My SO wants me to cut off contact with my platonic friend

[RF1980]

I have platonic friend I have known for years that recently got out of a relationship with her long term boyfriend.  At that time I thought my SO was completely cool with this friendship but now she has essentially requested that I stop initiating any contact with my friend. I love my SO, she is my life partner, so my relationship with her trumps all others but I am really struggling with not being able to reach out to my friend.

My SO knows my friend, and she was always okay with her, but my SO started acting a bit distant lately and it finally came out that she was uncomfortable with my relationship with her now that she is single.  

My friend texted me late last week, followed it up with a VM, and after I didn't respond she responded to one of my posts on FB with what I could tell was kind of a passive/aggressive message indicating she wondered what was going on with me. I finally got "permission" from my SO to respond to her via text but the conversation had to be pretty short and I kind of had to cut her off.

I know I could probably just shoot my friend a text, or give her a call, without my SO knowing but that doesn't feel right. On the other hand I don't see what the problem is with me talking to my friend on the phone, or via text, a couple of times per week. We rarely get together and every time we have it's been for coffee, lunch or something totally innocuous.

Anyway, it has really sucked this past week because I have actually had quite a few things I wanted to share with my friend regarding a common passion we share. I do understand my SO's concern but I guess the flip side of what's bugging me is that at the end of the day she really doesn't trust that I can control myself if for some reason my friend throws herself at me which  is never going to happen.

 

[d0nnivain]

Talk to your SO.  Ask her what you can do to make her more comfortable with you preserving the friendship.  Whatever you do, do NOT call your friend your "life partner".  That title & place in your life should belong to your SO & if you go around saying stuff like the friend is the most important person in the world to you, I can see why your SO is leery about the friend's newly single status.  

[RF1980]

Sorry, I meant that my SO is my "life partner" . And while my friend is certainly important  to me no one, outside of my son, is more important than my SO.

 

[d0nnivain]

OK.  then talk to your SO.  If you give her transparency, she may become more comfortable with the friendship.  

[preraph]

Has your friend ever had a crush on you or have you ever had a crush on your friend, or did you ever sleep together? I think you would know if she was romantically interested in you or ever had been. 

if that has just never been the case then I think I would stand my ground with your so with the provision that you only see her in person with your so or with her permission and that you open up your texts to her so she can monitor it for a time. 

 

[elaine567]

You have to choose.
Few women or men will put up with close friends of the opposite sex long term.
Single friends like this are a menace to any relationship.
If you want to save your core relationship get rid of the single friend.
Sounds oh so similar to a recent post we spent weeks over..

[RF1980]

Thanks! I guess I'll give it another go it's just that it feels like kind of a "double edged sword." We kind of went back and forth on it and she basically felt the fact that there was something wrong with  the fact that this friendship was important to me.  I do understand why these platonic relationships are different in the eyes of our partners but I just don't understand why it seems okay to place a high value on a friendship with one of my guy friends and not on a female friend who I am just as close with. 

[RF1980]

No crushing on either side and no prior intimate relationship  - just been buddies. And I am sure there are lots of posts like this because I am guessing this comes up quite a bit.

 

[preraph]

I don't think you should have to give up a strictly platonic friend that you've known for a long time. I think you offer her full transparency to monitor your texts. 

[Foxhall]

24 minutes ago, RF1980 said:

I know I could probably just shoot my friend a text, or give her a call, without my SO knowing but that doesn't feel right. On the other hand I don't see what the problem is with me talking to my friend on the phone, or via text, a couple of times per week. We rarely get together and every time we have it's been for coffee, lunch or something totally innocuous.

Ive had this issue also, my first thoughts are in agreement with what you outline there, but I realise I have had to move on this,

My girl has got her way and I have conceded pretty much on this, 

I look at it I want a life partner and if that means I have to lose the friend, well so be it.

 

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, preraph said:

I don't think you should have to give up a strictly platonic friend that you've known for a long time. I think you offer her full transparency to monitor your texts. 

But is is not really about that is it, it is about the leak of emotional intimacy to a third party.
A third party that is now single and who has no allegiance to anyone.
A loose cannon, a person capable of anything, a person capable of "stealing" an attached man, now she has not got one of her own...

[mark clemson]

24 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

My girl has got her way and I have conceded pretty much on this, 

I look at it I want a life partner and if that means I have to lose the friend, well so be it.

Probably a wise move. SO's are kings/queens. Friends are pawns. (Not derogatorily, but just in the scheme of things).

RF1980, you could take a cue from this, I think.

Edited January 18, 2020 by mark clemson

[preraph]

Sounds like they've known each other so long at there wouldn't be any interest on either side.

[fromheart]

That's an extremely possessive and controlling partner you have there.

If a man attempted to restrict a woman from having friendships, that would be seen as abusive.  Works the same the other way around.

You can certainly try talking with her as others have suggested, but unless she applies an incredible amount of self work she'll just get worse with age.

[carhill]

Stereotypically, men have no sexual self-control so women must remain the gatekeepers of a man's libido by controlling their man. Women OTOH are the epitome of maturity regarding sexual behavior so such gatekeeping in their case is superfluous as long as they have a man to control. They can control both themselves and their man. Only God has achieved clearer perfection. However, when a woman is no longer clearly coupled, men everywhere smell her available scent and often cannot control themselves so, again, their women must control them. Hence, the OP's SO is only looking out for his best interests in his time of weakness. 😉

[central]

I don't tolerate jealousy well, especially based in unfounded insecurity. Either works out some acceptable arrangement with your partner, or dump her, IMO. The situation will probably change again when your friend is in another relationship - maybe an option is to just wait it out until then. Even so, I'd be upset that a partner is trying to control me when there is no reason to do so.

