Is the guy that I'm dating still interested in me?

[Chelsea2125]

This guy that I'm dating is in his 30s and I'm in my 20s. We met on a dating app and hit it off pretty well. We would text each other daily, flirt, and he would be the one to initiate the conversation for most of those days. One night, I went over to his place for our first date as well as our second date. We cuddled, made out, and had sex on the first and second date. During our second date, I had too much to drink, which led me to the hospital. Things were kind of shaky between us after that situation, but we still talked. Throughout that time, I began to stress about losing him and worried that he was seeing someone else. He started texting me less and I began to initiate the conversations daily. What I did was apologize a lot and had asked for reassurance from him that things are still good between us. He came over to my place on the third date and we had a good time. He had told me during that time that he felt like I was seeing this as a relationship and that I was taking things too fast. He told me that there seems to be a lot of pressure and "heaviness" to this and that dating is supposed to be fun. I felt bad about that, since this is my first time dating and I told him about that. I also told him that I would stop over-apologizing, asking for reassurance, be less of a people pleaser, and treat this dating experience as a fun thing and not a serious one. He told me that he thinks that we should take a step back and take things slow because of this. He also thinks we should take a step back and take things slow because of him engaging in a hobby throughout this year during the weekends along with working throughout the weekdays, which leaves him less time to spend with me. He has said that he likes and accepts me for all that I am. He also said that he likes talking to me and being with me. I told him that I felt the same towards him. I told him that I would do my best to visit him once a month until summer comes around when we're able to both see each other more, and then continue that pattern of meeting once a month until this year ends. After that, we'll see what happens. He told me to just letting things come around naturally.

Out of this whole situation, do you think that he is still interested in me? Does he still want to date me? Should I be worried about this outcome or will things be okay so far? 

[mrs rubble]

He is using you for sex, you haven't actually had an official date at all. All 3 "dates" were hook ups only. He's not interested in anything more than that.

You need to forget him and look for someone who will treat you with respect, no first dates at his place or your place. Meet in public and don't be so quick to jump into bed.

The right man will be invested in you, take you places, show you off to his friends and family.

[Foxhall]

two things here in particular,

he did nothing to prevent you from been hospitalised from drink on your second date

he has no time for you at weekends because he is pursuing a hobby,

I think you have your answer,

or is this a serious post 

[Chelsea2125]

12 minutes ago, mrs rubble said:

He is using you for sex, you haven't actually had an official date at all. All 3 "dates" were hook ups only. He's not interested in anything more than that.

You need to forget him and look for someone who will treat you with respect, no first dates at his place or your place. Meet in public and don't be so quick to jump into bed.

The right man will be invested in you, take you places, show you off to his friends and family.

When I had asked him if he was just using me for sex, he said that this isn't a one night stand.

[mrs rubble]

9 minutes ago, Chelsea2125 said:

When I had asked him if he was just using me for sex, he said that this isn't a one night stand.

No it's regular casual sex. Has he taken you out anywhere? Have you met his friends or family?

[Chelsea2125]

4 minutes ago, mrs rubble said:

No it's regular casual sex. Has he taken you out anywhere? Have you met his friends or family?

The first time I came to his house, he took me hiking the following day. I haven't met his family/friends yet.

[mrs rubble]

1 minute ago, Chelsea2125 said:

The first time I came to his house, he took me hiking the following day. I haven't met his family/friends yet.

That's something, at least you left the house! I'd just hold back on contacting him and wait and see if he contacts you. Play it cool, but make it clear what you are looking for in the future.

[d0nnivain]

I do not think you & he are on the same page.   After him asking to slow down & telling you that you are treating this like a relationship I'm kind of surprised that he's still around at all. 

Because you said this was your 1st time dating let me clue you in to a few things: 

1.  Never go on a early date to a man's house.  When a man asks you to his house for an early date it is a request for sex.  Since you had sex & seem OK with that I'm not knocking your choice but I could not tell from your posts whether you understood what was happening. 

2.  Control your drinking.  Getting so drunk you had to go to the hospital is indicative of a problem.  Slow down your consumption.  Have a pint of water for every alcoholic drink you consume.  Eat something heavy before you go out drinking.   Being so out of it with a relative stranger -- 2 dates -- is dangerous.  Even though you already slept with him, doesn't mean you know him.  There are bad people in this world; keep your wits about you. 

3.  2-3 dates in you can't be worried about is he seeing somebody else.  You need to assume that a new person in your life is multi-dating until the two of you have a talk about your relationship status & agree to be exclusive.   When you get paranoid it shows.  It comes across as clingy & unstable.  It drives people away.  Curb this aspect of your personality.  

4.  Seeing him once a month is hardly a relationship.  Him prioritizing his hobbies over you & not being willing to date during the work week or include you in the hobby is very off putting.  I see a guy who wants easy sex when he agrees to see you but isn't willing to put in any effort. In short I think he's using you but you don't have enough self esteem to stop him.  You think the crumbs he's offering are good enough & that breaks my heart for you.  A man who genuinely wanted you would be breaking down your door to spend time with you.  

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Chelsea2125 said:

When I had asked him if he was just using me for sex, he said that this isn't a one night stand.

