My SO wants me to cut off contact with my platonic friend

[gaius]

She should have just dumped him instead of blowing up his phone. If this guys relationship with his "friend" was so innocent he wouldn't be having such a hard time stopping seeing her. Guy's don't have that kind of urgency to see women they're not attracted to.

If you want to orbit this woman, at the expense of your current relationship, hoping on some level that someday she might bless you with her vagina, telling everyone you're just friends, good luck. But your girlfriend is wise to you.

 

[d0nnivain]

If anybody tells me I have to make a choice between them or somebody else I always pick the somebody else on principle because I can't stand those kids of ultimatums.  

Again, I get a little bit more why the OP's GF is concerned because he's hiding the friendship.  Opposite sex friendships have to be transparent, supportive of the romance & subordinate to it but they do not have to end.  

[gaius]

I've never gotten the sense that you had an interest in anyone except your husband d0nnivain. But it seems this guy has interest in this woman on some level, his partner has sensed it and is trying to pre-emptively put an end to it. Which is a very reasonable and healthy thing to do.

If you want this woman, now that she's single, make a move on her and get rid of your current partner. If you want her but don't think you can get her then get rid of her and honor your current partner. But make a strong, decisive move. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Your current partner is too smart for that.

[d0nnivain]

Just now, gaius said:

I've never gotten the sense that you had an interest in anyone except your husband d0nnivain. 

I don't want a man other then DH, but I have tons of male friends.   Anybody who ever dated me had to deal with the fact that there have always been guys around.  I have a set from HS; a few from college; a few from grad school & dozens from my work life.  I spend time with them.  I talk to them.  I have lunch, dinner & drinks with them sometimes with DH, mostly without. DH hates hanging out with the work friends because all we talk about is work & politics (many are actual elected politicians)   Several, especially the childhood friends are now DH's buddies too in that they call him & hang out with him.  I am actually better friends with many of the men from DH's Knights of Columbus council & VFW in that they call me to organize double dates with their wives.   A couple of my work friends call DH "the competition" so he started calling them "the also rans."  It's all in good fun.  I love my buddies but I am in love & lust with my husband.  I don't hide the friendships & everybody knows DH comes 1st.  Heck, a few years ago DH "let" me do a profitable business deal with my EX-BF from grad school.  I put let in quotes but if DH had objected I would have walked away from the money.  

One of my childhood buddies was the GC when DH & I remodeled our kitchen.  I remember the last meeting with the kitchen designer; that guy thought we were nuts.  The 3 of us went to the design meeting -- me, DH & my buddy, the GC; I sat in the middle.  The designer & I were talking but the two of them were mostly silent.  The designer asked them what they wanted & simultaneously they said "we want Donnivain to be happy" & they each leaned over & kissed one of my cheeks.  I think the designer thought we were swingers or something kinky.  

It's about being transparent, knowing where the lines are drawn & staying in bounds.  Especially if the friendship pre-dated the romance, there is no reason to ditch a good friend.   

[Ruby Slippers]

54 minutes ago, gaius said:

She should have just dumped him instead of blowing up his phone. If this guys relationship with his "friend" was so innocent he wouldn't be having such a hard time stopping seeing her. Guy's don't have that kind of urgency to see women they're not attracted to.

If you want to orbit this woman, at the expense of your current relationship, hoping on some level that someday she might bless you with her vagina, telling everyone you're just friends, good luck. But your girlfriend is wise to you.

I agree 100%. I don't have male "friendships" alongside a romantic relationship and have never been with a man who thought having female "friends" was acceptable, either. 

That you're so attached to being her "friend" that you're willing to compromise your relationship says it all. 

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Ruby Slippers said:

I don't have male "friendships" alongside a romantic relationship and have never been with a man who thought having female "friends" was acceptable, either. 

I do believe in opposite gender friendships but I have learned over the years that it's best to date people who share my belief.  I could never be involved with somebody who wanted me to ditch my male friends.  

[Ruby Slippers]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

I do believe in opposite gender friendships but I have learned over the years that it's best to date people who share my belief.  I could never be involved with somebody who wanted me to ditch my male friends.  

Yes, good point. This is an important aspect of compatibility to consider. The men I've been involved with have the exact same view of the matter as I do: it's just asking for trouble.

