My SO wants me to cut off contact with my platonic friend

[d0nnivain]

RF1980 

Do talk to your SO about your friendship but give your SO the benefit of the doubt.  She may have seen vibes from the friend that you missed.  Women are better at this.  

Do start with telling your SO that she is Queen Bee but remind her that the friend has been around for a while.  Brainstorm with your SO about men you could possibly fix the friend up with when she's ready to get back out there.  Ask the SO if the 3 of you can do something together & then make sure you are extra flirty with the SO in the friend's presence.   

You can achieve balance & keep them both to some extent, but you have to prioritize the SO & the friend needs to be supportive of that.  Years ago I had a work buddy who I functioned as wing woman for to get up his confidence.  He used to tell me that women weren't interested.  I assured him he was blind, deaf & dumb because when we'd go out I had women throwing eye daggers at me to get to him.  As my BF at the time so crudely put it, this guy was a panty-dropper but he was clueless.  Shortly after my then BF & I opened his eyes & jacked up his confidence he met the woman who is now his wife.  Upon hearing about her I told him she was the woman he'd marry.   By the time I met her about 2 months in, she was primed to hate me as some man stealer.  I had to work to win her confidence & keep his friendship.  They fought about me & I felt bad.  He wanted me as a groomsman but she wanted no part of that.  Eventually she relented but I declined the honor explaining to him that it was a bad way to start off his marriage.  At that point I think she finally started to see me as a ally of her marriage.  He  & I are still friends.  We talk a few times a year, maybe have lunch once or twice but we do it alone without spouses because they both recognize we really are just friends with no romantic designs.  Our spouses have nothing in common with each other.  When the guy & I are together we talk about work a lot & they get bored.  It's just easier to talk to him without worrying that they want to go home.  We do act as sounding boards for minor "issues" like what to get the spouse for Christmas & how to minimize strife during home renovations but they are conversations that we could have in front of the spouse (secrecy surrounding surprise presents notwithstanding).   

Just be open with your SO about this friendship but don't discount her ability to see things you don't.  Prioritize the romance over the friendship & don't ever pick your friend over your SO.  

Edited January 18, 2020 by d0nnivain

[schlumpy]

I've had to think about your situation. I've come down on the side that if your relationship with your friend is as stated, then your GF is being irrational. I think a compromise might work where you allow her to monitor your conversations for her own piece of mind although that can create cracks within your relationship also.

To me, it comes down to if she is irrational about this then what else will she be irrational about? What else will you have to forego to maintain your relationship with her? You might want to think about that before you dump your friend. As was stated before - good friends tend to be there long-term while dating relationships do not. 

[skywriter]

I actually discussed your story with my SO. He pointed out some interesting points. He actually has a very attractive woman that he works with, and they too are long time friends. He's introduced she and I. We've actually all hung out on occasion, with her and her boyfriend.

The difference here, is, I am included, so there is a certain amount of respect that comes with that. I feel included to some extent with their friendship. She's called him, and he actually puts her on speaker, and I'm included in the conversations.

So when my SO is at work with her and they are together, I'm not bothered in the least. My SO also pointed out that if we don't have trust, then were doomed anyway. We have to trust each other and I absolutley do trust him. His excheated on him, and I've had an A in my past of which my SO knows about.

Bottom line is, is how we choose to prioritize our relationships and make one another feel. You and your friend could include your SO in the friendship.

 

[Prudence V]

I’ve been on the other side of this, and I lost a close friend as a result of his SO’s insecurity / jealousy. But hey, if he was prepared to choose her over me, then not that good a friend, I guess. 🤷🏼‍♀️ He still follows me on social media, still asks after me, and still occasionally drops me a WhatsApp (I’m guessing his SO doesn’t know about those - she’s not on any social media, and I wouldn’t know if she’s on WhatsApp or not as I don’t have her listed as a contact) but aside from wishing him on birthdays or returning g greetings on new year etc I don’t respond as it’s just not worth the drama. She’s big on drama, and I’m so not. He’s made his bed and he’s lying in it, I guess. 
 

Some women just can’t handle that they’re not The Only One in their SO’s life. Perhaps if women were brought up to value themselves more as themselves, not just as someone’s partner, they’d be less insecure, IDK. 

[sandylee1]

The thing is, if your friend and you were going to hook up, you could  have done so already. 

Another point is that women just out of relationships can be vulnerable and easier to fall into affairs...but most of all, your SO is insecure. I reckon she has always had concerns and suppressed them,  but now she's single...she's on high alert. 

There's a lack of trust in you...that's what would bother me.

 

I asked my DH to end a so called platonic friendship..but it was with his Ex and some their conversations were about issues in our relationship, so I would say I was justified.

[elaine567]

37 minutes ago, sandylee1 said:

The thing is, if your friend and you were going to hook up, you could  have done so already.

That doesn't tend to work well as affairs are often about "opportunity" and what better opportunity than BFFs. one of which is newly single...
The OP KNOWS he is unlikely to cheat, his wife doesn't KNOW that, that is the problem.
To her...
Newly single emotionally charged woman up close and personal with her man, that is uncomfortable and just asking for trouble...