[mark clemson]

IMO there's a difference between not permitting a specific friend and not permitting friends at all. One is reacting to a perceived potential threat. The other is overly controlling.

[preraph]

One thing I will give a woman the benefit of doubt about is there are times when she can pick up on interest in her man by another woman when the man seems oblivious to it. But there's no mention in his post if she's been around the woman and seen them interact or read her texts or anything. At face value she is only worried because she's single now. 

 

To trust someone just because they're coupled up is ludicrous because coupled up people often cheat together because they feel it safest. But setting that aside, if she had said she had picked up on something between them I could understand it and maybe give her a little more slack. 

 

There are far more secure people out there. I would not say that I was secure, most of the guys I dated certainly seems secure compared to the stories on here. I was always hanging out with different guys no matter who I was seeing, and I only had one comment one time from any of them. I guess it helped that some of them all knew each other, but they didn't all know each other well but would recognize each other from the music clubs. 

 

The one time I remember a guy even making a comment about it was ironically a guy who had just let me know he was married and would go on to get a divorce and certainly we had no agreements on commitment because once I found out he was married I cooled off considerably. But when I went out of town for the holiday, I left my car and apartment with a guy I had been in love with and gotten over, and the married guy wanted to know why. 

 

Other than that guys I dated didn't hardly blink an eye about coming over and finding some other guy there just hanging out. One guy seriously dated knew the story on that same friend I mentioned above, and came over to find him in the shower once because he was in between places and I let him shower there. I don't know maybe he was like me and was jealous and wondering but wasn't going to ask. 

 

I guess I regard seasoned friendships as something you don't throw away because they may be there when the love interest is long gone as long as you don't treat them bad. But I would not for a minute put up with someone who I could tell was manipulating or flirting with my man or acting needy to get them alone and that sort of thing. I'd probably just dump the guy.

Edited January 18, 2020 by preraph

[SincereOnlineGuy]

3 hours ago, RF1980 said:

 

I know I could probably just shoot my friend a text, or give her a call, without my SO knowing but that doesn't feel right. On the other hand I don't see what the problem is

 

The problem  is clearly your not being able to see  the problem.

 

You have two choices.

You can either select your own priorities, or you can have them arranged on your behalf.

 

 

[RF1980]

My SO is my world, and we’ve been together along time, so there’s no chance of me breaking up with her over this.   But my friend has been in my life a long time and is really very different from my SO.

I really have no need to have constant interaction with this friend but it just bugs me that I can’t even call her to say “hey, what’s up?” without feeling like I’m Cool Hand Luke asking to “wipe it off boss”. 

 

[DKT3]

3 hours ago, RF1980 said:

No crushing on either side and no prior intimate relationship  - just been buddies. And I am sure there are lots of posts like this because I am guessing this comes up quite a bit.

 

Yes this topic comes up alot. However,  the responses are very different between females and males. 

No one has said your girlfriend is controlling,  abusive or immature.  No phases like she cant dictate who you're friends with. And so on.

I believe its important for you to try and understand why, she became uncomfortable because she is no longer in a relationship. 

[Ellener]

Your friend is hetero and you are gay OP? Or did I misread something. So why would you have an affair?

Unless friend is seriously encroaching on your time with your partner, or partner has a reason to dislike her eg she undermines your relationship, it sounds unreasonable to tell another adult- even your significant other- who to be friends with.

I would assume something was off with them if one of my friends told me their partner said we couldn't be friends anymore! 

2 hours ago, fromheart said:

If a man attempted to restrict a woman from having friendships, that would be seen as abusive.

Exactly. There's no reason to dislike this friend that you can see, so that same insecurity will occur again. You shouldn't have to do unreasonable things to 'keep the peace' in a marriage and everyone needs other relationships outside their marriage. Jealousy will always happen and should be something the jealous person takes ownership of especially if it's unreasonable, that's my feeling.

3 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

I believe its important for you to try and understand why, she became uncomfortable because she is no longer in a relationship. 

Yes, then it's something you/she can work on.

Good luck.

[RF1980]

Actually we’re both hetero and I agree that I probably need to get to the bottom of the issue.

[DKT3]

12 minutes ago, RF1980 said:

Actually we’re both hetero and I agree that I probably need to get to the bottom of the issue.

Women usually pick up on small details that we men can miss. Body language,  eye contact,  even desire behind another womans eyes. 

And, honestly you really have no idea if the friend has ever been crushing on you. But you better believe your lady has had her eyes on the friend and she saw something that made her uncomfortable.  I dont believe it's just jealousy or she would have pushed you long before now.

[BettyDraper]

17 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Women usually pick up on small details that we men can miss. Body language,  eye contact,  even desire behind another womans eyes. 

And, honestly you really have no idea if the friend has ever been crushing on you. But you better believe your lady has had her eyes on the friend and she saw something that made her uncomfortable.  I dont believe it's just jealousy or she would have pushed you long before now.

I'm wondering if there is more to this story. Why would the OP's partner be so concerned for no good reason? Hmmm...