Sweetheart that is the answer you are going to get from ANY MAN you ask this question.  No man is going to admit he just used you for sex so don't ask them that again.  If they told you "yes" they know you may not want to have sex with them again, plus they could get in trouble.  You have to use your intuition and watch their actions.  I think the fact that you drank so much you had to go to the hospital turned him completely off and he knows he doesn't want that from a girlfriend.   Men can get fall down drunk and no one blinks an eye but the second a woman gets black out drunk she's up for judgment.  It's best to just have one drink and let it be so you will  be mindful of your actions as well as his.  Don't wait around  for him because he really is no longer interested.

[Mr. Lucky]

14 hours ago, Chelsea2125 said:

I told him that I would do my best to visit him once a month until summer comes around

This is taking things naturally?  Chelsea125, you need to casually date more men to get a batter understanding of how relationships work.  This isn't it...

Mr. Lucky

[thefooloftheyear]

15 hours ago, Chelsea2125 said:

When I had asked him if he was just using me for sex, he said that this isn't a one night stand.

Did you really expect him to say anything different??  

Stllafool stole my thunder..

You were an easy mark, showed poor self control on both the sex and the drinking....Most guys will chalk that up as a negative and move on...but they'll take the sex....You are an adult and consented so while it may not be honorable on his part, it is what it is....Live and learn and realize you wont be the first and wont be the last...You have gotten much good advice from the other female posters...

TFY

 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think this guy realized you're not on the same maturity level as he is when it comes to relationships/relationship experience.  You're insecure and needy, and he doesn't want that in a girlfriend.  If he did, he would not let his hobby take over his life and only see you once a month.  What's his hobby anyway?

[Chelsea2125]

1 hour ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

I think this guy realized you're not on the same maturity level as he is when it comes to relationships/relationship experience.  You're insecure and needy, and he doesn't want that in a girlfriend.  If he did, he would not let his hobby take over his life and only see you once a month.  What's his hobby anyway?

His hobby is bird-watching. He invited me to go hiking with him, which had involved bird watching. But since it's the new year, his goal for himself is to find all of the native birds in Michigan/the U.P. on his own, which is something that I don't mind him doing. He said that in the summer, he would have a little more time to spend with me and even more time after the year has ended. Lately, he has been talking to me more again and has initiated the conversations daily. 

[preraph]

You have to see it for what it was, three hookups, basically.  I agree with others who have cautioned you NOT to go over to the guy's house or bring him inside for the evening at yours until he's taken you out on a few dates, because most guys ARE just looking for sex hookups.  Obviously, he has not put you on notice he just wanted a bit of light fun, and it's all gone south.  It's unlikely this will keep moving forward much longer, but you can never be sure.  He isn't looking to be the regularly texting and seeing you boyfriend though.  He's looking to see you mostly for sex when it's convenient for him.  So you just keep right on dating other guys, but don't sleep with them so soon because it just gives them the idea sex is also all you want.  Kissing is fine.   

Edited January 18, 2020 by preraph

[stillafool]

Bird Watching?  That reminds me of "The Beverly Hillbillies" and Wally Cox as a bird watcher.  Yeah, I'm old.  This guy sounds about as sexy as a Q-tip.

Edited January 18, 2020 by stillafool

[spiderowl]

Oh dear, you need to back off and leave this guy alone.  He is just using you at the moment because you are letting him.

You are also moving much too fast.  He is in fear of commitment because he can feel that you are likely to cling to him.  You slept with him too soon and although women are free to do what they like now, he may feel it was too soon himself.  It is best to take time to 'discover' the other person not to rush into anything physical; that way he will appreciate you more.

Just because you are interested in the guy does not mean you should be looking at this as a serious relationship.  Back off and let him chase you.  Show him you are not at his beck and call and will not be making a huge effort to stay in touch with him.  Saying you will see him once a month is a bit like booking yourself into his life - he will resent this kind of pressure.  He needs to feel free to contact you without feeling you are going to put pressure on him (when I say that, I don't mean he should be free to contact you for sex - he should date you properly and prize you as someone special before you get involved in that).

Please value yourself more.  You do not need to chase guys like this.  Let them chase you and take your time before offering anything in the way of commitment.  It just scares guys off anyway.  Everyone wants to feel they are in a relationship from choice and because they really want it, not because the other person is pressuring for it.

 

[preraph]

I wouldn't mind a birdwatcher at all.  I like a nature man just fine.  

[Malin889]

As the others said, never go over someone’s house on a first date. You need to keep yourself safe. What if he was a psychopath? 
 

As for his hobby, him saying he doesn’t have time for you because he has to go bird watching seems like an excuse. I’m not knocking his hobby, but I’m saying that whenever someone uses an excuse to not see someone, it’s because they have something else going on. If a guy wants to see you, he will.
 

Instead of figuring out if he likes you, ask yourself, do you like him? What qualities do you want in a boyfriend/relationship? Do you want a guy who you’ll only see once a month because of a hobby? 

[ms.stressed]

Leave him alone and move on. 

He stopped texting you. You feel insecure. 

Delete his number and move on.

[Chelsea2125]

1 hour ago, ms.stressed said:

Leave him alone and move on. 

He stopped texting you. You feel insecure. 

Delete his number and move on.

He's actually texting me a lot more now. He's also been initiating the conversations again at this point.

[d0nnivain]

If you are happier that he's texting you more, great.  Just be cautious & don't give your heart away.  To the rest of us he seems off & too distant / unattached so we worry that he is simply using you.  If you feel like you are getting enough attention, who are we to tell you to demand more.  That said, it seems odd to me that a man would rather sit out side in the cold looking for birds every weekend then snuggle up to a warm woman.