[Prudence V]

6 hours ago, sandylee1 said:

women just out of relationships can be vulnerable and easier to fall into affairs...

Perhaps if they’ve been dumped unexpectedly, but most newly single women I know are so relieved to have dumped the SO and be shot of them at last that they relish their single status, enjoying the freedom of not being beholden to a man, that the last thing they want for a good while is to take up with another one. 
 

But I guess some women only see their value in who they are with. 

[RF1980]

So I haven't posted on this for a bit but this past weekend things got a bit "weird". 

I saw my friend at a workshop we were both participating in, which my SO knew about.  My SO was clearly trying to keep me from getting to the workshop as long as possible and I finally just came out and said I knew it was because my friend was going to be there.

Anyway, it was great to see my friend and just out of habit I asked her to get coffee on our break, and we were able to catch up. But after the break when I checked my phone my SO had been "blowing me up" with text messages and VMs. When I got her on the phone she was clearly irritated and the thing that was such an "emergency" was not an emergency in any sense. In a nutshell, she was worried I might connect with my friend - which I did.

I ultimately made the decision not to tell my SO about this because I didn't want the argument  but my friend did call me a day later to talk about the workshop and, as of yet, I have not returned her call because of the drama with my SO. This is really starting to become a headache and stress me out a bit. I am going to be seeing my friend at other events we both like to attend so this is going to keep being an issue.

 

Edited January 21, 2020 by RF1980

[usa1ah]

This is so messed up. 
 

your SO has the problem. You have the right to be friends with who ever you want. Your not cheating and she believes you will. 

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, RF1980 said:

In a nutshell, she was worried I might connect with my friend - which I did.

You are playing with fire. Not sure why you thought things got "weird".
Your SO does not want this woman anywhere near you.
What is so "weird" about her going nuts when you end up in a cosy catch up  with your friend.
She already told you she wants you to lose the friend, and you have essentially ignored her.

You need to choose, or the choice will be made for you. 
The days of you and your friend wandering about like a couple with your SO's permission are over.
She is now in full territorial mode. You ignore at your peril.
Your SO won't be your "life partner" for long if you continue down this road.
Is your friend worth breaking up your family for?

I know you think it isn't "fair", but life isn't fair.

[Prudence V]

8 hours ago, RF1980 said:

I ultimately made the decision not to tell my SO about this because I didn't want the argument

Sooner or later, it’s going to come down to a hard choice over which woman you want in your life. Your SO clearly feels insecure and threatened by your friend, however groundless that might be, and your taking the friendship underground will only play into her insecurity. 
 

Some people have suggested upthread drawing your SO into your friendship, so that she’s included and less likely to see it as a threat. Might this work? 
 

 

[BettyDraper]

Why can’t you just include your SO into your friendship? 

[preraph]

You either try to incorporate your friend so your SO can get to know her and see her mostly only when wife is around, or you choose.  I wouldn't choose someone that insecure UNLESS you have given her reason to be in the past.  Your SO might meet her and decide she's harmless.  

Edited January 21, 2020 by preraph

[elaine567]

18 minutes ago, preraph said:

Your SO might meet her and decide she's harmless.  

The SO already knows the friend, there is obviously not enough there for them to form a friendship, and she has already decided the friend is NOT harmless...

[preraph]

If he says he has no interest in sleeping with her to us on here, where he can be honest, then she's the one with the insecurity problem.  He could still see her only when the SO is around whether she likes her or not.  

 

Instead of assuming, let's just ask the original poster:

 

If your friend came on to you, would you sleep with her?

Edited January 21, 2020 by preraph

[IslandSanctuary]

This just seems a repeat of so many other threads. Everyone has different ideas about this subject - just read the replies. Platonic friendships are a 'scale' and can vary in closeness and intensity - would you feel comfortable if your wife had a close male friend she caught up with a couple of times a week? What if they took up running together? Tramping? Text everyday? lol. There is a line where platonic friendship gets too much and it's different for different people. 

If you hang out on the regular, just the two of you then that is basically dating as far as I'm concerned. I have no need or desire for a female friend like that - but I have always been a bit of a loner. 

You ask why can't she be the same as one of your guy friends - because she isn't a guy friend ffs. How many times do I hear this? Sorry the world isn't fair and it isn't a eutopia - men and women are different. I'm sure your wife would have no problem you having a few beers in a spa alone with a guy friend right? Or peeing together? lol 

You need to discuss boundaries with your wife. I'd be concerned too if my wife was spending time with a recently single male friend. It creates the opportunity for all the innocent shoulder to cry on BS to happen, and people in that recently split situation often long for physical affection. 

You can trust your SO and still not want them to put themself in risky or stupid situations. 

I personally don't believe in platonic friends, one or the other almost always ends up wanting to bang the other. I mean look what it's doing for you. To each their own I guess. 

I'm not insecure, I just don't like my wife dating other guys, go figure. Labelling people insulting names for how they choose to live their life is a sign of INSECURITY. 

Edited January 21, 2020 by IslandSanctuary

[K.K.]

I can’t help but wonder if Jerry would’ve given up Elaine (on Seinfeld) if some lady had wanted him to. 