[usa1ah]

On 1/17/2020 at 5:38 PM, RF1980 said:

No crushing on either side and no prior intimate relationship  - just been buddies. And I am sure there are lots of posts like this because I am guessing this comes up quite a bit.

 

Mostly it is ok for females to have this type of relationship. Guys are called controlling, insecure and jealous if they question their girlfriends or wives about it. 
 

On the other hand guys are just not allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. 

[usa1ah]

On 1/17/2020 at 10:21 PM, BettyDraper said:

I'm wondering if there is more to this story. Why would the OP's partner be so concerned for no good reason? Hmmm...

She could just be insecure and jealous. It was ok as long as the friend had a boyfriend. Now that she is single she doesn’t trust OP to be faithful. 

[usa1ah]

On 1/20/2020 at 9:33 PM, RF1980 said:

So I haven't posted on this for a bit but this past weekend things got a bit "weird". 

I saw my friend at a workshop we were both participating in, which my SO knew about.  My SO was clearly trying to keep me from getting to the workshop as long as possible and I finally just came out and said I knew it was because my friend was going to be there.

Anyway, it was great to see my friend and just out of habit I asked her to get coffee on our break, and we were able to catch up. But after the break when I checked my phone my SO had been "blowing me up" with text messages and VMs. When I got her on the phone she was clearly irritated and the thing that was such an "emergency" was not an emergency in any sense. In a nutshell, she was worried I might connect with my friend - which I did.

I ultimately made the decision not to tell my SO about this because I didn't want the argument  but my friend did call me a day later to talk about the workshop and, as of yet, I have not returned her call because of the drama with my SO. This is really starting to become a headache and stress me out a bit. I am going to be seeing my friend at other events we both like to attend so this is going to keep being an issue.

 

If your SO can’t trust you, your relationship is over already. Don’t lose a great friend because your SO doesn’t trust you one bit. 

[usa1ah]

On 1/22/2020 at 2:20 PM, d0nnivain said:

If anybody tells me I have to make a choice between them or somebody else I always pick the somebody else on principle because I can't stand those kids of ultimatums.  

Again, I get a little bit more why the OP's GF is concerned because he's hiding the friendship.  Opposite sex friendships have to be transparent, supportive of the romance & subordinate to it but they do not have to end.  

He didn’t hide anything till his SO went bat chit crazy. 
 

He has to make a choice between having friends and his SO. 

[preraph]

Or he can just tell her no he's not going to give up a good old friend and see if she hates it bad enough to walk.  

[Prudence V]

10 hours ago, usa1ah said:

On the other hand guys are just not allowed to have friends of the opposite sex.

Srsly? Wow! That’s some weird double standard where you live! I couldn’t be doing with that! I have male friends - some straight, some gay, some bi - that I would never give up for an insecure SO; my partner likewise has female friends (of a range of persuasions) that I would never dream of asking him to give up. I’m perfectly comfortable with him spending time with them one on one, and why wouldn’t I be? It’s hardly as though having a drink down the pub with an old friend means he loves me less, or is about to run off with her. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

If our R was strained and he didn’t talk to me, but spent all his time talking to her; didn’t want to spend time with me but spent all his time with her; didn’t invest emotions, attention or time in our R but ploughed it all into his friendship with her, then I’d raise questions about the health of _our_ R, and would address that with him, rather than jumping on him about his friendship with her. But I’d do he same whether it was a friend (whatever gender), a hobby, work, etc or whatever it was he wanted to spend time on to avoid spending time on our R. 
 

I think OP needs to confront his SO about her insecurity and find out what the real issue is. It sounds to me this is her problem, that she’s trying to make his. 

[usa1ah]

9 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Srsly? Wow! That’s some weird double standard where you live! I couldn’t be doing with that! I have male friends - some straight, some gay, some bi - that I would never give up for an insecure SO; my partner likewise has female friends (of a range of persuasions) that I would never dream of asking him to give up. I’m perfectly comfortable with him spending time with them one on one, and why wouldn’t I be? It’s hardly as though having a drink down the pub with an old friend means he loves me less, or is about to run off with her. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

If our R was strained and he didn’t talk to me, but spent all his time talking to her; didn’t want to spend time with me but spent all his time with her; didn’t invest emotions, attention or time in our R but ploughed it all into his friendship with her, then I’d raise questions about the health of _our_ R, and would address that with him, rather than jumping on him about his friendship with her. But I’d do he same whether it was a friend (whatever gender), a hobby, work, etc or whatever it was he wanted to spend time on to avoid spending time on our R. 
 

