted January 25, 2020 Author Share Posted January 25, 2020 Thank you all for your input it has helped me tremendously. I spoke with a lawyer and he gave me some great advice. I really want to try the 180 but it's a little difficult when we are still under the same roof. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UCanCallMeCrazy Posted January 25, 2020 Share Posted January 25, 2020 Yes, the 180 would be good for you. You will need a new roof to be under. So, get an apartment, let the wife provide the assistance and care for her parents. Start meeting some women (maybe no touchy at this point). Be strong & confident. Take good care of yourself, be fit, well dressed and well groomed. Where should the kids be? With you or their mother? Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 On 1/25/2020 at 5:02 AM, UCanCallMeCrazy said: Yes, the 180 would be good for you. You will need a new roof to be under. So, get an apartment, let the wife provide the assistance and care for her parents. Start meeting some women (maybe no touchy at this point). Be strong & confident. Take good care of yourself, be fit, well dressed and well groomed. YES, to the 180. You can do that under the same roof. Ideally, of course, she needs to move out as her parents requested. Big fat NO to meeting women! That's terrible advice, and would be a pretty terrible thing to do to unsuspecting women he would date. This guy's emotions are raw. He's an emotional trainwreck, and should NOT be dating. Plus, the separation and divorce are going to be messy. Just ... NO. He needs to focus on his kids and his own emotional health. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 On 1/17/2020 at 1:55 PM, SummerDreams said: In my eyes there is no such thing as real reconciliation. If your spouse cheats, either you divorce them with no further questions and explanations or, if you want to keep your family together / your lifestyle etc, you just accept it and go on. I'm not gonna spend my life searching my spouse's phone or mails to see whether he is cheating. If he really wants to cheat, he will do it without the need of phones or mails. This kind of stress just makes your life shorter. This is why I left. I could not work through that another day of my life. I could never trust him, but had zero desire to work on any of it. I didn't want counseling. I didnt want to have passwords. I didnt want to play the role of a BS. I wanted him not to cheat in the first place. Since he did, I was no longer capable of being there. I had no desire to spend the rest of my life wondering, waiting and stressing over what he was doing. I became indifferent and moved forward with my life. There was no way to reconcile in my mind and even if he was sorry and did all the work, I'd have hated him, resented him and made his life a living hell for what he had done. I had no ability to forgive. He didnt tell me. I found out on my own because of his OW. I'm not sure it would have made any difference if he told me, but some around here think it matters. At the end of the day, I didnt want to reconcile because I didnt want to do these mental gymnastics so many sign up for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dimjo9 Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 27 minutes ago, Daisydooks said: This is why I left. I could not work through that another day of my life. I could never trust him, but had zero desire to work on any of it. I didn't want counseling. I didnt want to have passwords. I didnt want to play the role of a BS. I wanted him not to cheat in the first place. Since he did, I was no longer capable of being there. I had no desire to spend the rest of my life wondering, waiting and stressing over what he was doing. I became indifferent and moved forward with my life. There was no way to reconcile in my mind and even if he was sorry and did all the work, I'd have hated him, resented him and made his life a living hell for what he had done. I had no ability to forgive. He didnt tell me. I found out on my own because of his OW. I'm not sure it would have made any difference if he told me, but some around here think it matters. At the end of the day, I didnt want to reconcile because I didnt want to do these mental gymnastics so many sign up for. Hi Daisydooks, I always say a H is like a Lion protecting the Lioness & Cubs.. Cheaters are equals of liars & thieves, they will go into hibernation when caught.. After the cooling period they start to look for their next prey.. The thrill, excitement & adrenalin will make them go back.. They become better because cheating is an art too.. Skills can be develop & harness to perfection.. You did a wise move by getting out.. start a new life with someone you don’t know. Take your chances & work it out. Better yourself physically - gym & if have time go back to school or something educational. The OPPRESSOR- H & OW will have a life full of pain & suffering; the OPPRESSED-YOU will have a very good life full of happiness & peace !! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadNlonely18 Posted January 27, 2020 Author Share Posted January 27, 2020 I too wouldn't want to reconcile with her. I feel so betrayed that I could never forgive or trust her again. I can't stand to even look at her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 I'm so very sorry for what you're going through :(. One day at a time.....hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 You should inform the other mans wife. If you were her you’d want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadNlonely18 Posted January 27, 2020 Author Share Posted January 27, 2020 He is not married he's just a 24 yr old kid. She has been acting very out of character doesn't seem to care about anything. Our 9 and 10yr old cried all night last night Cuz I left to a hotel she told them we were gettinga divorce. I could not believe she told them and she got upset with them Cuz they wanted to stay with me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 I think you should go back home and control your wife and your family. She seems unstable and all this has an impact to the kids who are old enough to understand what is going on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 This is not a "normal" cheating situation the woman is bipolar and has not been taking her medication regularly. She is a loose cannon and is capable of anything. Mental illness is no joke. Bipolar gets bandied about a lot as if it is nothing, but it is a serious mental illness with sufferers having no insight into what they may be doing. Cheating is fairly common as they often suffer from lack of impulse control. I think Summer Drams is correct the OP needs to go back home and take charge of the situation and make sure his kids are safe and happy. Link to post Share on other sites
UCanCallMeCrazy Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 23 hours ago, Crazelnut said: YES, to the 180. You can do that under the same roof. Ideally, of course, she needs to move out as her parents requested. Big fat NO to meeting women! That's terrible advice, and would be a pretty terrible thing to do to unsuspecting women he would date. This guy's emotions are raw. He's an emotional trainwreck, and should NOT be dating. Plus, the separation and divorce are going to be messy. Just ... NO. He needs to focus on his kids and his own emotional health. I think our SadNLonely friend can handle meeting some women at some point and be up front about his situation. He’s got a couple of months ahead of him figuring out logistics, so I wouldn’t discourage him when the time is right. By being up front about his situation, most women will steer clear, but some that are in a similar situation would probably enjoy a casual date or 2. They’d have lots to talk about. It may go a long way in helping his emotional health. I think job #1 is to get out of the in-laws house - it’s too awkward to stay there. In the end blood is thicker than water. Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 (edited) Well, did she tell them’ Mommy has a new boyfriend’? No she said ‘Daddy wants a D’. Cheaters will always turn it around so to save face. Buffer Edited January 30, 2020 by Buffer Spelling 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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