🤔

 

[d0nnivain]

On 1/20/2020 at 10:33 PM, RF1980 said:

Anyway, it was great to see my friend and just out of habit I asked her to get coffee on our break, and we were able to catch up. But after the break when I checked my phone my SO had been "blowing me up" with text messages and VMs. When I got her on the phone she was clearly irritated and the thing that was such an "emergency" was not an emergency in any sense. In a nutshell, she was worried I might connect with my friend - which I did.

I ultimately made the decision not to tell my SO about this because I didn't want the argument  but my friend did call me a day later to talk about the workshop and, as of yet, I have not returned her call because of the drama with my SO. This is really starting to become a headache and stress me out a bit. I am going to be seeing my friend at other events we both like to attend so this is going to keep being an issue.

2 problems

One it was highly immature of your SO to blow up your phone.  Personally I'd dump anybody who routinely did that to me.   I blew up my husband's phone once:  my father was unconscious, rushed to the hospital & I had to make decisions about emergency brain surgery while DH was several states away for work.  To blow up a phone over BS insecurities is just wrong. 

Two -- hiding your coffee with the friend from your SO is just going to make your SO nuttier.  She wont' believe you are hiding the truth just to avoid a fight.  She will convince herself that had coffee is code for had sex.  

[IslandSanctuary]

19 hours ago, K.K. said:

I can’t help but wonder if Jerry would’ve given up Elaine (on Seinfeld) if some lady had wanted him to. 

🤔

 

TV is nothing like real life. Base your real life relationships on what you see on TV and end up a single trainwreck 

[IslandSanctuary]

21 hours ago, preraph said:

If he says he has no interest in sleeping with her to us on here, where he can be honest, then she's the one with the insecurity problem.  He could still see her only when the SO is around whether she likes her or not.  

 

 

Intent for him to sleep with her is not the issue at all. Hanging out 1 on 1 on a regular basis outside work with an opposite sex friend is a slippery slope. Especially a recently single opposite sex friend. 
Part of being in a relationship is agreeing to ditch opposite sex friends that make your spouse uncomfortable - haven't you read 'Not just friends'? 
Bashing the wife isn't fair - we have only heard one side of the story. If my wife hung out regularly one on one with some guy I'd tell her to quit it too. Plenty of fish in the sea, it's definitely a deal breaker for me. 40 years it was totally unacceptable. Too much TV and adult teenagers these days 

[K.K.]

 

7 minutes ago, IslandSanctuary said:

TV is nothing like real life. Base your real life relationships on what you see on TV and end up a single trainwreck 

 

Surely there are friendships that resemble Jerry and Elaine. I have them. My male friends don’t feel the need to cut it off with me because I don’t get into their relationships and make myself a slutty nuisance and he’s not about to go out with someone that would be so close minded as to force them to give my or any other female friendship up. 

If he was momentarily pussy whipped enough to be forced, it would never last between them anyway. 

There has been one case where I did make myself a nuisance and in that case, I was history as I should have been. 

You have to know the difference. 

You know who else ends up single train wrecks? Ballbusting a-holes that don’t let a guy breathe. ... or even have thoughts of his own. 

[carhill]

OP looks to be hetero but I have encountered MW's who are bi-, meaning they enjoy sexual relations with men and women but are married to a man. Perhaps we could apply the same scenario to the OP and then use the same  'can't be friends with one's sexual preference' test. That would make friendships for bi-sexual people who are married or in LTR's quite problematical. One MW provides me with an anecdote of how it goes in a hetero marriage (hetero H and bi-wife) where friendships with women aren't a problem but friendships with men are. The hetero man is territorial about males but accepting of females. Their marriage, they agree on the rules. There is a quid pro quo because the wife is equally reticent about H being friends with hetero women. Both are excluded beyond work/incidental contact. I think that's a pretty good deal for the wife since she has carte blanche to enjoy emotional and even sexual intimacy from people not her husband. It works. Would  a hetero woman be more territorial about a bi-man? IDK. All the rules kinda give me a headache so I fed the cat and reflected on some peace and quiet. I guess Mike Pence has the right idea, don't be alone around any other women other than his wife.  I'm fine these days not being around them at all. Hope the OP finds his path.

[K.K.]

2 minutes ago, carhill said:

All the rules kinda give me a headache so I fed the cat and reflected on some peace and quiet. 

It’s a slippery slope, no doubt. 

Anyway, that quote is the best thing I’ve read all day. 💜 🙂 

[preraph]

I wouldn't put up with anyone blowing up my phone for anything less than a dire emergency.  That's really immature and may go beyond insecure.  It's disrespectful.  

[MJJean]

On 1/17/2020 at 7:20 PM, preraph said:

Sounds like they've known each other so long at there wouldn't be any interest on either side.

Pretty to think so. I have a list of years long male-female friendships I've seen that eventually resulted in ONS or affairs while one or both were in relationships.

I don't do opposite sex friendships in a relationship. My DH initially had an issue with this. I explained to him that he was free to be friends with whoever he wanted, but I was also free to end our relationship based on his decisions.