I think OP needs to confront his SO about her insecurity and find out what the real issue is. It sounds to me this is her problem, that she’s trying to make his. 

It’s called sarcasm.

Edited January 27, 2020 by usa1ah
Double post

[penguins1010]

I can understand where your wife is coming from. My wife has an older male friend and they talk almost daily. I feel like he intrudes on our life and knows things that I would feel more comfortable without him knowing. It doesn't have to be physical for there to still be a problem. Mental relationships can be hurtful as well.

[preraph]

^ Knows things that you're uncomfortable with him knowing.     She gets to have friends to confide in.  People who try to isolate their partner and keep them from even talking to friends or having an outlet like that, that is often the first stage of abuse.  You want her to keep everything between you secret.  I wonder why.  What are you afraid of?  You already know it's not physical, so what don't you want him to know?

[penguins1010]

You don't know the entire story. He is always bringing her gifts and buying her things. He talks to her on a special app so his wife doesn't know. We have never meet his wife nor does he ever talk about her. His wife doesn't know about her either. I can tell he is attracted to my wife. It's much deeper than you think.

[penguins1010]

If I had a friend like him she would not be okay with it at all. 

[preraph]

Women can be friends with men all day long without wanting to have sex with them or being attracted to them.  You really can't say that of men.  Most will tell you it always crosses their mind.  So it's not the same circumstance.  

[penguins1010]

It's just not comfortable to me. I have no problem with friends. That being said there should be boundaries though. 

[fishlips]

 I wouldn't ask my husband to dump his friends...male or female. Then again, I trust him enough to know that he's not a cheater.

OP, I guess the big question is whether your wife is jealous of any female friend, or is it just this friend? If this is an isolated incident, then your friend is probably wanting to bonk you and everyone can see it but you. On the other hand, if she is always the passive-aggressive jealous type, then nothing you can do to change her.

[preraph]

And if she was trying to cheat with him, she wouldn't be filling you in on all those things you are saying like he has a special app, if that is what she did.  She would be keeping the whole thing secret herself.  He may be attracted to her, but that doesn't mean she's attracted to him or interested in cheating with him.  You need to know who your wife is.  If she is someone you can just talk into bed, then yeah, maybe you be worried.  If she has some ethics and is genuine and loves you, then you should relax.  

[penguins1010]

I get where you are coming from. He is just really fake and overbearing sometimes.

[JS84]

How old are all of you exactly?

[Lotsgoingon]

The idea that you are afraid to talk to your friend (because of your gf's reaction) is astronomically ridiculous. 

You're acting like an abused spouse, who has to justify going to corner store during the day because maybe she would see a guy along the way.  There is no way I would dump a close and important friend based on the insistence of a partner--unless there is some amazingly good reason.

I have a number of close women friends, many of whom are married. I know their husbands, husbands know me ... I talk closely with the women ... typically what I talk about ... they usually share with their spouses ...

Heck my women friends help me through romantic ups and downs, providing insights that my guy friends sometimes miss. 

Anyway, be careful about getting approval for meeting with a friend. I guarantee this doesn't stop here ... there'll be a coworker at your job who you enjoy talking about the weather with ... Or a barista at the coffee shop ... or a coworker who works well with you ... who if you work with ... can help your career enormously ... Why do you talk to her? I want you to stop flirting with her?

I had an ex that couldn't read social cues very well ... so any interaction I had with a woman ... she really couldn't distinguish a flirty conversation ... from a friendship conversation ... if there was a smile involved at any point. 

Does your gf have trouble reading social cues? 

You follow this ridiculous command, you will have taught her that she can just browbeat you out of insecurity. She will continue to throw tantrums and make ridiculous requests. You can easily end up resenting her and rebelling. 

You give in ... you better have the rules written and ready for a line in the sand the next time ... or else this thing is over. 

Why aren't fighting her on this one? This is worth a fight.